to tell some in laws to use my proper name?

[LeggyBlondeNE]

It's the Miriam Gonzalez-Durantez being sneered off as Mrs Clegg that has got me thinking about this again.

I am Dr Leggy Blonde. My husband is Dr Joe Bloggs.

His godparents and aunt and uncle all send cards to Mr and Mrs Bloggs. Or worse: Mr and Mrs J Bloggs.

I know they've been told I kept my name because it came up when the baby was born (she has Blonde as a middle name although in hindsight we wish we'd just given her my name full stop!). But still they do it.

To me it's rude and even problematic when cheques are sent in the wrong name. And since they send cards for birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, baby, Easter, and any other Hallmark holiday that the shops tell them they ought to, we get a lot of these! (Although that's a whole other nice thought vs waste of trees debate!)

So should I finally bite the bullet and write to ask them to call me by my actual name? I really really want to ... just not sure if I'll come across as madam-ish!

I don't think I'd have a problem with Mr & Mrs Bloggs on an envelope as it gets kind of long and complicated otherwise. However, I would be extremely pissed off to get Mrs Bloggs rather than, in your case, Dr Blonde (sounds like a Bond villain!:o)).

I did change my name though. Seeing as my maiden name rhymed with my first name I couldn't wait to be shot of it. that was the main reason for changing.

isn't the standard MN way of dealing with this to simply refer to the offenders by some random not-their-name?

not precious at all.you retain your name they are being purposefully obtuse and deliberately calling you by dh name. its rude. and you know what marriage doesnt automatically mean take his name

I'm with Dr Leggy Blonde. My (ex)in-laws wouldn't face up the fact that I had a different name from my husband and I thought it was all a bit puerile.

OP you're not being precious at all. I would make one more attempt to explain it to them. You could even write a note for future reference, explaining exactly how you would like to be adressed. If they still insist on calling you by the wrong name then yes, they are being deliberately rude and obtuse. What can you do?

Yeah, I find it annoying too. My mother does it 'because I don't want to upset your husband'. . DH couldn't give a flying fuck.

I think you have to work out whether this is genuine malice or annoying-but-traditional stupidity. If the latter, well, you can't do a lot really except tell them next time the cheque rolls through. If the former, I'd say get your DH to get in touch, as its his name they're so concerned about. He can tell them they've got your name wrong and he's embarrassed for them in their mistake.

DH went with 'I wouldn't want you to feel really stupid when you found out you were using the wrong name, ha ha' with my aunt and the childish bit of me heartily approved.

Well, I didn't change my name upon marriage so YANBU. Pisses me off when people insist on changing your surname for you - they're essentially making a judgement call on your oh-so-awkward decision to keep your name My mum does this, incidentally.

Most people would keep their maiden name for professional purposes but use their married name for everything else, so yes, you are being a bit precious.

Seriously? As if I could be arsed to use two names. Not to mention that I WANT to keep my name for personal purposes, not just professional ones.

showslow - not to mention the pain of trying to reclaim flight costs from work if I had traveled to a conference as Mrs Bloggs. Or even worse, when American border police want to see you in the conference booklet!

Not precious and yes it IS unreasonable to assume that all married women change their names to their husband's. Many don't change at all, many double-barrel, in many cases, the husband changes and in some cases also both change their names to something new and different.

Yes it's rude - not like they don't know. And I would remind them every time - especially with checks, there is no such person as Mrs Bloggs, how are you even supposed to cash it?

YANBU

After 28 years of marriage and 5 kids DH's family (not his parents) still use DH's old name for all of us. It really winds up DD (25) - as she says the person they are addressing things to does not exist

WTF is it "precious" to expect to be called by the right name? All you "proud to take your DH's name" people (is it still the 1950s?) wouldn't you get a bit upset if people persisted in addressing you by your maiden name, knowing you didn't use that name anymore? It is rude.

You of course have a right to call yourself whatever you like and have that respected. I don't however personally get the feminist perspective of keeping "your" name whereas in fact it's your father's name and passed down through a male line. I can understand the practicalities of keeping a maiden name for professional reasons, but don't really get why it's "feminist" -surely the appropriate option would be to all choose a new family name?

I work in the same (tiny) primary school that my daughter attended. I've been here 10 years, dd left 5 years ago, and one of the teachers still persists in calling me by dd's name! Do I look like a 10 year old? (rhetorical - no, I don't)
Even worse, when she re-married she was very sniffy about anyone who forgot and used her old married name in error after about 2 weeks.

