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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to change my childrens names by deedpoll

49 replies

nicknamechanged · 11/07/2011 21:58

ds is 9, i left his dad as he had alcohol problems and was spending all out money and not leaving any for food,nappies etc.. i never stopped him seeing him but he chose not to have anything to do with us again even tho i offered all the help i could to get him to see him
, he has his dads surname on his birth certificate

dd is 2, she was a contraceptive fail, her dad told me to have an abortion or he was leaving me... i chose her, he refuses to acknowledge that she is his child, tell people she isnt, hasnt met her and doesnt want to, she has my maiden name

ive got a baby with my new husband and want to change ds and dd to my married name, then our family will all have the same name dd thinks dh is her daddy

ive asked ds and he wants to change it so we are all the same...

OP posts:

LegoStuckinMyhoover · 11/07/2011 23:01

Do it OP, I cannot see the problem with changing names at all.

MadameBoo · 11/07/2011 23:01

Maybe it's a chat that the OP will have with her daughter when the time is right. But changing the name won't change the facts - but might help the DD to feel more secure when she is told that OP's DH isn't her bio father.

AlabamaWorley · 11/07/2011 23:06

Good on you OP. I am still not sure what my advicevwould be.

hester you are correct that mght not be an issue, but insinuating she'll have another kid with someone else is rude. Or at least could have been worded more diplomatically.

Anyway, since I don't actually have any advice for the OP as to whether or not she should do it. I am off to bed.

AlabamaWorley · 11/07/2011 23:07

I would be inclined to change their names though, if the 9 year old has expressed a wish to.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/07/2011 23:09

My mother pushed an adoption through (short story, made up some crap about inheritance to get our fathers to sign the papers) when I was 8, I always thought I must have been much younger as I had NO IDEA about it. It was never discussed with us, my father wasn't in our life at that time. I didn't even know I'd had another surname. She must have registered us at school with our then step-dad's name.

I met my father again later on in life (when he found me) and discovered this, applied for my original birth certificate, and found out the age I'd been.

To say I am pissed off is an understatement. She did it to suit herself, without a thought for her children. I will NEVER forgive her for it.

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 23:11

You really need to wait until the absent father hasn't had contact for 3 years, to be sure of getting the court to agree to a name change.

TBH the court would decide to a name change if they felt that it was damaging to the child, as he will have three siblings with a different surname, the court may agree.

Be aware that your ex could turn up at a later date and if your DS is fourteen, he can change it back, as you know teenagers rebel.

It is a tough one, because either way you could have problems when DS hits puberty and is in the 'angry' stage, you won't be able to do right from wrong.

Names can be changed throughout life, it is the reasons why you think a name change is needed and if it would be damaging to not go ahead with it.

JollyBear · 11/07/2011 23:24

My dad died before I was born. When my mother remarried she 'changed' my surname unofficially as she wanted us all to share the same surname. This has caused no end of grief for me attempting anything official as my known name and birth cert had different names on. I took my husband's surname on marriage to end the saga! So change it officially would be my advice OP.

hester · 11/07/2011 23:38

I was agreeing with you, Alabama

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 23:47

Also, does your ex's family also want nothing to do with the DC's? and will that ever change?

HipHopOpotomus · 12/07/2011 00:08

What if you divorced new DP? Would you all keep his name?

DP and I were very rocky when DD1 was born and I gave her his name as a third christian name and my last name. We sorted everything out and 3.5 years later We also named DD2 the same way. If we marry I'd probably keep my name anyway or perhaps we will all change to DP's name. It's confusing!

itisnearlysummer · 12/07/2011 10:37

We changed DCs name when DH and I married.

DD is biologically his and so we just had a new birth certificate issued.

DS isn't biologically his but as his biological father has no contact or parental responsibility, I just had to sign a declaration to that effect when we applied for the name change by deed poll. It was very easily done.

We felt that it was important for us to present a united family front to the world without people judging us.

My DS previously had my maiden name so it seemed appropriate to change it but it was entirely his choice.

If my DH and I divorced, the children and I would keep our surname. We are a family and that is all.

itisnearlysummer · 12/07/2011 10:39

Oh and we didn't need to go to court, we know someone who is a magistrate so I just popped round to her house one evening and signed the paperwork with her.

In fact, you don't need a deep poll, you can make a statutory declaration of name change but we wanted something more formal for DS.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 12:50

Itsnearlysummer- it depends on the circumstances of the father being counted as 'absent' and wether you want the passport changing as well.
Your case was different because you knew a magistrate who was willing to do it, she obviously knew what you were saying was correctand your DS had your surname not his.

The OP's ex had contact three years ago and the DS has his surname so the court, under the law, should establish that there isn't contact or any form of financial contribution being made. If it doesn't and the ex turns up in the next few months, he can take legal action. A childs wishes are only taken into account over the age of 12-14 depending on the circumstances.

