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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To avoid partners son?

99 replies

Anyoldthing · 12/07/2011 18:49

I've been with my guy for 10 months and in that time his 8 year old son has urinated on ceramic decorations at a holiday cottage and climbed out of the windows and thrown stones at the window, encouraged my 5 year olds to cover up, decieve or copy all of the same. Climbed out of a caravan window. Stolen out of my pockets at same caravan. Climbed out of my 5 year old daughters bedroom window and asked them to lie to me.
Following this I sat him down and made him confess what he'd done as my partner wouldn't beleive it (despite confirmation by both of my daughters, footprints on the windowledge, his history of climbing out of windows and his confession) and my partner said I forced him to admit to something he hadn't done. That drives me crazy!
He's also manipulated his father with comments around 'you don't love me' whenever I'm around overnight (especially on holidays), followed by 'I hate you', 'I want to go back to Mummy', 'if you loved me you would......' and pretended to be in serious pain, screamed his head off and cried for hours.
Shoved one of my daughters around. Shoved the other underwater despite knowing she's a none swimmer. Urinated in my garden and lied about it, despite being 10 feet away from a vacant loo then tried to make out my daughter lied.
Run off in woods which left his younger sister with me whilst his Dad went to find him.
Refused to do as he is told or more occasions than I can count.

He freely admits to anyone that his sons behaviour improved when he was taking on board my support and suggestions with his sons behaviour and he admits his son is a pain. He also admits that he often thinks its easier just to give in, because his son will kick, scream, break things and lash out like mad if he doesn't get what he wants. My partner would rather have a somewhat disobedient son that the demon who cant get his own way.

The kids live with their mum, she isn't exactly a good role model but I don't need to detail that here. My partner has them at weekends only and is often not looking forward to it.

My partner and I argue about his son more than anything and I've refused to be around him for the last 3/4 months. During a recent situation his son was banned from cubs and whilst discussing his sons behaviour I suggested that maybe he is being banned for good reason and pointed out that his Dad is very defensive at times and is perhaps overlooking the truth. As usual he went mental and stormed out. Our relationship is teetering on the brink of complete collapse and we're on the very last chance. We had an unexpected pregnancy which resulted in an awful miscarriage just 7 weeks ago and our relationship suffered terribly. He was concerned about what his son would think of the baby more than anything and was unhappy about the pregnancy.

I last saw my partner a week ago, he left in an absolute fury when I pointed out how hurt I was about him saying I bullied his son into confessing. He was also furious that I said maybe the cub leader has a point. Now he says he cannot imagine our relationship can recover from that.

I don't have solutions to our problem and I'm so emotionally overwrought it's hard for me to see through it all. I'd love for us to be a happy blended family but I feel his son comes between us, demonstrates bad behaviour to my kids and manipulates his Dad to our detriment. I love my partner dearly :(

OP posts:

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 22:00

I think the way you help your partner is by empowering him to save his children. You have to make him see sense......I don;t know how, sorry.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 22:02

But OP you have to give him an ultimatum, you cannot forsake your children's happiness for him or his son. Make some rules and stick by them.

FabbyChic · 12/07/2011 22:02

If you cannot accept his child as he is with the faults he has, you cannot accept his father.

I think the relationship is doomed.

Truckrelented · 12/07/2011 22:08

I don't think it's very easy for a father to take the children away from their mother. He could go to court but is unlikey to get residency.

You can read the threads on here about it, the posts normally start with call the police.

ScarlettIsWalking · 12/07/2011 22:09

Op I am so sorry about you MC. His reaction to it was disgusting actually.

I have some experience of this and would say to you to get out now. This boy will grow up and things will get worse. Your children will suffer. Let it go for their sake it's not fair.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 22:09

I know that the courts can be biased but not when alcholism/neglect is in the picture. This is what this guy needs to focus on.

Truckrelented · 12/07/2011 22:12

Where does it says she's an alcoholic? It says she drinks nightly. Which covers a large percentage of the UK I would have thought.

Maryz · 12/07/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 22:16

"From what I've seen, the mother seems to drink nightly, often forgets what has been said when she was drunk etc "

Not quite a large glass of red is it?

Truckrelented · 12/07/2011 22:19

What I'm saying is I can't see a father on this evidence, having a hope in hell of getting residency.

Otherwise fathers could just say my ex is an alcoholic, got any evidence, no, well ok we'll take your word for it the children now live with you.

Doesn't happen.

CrapolaDeVille · 12/07/2011 22:20

Op I'm off to bed now.....but good luckxx

Xales · 12/07/2011 22:26

I agree Truck however there is even less chance of him getting residency if he doesn't apply for it because of his working pattern or he doesn't want to let the mother off the hook so she can become a lush.

She is either a bad screaming, drinking mother in which case he should be moving heaven and hell to try and protect his children or she is fine in his opinion to look after his children. He cannot claim that she is both.

