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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To charge or not-looking after niece/nephew

68 replies

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 09:59

I am a SAHM. I have offered to look after my sister's baby when she returns to work. I gather from researching the 'net that as we are family, I do not need to be registered. I am happy to do this for free. I am at home anyway and will enjoy the extra time with my Niece. They will struggle if they have to pay for nursery. They are not entitled to help from tax credits. They have offered to pay me £10/day. A nursery would cost £45/day. AIBU to accept this, or should I insist that I don't want paying? My DH thinks I should take it. (I don't want to be a registered child minder)

OP posts:

upthecreekwithoutapaddle · 12/07/2011 11:34

I think your sister is being very tight and mean and assuming.

GiddyPickle · 12/07/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemmein · 12/07/2011 11:47

but why is it illegal? I don't understand. If its ok to do it for free why not for reward? Bloody busybodies. As long as any tax due is paid I can't see what it has to do with anybody.

For the record I don't get a penny off my brother, and looking after my DNs costs me a considerable sum every month (I don't actually mind the cost though to be fair) - but it should have nothing at all to do with the state.

GiddyPickle · 12/07/2011 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 11:54

Thanks for the extra advice everyone. I will accept £10 for additional expenses.

I am happy to break any rule that says I am not able to care for members of my own family for reward. My Mum has mine overnight and we buy her chocolates. My sister-in-law babysits for an evening and gets pizza and cab fare. I have my Nephews occasionally in the holidays in return for my sister having mine. Me looking after 4+1 keeps 3 people working full time and paying their way, which in turn makes me feel like I'm paying mine. Surely that's just sensible?

I do understand that rules have their place to protect children and to stop people abusing the childcare element of tax credits etc.

Thanks again!

OP posts:

GiddyPickle · 12/07/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 12:09

upthecreekwithoutapaddle - Thanks for your post, but my sister is neither tight, mean or assuming!

She is a first time Mum facing the daunting prospect of returning to work and leaving a 9 month old baby. It will break her heart. She has saved up in order to afford to stay home for 9 months. She and her partner have to work to pay their rent. If I was unable to help then she would manage but would find it hard. They will most likely spend any money they save on the baby. I am able to help, so I offered. She is incredibly grateful and was very emotional when I did. I would help any of my family, on the condition it did not affect my marriage or my children in a negative way.

OP posts:

Dozer · 12/07/2011 12:13

You are doing your sister a MASSIVE favour - no way I'd even consider this. Too much risk, too much hard work, disruption to family routine, hard to get stuff done, not enough reward.

A year at a time / 3 months notice is too much, way longer than for any other form of childcare.

Personally I think that people who use unpaid (or token-paid) relatives for childcare for more than a day or two a week are taking the piss!

Dozer · 12/07/2011 12:14

You sound an amazing sister.

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 12:16

GiddyPickle-thanks. I understand what you are saying, but surely with family it is all just a bit of a technicality! If anyone in authority questioned what I was doing then I would tell them I will continue in future without payment. Simple. I'd love to know how they could possibly police whether she buys me £10 worth of chocolate, wine or flowers as a reward though!

OP posts:

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 12:26

Thanks Dozer-I am an amazing sister! I have 4 little sisters plus 1 sis-in-law and we are all very close. In return for being an amazing sister I get 5 amazing sisters back so we are all very lucky.

One day, she will pay that favour back, I'm sure of it.

OP posts:

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/07/2011 12:34

My friend used to have my DS for half a day, once a week. It was a huge help to us as it was the day me and OH's work hours overlapped. It would have been really hard to get childcare for those hours and very expensive.

She refused to take any money. I put away a small amount every week and gave it to her at Christmas for her DD. She took it but only after much protesting and absolutly refused to do it again.

I really wish she HAD. I felt uncomfortable about taking advantage of her and wanted to show her my gratitude. Her not taking the money made me feel a bit weird about it all.

So what I am waffling on about is - TAKE THE MONEY

JulyOrAugustThatIsTheQuestion · 12/07/2011 12:35

HAPPY - you are fab and your sister is very very lucky but I'm sure she really appreciates it.

I for one am incredibly jealous!!! My first is due at the end of the month and we had to make the decision to look for a nursery and book when I was only about 18wks pregnant (had to to ensure a place). For 4 days a week it will cost us £1k a month. MIL is meant to be having him/her 1 day a week for us but that is now looking less likely due to other issues.

My brother is also very lucky and my mum looks after my nephew for him (even though she works full time nights) and my nephew also goes to a nursery which my auntie owns so he doesn't have to pay.......note to self, should have thought about all this before I moved too far away :)

Anyway, I think you can only be praised for being so kind and as a mum yourself, you'll be fully aware of how much happier your sister will be knowing you'll be looking after her DD for her.

