to ask for your suggestions on how to improve my happiness and life?

[depressedwithmylife]

Been married for 20 years. Have 3 DC.
I just feel like I do everything on my own, but DH can't see things from my point of view. He will help, but only if I ask him or he has first asked me what can he do to help, and after 20 years of marriage, I really don't see why I should have to set out clear instructions for him every time I want him to do anything. I can't see why he can't just look around and see what needs doing. Grrrrr!!
If I left things down to him, he would watch television all day and sleep. He is always complaining he is tired, but what about me? I am tired alot of the time too.
I am sick to death of organising everything, cleaning the house on my own, arranging all the appointments on my own, and all the other paraphenalia that comes with having 3DC and being a parent.
I feel so angry and sad that I either have to just get on with it, or describe in detail what I want done FFS!!!
Why can't DH have a little initiative????

Also, make sure you're looking after yourself properly, eat well, exercise, sleep and spend time with people whose company you enjoy.

Sorry to go on, but I am very interested in happiness

Tell your kids and your husband that you feel like a drudge and they will have to start doing more or you will be bloody miserable.

Plan one or two things a week that you like to do and do them.

Speak to your dh and plan something nice for the two of you. A short hol or evening out or something.

I have exactly the same problem [hsad]

That is constructive. If you lie down on the florr people will walk on you. Picking up after 17 year olds? Doing everything in the house? Why would you do that?

Some of this advice is ridiculous to be frank. Plan a night out? That'll help won't it!

The only sensible advice to the Op is to grow a backbone and stand up for herself. Don't wait on 4 other people hand and foot and then whine about it afterwards.

Yes, can relate OP - he says the reasons for leaving it it for me to do even though we BOTH work FT are as follows...

1. He's knackered
2. I like things done my way..I re- do stuff he has done crapply
3. He doesn't notice mess
4. He's lazy

He's taken on a share now - dishwasher, his and DD work Sch clothes, DD Sch bag, bins, recycling, supermarket, picking DD up from Sch. I cook and tidy and clean.

Should have said ' were as follows ...'

Msteak, you seem angry, needlessly angry. Sort of taking it all to heart too much.

I have had similar issues here. Part of the solution is gettings your DCs and DH to help you a bit, the other part is adjusting your own attitude. You can allow this to wind you up and up and up or you can choose to let it go a bit. Counting your blessings doesn't alter your circumstances but it does make you feel more positive and better able to deal with stuff.

I bet you are exhausted, I can't stand my DH sitting around and resting when I have still got jobs to do and am exhausted. It's perfect resentment breading ground!

Agree with opus

I am pleased to see so many replies. I will do a rota. I feel very much like Joric. Joric's list of reasons why her DH doesn't do as much as her are the same reasons as my DH gives me.
I have discussed this with a couple of friends, one a single parent who's rubbish partner left her and never bothers with his DC, and the other is married but doesn't mind doing everything and they both say IABU because according to them, I have lots of time to myself, all 3DC are at school, and I work 3 evenings a week, when DH does very little, sometimes he takes the DC to Mcdonalds for their dinner because he doesn't want to cook.
Most of the time, I cook before I go to work.
I tried to explain that I also volunteer twice a week, and have a dog to walk and look after (another thing the DC wanted and I am left to look after).
That is on top of all of the housework.

DH works 5 days a week, and will do what I ask him when he returns from work, or asks me what I want him to do, but I want him to think for himself.
DH walks the dog every evening, is a hands on father, DC3 needs someone to play with all the time or she gets bored and just watches tv, and DH will play with her. He will do anything I ask, but it is rarely done properly, and only if I stipulate exactly what I want done.

DH takes DC1 and DC2 out on Sundays too, but this leaves me with DC3 who is the hardest work of all since I need to constantly play.

This weekend, DH took DC3 out on Saturday morning, then came back and walked the dog before we went to the inlaws.

