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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel left out?

32 replies

glittershoes · 11/07/2011 16:51

I should be bigger than this, I really should but I still feel a bit hurt by it all.

A bit of the back story, at university there were ten of us - five boys, five girls - who were really close, we always went out together, studied together, you get the picture. Obviously after uni we all sort of drifted apart a bit but still keep in contact sporodically through facebook etc...

Anyway three of these friends have got married in the past few months, two of them to each other, one to someone new. I never expected to be invited, I mean, we don't really see each other or talk much, I was more than happy to congratulate them via email and have a nosey at the pictures.

After the first wedding (of the couple of friends if that makes sense), I did have a peak at the photos and saw that all of our friends were there with their partners, I was the only one not invited. I was a bit hurt but sort of put it out of my mind. However, the other wedding was this weekend and again, all of the group except me is there, with partners plus a couple of extra people who we lived with in our first year.

And I'm hurt. I mean, why wasn't I invited when all the others were?

Please don't misunderstand me - I wasn't expecting an invite and would have been surprised if I had received one as we aren't close anymore but I also know that the others aren't any 'closer'. I still speak regularly to one of them and she was surprised to have received an invite to either as, in her own words, 'We really don't speak any more, we aren't even friends on facebook or friends reunited'.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit left out and hurt that I was excluded?

I know that weddings are difficult and a bit of a minefield with guests but it just seems that they have sat there and deliberately left me off a list.

OP posts:

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 11/07/2011 16:52

YANBU.

I would have been quite upset by that too. Then I would have picked myself up and decided it's time to drop this group of "friends" ...

Tryharder · 11/07/2011 16:55

Ouch. Don't blame you for being a bit put out. I would as well. I would probably be tempted to talk to one of the group members, explain that you were a bit hurt and ask if there was a problem between you and the rest of the group. Not saying that that is the best course of action, just what I would probably do to try and set my mind at rest....

TheOriginalFAB · 11/07/2011 16:56

Have you posted about this before as it is very familiar?

Original poster

glittershoes · 11/07/2011 17:04

No FAB, the first one happened a few months ago but I don't think I posted on it... the other wedding was this past Saturday so definitely not.

I am tempted by that Tryharder but don't want to come across as petty or, even worse, hear something I don't want to!

Dropping the friends may be the way forward....

OP posts:

Tchootnika · 11/07/2011 17:15

I'm not surprised you're feeling put out, either, but (sorry if this seems trite), could there be any other explanation - moving house, changed email/tel. nos, etc.?
It could be that even if you did this in the past so that you appear to have fallen out of contact with them, then they've (mistakenly) given up on contacting you.

BelleDameSansMerci · 11/07/2011 17:26

It could be that they couldn't contact you? I thought I hadn't been invited to my best friend's 40th surprise birthday party (and only found out on the day when I rang her) but, actually, her husband had sent the invitation to the wrong email address and just thought I hadn't bothered to reply. I'm still a bit hurt that he didn't follow up by phone or anything but that's by the by.

I think it's worth trying to subtly ask or, perhaps, plan a get together and see what sort of response you get?

northerngirl41 · 11/07/2011 17:29

Can I ask if you are single? Some people are so obsessed with their stupid seating plans that it really stresses them out to invite someone who will throw their numbers... Personally I think this is an utterly awful reason not to invite someone and it would signal a disturbing personality trait which I'd distance myself from, but might give you a "reason".

Original poster

glittershoes · 11/07/2011 17:46

Hello again, nope, not single and they all came to my wedding!

I suppose there could have been address issues although I got the usual Christmas cards and I am right there as their friend on facebook so very easy to message and ask.

I am just wracking my brain as to what I may have done!

OP posts:

cupofteaplease · 11/07/2011 17:50

Hi OP,

The EXACT same thing happened to me the other month! Only we've all been friends since we met at secondary school aged 11. They were all invited (and most came) to my wedding, but I only saw pictures of one of the group's hen do and wedding on Facebook after the events had happened. The rest of the group were all there, just me missing.

I was hurt, it has to be said.

bellavita · 11/07/2011 17:52

Fab, I thought the same thing too

thekidsmom · 11/07/2011 17:54

Agree with you fab I've read the same scenario before...

So sorry for you OP, it does seem very unfair...

