To avoid partners son?

[Anyoldthing]

I've been with my guy for 10 months and in that time his 8 year old son has urinated on ceramic decorations at a holiday cottage and climbed out of the windows and thrown stones at the window, encouraged my 5 year olds to cover up, decieve or copy all of the same. Climbed out of a caravan window. Stolen out of my pockets at same caravan. Climbed out of my 5 year old daughters bedroom window and asked them to lie to me.
Following this I sat him down and made him confess what he'd done as my partner wouldn't beleive it (despite confirmation by both of my daughters, footprints on the windowledge, his history of climbing out of windows and his confession) and my partner said I forced him to admit to something he hadn't done. That drives me crazy!
He's also manipulated his father with comments around 'you don't love me' whenever I'm around overnight (especially on holidays), followed by 'I hate you', 'I want to go back to Mummy', 'if you loved me you would......' and pretended to be in serious pain, screamed his head off and cried for hours.
Shoved one of my daughters around. Shoved the other underwater despite knowing she's a none swimmer. Urinated in my garden and lied about it, despite being 10 feet away from a vacant loo then tried to make out my daughter lied.
Run off in woods which left his younger sister with me whilst his Dad went to find him.
Refused to do as he is told or more occasions than I can count.

He freely admits to anyone that his sons behaviour improved when he was taking on board my support and suggestions with his sons behaviour and he admits his son is a pain. He also admits that he often thinks its easier just to give in, because his son will kick, scream, break things and lash out like mad if he doesn't get what he wants. My partner would rather have a somewhat disobedient son that the demon who cant get his own way.

The kids live with their mum, she isn't exactly a good role model but I don't need to detail that here. My partner has them at weekends only and is often not looking forward to it.

My partner and I argue about his son more than anything and I've refused to be around him for the last 3/4 months. During a recent situation his son was banned from cubs and whilst discussing his sons behaviour I suggested that maybe he is being banned for good reason and pointed out that his Dad is very defensive at times and is perhaps overlooking the truth. As usual he went mental and stormed out. Our relationship is teetering on the brink of complete collapse and we're on the very last chance. We had an unexpected pregnancy which resulted in an awful miscarriage just 7 weeks ago and our relationship suffered terribly. He was concerned about what his son would think of the baby more than anything and was unhappy about the pregnancy.

I last saw my partner a week ago, he left in an absolute fury when I pointed out how hurt I was about him saying I bullied his son into confessing. He was also furious that I said maybe the cub leader has a point. Now he says he cannot imagine our relationship can recover from that.

I don't have solutions to our problem and I'm so emotionally overwrought it's hard for me to see through it all. I'd love for us to be a happy blended family but I feel his son comes between us, demonstrates bad behaviour to my kids and manipulates his Dad to our detriment. I love my partner dearly :(

My god it gets worse, that poor little boy :(

I'm not sure if you can rescue this situation - but it could improve with time.
Your partner needs to wise up to the fact that he can influence his sons behaviour, even with only weekend care and kids can cope with different sets of rules in different places. It might be tough at times, but at the moment they are both equating tolerance of bad behaviour as love.
Saying that, I think you both need to be a bit more sympathetic as to why he is acting out like this too. It sounds like he has had a tough time and is an unhappy little boy.
Maybe you need to let go of the 'happy families' and joint holidays scenarios for a little while and build these relationships a bit more slowly.
My DP has two children by his previous marriage and is no Disney dad - he has always had 50:50 care of them, but even he can be slightly touchy with me about his kids - it is a sensitive topic. But it is right that the kids come first - you need to accept this too, and a partner accepting/not accepting your kids is the same whether you are the resident parent or not IMO.

You havent know his son that long if they only split 18 months ago. Its probably all very raw for him. He probably needs some time just with dad to get used to a new setup. Sounds to me like its all happened very fast

I've made a point to do things with just his kids and with him and his kids and with us all together. His son is incredibly compliant one on one with me although that happens extremely rarely.

I've baked with them, invited them to join my kids and I on 3 pre booked minibreaks and paid the upgrades to include them etc, bought them gifts at christmas and colluded with them and their mum to sort out a great gift for their Dad. We've had lots of days out and they began to peter off after his son stole from me, then got less and less as each time past with more hassle. It was at Easter that I said I didn't want to see his son for a while.

We've sat with his son and presented a united front about how difficult it is for a kid and how I love his Daddy very much and I like it when we're all together and that I'm bothered about how he is. My partner has a book, Dinosaur Divorce, which he read with him a few times and it seemed to help. The son was incredibly pleasant at the time and stressed how much he actually likes me etc. The next time we would have met up with all the kids his son chucked an absolute fit and said he hated me. Ever since he is as nice as pie to my face and a nightmare if we're all together or just with his Dad.
So I gave up trying.

Lady Flumpalot - I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

I would probably talk to your partner and tell him how you feel....ish. Say that you think his son needs lots of attention and your relationship can't afford it and so he must choose to spend time with his son making him happy, long term happy ie sociably acceptable and not happy for the next five mnutes. Perhaps suggest that he devotes his summer to his son and you can get back together when he feels his son has benefited from the extra attention, ie when he can behave. Then I would take the relationship very slowly, I would think this little boy would be devastated and confused if his father was cosying up to someone else's children.

x posts.

OP, could I suggest you re-post this in Step-parenting forum? Lots of experience withthis sort of thing there, and far less likely to get flamed!

And now I've read your post 19.13 I wonder what sort of man leaves his children with this woman? If this is true why hasn't he gone for custody? ffs.