Today DH took DC1 and DC2 out for the day, and I had DC3, who gets me up between 4 and 5am every morning, no matter what I do. It is always me who gets up.
My 2 friends seem to think IABU because I shouldn't get up with DC3 at 4am. I explained that DC3 doesn't like being downstairs on own, and wakes the other DC up if I dont get up, but my friends say my DH does do lots, when I ask him, and I should have a chat with DC3 about waking me at 4am every day to play.
I dont want DC3 to feel afraid in the morning of being alone though.

I will definitely do a rota though, but my DC do have an awful lot of homework.

Should've said that DC3 has always started the day between 4 and 5 am. Even at weekends, when DH doesn't get up for work.
If I don't get up with her, she wakes the rest of the house.
I am hoping she will grow out of this and learn to play on her own, or perhaps make other friends to play with as she gets older.

Can your dh take all 3 dcs out at weekends? Why does he leave dc3 out or just take dc 3 alone?
Can you put dc3 to bed later so that he wakes up later? If you have to be up with him, does he let you lie there whilst he watches TV or plays on computer so at least you get your sleep?
If your dcs are not taking care of the dog, how about giving it away unless they take responsibility.
Has your dh always been like this (useless at taking initiative) or it is something that has developed over the years?
Can you afford a cleaner?

How is my name a pun Inthenightgarden? I am confused. btw I have never heard of Miss Tic.

blueshoes DH doesn't often take all 3 DC, mainly because their interests are rather different due to their ages, but has done on occasion.
It makes no difference what time DC3 goes to bed. When DC3 gets me up, the day has begun and that starts with breakfast immediately, followed by playing until the other DC and DH wake.
I have threatened to have the dog rehomed, but this upset the DC, so we are at stalemate.
DH has always been this way, yes.
Cannot afford a cleaner unless I work more. I was offered a job during school hours, but am not happy to work school hours and 3 evenings a week as well as do all of the housework, so when I was offered the school hours job and DH asked me if I intended on keeping the evening job, I screamed at him that No, I wouldn't be doing both jobs, and decided to stick with the evening job.

Depressedwithyourlife are you in fact depressed? Do you enjoy anything in your life? Do you look forward to the future?

Can you not get dc3 to read or play if she's awake in the early morning and have a reward if she does it for a few days in a row? You have to get some sleep and then things will look better.

Sorry for a lot of questions...

I think you need to be much firmer with your dc3 and teach him/her that their behaviour (insisting on getting up at 4am) is not on and waking the rest of the house is definitely NOT on. Sounds like you are spoiling your child by letting them dictate that they can get up this early and by not handing out some kind of punishment of he/she Wales the rest of the house. Leaning selfish me me me behaviour or what?! Maybe you really do need to say thy the dog will go If your child insists on the brattish behaviour of 'I will get up at 4am and wake the whole house of you don't get up with me'

Why are you not clamping down on this? It is awful, spooky behaviour and you are not doing your child any favours by letting th
Do this

Agree with beertricks. Your dc3's waking at 4am is definitely not helping. I wouldn't give her breakfast at that time. She should wait until a normal hour - her body has got used to eating at that time, so it may have become a habit to wake up - or has she always eaten at that time ever since a baby?

On the helping, my dh is similar - doesn't help unless specifically asked, but then does what is needed. I don't have a solution as we've been over it a hundred times. He says I just want things much tidier than he does and he never notices any mess. I wish he'd just do it, and to be fair to him when I'm not around, he does actually get on and do the basics (although like your dh feeding them McDonalds is the easiest option for him). Perhaps you need to go out more and see whether your dh actually does anything when you leave him to it.

Sorry, I realise you work 3 evenings a week - does he do any housework while you're out?

I am hoping DC3 will grow out of this behaviour of getting up early and wanting me to spend all of my time playing with her as she grows older. She is very good if I cant play because she will watch television then, but I dont want her watching television for 10 hours a day, which she would if I didnt play with her.
I will not be having any more DC and I don't want DC3 to grow up before her time if that makes sense.
I can cope with it if I had some more help to cope with it, but as I said earlier, I am tired too.

What time do you get to bed if you're up at 4? It's getting late...