AIBU in thinking my parents should see my children more than twice a year.

[violett]

Sorry, I know it's yet another thread about grandparents, but I feel quite upset. My parents live 3 miles away, fit and healthy and in early retirement although they don't go away , they have a strict routine such as food shopping on a thursday which they don't like to deviate from. They have seen my 3 children twice this year, Christmas and Easter and this was at a family get together at someone elses house.If I suggest meeting up say in October, My mum will say oh don't worry because we will see you at Christmas and if I suggest meeting up in January it will be , oh don't worry , I'm sure will see you at Easter.
I think it's a bit wierd really, and feel sorry for my children as they keep asking why don't they see their grandparents.My PIl are normal and they do see them every weekend.I just feel sad and I know it's their loss, but I can't help it.I know we all think are children are great but I have my neighbours offering to babysit or pick them up from school because they say they are such lovely children and I just think how much they are missing.They have never babysat, spent one to one just chatting, gone to school plays, sports days ..they don't even act interested when I bring photos.when my DH bumped into my Mum at the shops with DD after her ballet exam she said she hated her hair ( it was in a ballet bun ) and after 30 seconds looking at photos on DH phone announced I can't look anymore and made her excuses.When our family meets up with my sisters children ( who she does have staying overnight occasionally, which upsets me ) she will make comments such as whos currently the best behaved or will make little comments if she feels one of mine has said something he shouldn't.She will also only chat to mine for 20 seconds and then come over to me and say Oh, I found out lots of secrets about you.I just feel upset, but do you think I should just move on and ignore them ?

she sounds awful, maybe you are lucky not seeing her? I found seeing the funny side helped. Don't take her behaviour seriously - i coped really well with my MILs behaviour by just reporting back to my best friend. we laugh so much about what she does

Actually I think DBF may have a point. My DM has made it very clear that her "role" is to be a granny, nothing else. It is upsetting Violett and I feel the same as you but I have a slightly toxic family and am trying to distance myself. Other people have expressed this more eloquently than me (sorry tired). I feel then that I am free to develop my own good relationships with people who will benefit my DC more.

Well quite clearly DBF your children may feel exactly as the OP and many others do about a grandparents indifference.
I always thought being a grandparent was the best bit, all the fun, all the good bits then hand them back when they are crying...... I'm quite looking forward to it myself.

I do know lots of lovely older couples who my DC visit , which is really lovely of them.It does make me think if people who are not my family want to be close then why doesn't my Mum ? but I suppose we are all different.I think I will try and think of her as perhaps living the other side of the world and so whilst being my mother won't be someone I have much contact with and see if it helps !
I don't really confide in anyone about it as I find it a bit embarrassing when my friends talk about cooking sunday roasts with their parents of they meet up at school events and they ask why don't mine come when they live a couple of miles away.I just pretend they are on holiday all the time !!
My DD often talks about having children and bringing them round to me for the dat etc and I geniuinely would love that..they will be part of her and so part of me .

Sounds to me like they are avoiding you. Maybe your parents just don't like you very much?

Yes it seems weird - and rather sad for all of you. There's a big difference I think between grandparents who aren't keen to babysit, or do regular childcare, or spend every Sunday together (I can quite understand those ones), and ones who live so close and see their grandchildren so rarely.

My mum didn't like boy children, I was one of girls. She was of the school of thought that boys are just very naughty and didn't 'get' them at all. Did you have any brothers? Sorry, haven't read whole thread if you said already.

Am finding it quite difficult to get my head around some attitudes on this thread (DBF and OP's mother). Your children's children are not some random strangers but your family.

I cannot imagine an old age without the love and support of my family and -hopefully - grandchildren.

My mum can be a PITA on occasion but she sees my DCs 2 or 3 times a week and often has them to stay. In fact, she'd have them more often if we'd let her.

