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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No confidence to go out without husband

28 replies

flower24 · 09/07/2011 13:36

Just a little moan, sorry.
Since iv had my daughter 7.5mo my husband and i cant go out together as one of us has to stay at home with her. Cant be left for long with babysitter as she wakes often at night and is difficult to settle.
So, every weekend we have the discussion of whose going out/ whose staying in, what's going on... and what always happens is that i say you go out, have fun il stay in. The thing is i haven't got the confidence to go on my own but husband has. plus most things involve going out with people who are getting drunk and doing things that really require you to be drunk to enjoy- night clubs, parties etc. and i just don't want to drink now iv got dd. So anyway, i really want him to go but then end up all upset that Im spending another night in on my own while it seems everyone else is off having fun.

Im 25 and the first of my friends to have a baby so people don't do the sorts of things that i could join in with and im too shy to arrange things myself. just seem to spend every weekend crying about this and i hate that as iv got a lovely life and amazing daughter and i love my husband.

sound pretty pathetic I know, sorry for long post.

What to do?

OP posts:

HeidiKat · 09/07/2011 13:41

Have you tried joining some local mother and baby/toddler groups, it might help if you were to make a few new friends who have young children as well, then you could get together for playdates and have a cuppa and gossip while the children play.

I understand how hard it is to leave your DD sometimes and go for a night out, I have a 7 month old DD too, but maybe you should try leaving her with your DH for a night and go out with your friends, she is his responsibility too and unless you are BFing and she won't take a bottle of expressed she won't come to any harm from you not being around for a few hours, it will be difficult the first couple of times but the more you do it the more it will feel good to get a break and enjoy yourself.

iwasyoungonce · 09/07/2011 13:42

It doesn't sound pathetic. I think it's quite a normal scenario.

Haven't you got any friends that would have a meal/ see a film with you? I can see why you don't want to get drunk, but it is good to get out.

How about DH stays in with you and you get a DVD?

I know what you mean about wanting yur DH to go out and have fun - (because you want him to still enjoy himself etc.) - but you'll get resentful if he does it every weekend.

In a few months time you can get a babysitter and go out together.

It is never the same again though (sorry). Because you can't help worrying about the dc, and can't get back too late because of the babysitter, or get too drunk etc.

Takes some adjusting!

squeakytoy · 09/07/2011 13:43

You need to have more faith in a babysitter for a start, or you will end up never leaving the house.

She CAN be left, she WILL settle.

You can then both go out together as a couple. Relationships often fail because of these reasons, and it happens very easily. Resentment builds up on both sides.

You are both young, and its normal to go out, still have fun, without getting totally hammered. I have plenty of friends your age with children and they dont stay in all the time.

suzikettles · 09/07/2011 13:49

What about going to the pictures with a mate? Is there no-one who would go to see something with you?

Even your mum or MIL.

Asking people if they fancy going for something to eat is a good compromise if you don't want to be surrounded by people getting hammered. Gives you a couple of hours catch up with your friends and then they can go on somewhere afterwards if they like.

buzzsore · 09/07/2011 13:51

I think you have to change this routine as you are isolating yourself and it'll just feel harder and harder to break out of. Ask a friend to go to the cinema or see a show with you.

nickschick · 09/07/2011 13:52

Its that time of life when you need to make friends to fit in with your life-that doesnt mean not bothering with old friends it means making friends with people like yourself- people who can you spend time with in the daytime and evening doing 'mum' things.....I dont go out drinking anymore but I have quite a social life in the evenings with other mums.

oohjarWhatsit · 09/07/2011 13:57

so what if the baby wakes up for the babysitter? I am sure they could cope for a couple of hours, even if the baby was screeching its head off

other than that, have a nice meal in with the husband, get a takeaway and a dvd or whatever

zandy · 09/07/2011 14:01

Another option is to ask friends round to you. You could order in pizza or something and watch a film, enjoy some wine.

RedHotPokers · 09/07/2011 14:03

I think you just need to be a bit more organised. Although I was older than you when I had my DD, none of my friends locally had DCs and were still out partying every weekend. I am not a great one for leaving my DCs with babysitters (apart from family and close friends) - silly, I know!. I ended up doing the following:

Invited single/child-free friends over on nights when they weren't partying and fancied a chill - for example Thursday night in with the girls with pizza and a film (DH upstairs on DC duty!).

