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AIBU?

to be p'd off at being told I'm selfish for not having kids?

62 replies

Anna1976 · 08/07/2011 07:51

I commented to MIL that after working nights all week, with the flu, that I was looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. It produced the usual "your sister/ sister in law never get lie-ins, they work hard and don't get paid your salary, but the world only respects people with money, not the ones who do all the work".

This is symptomatic of my family's attitude. According to all the mothers in the family, they are all martyrs who are not appreciated for working themselves to the bone. Anyone who has not had children is not a real person, and deeply selfish.

If they feel like that, why did they have the kids in the first place?
I did ask my mother that once, but she took it as evidence of my deep-seated selfishness and insolence.

Yes I get it Mum, sister, SIL, MIL etc... you love your kids and you work hard for them because that's what being a parent is about, but why do you have to hate people who haven't made that life choice?

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Morloth · 08/07/2011 08:23

I have two kids and sneak in a nap most days. Now that is selfish.

BlooferLady · 08/07/2011 08:24

Pah. I HATE it when people say it's selfish not to have children. Both not having children and having children are the satisfaction of desires. People want kids, they have 'em (if they are lucky). People don't, so they don't. 'Tis a lifestyle choice (obviously some, including possibly me, don't have a choice in the matter).

I confess to prickling somewhat when people with school age children who do not work imply I am less busy then them, when they have (for instance) long lunches and professional manicures and I have gone through stages of being so frantic I have worn the same pair of pants 3 days in a row (what? WHAT?! It was that or nothing!).

Finally however, if you have flu, you can't stand up or turn over in bed, never mind work...

tryingtoleave · 08/07/2011 08:27

Surely there are degrees of flu?

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 08:27

Why are you on mumsnet if you dont have kids genuine question?

ZillionChocolate · 08/07/2011 08:27

Your MIL sounds horrid. Maybe tell her you have chosen not to have children because she's made you realise how terribly difficult it all is and you wouldn't be able to dedicate nearly enough time to them.

Cartoonjane · 08/07/2011 08:29

We are all selfish. People have kids for their own reasons- which are about them and their desires. Taking a big picture view it's less selfish to have no kids as it's better for the future of the planet. In fact the least selfish thing would be if we in the west all had no children or one child.

It's true that once you do have kids on an immediate level one has to live a less selfish life. But most parents would agree that the rewards ( selfish) are huge and that overall it's a fulfilling (selfish) experience.

I feel sorry for your in- laws. They must have some unresolved issues to make these selfish comments to you.

Hullygully · 08/07/2011 08:30

Pore ol Anna. FFs everyone's allowed to feel ill and want a bit of sympathy now and then whether they have kids or not.

Next time they bang on about their ruined martyred lives, tell them how lucky they are compared to the 85 million billion starving diseased war damaged people all over the world watching their childrne die in their arms as they walk 500 duty miles to a tent city with no food or medicine.

It's all relative.

BlooferLady · 08/07/2011 08:33

Oi! What's with this 'Don't have kids? well piss off then' motif?! Fortunately for everyone the contributors to MN have a lot more to offer than how to wash wee out of bedsheets or where to buy school shoes!

Also, what Hully said.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 08/07/2011 08:34

Oh just tell them they shoud've used a condom then.

They're being very rude to you afterall.

That or tell them you're infertile and cry a bit - make them feel guilty. I probably am infertile and get this same treatment from my family. They don't know we've been TTC for 18 months. Grr.

sweetness86 · 08/07/2011 08:38

I do think your MIL sounds like a cow I dont know why people cant mind their own in regards to why people have/haven't had kids.
Tell her to butt out I think its quite brave as a woman to not have children as there is a peer pressure there to have children so not having any is going against the grain and people don't understand that.