She actually only likes boys...I have a brother and a twin sister and she used to keep going on about ( she was a teacher ) only liking the boys in her class and not liking the girls at all and then saying that she didn't actually want twins and poor her all my life really as if it was my fault i was born a twin.She only likes well behaved children ,but thinks all children these days are badly behaved, so i don't take that personally.Goodness , she sounds strange !

That is very very weird-I live 7 miles from dd and family and see tham at least twice a week!

them obviously :)

I have similar issues with my parents though my car story involve serious injury to my DH and me having no transport three very young DC and being completely desperately upset and scared with good reason- and them being 'busy' with nothing much.

I also have the problem of them being good with the DC when the rare occasions they do come - TBH if they weren't would probably not bother. In-between complete disinterest and it's all my siblings DC.

It does feel like rejects and there are times when I have tears over it. Most of the time - I focus on my family and try and be grateful for whatever involvement they do want and try not to dwell on it.

YANBU at all for being upset about this, but I would really just stick to the rare occasional visit that your parents deign to agree to and get on with your life with the people who do value your DC. One day perhaps, your parents will need help and support, but that won't be your problem.

I know I dont want to be like my parents. I think mine are selfish and strange at times. My lo is nearly 3 they have never bothered to babysit him overnight, buy him a random present, or suprise visit. I have to visit them and Im the one without a car, or he would never see them.

My mil however thankfully is the opposite. She visits every week, buys him a kids magazine, or fruit.

Its amazing how different my lo is with my mum, his distant and is okay. With my mil his all over her, wants to play, read and talk.

At the end of the day you cant force your parents to change and they will regret it.

This does seem rejecting behaviour so I'm not surprised it's upsetting. What were your parents like with you as a child?

She was fine really as a child, not overly affectionate and strict, but so were most parents in the 70s !I think she feels now she's older she can say what she likes, you know the way some old people are really rude but it's their right ?!
The last time I invited them over was May Half term and she said they were " booked up " with garden centre visits and my Dads squash games ?!!!!She then said perhaps we'll leave it and just meet up with you once they are back at school ?!!!
I know it's their loss. The strange thing is she doesn't like it when my DCspend time with other adults.She asks a lot how often they see my PIL and if I say oh, they have parties etc so won't be seeing them this week ..she is pleased at that.One of our neighbours who has them over quite often to swim in their pool or play with their cats etc saw my Mum at her church and said how lovely they were and talked about some things that were going on in our life and which of course she had no idea and she was really miffed...saying horrid things about this lady , who actually I'm quite close too, and when I'm really upset think at least she is like a mum to me.
It's sports day today and all the grandparents will be there cheering on their grandchildren.( apart from mine ) My PIL live just too far to pop down, but they see the children every weekend ( they come down and we go out for lunch or my DH takes them up if I'm working weekends.We also go on holiday with them , which again strangely, is a bone of contention.

OP - your mum is horrible and twisting.

Don't put your children around her or she will do that to them. I have personal experience of this :(

Think about how you'd feel if a friend of yours was going through this, what would your words to her be?

Be civil to your mum, but that's it. If she's not keen to be around your family then she isn't worth the hassle.

OP the more I have read this thread, the more I think that though it is really upsetting for you, it is probably quite lucky that you don't see more of her. She is toxic and strange.

She sounds jealous of the people you have friendships with and I wonder if she is a bit jealous of you too.

Op my Dad has seen my daughter twice since she was born (now 11 months) and has refused to come to her first birthday party. It was not unexpected but I agree with you, it does hurt. i've simply cut him out my life, I can't be doing with it. but then I have my mum and my PILs who would do anything for me, DP or DD so I don't feel the loss. Having this from your own mother must be heartbreaking and I really feel for you.

One option would be to have a chat with her to try to "clear the air". You could tell her that you had expected she would want to see a lot of her grandchildren and yet the reality is that she sees them twice a year and seems to make excuses not to see them any more than this.

Ask her how she sees things, it might be interesting.

