maternity prostitute - continued

[curlychips]

Hi everyone

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who offered advice on my previous thread ('H thinks I'm a lazy, gold-digging prostitute for wanting a year's maternity leave'); I asked MN to remove the thread because I revealed a large amount of personal information and became worried someone from RL would identify me. Apologies if I didn't reply to later posts - I think MN removed the thread before I read them.

So, since then, I have been feeling extremely wobbly as the overwhelming view (ok, unanimous) was that H is a twat.

Based on a recommendation from kenobi, I have just emailed a counsellor - I'm hoping she can help me with the massive anxiety of walking away from a marriage and from TTC with IVF in a few months. I thought my life had a plan and now it seems like everything might be up in the air.

I need to know whether this is my only chance to conceive - I know it will be grim having a baby with H, but surely better than having no baby at all, ever. If the endo gets into my womb, I am well and truly screwed.

I don't even know whether I actually want a baby now or not. I did, but now I associate it with fear and anxiety - H has made me feel like having a baby ruins your life, plunges you into poverty, traps you at home forever (although I actually like being at home), ruins your body etc. I don't care if I stop being a size 8, but he is waving around the implicit threat that he won't want to have sex with me any more if I am over a size 8. Charming.

Also the thought of meeting new men makes my chest hurt. I am only 27 so should get a grip, but I find the whole prospect extremely daunting!

So, how do I cope with this? Also, does having a baby really ruin your life?!

Big fat alarm bells should be going off in your head as all the posters on here and the other thread have told you NOT to have a baby with this man, and to leave him.'Not to put your hands over your ears and pretend it's not happening.

Look at it this way,the sooner you leave him the quicker you can get your life together, find a nice, decent respectful partner and start making baby plans. The linger your with H this ident going to happen

Can I refer you to this thread as an example of what your life can end up like when the father of your child turns out to be a dick? Read this thread very carefully, and you will see how naive you are indeed being.

Curly, read the posts of BertieBotts at Fri 08-Jul-11 01:21:58 and Bubandbump at Fri 08-Jul-11 04:12:25.

It is not about having a baby, it should be about being the best mother you can be for your child(ren). That starts with finding a good father for your DC. Your responsibility towards your DC starts here and now.
This man is not a good father, because he is only interested in his own needs and wants.

I have endo, had an mc, went back on the pill for a while to give my body the much needed rest and recuparation(sp?) time. All this time, DH supported me where he could (in sickness and in health, for better and for worse...). After that, DH and I were physically and mentally ready for our baby. You see, we are in this together.

CC

I'm impressed how open you've been to the advice here. I'm sure many women would have just left mumsnet in disgust, and headed back into a fog of denial, or become defensive. You've been trying to listen, even though these posts must be incredibly hard to read.

Curly, how are you doing???? I hope you are okay. I know everyones shouting at you, but we care and sometimes it's difficult for people who are close to you to perhaps say the things that we have said for fear of losing you to this man.

Glad you came back curly btw and posted again. Everyone's shouting at you, but we are trying to help, honest! Do keep posting, there is great support here.

It sounds like he is an absolute C-unit....

Firstly, a year off work maternity leave is not a holiday! I'm in my 7 th month and it is far tougher than my work as a professional in the City! I'm shattered by 5pm and I used to work all nighters! For your H to disrespect your choice is awful. Yes money is important and children can be very expensive but there are lots of options to save money here and there too.

Having a baby doesn't necessarily mean your body will change forever, but again his lack of support makes me sick.

It sounds like the relationship is already troubled, having a baby will bring a looooooot of new challenges and strains, you need to be a really strong team together to get through it. Obviously you could be a single mum, I have immense respect for single parents because I find it so tough when H is away for a week or so on business, but you would never be free of H in your life then.

I do think before you have a baby, the yearning to do so is more primal though. You're not really thinking about being a mother, in fact I don't really think the enormity of that hits you properly until post-birth. But hopefully Curly some of these posts will have helped you to think in that way x

I haven't read all the thread but IMO having a baby with a wonderful and loving man is the best thing you can do - having a baby without that kind of man must be extremely lonely and not the lovely experience it should be.

I'm not a size 8 (wasn't before dd1) but within a year my body was back to size (infact 2lbs smaller) but I do have stretchmarks. dh says they are beautiful because it was from being pg with our dd. So yes your body changes but for me I know am less obsessed with my weight (still a bit and want to look good) and think my body is pretty damn amazing to have created such a wonderful dd.

As for a year's mat leave - I don't think I gave dh a choice, I just told him it's what I wanted for dd and my sake. Dh admits he's a bit jealous but was more than happy for me to dedicate the time to dd and acknowledges that my career has been severely affected but that is partially a choice I've made to put our family first.

