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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fuming about my FIL and his easily solved problems!

62 replies

hellospoon · 11/07/2011 09:55

This is going to be a long one so bare with me.
My FIL lives in a 1 bedroomed over 55's gated community, due to problems with my MIL (another thread) he has my 2 BIL's living with him they are 17 + 21 they do drugs, they drink, don't work or provide a single penny to earn their keep totally scrounge of my FIL. The flat is disgusting and isn't fit for a dog to live in, FIL has been told several times that the boys need to move out as he is breaking the terms of his rental having them both there.

Now back in march FIL went to the doctors about a growth in his privates, it turned out to be cancerous, which has been treated and last week he was given the all clear. Huge relief for everyone most of all him, now me and dp asked FIL to come and live with us. We have the space and really thought this situation required action to be taken to protect his health and to get him out of the pit he lives in.

In december last year FIL took redundancy and got a 20k payout, we were having some issues regarding our housing, and about to be made homeless, FIL lent us £2500 to cover everything we needed to move into a house, ie deposit. Months rent and finalising of old bills and also to get our car fixed, we agreed we would pay him back during 2011 which would provide him with a small income each month, it is now july and he has spent all his redundancy money, all he has to show for it is a washing machine and a cooker. The rest has been spent on drugs, fags and beer and his rent which is £50 a week.
This is the problem: FIL is very depressed and cannot leave his flat for more than hour without having a panic attack, he has been signing on for the last few weeks and is in the process of applying for housing/council tax benefits, he still has the boys with him and has given them 1 months notice to find somewhere else to live (this won't happen). Yesterday he phoned my dp and said he had no food no money and is a week behind on his rent and he wants all of the money we owe him.

Now we have an agreement to pay him back monthly, I am not working at the minute as I am retraining and we barely break even each month. I totally lost my patience with him last night, iv basically told him he needs to get a grip and accept my help in sorting his dire situation out before he is made homeless. So today I have made him a doctors appointment to get ad's for his depression + anxiety, I am taking him to the job centre to sign on, then to the housing office to find out what is happening with his benefits, and then to asda to buy him food. I have refused to just hand over money when he is just going to buy fags and booze for the boys! Aibu to do this?

I have offered him so much help and all I get is oh your not related to me so I don't want to! Aibu to be really fed up of my dp taking the slack for his family?? What else can I do except from getting tough with him?!

OP posts:

SenoritaViva · 11/07/2011 13:39

whereyouleftit yes, I read it as BILs as the drug users too. My point was that he doesn't sound all that together and would he get in the way of her child minding? Or be sitting there or moping about and making me wonder whether I'd want my child being minded there? Please note I am not making some horrible child molestation point but whether it would make the OP appear professional to prospective clients (don't know, don't have CM experience). And on top of that if he is a smoker and lived with her would he be prepared to smoke down the street because no one wants a man in the back garden smoking whilst their children are being minded.

cantspel · 11/07/2011 13:40

There is a good chance he wont get housing benefit if has gone through 20k in under a year.

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 13:45

On a practical level; He is breaking the conditions of his tenancy agreement, so will not find getting alternative accomodation easy. If you approach the landlord, he will be evicted. Do you really want him living with you long term?

He is enableing his DS's to carry on the way they are. They need housing, firstly, it needs to be decided how that is going to be arranged as it cannot carry on, they are making themselves intentionally homeless, the council , at present, has no duty to help any of them.

Your FIL anxiety may be part left over from the cancer treatment and is probably mostly to do with the stress of his DS's, living with addicts isn't easy. AD's on their own isn't the answer, he needs to feel that he can solve his problems.

The DS's are young enough and not gripped in addiction enough to do something about it now, if it continues it will be a different matter. The 17 year old will definatly get help with housing, let the elder one stay with him, your FIL needs to step out for the sake of his health.

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 13:47

Just to add, whilst he was going through cancer treatment he should have got ESA, so has he had a benefit check?

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 13:49

As well (sorry), you should not 'get tough with him', he sounds very vunerable and worn down, he needs support. Your DP should be actively involved.

girlywhirly · 11/07/2011 14:03

hellospoon, could you talk to the warden about courses of action to get the BIL's out? Change locks, etc? Get police involved if they refuse to leave? I think that having FIL live with you would mean lots of visits from the BIL's and you don't want that when you're childminding.

I bet they were the ones who helped themselves to all FIL's money, is there any evidence that they forced him to hand over cash or stole it? I guess it depends on how much trouble FIL will get into if you have to involve the police to evict the 'squatters' or on suspicion of theft, especially with the illegal drugs complication. (The warden might decide to evict FIL too, esp. as the flat is a tip and he's getting behind with the rent, the drugs thing might just tip the balance)

Frankly, DP should be sorting this out, or at least doing this together with you. I think you are doing the right thing by offering to buy him food and stuff instead of giving cash, but until the boys are gone I think they will just eat it all. I don't think FIL will see things from your point of view until his depression and anxiety have been stabilised, so all you can do is try to look out for him as best you can. I don't envy you!

Original poster

hellospoon · 11/07/2011 16:57

Well, today I have sprung into action and thankfully FIL has let me help him and get on with it, he has a docs appointment this afternoon to sort out getting a sick note, dp went into the job centre with him this morning and they discussed his options, he is to old and to sick I.e cancer recovery and depression to even consider working, so he is going to discuss with the doc about dla qualifications.