Anus......noone is flaming the OP, unless by flaming you mean putting the child first and accepting that some things cannot be resolved.

OP the child is 8. EIGHT, as in 2001 did not exist. He lives with a horrid mother, so we believe, a father that has no control of him, he's hurt, confused and you're taking his Dad away. What do you expect him to do?

Agree with the above. He is having to go home with a drunk mother who shouts at him while he thinks dad is staying with your kids. He is understandably going to be angry and probably a bit jealous. It was probably better when dad was at home with him but now he is with you IYSWIM

Yep, step parenting - good idea thanks :)

I thin he leaves the kids with her because he can't cope with them himself and his job isn't at all practical in terms of parenting. It's not good, I know. I was aiming to support in that scenario and it had been discussed at one point that if he moved in his kids would be better here. Although I also identify the new school, new home and new situation could totally knock the kid off the edge.

Also, to clarify, my guy doesn't cosy up with my kids. During the beginning of the miscarriage, we had a couple of days away with just my kids (Cue major feeling of cheating on his kids and zero help from him/very little interaction with my kids). He feels he cannot go on holiday with my kids (Im thinking of resident parent stuff) or its leaving his kids out, I feel my kids need holidays without his kids there. The little interaction caused me some heartache but that's the least of my troubles.

I really appreciate the constructive responses all :)

Umm to further clarify - I wasn't suggesting anyone moved in - it was surmising about the future, until the pregnancy when it got serious but then was all forgotten about due to miscarriage.

OP, I can see where you're coming from, but look at the facts you've presented in a slightly different way. You start a relationship with this man, then obviously try very hard to do lots of nice things together with your respective children, which works at first, but then at pretty much the first sign of trouble, this boy is excluded and then avoided.
Given the history he has, perhaps he has tested the boundaries by being badly behaved, which has then confirmed his expectations in that he is rejected - I think your expectations of his behaviour and maturity are perhaps a little high. If he was coming from a background where his parents had split, with less acrimony and all the rest of the problems you've mentioned, he still may have struggled to simply slot in with this new blended family.

Beamur, I wouldn't say at the first sign of trouble, it was pretty stressful when I gave up but I do take your point.
The concept of rejection is something I'll think over more. I can't figure out if it would be more to push me away as he confesses he does want his parents back together.
He doesn't like his mums new guy either - fairly understandable all in all but it's the behaviours I have issues. HIs mum introduced her new guy on the same weekend we all met up. My guy and I had been together 3 months at the time, his mum introduced her new guy after 2 days. So that ended up being a horrible weekend for him.
The little one is too young so she just sees great days out and new friends :)

I wish I could say more to help, but I think I've been incredibly lucky with my DP and his kids, they have never behaved badly towards me - saying that, I never actually seen them behave badly at all (most odd!!) and I've known them for 9 years.

Anyoldthing- I can completely empathise. I have been through a very very similar situation with my DH and his children. Ignore OP's that tell you your relationship is over. Only you and your DP know that. With regards to step children - please know that regardless of what you do it will never be enough for a step child - I learnt that the hard way . Particularly when their mother has issues. Being a stepmother is extremely hard and I strongly suggest you post and seek support from other stepmothers. Have you thought of relationship counselling ? Our relationship became very near to collapse but we sought help and we now cope better with the situation and have 2 children of our own. Initially my DH was upset about the effect it would have on his own children but it's all part of adjusting to a new family and it's very difficult for him having divided loyalties all the time. Yes support your DP but don't invest too many of your own emotions -IMHO it can lead to resentment when the child continues to reject you for years. The resentment you feel causes further problems in the relationship . Do try to understand that the child is communicating upset - but it's no bad thing to keep your distance from him. As my step child put it- ' when I visit I visit to see you- (dad) not her (me)'.
Ten years on I still have a very poor relationship with my DHs children and in the end I decided it was for the best that I did not see them. It was the right thing for everyone. And I can honestly say I have supported my DH in maintaining contact with them. There are some good books on amazon that deal with being a stepmother it helps to know you are not on your own and what you feel is understandable. X

Beamur - good to know it works out for some.
Hebrewlass - if only it wasn't the case, but thankyou for your response, glad you found a solution which worked for you.

I have posted in step parenting and put some more of the information that came out in questions following the original post. I'm willing to make some effort to get us back on track.

You have to go with your instincts every time. X

Personally I think your situation is beyond rescue. I am sorry that you had a miscarriage but I think now is the time to walk away for your sake as well as your own children's sake. They are suffering needlessly with this boy's actions. The Dad is in denial and he clearly does not respect your feelings or your kids. Walk away.

Do you have any sympathy for this tortured little boy? I have an eight year old son, he's got both of his parents with him but he still can be dreadful. But I love him, his Dad loves him and we're both here.

The behaviour is not without reason and so this has to be treated at source. His father should be fighting for him.

TBH I wouldn;t want to be with a man that can't cope with his own dcs and would rather leave them with a drunken mother that introduces them to a new bloke after two days, and quite frankly what sort of woman are you that you sit by and rub your hands together delighted that they live with her and are not your problem?

You don't get to keep the crap Dad boyfriend without keeping his son in your life.

Oh now come on, crapola, where has she ever given the idea that she rubs her hands together delighted that they live with their mother and are not her problem?
By the sounds of it she has tried every approach. I agree that step-parenting must be very hard, and I reckon I'd be crap at it myself. This little boy, as many have said, has understandable issues, but don't excuse away the dreadful behaviour he has been exhibiting. Yes we can understand why he's behaving that way, but that doesn't mean we have to stand by and let him get away with it.