If you're having IVF does he really want a baby at all or is he putting up defenses incase the IVF fails?

just step away from the nasty man, that has to be your priority

Bubandbump, sorry to interfere, but how do you know your baby has reflux? Did your GP do any tests to confirm? Coz if they didn't, one very common thing babies develop at around 3-6 weeks old is colic caused by a shortage of lactase enzyme which breaks down the lactose sugar in milk. I'm really dumbstruck how GPs here in the UK seem to be totally unaware of this. This is the no.1 most common problem in babies all over the world. They'll tell you it usually goes away by itself by 3-4 months. Yes it does, and you know why? Because by that stage the baby's gut matures enough to begin producing enough lactaze. But in some children the problem persists. My couz was a complete nightmare, crying at every feed, until my aunt gave up breastfeeding him at 15 months. Ds had it and I only discovered when he'd been like that for 6 or 8 weeks, after much nagging from my mum who's a paediatrician (she's overseas). When I started giving him lactase drops life just got so much better.

The most common lactaze enzyme product is called Colief, most larger pharmacy branches will have it (even my little local Lloyds does). It's a bit pricey (£10-13 a bottle) but there's a lot of people selling unopened left-over bottles on eBay. You could buy one bottle in a pharmacy, see if it works (if it is lactose intolerance your baby's suffering from, you should notice some improvement within days, possibly just after 2-3 feeds). That'll give you the time to get some more on eBay.

Colief is oerfectly safe even for newborns, all it contains is the enzyme, water and glycerol which naturally occurs in the human body.

There's also this product www.foodreactions.org/products/li.html which is absolutely the same thing but only half as expensive as Colief.

The same website has a good article on how lactase enzyme works and why the shortage of it causes colic. I know it's from a seller's website but the article is really good. www.foodreactions.org/colic/index.html#lactase

Obviously there are other reasons for relentless crying in babies, but trust me I know from good sources lactose intolerance really is the most common one.

Good luck!

You have had so much great advice here. I can only comment on your question about a baby ruining your life. If you are so attached to your life as it is that a baby will ruin that for you, then I suppose a baby could ruin your life. I found having a baby unimaginable - nothing anyone said or could have said would have prepared me for DD. Having a baby is one of the very few things in life that is completely irreversible. If you marry, you can divorce; if you take a job you don't like, you can find another; but once you are pregnant and committed to having a baby there is no turning back or giving it back for a refund. I found that a massive shock to the system, even though I wanted DD very much. Before I had DD, I envied parents when their child's face lit up as they came into the room and it is every bit as good as I imagined. I get immense pleasure from the way DD holds out her arms to be taken by DH and how comfortable he is with her. I have never seen him as happy as the first time he took her swimming - a childlike pleasure in her, with no cynicism or doubt, that I don't think anything other than his child could give him. I love that we are now a unit. So I think that if you are not ready to be subsumed into being a family, not a couple, a parent every moment of every day, then perhaps you would have your life ruined and I can see your DH might use this as another stick to beat you with. Good luck.

Op, sorry to hijack your thread! Whatsmynameagain, thanks! We actually just started on colief yesterday and saw a massive improvement (5 hours sleep last night!) but she still had a bit of reflux so we started her on the gaviscon again as well today and (fingers crossed) we have a happy, sleepy baby today!

Thanks so much for posting though - all advice is appreciated. I am still waiting for her instruction manual to be delivered so can figure her out!

For those on this thread being quite punchy and sweary with the OP, you may not have read the previous thread and not realised that (without giving personal detail away) the OP's DH is much older than her, they have been together since she was young and he was in a position of power when they met. Not a great start in terms of control, eh?

To add to it, her father was cut from the same cloth and lastly she has only just started posting about her situ.

To have expected her to have taken everyone's advice and have immediately moved out, or to call her naive because she hasn't considered the full ramifications of her situation, is frankly ludicrous.

Hell, was 33 when I got pg and I didn't consider the full ramifications of having a baby...

And no, Curly, it doesn't ruin your life. I (we) still have friends and holidays and a job I love. It's just all very different. And as a PP pointed out, your social life moves from evenings to weekends and revolves around small people. I was 30 when I met my DH (3 years older than you), and had spent the year before that merrily dating plenty of single, lovely men (despite everyone's doom-laden pronunciations about there being NO men in Britain). You can, and will find someone better.

THEN think about kids. One step at a time!

I really hope you have taken all thus advice on board op

Bubandbump sorry, manual to what? Colief? It's very simple, give her up to 4 drops at each feed (I got away with 2-3). Disregard all it says about expressing your milk first and mixing Colief into it, very fiddly and not every young baby will be happy with a spoon/syringe/pipette stuck in their mouth when they smell the boobie. I just waited till he latches on, swallows once or twice, then I'd carefully put a drop on my breast, right next to the corner of his mouth, then another one, then another one. It would trickle into his mouth and get mixed with milk. He'd often let go after a few gulps anyway as I used to fountain with milk so it was easy giving him drops at that very moment. Don't give her the drops before you start feeding tho, they do need to be mixed with milk. Good luck

Hi Curly,

are you ok? You don't have to report back to us in any way, at the end of the day it's your life and it's none of our business to hold you to account.

Just please say if you're ok or not.

Have been lurking, but just wanted to wish you all the courage you need to get out of this terribly unhappy situation.