to ask for your suggestions on how to improve my happiness and life?

[depressedwithmylife]

Been married for 20 years. Have 3 DC.
I just feel like I do everything on my own, but DH can't see things from my point of view. He will help, but only if I ask him or he has first asked me what can he do to help, and after 20 years of marriage, I really don't see why I should have to set out clear instructions for him every time I want him to do anything. I can't see why he can't just look around and see what needs doing. Grrrrr!!
If I left things down to him, he would watch television all day and sleep. He is always complaining he is tired, but what about me? I am tired alot of the time too.
I am sick to death of organising everything, cleaning the house on my own, arranging all the appointments on my own, and all the other paraphenalia that comes with having 3DC and being a parent.
I feel so angry and sad that I either have to just get on with it, or describe in detail what I want done FFS!!!
Why can't DH have a little initiative????

DH will do what I ask when I am at work, although it is not done properly, but I still have to point out what needs doing before I go, after 20 years!!
He doesn't always do a good job, but this might be because he is trying to get away with doing as little as possible, I just dont know.

I am very tired, and am going to bed very soon. Yes, I will be up again between 4 and 5am.

I'm not in the slightest bit angry, and find it rather bizarre that you think you can assume my mental states from toneless words on a screen sans any form of other clues such as body language. Have you long thought yourself psychic, pointydog?

I stand by my advice. People take advantage of you if you let them. Put down the mantle of martyrdom and take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, and quite simply stop being everybodys general dogsbody.

You ar making a rod for your own back with dc3 and are not helping her by facilitating her need to get up at 4am. This is not good behaviour for her to learn, especially the waking everyone else up if she doesnt get her own way. U don't help your self or her

Blimey - I have to agree with msteak!

My guess is he doesn't care much about tidy houses and wants to get away with as little as possible. If you'll do it, he'll let you. I think the rota idea is worth a go - although I've tried something similar, everyone moans and reluctantly complies for a few days, then it starts to slide again. Makes you feel like you're constantly nagging at people to remember the rota, and so doesn't really feel like a lot of progress. Unfortunately, it's very hard to break habits after everyone's got used to you doing most of it for many years.

The other option is to just lower your standards, put up with more mess and try to just relax and enjoy yourself more! This has been my approach and while I don't like living in a mess (it's a mess to me, but dh doesn't think so), there is less resentment. I'd encourage your dc to have some chores too - they need breaks from studying and should have time to do a few basics.

I do feel sorry for you but am sure that you need to be more assertive. Could a change in routine help?

My 4 dc (ages 11, 9, 6, 4) were starting to get a bit lazy and I organised them to do the same jobs regularly about 1 1/2 years ago, as I was getting knackered. All of them tidy, polish, window clean and vac their rooms each Saturday afternoon, with me observing and helping. They all put their piles of folded clothes away. They all have meal time jobs (one does the drinks, one sets the table, one puts out the cutlery, one the condiments - gets done quicker - and they tidy up the bits they put out). They all put away their coats, school bags and empty homework out each day. Although young, they get tons of homework from their school but I don't want them to get a shock when they leave home, like I did!

DH gets told (yes told, he is not perfect) that his regular jobs are to clean the windows, mow the lawn, and iron all shirts. Without being told, he moves on the dishwasher and the clothes wash. All of them know they are their jobs and I do the rest, which is loads still. We both hold down full time jobs, but with dh it was the same when he worked and I was part time. I think that you need to sit down, say what you think and tell him to choose three substantial regular jobs.

As for your third child, I would go crazy if my four year old (not a great sleeper himself) was doing that and would say, look, here is a clock, you are not to get out of bed unless it is x time, unless the house is burning down, I need sleep so that I am no longer a grumpy woman, stop thinking of yourself and be a kind child and think about me!

I posted elsewhere earlier about the baby zoo sleep trainer alarm clock from Jojo Maman Bebe - was going crazy before I bought this and was well worth the thirty notes......

He sounds like an absolute bastard to me.

What kind of bloke gets up at 4am 5 out of 7 mornings and travels a great distance to work and provide for his family, then has the cheek to come home and not do the jobs he's been told to do properly? As for playing with the kids and walking the dog...that's really taking the piss!

No seriously op...I can see why your lone parent friend thinks you're being unreasonable because to a lone parent that kind of stuff would be heaven! You're both tired which sounds pretty normal to me. You both seem to do your share (from what you've said so far). I really think you need to get the kids doing chores too though or at least picking their own crap up...mine do (after i've threatened told them a thousand couple times). It makes such a huge difference, i'm always shocked at how quickly we get things done when the kids actually help!

Earlier you said that DH job is" not physically demanding, just mentally. "

A mentally demanding job can actually be more tiring than a physical job.
Physical means the body gets tired, we sleep and are refreshed, but mentally tiring work can lead to disturbed sleep, inability to sleep etc etc.
Im not saying this is the case, just that it could be a part of the problem .