I think it is natural to expect that your parents would want to spend time with their grandchildren, but sadly not all grandparents do want to, and there's no making them. My in laws sre bit like this but not as bad. Accordingly I feel under no obligation to do them favours particularly as I otherwise would. Once I realised this I felt a bit better about it.

I also think some grandparents like the idea of having grandchildren for show, but don't actually like the reality. My MIL is also jealous of other non-family adults taking a shine to my children, we made friends with an older gentleman and he bought them a little present, and she was really nasty about it, presumably it threatened her granny identity!!! But, actually being with them is hard work, and when she comes to visit, she has a cup of tea and chats to the adults.

OP I really feel for you, that sounds awful for you in particular - I know I still like approval from my parents and it must be like they are trying to withold that approval somehow, leaving you wondering where you went wrong.
I really think you should ask her (in front of your DP so he can listen when its a bit emotional for you). Just ask her outright - "dont you like spending time with you dgc?" I suspect she will be very defensive (she knows its not socially aceptible, hence the jealousy etc) but Id listen carefully to that answer. If shes evasive, keep pushing her to answer until you hear the reason youre not seeing them.
I really think that speaking to her about it will cathartic for you, and youll be able to put it behind you better.
if it helps you could say " the dc were asking why they rarely see you, i didnt know to answer as I realised that I dont know why either?"
Good Luck

"When you have children though, it's quite powerful, because you start having flashbacks and questioning your childhood."

Yup. I had exactly the same thing. I struggled with it, I challenged them, I spent years trying to get them to change, to take an interest, to come and spend time with the children.

I've now accepted that the only thing you can change is yourself and your own reaction to things. I've had to basically distance us all, move away and try to accept the fact that they will never treat me like my siblings or be bothered about my children. But it's hard, and sad, and I found counselling helped me a lot. Might be worth looking into. Good luck, sounds odd but can be a real blessing, this insight - into how you were parented, and how it's affected you, and how you intend to treat your children.

I completely understand OP's and DBF's pov as they are both as valid as each other, please don't slate DBF.

My mum is exactly the same OP. I have been extremely hurt over the years, my mum doesn't even want to be around her grandchildren over christmas as my parents make a point of taking a cruise then.

My mum's pov is the same as DBF, spent the best years of her life bringing us up, she was not naturally maternal, had us 3 in quick succession 'to get it over with', was also a teacher who cut her career very short because she couldn't deal with some shocking pupil behaviour.

My mum was an only child and couldn't deal with sibling behaviour at all, so once we got to the squabbling stage, she couldn't cope. She was, like huge no.s of women in the 70's , on Valium.

So once she got us off her hands she wanted to enjoy her life, which does not involve children, and all their messiness, squabbles, bad manners, noise and mucky bits.

I used to cry about it when I had mine as she had zero interest. Once we stayed with them and when my 2 yo started to cry I had to rush her out to the car so she could do it there. My other toddler forgot to put the toothpaste lid back on my dad had such a fit about it he told us we'd have to leave.

My dad went through National Service and cannot abide children who have runny noses, leave a mess, are naughty or answer back either so being around them was always like treading on eggshells.

My friends have 2 sets of grandparents nearby who are always on hand so that they could go back to work, have holidays and nights out.

Despite this, I dearly love my parents and bend over backwards for them so that my dc do get to see them. Unfortunately, even now they cannot see my dc without criticising them or reducing them to tears so I try to be around as a form of damage limitation.

These are the only GPs my dc have so we try and make the best of what we have. Luckily, we have excellent friends so dc do have lots of good experiences with other adults.

When I first read I was thinking that when they say "it´s ok we´ll see you at XXX", they were hoping that you would say "oh no, let´s meet up before that".

I wonder also if because you live so close that they have also got a bit of the "well we can see them anytime" attitude.

But they really don´t seem interested.

If you can bear to, I think I would just back away.

What´s the point in forcing them to be interested-and the children won´t benefit from it either.