I also went into the housing office with him to find out what is going to with his benefit, turns out they cancelled his claim as they didn't know where all his money he got from redundancy has gone, well I got him a new form and we are going to write down everything he has spent it on and try and get somewhere with that.

With regards to my BIL's, yes they are the ones who do drugs not FIL, FIL is a recovered alcoholic however does sometimes drink. I also spoke to the housing people about them, they advised that they can get homeless accommodation if they go there with I'd and the forms filled in (which isn't likely) FIL is going to speak to his warden and see if they can help get rid.

Someone up above asked where MIL is, she is living in her lovely 3 bed home surrounded in luxuries without a care for her children or ex-husband of 30 years. We do not get on.

OP posts:

EndaHoran · 11/07/2011 17:13

He's not a recovered alcoholic if he drinks. I think MIL is right tbh, and that you are a star for bothering with the three of them.

SenoritaViva · 11/07/2011 17:24

Well done Hellospoon for starting to get things sorted. I think one of the most important things is to get the bloody BILs out of your FIL's place. They sound like spongers and disrespectful of their father's health nor his living space.

Original poster

hellospoon · 11/07/2011 17:37

Your right there senorita, they have no respect for anyone, they have not once asked about our dd (their niece) but then again they have their mothers blood in them which makes them how they are, and also FIL just gives and gives some more. I think reality is hitting home that he needs to sort himself out.

OP posts:

Original poster

hellospoon · 11/07/2011 17:37

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 17:44

Do you have a local CAB/advice centre near you.

They are better at doing criteria and benefit checks than either the GP or benefit agency.

Be careful in approaching the warden as if he gets involved he may be under obligation to report your FIL for breach of tenancy. Your FIl will need support to get rid of them and may be forced to phone the police.

All they have to do is present themselves as homeless to the council, the 17 year old will get help very quickly the elder one will be offered hostel accomodation, but tbh, they aren't your problem. In truth your FIL has enabled their behaviour.

If FIL does go to an advice centre they can help with housing issues and could sort everyone out in one go.

ll31 · 11/07/2011 19:32

while you're clearly being really helpful to your fil I'd be a bit taken aback at your refusla to give him the money he loaned you to be honest..

Original poster

hellospoon · 11/07/2011 20:46

ll31 were not refusing to give him the money back.. jeez can't anyone read the op!

We are paying him back as per our arrangement! however my argument is that anything more than that will get wasted by my BIL's! His health is in a poor state and he is living in filth! i would rather help him out of the rut he is in than make his situation worse by just ignoring it!

OP posts:

stilldazed · 11/07/2011 22:01

featherbagthanks for your comment, you know i think you're right, I do come across as a 'nasty piece of work'

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 11/07/2011 22:16

Good on you, still, for coming back and saying that.

hello - glad to hear how you got on.

I have to say, though I can see it must be really hard for you given you are doing so much for your FIL, your MIL is reacting in an understandable way. It can't have been fun to be married to an alcoholic and to have two sons using drugs - maybe she just got to the point where she couldn't take it any more.

skybluepearl · 11/07/2011 22:24

you made an agreement and set your own monthly finances around how you had agreed to pay him back. you both agreed the terms and now you can't just magic money up from nothing. yes continue paying him back slowly as agreed and yes help him. what you are doing is of much more support than handing a wad of cash over.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/07/2011 08:33

Lrd when you put it like that I can see why MIL had enough of them, however me and my dp don't see her either, she's not seen her grandchild for over a year. That's when she told dp he had ruined her life, he is the only one in the family who made something of himself. She despises me for reasons only she knows.

still thank you for admitting it, sometimes in a virtual world we don't come across as we would in rl!

sky yes my thoughts exactly, fingers crossed we get everything sorted and him back on his feet again!

OP posts:

cantspel · 12/07/2011 08:52

If he is 65 he wont get dla as he is too old to qualify. He will have to apply for attendance allowance which is even harder to get than dla

PrincessJenga · 12/07/2011 09:07

While i agree with all the others who think you're doing an amazing job as a dil & going above & beyond for your fil, I can't help worrying about the 17 year old bil. To me, a 17 year old at college isn't a sponger, he's a normal teenager who should still be supported by his parents. Is there any way you could support him, eg by offering him a room until he finishes college (with strict rules against the drug taking!) so that fil can stay in his flat?

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 09:46

Cant- he is 64 and AA tends to 'be harder' if the medical condition is one which isn't unusual in old age, the FIL has had cancer treatment.

TBH if he has been a long term, heavy drinker or alcoholic, you will have to watch for early dementia. It is difficult to say where his anxiety is coming from, at present, because he has so much going on.

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/07/2011 10:20

princessjenga we took 17 year old bil in when I was pregnant with dd (about 7 months) as mil had kicked him out. Within a week we had the police at the door wanting to search the house! I will not be put in that position again especially with dd in the house. He cannot follow rules and makes a point of letting everyone know it.

cantspell thanks for the info, I will have a look into that

OP posts:

Original poster

hellospoon · 12/07/2011 10:20

cantspell thanks for the info, I will have a look into that

OP posts:

rainbowtoenails · 12/07/2011 10:33

I agree with princess. I think your concern here should be for the child. This 17yo has obviously had a shitty upbringing. Making him homeless is v harsh and couldbe the start of a downward spiral to being a junkie/ in prison. Offer a room to him, on condition he goes to college and stops the drugs and leave the 2 adults to themselves.

rainbowtoenails · 12/07/2011 10:35

Ok, can you get social services involved then?

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