Made friends with some local mums through mother and baby groups - found a local restaurant which meant that even when DCs were very tiny we could squeeze in a 3 hour 'night' out (bf at 7ish and then back for 10/11pm feed!).

Got cheeky, and whenever my parents come to visit we ask them to babysit so DH and I can go out.

DH and I still don't go out together very often (a handful of times a year) which isn't ideal. However, we both get a good number of nights out, and even weekends away.

Original poster

flower24 · 09/07/2011 14:21

Thanks everyone, xxx
Baby is breastfed and wont take a bottle so if i do leave her i have to be back quite soon. I have lots of mum friends who we see in the day throughout the week but as there quite new friends and everyone's husbands are home at weekends we don't do evening socialising. Its just the whole Friday/Saturday night thing that gets to me. I suppose iv lost that closeness with my pre-baby friends since having her and so don't feel i can ask someone to the cinema or for a meal- plus i just feel nervous if husband isn't coming. before we had dd we did everything together and always came as a two-some. he would organise things, encourage me and bring me out of my shell i suppose. we only really have one babysitter and so the opportunity to do something together doesn't come very often anyway.

Don't know why im like this- i do all sorts in the day and people say how confident i am- think its when iv got the baby with me attention is distracted from me and i can relax. its just in certain situations I crumble.

...end of counselling session...

xxx

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 09/07/2011 14:34

She's 7.5 months, so in around 2-3 months she'll be able to go longer between feeds and you'll probably feel better about leaving her. DS would never settle without me in the evenings either, so what I used to do when I was going out is let him have a longer than usual nap in the day, and then say to the babysitter that I didn't mind what time he went to bed, even if he was still up when I got back. And then made sure I was back by 10 or 11 at the latest, in case he needed a feed to sleep. As he's got older he's much less reliant on the breast, although I still feed him to sleep pretty much every night, since he's been about 2 he's been happy to go to sleep without it if I'm not there, so more often than not he goes to sleep for the babysitter at 7 or 8 which is his normal bedtime, and I can come back as late as the babysitter is happy to have him!

As for arranging things in the evening, it's just one of those things - everyone else is probably feeling the same way, that they don't want to invite you to things in case you don't want to go, and they feel embarrassed or scared. You just have to bite the bullet and do it! Something which I found helps is to keep an eye on sites like Groupon and when a voucher comes up for a meal or something else you'd like to do locally, buy it on an impulse, before you can talk yourself out of it. Then you'll have a paid-for voucher for a meal for two or something, and you'll want to use it then, to save wasting it. So when you do that thing on facebook (I know you do this, I do it all the time ) "Oh it's been ages! We really must meet up soon xxx" and then neither of you says anything, you'll be able to say "Well actually, I have a voucher for X restaurant if you fancy it some time?"

But yes, I know what you mean about having new friends since having DC, it's taken me over a year and a half to feel like my "mummy" friends are true friends, if that makes sense. And these were people I didn't meet until DS was 15 months or so so he's now closer to 3 than 2, it can take time, but you'll get there :)

dingdongmrs · 09/07/2011 14:38

Hi Flower24

Do you have any friends that would come to yours and watch a film or tv with you while your hubby goes out?

I am the same as you, since having my children i dont like going out on my own, i feel uncomfortable and a little vulnerable.

If i lived near you i would happily come round and keep you company, in fact i have done this for many of my friends before, you dont have to go out to have fun, you can have just as much fun at home with a good friend to enjoy it with x

buzzsore · 09/07/2011 14:42

I can understand - I used to do this myself, use the baby as a social shield . It's ok to be shy and to feel you want your dh with you to socialise - he was your social shield until you had the baby, wasn't he? There's nothing wrong in that up until the point that it stops you doing what you'd like to do and you're unhappy. That you're crying over it regularly means you need to address your social anxiety and take some risks. Only you can change your situation, unfortunately. It's not easy, I know.