You are making yourself a martyr, of course the kids can help more. Its teaching them life skills and a healthy attitude to taking responsibility for their own things.
You say when he does do stuff its not usually done properly! Maybe he does not reach your standards but he is helping. Maybe your standards are too high, again making a martyr of yourself. Do you do the " oh I'll do it myself" routine?? Hardly going to inspire him to help if anything he does is not good enough. Why would he want to help if anything he does is just going to be negated.
Yes I know its not "helping" and it is actually his responsibility too but if you nag him about how badly he has done it he is gonna back off isnt he.

Allowing your dc to get up at 4am is definitely not helping matters and I would say is a bigger problem with your state of mind than the fact that you have a husband who does not meet your housework criteria.

This is behavioural and has learnt a habit because you have allowed it and given in to it. Only you can undo it.
Stop being a martyr
look at the real reasons you are so unhappy with your lot

Bloody hell I think there would be lots of women on here who would wish they had half of what you have, a husband who works , healthy children, a nice home.
Surely a bit of dust and family mess is not worth getting so stressed about.
Learn to appreciate the good things and stop sweating the small stuff.

When they get home from school and DH is home from work, just say "sod it, lets go out for a picnic, walk, play on the beach... anything thats different from your normal "work routine"
Watch their faces , you may surprise yourself too and enjoy it and I promise you the house will not melt because the kids left their toys out, and the garbage didnt get taken out

I'd like to be more helpful but while you've asked for suggestions about how to change your life, all the useful, practical replies you've had so far seem to have been met with a somewhat gloomy defensiveness.

Of course your DCS should assist around the house - regardless of homework. Your 17 year old could be off to university next year and needs to learn how to look after her/himself now, not after leaving home. Nobody gets so much homework that they can't help with basic stuff .

Your DC3 has long got past the age where she needs 100% attention for every moment of the day and she needs to learn how to entertain herself while you get on with things you need to do. Although if she helped you with simpler household tasks then you'd both benefit. Watching a modest amount of television won't kill her but I can't see where this 10 hours business comes into it. Surely you don't spend 10 hours a day on household drudgery? As for getting up and demanding breakfast at 4am, just stop it now. It might be that her natural sleep patterns make her wake up early but for sure, she should read or play quietly in her room until the rest of the household get up and have breakfast. YOU are the adult, here and you set down the expectations. Also, why is it so impossible to take a job during school hours?

Totally agree with pandemonua and the rest of the people on here about your gloomy defensiveness and bein a martyr. I actually suspect you came on here because you wanted a lot of 'poor you' replies and now you are not getting them (because let's face it you are a martyr who let's your children get away with not doing much and who is teaching your youngest quite brattish behaviour by allowing her to wake everyone up if she doesn't get her way) you are being defensive.
You say your husband always does what he is asked and does a lot with the children and works hard but still you are not happy because he doesn't do things like you - I am actually startif to feel really really sorry for him - the poor man. You seem to totally unappreciated him and hold no value in how hard he seems to work with your dismissal that his Job is not physically demanding.

If you really want to be happy start listening to some of the practical advice here and get off your high horse.

I do have to clean up after the DC, although I do complain loudly about their mess, but I made a promise to them that I don't expect them to do much in the way of helping in the house during term time.

Sounds like there needs to be some rules and a lot more discipline in your household. Your kids are old enough to clean up their own mess...but while you are doing it they won't bother. They should be helping out, keeping their rooms clean and tidy...putting dirty clothes in the wash basket (or wherever they go), cleaning their own shoes, laying the table before meals, helping with shopping....

You are making a rod for your own back....and sounds as if your DH is doing the same as the kids.

Tell them it's enough now...you are NOT going to carry on as you have been and expect everyone to do their part OR......

and stick to it!

Depressed - it's v frustrating and exhausting being the one that has to keep everything ticking over. Feeling like you are the one ultimately responsible for everything is hard and I dont think you are sounding like a martyr.
I find that I resent my DH when I am very very tired and want to scream at him for not taking the initiative but I have started to learn to step back and I realise that some of the things I feel mad about are bugging me more than usual because I am so tired.
The fact that he admitted that he was lazy and lthat it was easier to leave things for me to do p*ed me off big time. He will quite happily sit on his backside and let me do stuff.... So, I stopped doing certain things- I don't do his ironing, I rarely go to the supermarket and I never take the bins or recycling out. He returns DD library books as he hates the fines and he takes her to certain clubs. He actually likes fetching and carrying and i hate it so we have sort of fallen into this pattern after a lot of trial and error.
OP, don't get into the habit of feeling resentful as it is damaging - think of things you want to do for yourelf then for him and the family and things he can do for himself and for you and the DC. Stop doing things for him that he really should do for himself - eg ironing.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Ps don't forget your DH is tired too - you are probably both struggling and My post is to you not him because you started the thread. He needs to help you and you him- equally.