As for the rules......for your arrangement I'd ignore too. Worth not mentioning the money to anyone just in case (but then why would you) but I would take the money......also sort out if they'll be supplying nappies etc as I do know it costs my mum quite a bit to look after my nephew.

Morloth · 12/07/2011 12:36

Take the money, my inlaws used to have DS1 one day a week when I was working and I really felt awful that they wouldn't take any money. I used to 'leave' money there all the time, but they would then only use it to buy stuff for DS1 anyway! If you really feel bad about it perhaps stock pile it and buy them something nice as a gift.

I think the law on this is simply wrong, women have been helping each other out forever, sometimes for a bunch of flowers, sometimes for returned sitting, sometimes for money.

LilBB · 12/07/2011 12:50

I wish you were my sister. The £10 a day will probably only just cover food, trips to soft play etc. I think I would turn a blind eye to the rules. You are hardly being rewarded.

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 13:04

The thing is, sister will bring nappies, wipes bottles etc. Baby will have breakfast at home. She's going to send a packed lunch with snacks and then I will do tea, but really on top of feeding a family of 6, one more little mouth is not going to make a huge difference. I don't do baby groups. My place is like a playgroup with toys and books and stuff and my kids will be there to play with, along with visiting other nieces and nephews! We will go to the park and to the library. If it ends up long term then when baby turns 2 we will do play group which costs 50p.

OP posts:

LilBB · 12/07/2011 13:23

Stop talking yourself out of the money and accept it!! Nursery is probably about 4 x what's she's giving you. As bad as you feel taking it she will feel worse if you don't. I wish I had family I could pay to have DD especially with another on the way. I would rather pay family than a nursery/childminder if I could.

Maybe keep it seperate and when it's built up pay for a day out for you all to the zoo or something?

Mollymax · 12/07/2011 13:29

What a wonderful thing you are doing for your family.

This is how it used to be years ago, families helping each other out.

Just remember to talk through any little niggles as they arise and do not let anything fester.

I used to look after a friends daughter once a week and it all went wrong as i was feeling very taken for granted. Looking back now, i should have spoken up at the time.

ShakeTastic · 12/07/2011 13:42

happy2bhomely I think what you are doing is great, I did this for my Dsis and I don't regret it at all, it wasn't always easy as sometimes I did feel a bit taken advantage of, (dropping off got earlier and picking up later etc) Also I was the first asked to babysit overnight if they needed someone as "she is used to you"

My Dniece is now 5, We have a very close bond, she is very close to my 2 kids,

I do not look after her anymore as when my Dsis's Dh passed away last year my parent moved here so as my Dmum is closer to the school and Dsis's house she now has her before and after school.

ShakeTastic · 12/07/2011 13:45

I should add that they did pay me £250 a month but apart from her clothing I bought everything needed for her care whilst she was here for 5 days a week out of that,

Any left over went on treating my kids,

Original poster

happy2bhomely · 12/07/2011 13:49

We're all very open with each other. I wouldn't think twice of telling her if I thought she was taking the piss. I've already assured her of this!

I just want her to be happy to leave her baby. I suffered with anxiety with my first and wouldn't leave him with anyone for 3 years, not even to pop to the shop! I wouldn't even leave him with his Dad. It was exhausting.

We have similar values so should be ok. I've told her and her partner (who is lovely btw) to ask if they have special things they would like done differently for eg, I did BLW and won't leave them to cry. If they want jars and baby left to self soothe, then fine-their baby up to them. I guess I'm trying to help her see that she will still be raising her baby her way-I will just be filling in the gaps. She can phone on her lunch break and not stress if she's stuck in traffic. She can relax knowing that I love that baby (almost) as much as my own and she will be looked after as one of mine.

I also think it is an excellent example to set to my own children. I want them to grow up looking out for each other. There is such a thing as being too independent-it must be very lonely having no one to rely on.

OP posts:

pointydog · 12/07/2011 13:50

You can't 'charge' but taking a tenner a day is a good idea.

superjobeespecs · 12/07/2011 13:54

aw you sound lovely :) this is something i would have done for my sis had i not been working when she had my nephew, tho he is a tiring little ape and i'd of changed my mind sharpish well done you for being so generous :)

DurhamDurham · 12/07/2011 13:57

I think you are the lovely selfless sister I could never be

I enjoy looking after my nieces but only for one off treats, if it became routine I would hate it and resentment would kick in.

You sound as if you have really thought it through so know what you are doing, what a wonderful Aunty you are!

The £10 should not be seen as reward, merely money to cover expenses.

Good Luck! x

BrummieMummie · 12/07/2011 13:58

It is legal to pay family to look after DCs without them being registered, btw. From here:

"You are allowed to pay a family member to look after your child in your own or your relative's home without that family member being registered as a childminder."

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