I often address things to first names only as I can't remember who has and hasn't changed their name and I don't want to get it wrong and it would irritate me if someone got my name wrong.

giddly - my understanding is, it's feminist because women who keep their names are keeping their professional record and acknowledging their career is important and going to continue being important. If (as in teh past), you stopped working when you married, you had no need to keep the name and the reputation that went with it at work.

That's quite close to the practicalities, though.

Same situation as you (and both Doctors too ). I don't worry about envelopes, nor about being called Dr, but obviously cheques should be in the right name and I would point this out to the sender.

Why on earth is it "precious" to want to be called by your name?

We are a 3 name family, and I can just about put up with being Seeker Myname-Hisname like the children, but I loathe and deplore being Seeker Hisname.

And as for being Mrs Hisname - now that I really hate. I would hate it even if I was married, which I'm not.

People should be called what they want to be called.

Oh our family is full of this. I get annoyed to get the wrong name at weddings. This thread did make me check a birthday cheque, and yes after 20 years of marriage FIL has added DH (and his) surname after mine. So the cheque is made out to someone who doesn't exist.

Squeaky toy I have kept my name for all purposes, and made it clear when we married I would do so. You might have thought people would have realised by now?

If it's cheques, then it's very annoying and inconvenient and I would correct them.

If it's just the way envelopes are being addressed, honestly I can't quite see why you are letting yourself get bothered over this. I would assume that even though you've obviously declared a preference to keep your maiden name and that's what needs to be used officially and at work etc, I would have thought that you wouldn't really mind if occassionally, on more informal, personal things like cards, you were referred to my your husband's surname. I doubt they are doing it to annoy you, they probably just think it's quicker and easier to write Mr and Mrs Bloggs and can't see the big deal.

Oh my word, I'm having a nightmare with this too. My mother keeps sending parcels and stuff to my daugher with all sorts of nicknames and stuff on instead of her actual name. I've told her again and again that here you have to collect all parcels from the post office and have to show your passport. They will only release the parcel to the named person. Her name in her passport is NOT Nanny's Little Sunshine, Kitty Cat, Mistress Mouse or anything else of this nature. Grrrrrrrrh!!

YANBU. PMSL at the comments about OP being "precious".

I have a first name that people often get wrong, and it's amazing that years of repeated misuse can make people, well annoyed. Think of it like "Sandra" but people keep calling me "Sandy" - it's quite a common one but still people at work, deliveries, etc get it wrong.

However it could just be that she doesn?t know ? in which case a small very polite correction is all that?s needed.

OTOH it?s more likely to be a petulant indignation that you haven?t done as SHE thinks you should ? and it?s her way of showing that disapproval and, basically, disrespect, by keeping referring to you by the wrong name. I have relatives that did those for ages despite me letting everyone know that DH and I had both chosen to double barrel.

It's almost like some of them took pleasure in making a stand about our choices wrt names after marriage - I found it baffling, but it amused DH no end. I think he realised after that why I'd not automatically done as most folk do (woman changes name) when he saw the, well, ingrained indignation of anyone who thought I should be doing XYZ. It surprised him that anyone would want to make a point about any of that. because in many people's eyes it doesn't matter what other folk call each other - well to some rude people, it does, and they're determined that you should do as they want.

Anyway... in the first case if it?s a simple mistake a polite correction won?t do any harm, in the second you?d be wasting your breath ? people that purposefully set out to be childish in that way are pointless arguing with. I?d just return cheques and make a small comment about it being unable to be banked due to the wrong name if it ever crops up.

If it's just the way envelopes are being addressed, honestly I can't quite see why you are letting yourself get bothered over this.

ceebie, posters have identified several ways that might cause practical problems. To borrow from a post below yours which is one of the more amusing ones:

"I've told her again and again that here you have to collect all parcels from the post office and have to show your passport. They will only release the parcel to the named person. Her name in her passport is NOT Nanny's Little Sunshine, Kitty Cat, Mistress Mouse"

Cheques incorrectly written is just wrong.

But a joint letter/card addressed to "Mr & Mrs J Bloggs" wouldn´t bother me tbh.

OP, YANBU.

Alhough at the other end of the stick, when I married DH I asked how I should address his parents, who are both doctors. With a long, forrin last name. Think Thamotharampillai (disclaimer - not actual name but you get the gist). MIL thought long and hard and said, Prima can call each of us Dr Thamotharampillai.

So long for relaxed small talk around the dining table.
Me to FIL: More wine, Dr Thamotharampillai?
FIL: no thanks
Me to MIL: and you, Dr Thamotharampillai?

I had this exact discussion with DH last night.

His Mother sends me mail addressed to Mrs DH's first name, DH's surname!

It makes me soooooooo

I have my own bloody name!