Original poster

flower24 · 09/07/2011 14:45

Ahhh, relief to know its not just me. think iv spent too much time feeling sorry for myself and thers too many excuses. suppose a lot of people don't feel full of confidence but i need to break the habbit of taking the 'easier' option of just staying in with baby. Coz in the long run its not easier- it makes me feel lonely. Know il get there- maybe quicker thanks to your suggestions- im a bit obsessed with Groupon actually but always talk myself out of actually buying those tickets/meals.
Must bite the bullet...but maybe not today... il do it tomorrow...honest

OP posts:

buzzsore · 09/07/2011 14:51

You and me both . Own worst enemy.

RidinOnAPig · 09/07/2011 14:53

I know exactly how you feel. I was just the same. I got so used to doing everything with my EXP so going out on my own felt weird.

I promise you though after the first few times you'll get used to it and will start enjoying evenings out. It definitely is easier now DD is over a year and although breastfed goes the night without. This means when I leave her I don't have to worry about her needing me.

It just sounds like you're not ready. People have this expectation that a few months after having a baby you'll be going out as normal, but for a lot of people it's not the case. I used to almost have anxiety attacks at the beginning of the night because I was so worried about DD and generally uncomfortable. Then gradually I got used to leaving her and felt more comfortable in going out and being myself. No partner, no DD, just me with friends.

You will get there, just don't worry about it until you are.

wicketkeeper · 09/07/2011 17:19

A little bit of lateral thinking is needed here - why not go out with DH and DD? You don't have to go to a night club/get drunk to have fun. You say your daughter doesn't settle well - so instead, go out for a meal/quiet drink in a family friendly pub all together. You can be home by 10 and still feel like you've had a night out.

Another idea - stay in!! Both of you. My DH and I call them sofa dates - it's amazing how much fun you can have with a good film, a pizza and a bottle of wine. We still do it, and our kids are all grown up!!

skybluepearl · 09/07/2011 19:21

have you made any mummy/baby friends? can you get yourself out and about and maybe organise a more different type of evening with new baby friends or old mates - cinema? one or two glasses of wine somewhere nice with a meal etc? Or invite one or two friends round for a quiet night while hubby is out. Or go out midweek when people are less likely to get plastered. can you tell a close friend how you feel?

Original poster

flower24 · 09/07/2011 22:41

all great suggestions...but they all make me feel nervous/uncomfortable at mo. Friends wanted to cum round to see me tonight (tipped off by dh)but made an excuse, im just not that close to them n couldnt face it without dh :-( he got cross then saying i wasnt helping myself and couldnt understand it. Now feel bad for ruining the day arguing and being sad :-(

Although on the plus side- ur msgs have shown me how kind ppl are, much thanks x

OP posts:

didldidi · 09/07/2011 22:52

your husband is right.

Original poster

flower24 · 09/07/2011 22:56

i know.im an idiot.

OP posts:

suzikettles · 09/07/2011 22:56

Lots of social situations make me nervous, but I'd practically never do anything involving other people if I only went places/saw people where I was 100% comfortable in advance.

It's a cliche, but feel the fear and do it anyway.

Seriously, it's never as bad as it feels in advance. You will almost certainly have a good time but the more you avoid doing things like this the harder it will get.

suzikettles · 09/07/2011 22:59

And calling yourself an idiot doesn't help either. You are not an idiot.

Your life has changed and you haven't got used to some of these changes. This is normal. But crying all weekend and arguing with your dh over it is not normal (or healthy). Can you rearrange seeing your friends for next Saturday and make a resolution to go through with it - even just for an hour?

Are you having these problems in any other areas of your life? If so, it might be worth having a word with your GP.

Mare11bp · 09/07/2011 23:02

Have you thought some of your mummy friends may be feeling just like you and would welcome an invite at the weekend? It's hard being the first to suggest it bit maybe you have a mutual interest eg a DVD you all want to see or a tv programme that you all lIke on a Saturday eve, that could be the ice breaker.

Cathycat · 09/07/2011 23:19

Since having dc's we stopped the Fri / Sat thing and stay in Sat, with bottle of wine and take away. It's lovely. We go out about 4 times a year, special occasions, or do Sunday pub meals occasionally with dc's.

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