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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my BiL shouldn't kiss me on the lips?

62 replies

iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 13:11

Just come home from a weekend with the inlaws and whilst it was all very lovely there were one or two moments of...well, ...

DP & I have been together 12 years, have two DCs, and spend a reasonable amount of time with his family. I've always got on well with DPs siblings who both live at the family home now, having finished uni, and they are great with our DCs when we go to stay. BiL is quite a few years younger than I am, and is absolutely hero-worshipped by DS, to the extent that when we stay, DS will sleep in BiLs room. Which brings us to the first weirdness...

I'd taken DS up to his bed (zedbed type affair next to BiLs double bed), and I was semi-lying on BiLs bed, reading the story when BiL came in. I said I'd just finish the chapter and then go (assuming he wanted to change or something as he was planning to go out), he said fine, pootled about a bit, then laid down on the bed I was already on, apparently ready to go to sleep. I felt a self-conscious about this, but just finished reading, saw that DS was asleep and left.

Then when we were leaving, I was in the living room with both DCs and BiL. Kids said goodbye to BiL, I went to give him a distanced hug and peck on the cheek (usual method of saying 'hello' and 'goodbye' to all members of DPs family), when he put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head (DPs family are all much, much taller than I am, as I am an utter short arse). I said 'Thanks very much for a great weekend and for keeping the kids entertained' (actually I said it into his chest as still had his arms around me), went to give him the usual peck on the cheek and at that precise moment, he turned his head and kissed me full on the lips. It felt very weird and very wrong.

I really can't decide if I'm being oversensitive and blowing this out of all proportion, or if he's being slightly inappropriate, but I feel very, very odd about it.

OP posts:
aftereight · 11/07/2011 14:37

Hmm, the fact that you were alone with him when he kissed you makes it sound more dodgy on his part.
My BIL used to occasionally put his hand on my thigh a's we were chatting, freaked me out but I never said anything, except to DH, who thought it was odd.
I'd definately tell your DH if I was you, then try to forget about it.

Tchootnika · 11/07/2011 14:41

Hmmm... I feel compelled to jump in here (again), as I think it's potentially a really bad idea to start telling DH that BIL is making you feel uncomfortable, etc. on the basis of what you've described.
It's a serious and potentially damaging thing to say about someone, and something that can never be unsaid.
I'm also quite Shock Hmm and Sad by posters saying he's definitely v creepy, etc. As responses to OP, this just seems hysterical and shit-stirring. Sorry if this is a bit blunt.

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 14:46

2rebecca, BIL is early mid 20s, moved home after university, but is moving out soon. DS was going to bed later than normal as he'd fallen asleep in the afternoon, and I'd thought BIL was going out, rather than having an early night (although he'd had a very late night with DP the night before). I know it does sound a bit weird though!

Bullet, true, but I do have a tendency to overthink things, so wanted some other perspectives on this, especially before I say anything to DP.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/07/2011 14:50

I find it a bit odd that when your BIL came into his bedroom and said he wanted to go to bed you continued to lie on his bed with him next to you. I would have got up off the bed as soon as my BIL laid down on it and told my son that I'd finish the chapter another day. Lying on the bed next to him and continuing reading sounds odd, and a bit rude as it's his bedroom.

Angel786 · 11/07/2011 14:52

Did he intend to kiss you like that!? No-one should kiss you on the lips except DP...

I'm sure I grew out of even kissing my mum on the lips by about 7!

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 14:59

2rebecca, I said I would go when BIL came in, but he said it was fine and he'd said earlier that he was going out that evening. He didn't say he was going to go to bed, which is why I was confused when he lay down.
Tchoot, going by the responses I've had on here so far, it doesn't seem clear cut, and for that reason I don't think I'll say anything to DP as it could have been a simple mistake.
Off to do the school run and and ponder some more methinks.

OP posts:
JanMorrow · 11/07/2011 15:00

I don't think you need to worry. Him lying on his bed is fine, it's something my sister my do if my fella was sitting on her bed, she genuinely sees him as a brother type figure.. and the kiss could have been an accident.