HairyFrotter · 11/07/2011 17:57

I can only think that maybe even though the others aren't close anymore maybe they are in contact that little bit more than you. Although I personally would invite everyone out of a group of friends like that if only for the sake of getting everyone together again. I doubt you have offended them in any way so I wouldn't waste any energy thinking about it.
Have they got photos on fb? I would be tempted to post gushing congratulations and comment on how much fun it looked just to make them feel bad but I am evil

scrappydappydoo · 11/07/2011 17:59

Fab - I seem to recall a thread awhile ago where the op had a similar group of friends and seemed to spend all her time stalking them on facebook and then getting upset because she she wasn't part of the group anymore - different tone to this one though.

Op - sorry you're going through this - can't offer any practical advice other than to maybe just try and move on.

JanMorrow · 11/07/2011 18:01

Well maybe the others all talk, even if it's just a little bit. I've got a bunch of mates from uni and I'm inviting most of them to my wedding, but if we haven't spoken in ages.. no, no I'm not inviting them. Some keep in touch more than others and I couldn't imagine them not being there.

Maybe you should have made more of an effort with them in recent years?

mo3d · 11/07/2011 18:04

If you're truely confused as to why you weren't invited, drop them an email and ask. You don't have to be confrontational or rude, you could ask if you have done anything to upset them, as you saw that the rest of the group was invited to the wedding.

You said you don't meet up much anyway, so you haven't got anything to lose IMO.

vintageteacups · 11/07/2011 18:05

Maybe you thought they had kept in touch to the same extent as you had (ie. not a lot) yet they had actually been in touch more and more and eventually, they were invited and you weren't as they don't see you as much?

BillComptonstrousers · 11/07/2011 18:07

fab there was a thread very similar to this, but the lady in question got very stalkerish with them all via facebook etc, and she was a bit weird about it all IIRC

HelloKlitty · 11/07/2011 18:10

I agree that it could have been a case of them all making mre effort than you did...you thought the contact was sporadic...but may not have been between them.

Original poster

glittershoes · 11/07/2011 18:11

That's the thing; I make a lot of effort. I send Christmas cards, birthday cards for them and their partners. I email fairly regularly for catch ups and, even within the past six months or so when they must have been very much planning their weddings, we have been chatting.

God I do sound a bit full on there but I am not, I promise, just not absent either!

The friend I am closest to (the one mentioned above), called me about her invite, saying she didn't ever speak to X and didn't even know where they lived anymore. She could have been exagerating but she wasn't aware that I hadn't been invited at that point so not sure why she would.

It is a bit sad when friends who you thought were friends turn out not to be so isn't it Cupofteaplease?

May take your advice HairyFrotter, just for fun!

OP posts:

GoEasyPudding · 11/07/2011 18:52

I totally understand your upset at this.

Facebook is full of info people want to "share" with the world but it exposes who are the A list and the B list friends.
Same thing has happened to me. You think your in the A Team with some folk but find out your in the B team!
It totally sucks!
But one must move onwards and upwards.

I too have read simular posts on this very subject I think because its a common problem. Facebook just puts it in your face. In the old days ones friendships would just develop or fade but you wouldnt have the pain of seeing photos of things you have been left out of dropping through your door, now you get it jumping up on your news feeds on facebook.
Its not really stalking when facebook lays it all out for you to see.

GoEasyPudding · 11/07/2011 19:20

Hang on, they all came to your wedding?

This totally sucks! I would be gutted too!

Whats the best thing to do here? I dont know about asking directly. It would just flag you up up as a freakazoid! That you are not! You sound great! Sending cards and emails and inviting them to your wedding - what else can you do for goodness sake? You sound like a top notch friend!

When you are relegated to the B Team and not included in stuff - what does one do? Get a new A Team together and think sod them!

HelloKlitty · 11/07/2011 19:26

Glitter do you have children? Do they?

Bumblequeen · 11/07/2011 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

GoEasyPudding · 12/07/2011 11:21

Bumblequeen, you were never pathetic to try and continue a friendship. Thats what we do when we think we have a friend, you cant always sit back and wait for people to come to you, you make some friendly moves toward them, then some time later you think whoops, thats over but I didnt notice!! Its horrid. Totally understand where you are coming from.
Its a tough one this because there are no rules in friendship like there is in dating.

JanMorrow · 12/07/2011 14:30

Ok if they came to your wedding and you still chat with them and send cards etc, then yes, that's more than a bit off and I'd be really upset in your place. Can you get your friend to casually ask why you weren't invited?

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