She shouldn't have a problem but it would be better to do it legally.

itisnearlysummer · 12/07/2011 13:34

Oh I missed the bit that said the child had fathers name. That'll teach me to read properly!

LittleOneMum · 12/07/2011 13:54

Just a word of warning, OP. My Mum had me. She gave me her maiden name as my Dad didn't want to know. Then she got married to someone else and had a baby so changed my name by deed poll to her new husband's name, so that she, me, her new DH and new baby sis had the same surname. then she divorced her DH and now I have been left for most of my life with some random bloke's name (albeit my step-sister's Dad). I was SO grateful when I got married and changed my name to my DH's as for the first time I felt like I had a real name...

droves · 12/07/2011 13:56

yabvvu .

The names you gave to your children the day they were born are their names.

Regardless of the ex`s , the names where good enough for your children then , and they belong to them.

My fuck wit of a mother did this to me ...tried to change my name when i was 12 to her maiden name. ...only for me to change it back when i was 16 .

It caused no end of hassle to get it sorted out....was never done by deed poll....but when you have a birth certificate under one name and a NI number under another it gets confusing.

Also caused my sister loads of problems getting jobs ,passport , and not only that she has her "fake" name on her childrens birth certificates ...its just wrong.

If your children want to change their names when theyre old enough to understand what it means then thats different.

For you to do this too them without their permission is selfish .

MorallyBankrupt · 12/07/2011 14:47

I always think it's so odd when people change their DC's names to that of their current husband. Why would you EVER want your DC to have the name of someone who is not their biological parent or hasn't even adopted them.

I find it seriously odd.

peeriebear · 12/07/2011 14:56

My DD1 is 9 and I changed her surname by deed poll from my maiden name to our married name, so we were all the same. Her biological 'dad' has no PR as she was born pre 2003- so that was that. Simple.
MorallyBankrupt, for all intents and purposes DH IS DD1's dad- he's the one who picks her up from school, takes her swimming, runs her bath, makes her dinner. He hasn't adopted her and isn't her biological father, but he's the only one that matters.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 15:13

Just to point out that a change by deed poll doesn't mean that it is always offically recognised and the school etc, as the DS is already 9, they may not agree to change its records, it doesn't have to, without a change of birth certificate/court order.

kittybuttoon · 12/07/2011 16:37

Our names are very personal to us - they're usually the very first words we are taught to write/spell.

Changing something so fundamental to their identity is not really fair to them, imo. Let them make up their own minds when they are, say, 16 or 18.

Otherwise, they may well accuse you of being selfish later. This has happened in my own family, and the name-changed children have changed their names back to the original again, now they are of age to make up their own minds. With hindsigh, turned out they were not best pleased with their Mum's decision to persuade them to make the change. They felt they had been manipulated.

IvyAndGold · 12/07/2011 17:00

YANBU, when my mum married my stepdad i had my name changed to his name too. he'd been more of a father to be than my biological dad, who i can't remember it'd been that long, ever had been, and it felt more like we were a whole complete family to all be 'the golds' rather than my mum n stepdad and brother all having one surname, and then me a completely different one. if it's what you want, and the children are happy, then go for it :)

quirrelquarrel · 12/07/2011 17:26

Your daughter is a "contraceptive fail"?
I know there aren't many other ways to put it, but gosh...

jellybeans · 12/07/2011 17:33

I am not sure. When I was unmarried and single with DD1 I used my surname as i didn't want different name from my own child or be the 'odd one out'. I eventually married the father so we both changed names. However, DH's mum changed his from his birth name to her new husbands (he became stepfather when DH was about 12) and I think she was wrong. When DH got in touch with his real dad he was gutted that his son had a new name now. MIL made it out that he had simply cleared off but actually she had made things very difficult for him to see DH. Either way it is abit awkward him having different names to the father he is now in touch with on a regular basis. I would leave it and maybe consider double barreling it with yours instead.

lunar1 · 12/07/2011 17:58

My mum wanted to change my name to my step dads when i was 11 and my brother was 8, he agreed to it and didn't really understand what he was agreeing to. I refused and was pretty much bullied by my mum for 6 months until i agreed, she then tried to push through an adoption by my stepdad. Luckily for us the judge took spoke to us on our own and the adoption was refused on the day. My brother was then convinced again about a year later and changed his name, i kept mine the same, despite some really manipulative tricks, including mum telling me that my brother would inherit lots of money from that side of the family and i would get nothing!

I am not saying in any way that you are putting pressure on, my brother said he didn't feel pressured at the time but did regret changing his name. The worst part of it all is I am closer to my step-dad than my mum by a long way and quietly wanted to change my name when i was about 17 and could make the decision myself, the only reason i didn't was because I would have felt my mum had 'won'

Once a child is given a name, it is theirs and I don't think anyone has the right to change it, until they are old enough to do it themselves.

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