to think my BiL shouldn't kiss me on the lips?

[iceandsliceplease]

Just come home from a weekend with the inlaws and whilst it was all very lovely there were one or two moments of...well, ...

DP & I have been together 12 years, have two DCs, and spend a reasonable amount of time with his family. I've always got on well with DPs siblings who both live at the family home now, having finished uni, and they are great with our DCs when we go to stay. BiL is quite a few years younger than I am, and is absolutely hero-worshipped by DS, to the extent that when we stay, DS will sleep in BiLs room. Which brings us to the first weirdness...

I'd taken DS up to his bed (zedbed type affair next to BiLs double bed), and I was semi-lying on BiLs bed, reading the story when BiL came in. I said I'd just finish the chapter and then go (assuming he wanted to change or something as he was planning to go out), he said fine, pootled about a bit, then laid down on the bed I was already on, apparently ready to go to sleep. I felt a self-conscious about this, but just finished reading, saw that DS was asleep and left.

Then when we were leaving, I was in the living room with both DCs and BiL. Kids said goodbye to BiL, I went to give him a distanced hug and peck on the cheek (usual method of saying 'hello' and 'goodbye' to all members of DPs family), when he put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head (DPs family are all much, much taller than I am, as I am an utter short arse). I said 'Thanks very much for a great weekend and for keeping the kids entertained' (actually I said it into his chest as still had his arms around me), went to give him the usual peck on the cheek and at that precise moment, he turned his head and kissed me full on the lips. It felt very weird and very wrong.

I really can't decide if I'm being oversensitive and blowing this out of all proportion, or if he's being slightly inappropriate, but I feel very, very odd about it.

I'm not keen on lip kisses myself, especially when it's not what one is expecting. As you may have gathered.

actually its the kiss on the hair that strikes me as very intimate, as the lip kiss could have been a missed target. I always feel that a kiss on my hair or forehead is very "personal" - that's not the right word though. Even allowing for height difference, it seems a very loving thing to do.
I know a guy who I sometimes do work with, not same company, but sometimes on same projects. he's very tactile and always kisses me on greeting me, even though we are hardly best buds. Standing joke in the office is he fancies me. At a recent event he was leaving and I was crouched down on the floor, putting display materials away. instead of just saying he was going, or waiting for me to stand up, he kissed the top of my head and I felt very unnerved by it.

dementedma, I kind of didn't think much about the kiss to side/top of head as I thought that that was either a misjudged kiss, or he just wasn't intending to stoop down to my height for a peck on the cheek.

I do think a kiss to hair/forehead can be a more intimate thing (we give lots of people kisses on the cheek, but how many people do we allow to touch our hair?), but at the time it didn't feel as awkward because we were hugging if that makes sense? Somehow an unexpected swoop to kiss you on the hair/forehead is more intimate, IYSWIM?

I think you're overthinking it. If the kiss on the lips was only a peck, then it didn't mean anything more and was most likely an accident - if he fancied you he would have gone for a longer kiss to see if you reciprocated.

As for the bed thing - he wouldn't have done that if he fancied you, as it would have been too embarresing - the fact he was comfortable enough to do that suggests to me he sees you as a sister. This lad has known you since he was what 10? I'd be very surprised if he saw you as anything other than that now that he is in his early 20's - maybe if he was 16.

Are your DH's family a bit touchy feely anyway? My DH's family are - a lot more than mine and it still feels a bot weird sometimes. The only person other than my DH, mom and brother that is allowed to touch my pregnant belly without invitation is BIL (and he does every time I see him!) - but this is because I have known him 14 years and think of him as my brother - I am probably closer to him than my own brother.

lenak, you speak a lot of sense. DP's family aren't touchy feely, but DP, SIL & BIL do have a tendency to revert to childhood when they're together (water pistol fights, swimming races, etc which the DC & I always join in on, without the slightest trace of self consciousness).

Overthinking things is ever an issue for me. I think in this case that while it was weird, it wasn't intentionally so, so I'm not going to say anything to DP. I don't think we're going back to stay with his family any time soon and I'm feeling that BIL will either gloss over it, or make a joke out of it in any case.

I'm late to this thread but just thought I'd add my two pennies worth

My BiL did this type of thing. Started following me from room to room when I was in my own house, asking what I was doing. I found that a bit weird, but ignored it.

He started kissing me on the lips when he said goodbye at family occasions (in full view of my sister/his wife). I found that weird also, but told myself I was over-thinking things.

Then last month, he walked me home after a family party and pounced on me! (If you look at my history, you'll see it's my first post on MN).

My instincts told me months ago that he was trying to hit on me. He took his time but he did hit on me in the end.

Keep your distance. Listen to your instincts. That's what I should have done.

ice I hope you're right - and well done for being much less of a drama queen about it than I would be.

I would be very careful though - what's happened has happened; and only you and he know about it the way things stand. IME 'secrets' like this can come back to bite you on the bum sometimes. But maybe your ILs aren't as strange as mine

And meant to add that your side of the story will sound much more believable if you tell it now rather than later....

But then I am paranoid

Its a hard one but i would ignore it unless it happened again .

I can imagine the following, posted on mensnet:-

I think my SIL is up for it - first when I went to bed the other night she was sprawled all over it, supposedly reading to her kid, then when I hugged her goodbye she went to kiss me, even though I'd already done the peck on the head thing... well, I didn't want to be rude so...'

Seriously though, hope you get it sorted in your head. Might be he just has a little crush on you - perfectly normal I think if it passes really swiftly - and if nothing further happens...

TalesOfTheUnexpected ? that kind of scenario had crossed my mind, but because so far it's a one off (and it could well be that he was just doing it to wind me up) I'm inclined to think there's nothing more behind it. I will be keeping my distance in future though, and will definitely listen to my instincts.

MooMooFarm ? TBH I've felt like a drama queen posting on here like some teenager 'He kissed me on the lips! OMG! What do you think? What does this mean? Let's talk about it more! What does this meeeeeeeeean?' I don't want to stir up trouble between DP and his brother when it could have been a simple mistake, so unless something else happens in the future I'll leave it.
Re: in laws ? it's everyone else's family that's weird, surely?

Flyingspaghettimonster ? I was just thinking the same thing! Imagining him being really freaked out by me and worrying that I'm after him