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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change my childrens names by deedpoll

49 replies

nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 21:58

ds is 9, i left his dad as he had alcohol problems and was spending all out money and not leaving any for food,nappies etc.. i never stopped him seeing him but he chose not to have anything to do with us again even tho i offered all the help i could to get him to see him
, he has his dads surname on his birth certificate

dd is 2, she was a contraceptive fail, her dad told me to have an abortion or he was leaving me... i chose her, he refuses to acknowledge that she is his child, tell people she isnt, hasnt met her and doesnt want to, she has my maiden name

ive got a baby with my new husband and want to change ds and dd to my married name, then our family will all have the same name dd thinks dh is her daddy

ive asked ds and he wants to change it so we are all the same...

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 11/07/2011 22:02

YANBU.
If your DS wants it and his father is nowhere to be seen and you are changing that of yours and your daughters, then I think you should.

There will be others who disagree though.

spiderpig8 · 11/07/2011 22:03

I don't know if you could change your DS's name without his father's permission?

BornInAfrica · 11/07/2011 22:06

What happens if you meet a new bloke and have a kid with him in a few years?

MoonGirl1981 · 11/07/2011 22:12

I changed my son's name by deedpoll for the same(ish) reasons you want to.

You don't need the biological fathers permission. They don't even ask. If they do just tell them you can't contact them.

If your children are happy with that descision then do it.

yearningforthesun · 11/07/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:18

hes 9 so i'm the only one that has parental responsibility, automatic pr only started in 2003 (i looked it up)

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 11/07/2011 22:20

I think at 9 your son is too young to decide about his name. Whether you like it or not, DS and DD are half their father, to surpress that may lead to difficulties in the future.

babybarrister · 11/07/2011 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:30

i dont understand baby? only i have parental responsibility for him as he was born in 2001, before un married fathers got automatic parental responsibilty

OP posts:
yearningforthesun · 11/07/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:33

i really have been looking into it and i cant find any legal reason why i cant do it.

OP posts:
hester · 11/07/2011 22:35

My SIL has 3 children with different fathers and has given them all HER surname. She said to my db (her dh) that if he wanted to change HIS name to match her and the kids, he'd be welcome.

A very good solution, I reckon. (She's also got a very cool name, so a winner on all counts.)

NearlySpring · 11/07/2011 22:39

I second the other poster that asks what about if you go on to have another child by a fourth different father? Will you change all their names again?

Your dd thinking your dh is her father is irrelevant as by the time she understands about surnames she will surely be aware that you dh is her daddy but not her biological father.

You ds's father may be more involved with your ds in years to come. Leave the boys name as it is.

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:42

im actually having a 4th baby with my husband

OP posts:
justinhawkinsnavalfluff · 11/07/2011 22:42

He may not have a pr but a good solicitor wouldn't touch it with a barge poll and a court may reverse it if dad objected

MadameBoo · 11/07/2011 22:46

How fucking rude are all you posters who are making assumptions about this woman leaving her husband in the future and having more children with another man? Vile creatures.

OP, I wanted to change my name to my step-Dad's when I was 12 so I would fit in better with my step-sisters. However, the difference is that I still saw my Dad regularly. There was nothing to stop my Mum from doing it anyway, but she said I had to ask my Dad, who said no. FWIW I was glad that he'd stopped me in the end, but if your children have nothing to do with their biological father and your 9 year old has requested it I see nothing wrong at all.

AlabamaWorley · 11/07/2011 22:49

I really can't advise. It is a very tricky situation but understand your reasons fully.

Regarding what happens if the OP has another child by another man (which I hope doesn't happen), I would assume/hope that she would keep her married name, keep her kids with that name and give the fourth child that name too. The hypothetical new DP would either have a different surname to the rest of the family (his own) or change his surname by deedpoll if he chose too (unlikely, I imagine!), as hester's SIL did.

How long have you been with this partner OP?

MadameBoo · 11/07/2011 22:49

I also think that changing a name isn't 'suppressing the truth'. The OP hasn't said that she wants to pretend that the children have a different Dad. That WBU yes, but that's now what she's saying.

MadameBoo · 11/07/2011 22:50

*not

AlabamaWorley · 11/07/2011 22:53

I agree MadameBoo, it is very rude to suggest that she would leave her current husband to have a child with someone else. The reasons her kids have different fathers seem completely valid. If she stayed with the alcoholic father and came on here for advice, you'd all be telling her to leave him and not subject the DS to that. Many would also applaud her for not aborting her DD. So she found 'the One' after all that heartache. Good on her. Doesn't mean she wants 10 kids by as many fathers. Ridiculous assumption.

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:56

we have been together 2 years, dd was 4 weeks old, married since april but we were friends for 20 years before that :)

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 11/07/2011 22:56

Well she certainly doesn't seem to have put her DD straight about who her father is Madame

While I can fully understand your reasons OP, I feel very uncomfortable about it. I saw someone do this trick across a very good friend of mine and it broke his heart :( (slightly different circs in fairness - he was breaking his neck to see his DD and paying regularly for her. But his ex was a vile piece of work who refused to let him have anything to do with her, even when the court ordered her to Angry)

hester · 11/07/2011 22:57

Blimey, OP doesn't need to prove she has 'good' reasons for having children by different men, does she? There's a number of issues that are important here, but that is not one of them.

MadameBoo · 11/07/2011 22:57

Good, and long may it continue OP. Ignore the vipers :o

Original poster
nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 22:59

curryspice... my dd is 2 years old, her real father will not have anything to do with her and i did try! she wouldnt understand, my husband is daddy, when she is old enough to understand then i'll tell her

OP posts:
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