Original poster

Anyoldthing · 12/07/2011 22:37

Thanks all for your responses, it's given me lots to think about.
I'll sleep on it all from this point and hope it all feels clearer in morning.
Thankyou :)

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 12/07/2011 22:44

First of all OP please stop calling him "my guy"! You sound about 13!! :o

Secondly, if you don't mind me saying, I think you went at this relationship with his kids like a bull at a gate

You've only been together for 10 months but you seem to have been away with the kids about 4 times in the first 6 months!! :o

What ever happened to getting to know each other slowly and introducing the kids gently over a long time perios instead of straight into it like that?

It sounds like the DS is very unsettled and needs some stability and calm time with his dad at weekends - at least for a little while

Original poster

Anyoldthing · 12/07/2011 22:51

:) I used 'my guy' because he's too old to be a boyfriend, partner is rather dry, etc etc. But yeah, I can see how it seems odd :)

I can see how it seems fast, because we knew each other before and had 3 or so months together before the kids met, we were doing fine. We already had a holiday booked for about a month after the kids met. They joined us for 1 night. We chose to book another a month later, all together. Then I had two more booked for this year. The first of this years was a disaster and he took them home after 1 night after the son was awful on the first night.

The next was just me, my kids and him and he felt really bad that his kids weren't there, like he was cheating on them.

It seemed reasonable at the time, and the hindsight is partially why I'm here.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 12/07/2011 22:56

I used to read a magazine called My Guy in the 70s :o

YOU knew each other before. The kids didn't know you and daddy were an item and then one month after they find out, you're off on holiday all together. Too fast imho

I'm not saying this to have a dig at you, but to maybe explain why this little boy, who already has a fairly troubled home life from what you say, all of a sudden has this change to deal with as well :(

biscuitmad · 13/07/2011 00:03

Having a mc is awful and you really need to be able to talk to each other and lean on each other.

Two solutions for you first is to refuse to see your parnter at weekends this will stop his child from picking on yours. It will also stop the arguments and him kicking off. For his child it will be good because he can have 1 to 1 time with his dad. His dad will not be able to cope and will have to do something about his behaviour.

The second solution is to sit down with partner and lay down some ground rules of disciplining all the children when theyl are naughty. To agree and support each other. If one tells a child off they automatically go to the other grown up and playup on purpose.

Invite your parnter over one evening when your children are in bed and sit and talk. Ask him if he wants to be with you then suggest the above two ideas and see what he says. Its always best to do these things face to face, avoid doing it over the phone or email.

Morloth · 13/07/2011 04:55

They are a package deal, if you don't want his son you can't have him.

Walk away!

kiteflying · 13/07/2011 06:16

I am so sorry your partner was so awful when you had your miscarriage. You needed him and he was more worried about himself/his son.

Biscuitmad's advice is good. Talk to him about what he wants.

Maybe his son needs him to be a full time dad - on weekends at least and really attempt to engage with the problem behaviour?

I grew up in a blended family. They are irretrievably awful for the children that get pushed from one home to another. But it is just as awful for your children to have their home invaded by children that don't behave by the same rules. I always dreaded the drama that went on when my step's children came to visit. And I always dreaded visiting my father's family. No one ever seemed to be on our side.
Don't feel bad that your sympathies are not firstly for the little boy - he is your partner's son, not yours.

hairfullofsnakes · 13/07/2011 06:48

Aside from everything else, your partner needs to deal with his son's applaing behaviour (your poor girls and his poor sister) and do what is necessary to get his son better - be that counselling or taking more a a firm stance with regards to his behaviour.

singledomisgood · 13/07/2011 07:59

Hi OP.
This thread has really got to me, I feel so sad for everyone involved.

The son does sound deeply unhappy and it sounds like he doesnt have much of a home life if his mother is alcoholic and then when he visits his dad, he is thrown into a readymade family. It sounds like he plays up because he feels lost and doesnt know his place in the family. And it seems like he gets no input from his father.

Do you live with your DP? And do your DDs stay at their father's place at weekends? If so, I wonder if on those weekends, the son and his sister see their father alone and you keep away totally. So that they have one to one time together. Also, to encourage his dad to be a more active parent.

Then if things improve, on those weekends meet up with him and his kids for a couple of hours (without your DDS) so he accepts you being around.

After that, start doing things with your DDs involved too.

What I'm trying to say, is maybe do things slowly as if you are starting from the beginning. Obviously you would have to discuss with your DP.

I really hope this gets sorted for you.You sound very caring by the way and it does sound like a nightmare.

Best wishes.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2011 08:13

This is a very sad, mixed up DC who badly needs help.
If you stay with DP he is your equal DC.
If you are not prepared to see him as an equal member of your family-leave now.

rainbowinthesky · 13/07/2011 08:18

Not read whole thread but why the hell are you all going on holiday after only being with his father for such a short time? You mention 2 out of 3 holidays being ruined, you've been with his father for 10 months and avoided the child for the last 3. Have I got the timings wrong? Cant be arsed to read back.
If not, then Jesus, no wonder he's so screwed up and getting worse.

AmberLeaf · 13/07/2011 08:19

It really sounds like it has been too much too soon.

10 months in to a relationship and all of this has happened?

I really dont get why people drag their children into their relationships so soon.

This boy sounds like he needs some undivided attention from his father.

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