Unless he does/says anything similar in future visits I'd forget about it if I were you. He'd probably be mortified to think you feel like this (unless he is a creep?).

GothAnneGeddes · 11/07/2011 15:01

He fancies you. Proceed very carefully, but he fancies you.

MooMooFarm · 11/07/2011 16:28

I do think you should tell your DP. If you don't it makes it a bit wierd even if it isn't, iyswim?

Just tell him what happened, as in exactly what happened, and not what you think he may have meant by it. Then it's all out in the open and whatever was meant or not meant, you can forget about it. Other than keeping out of his bedroom in future maybe.... Grin

mauricetinkler · 11/07/2011 16:34

OP - it sounds like he fancies you but it sounds like you've got something going on for him as well.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 11/07/2011 16:36

You've been with your DP for 12 years? And BIL is what - 24/25?

He has known you since he was a child, you will be like a big sister to him. That isn't creepy behaviour, it is just family behaviour.

I think you are really over-thinking it.

MooMooFarm · 11/07/2011 16:38

Ooh maurice why do you say that?

I didn't pick that up myself...

MooMooFarm · 11/07/2011 16:40

Eek - in my family I wouldn't kiss my big sister on the lips!

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 17:02

alibaba, this is true and I think I said before that he usually treats me the same way as he does his own older sister. That's why when I think of the bed incident in that context, I'm not so bothered. It's more that the bed thing with the lip kissing thing within 24 hours is making me Confused.

genuinely intrigued mauricetinkler - why do you think that? Unless you are my BIL of course...

OP posts:
mauricetinkler · 11/07/2011 17:11

Just a wild hunch iceandsliceplease. There is a sense that you would be quietly pleased if the mumsnet jury came back with a 'yes, he wants to shag you' verdict. Although I could be wrong..

Tchootnika · 11/07/2011 17:17

Oh, do rein it in, maurice. That 'you're just projectin', darlin'' approach is sooo tedious.

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 17:28

that's some wild hunch you've got there maurice. Best let go back to its natural habitat IMO. For the record, I get on well with him, but he's like a little brother to me. I'll try most things, but incest isn't one of them.

OP posts:
DoubleNegativePanda · 11/07/2011 17:45

That is odd and inappropriate, especially as it made you so uncomfortable. If any of my three BILs kissed me on the mouth I'd likely crack him upside the head. Two of them I'd like to do that anyhow.

MonkeyTastic · 11/07/2011 17:45

Ok, just garnered some male opinion on this. It's been widely suggested that your BIL might be taking the piss out of you. Could this be the case? You don't seem keen to shrug it off as an accident. Do you think he might have know this is how you'd react and thought it would be funny? Just a thought...

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 17:54

MonkeyTastic, that never even once crossed my mind! But now you say it... I know he is very flirtatious with female friends (never with me) and may well have thought it would be funny to freak me out a bit by doing this (his sense of humour is sometimes a little odd). Hmm

Your male opinion givers may be onto something there.

OP posts:
lashingsofbingeinghere · 11/07/2011 17:55

Not enough evidence to say what his intentions are, yet.

If he tries the kiss on the lips stuff again, I'd say his intentions were less than honorable Grin.

razzlebathbone · 11/07/2011 18:18

How long did the kiss last?

Original poster
iceandsliceplease · 11/07/2011 19:34

not long at all. About as long as a normal goodbye kiss would take. It certainly wasn't lingering, intense or any other Mills & Boon esque notions

OP posts:
BillComptonstrousers · 11/07/2011 19:47

Does anybody else kiss family members on the lips?

I've never really thought about it TBH, but just realised my dad always gives me a kiss on the lips when saying goodbye, but in a 'squeeze your cheeks like I am still a child' kind of way

And my father in law who we don't see loads as he lives about 4 hours away, always gives me a massve bear hug and a huge smackeroo on the lips as well.

Never thought anything of it, and definatly don't see it as weird or making me uncomfortable in any way.

MooMooFarm · 11/07/2011 20:35

Ooh I don't like the idea of lips kisses - other than with DH and the DCs (when they were v young)

Maybe I'm just uptight Grin