You made your choice they should accept that!

ifancyashandy · 08/07/2011 10:27

People without kids are here as (mostly) it's a place to chat and exchange (mostly) hilarious opinions with (mostly) intelligent men and women.

motherinferior · 08/07/2011 10:30

People with kids can be incredibly self-righteous, combining their martyred 'oh you don't know what it's like to be tired' stance with 'oh you do not know the meaning of the word happiness'. I suggest you tell them about your wild nights out shagging and drinking, beaming sweetly at them. They will feel madly jealous but unable to express this.

oohjarWhatsit · 08/07/2011 10:39

loads of people still have lie ins/dont give a toss about what their kids are up to/never put their kids first - doesnt automatically make them better or nicer people just because they have kids.

twooter · 08/07/2011 10:41

I sympathise op. When my sister had children, I suddenly became a non- person to my parents as all they could see/ talk about were their grandkids. i' sure it wasn't intentional, but it was hurtful.

suzikettles · 08/07/2011 10:41

YANBU

Actually, it's not harder for everyone who has children. I've just got the one (waits for the chorus of "ooh you don't know you're booooooorn" and it's not that different to pre-dc.

Skinter [check], involving more lego [check], less sleep [check], more pointless worrying at 2am about the future [check], but not noticeably harder than my child-free friends.

And anyway, I have ds who is amazing and I think it would be pretty damn churlish to moan about my life to someone who didn't have that - even if they didn't want it.

We've all got it easier than someone.

yellabelly · 08/07/2011 10:46

anna....do your own thing.

Morloth · 08/07/2011 10:54

suzikettles 'and it's not that different to pre-dc.'

Shhhhhhh you are not allowed to say that!

I sometimes make shit up when hanging out with other Mums just to seem a bit more put upon than I really am...

Compared to my previous working life, this stuff is a piece of piss.

oohjarWhatsit · 08/07/2011 10:57

Compared to my previous working life, this stuff is a piece of piss.

exactly

HSMM · 08/07/2011 11:02

My DH and I spent the first 10 yrs of our marriage being selfish, not having children, earning lots of money, going on holiday whenever and wherever we wanted, having lie ins etc.

Now we're being selfish having only one DD, not letting her have siblings, etc.

We all make decisions which are best for ourselves (until the children are born), so we are all selfish to a certain extent.

My siblings and parents have always supported my decisions. I work from home now and my life is not easier, or harder, it's just different.

BlueFergie · 08/07/2011 11:02

God I hate the elitist attitude some people have on MN that it is just for mums or parents. Nobody should have to justlfy being on MN if they want to be its a free f**king country.
Parents have experiences and opinions to offer not directly linked to children which some childless peole might enjoy sharing. Mumsnet is full of interesting intelligent people with different insights. Should you only be able to avail of this resource if you have produced ofspring. Some childless people may want some insight into conception/ preganancy/ relationships or kids in general.
As far as I am concerned they are as welcome on here as a person with a houseful of kids.

Anna - I would find your MIL comments annoying too. You do not owe your sister/ SIL free babysititng just because you are childfree.

PenguinPatter · 08/07/2011 11:04

If you every do have DC - you'll just get another set or even the same set of people telling you your are selfish for having them or wanting to have time away from them , or because you brought yourself something and not the DC something they do not need, or not letting them have the DCs when it inconvenient to you, or not being able to drop everything to do something for them because you have the DC, or because you become a WOM and leave the DC or because you become a SAHP and are not earning ect.

You need to find an appropriate response so their comment get to you less.

aliceliddell · 08/07/2011 11:10

Had all that pre dd - particularly annoying. Was and still am more than happy to support in any way people with lots of kids, they will grow up and we'll depend on them in a few years

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BumWiper · 08/07/2011 11:18

I think you are selfish and irresponsible to go spreading germs around A&E.People could die from catching your illness.
With regard to flu,I caught swine flu last year,and no word of a lie I was sofa bound for at least a week and it took months to fully recover from.

MorticiaAddams · 08/07/2011 11:28

I'm mostly pretty sympathetic towards you but having had flu, you would have struggled to get out of bed let alone work, you had a cold. Colds still make you feel ill and you are entitled to want a lie in at the weekend.

I always think it's more selfish to have children. You don't exactly bring them into the world because you know they're going to have to a wonderful, happy life, you do it because you want a child.

IronOrchid · 08/07/2011 11:29

Going into A&E with flu?

Having kids is fulfilling the urge to pass on genetic material, so that's no less selfish than someone who doesn't want kids because they'll take away their freedom.

YANBU.

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