Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

maternity prostitute - continued

118 replies

curlychips · 07/07/2011 16:56

Hi everyone

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who offered advice on my previous thread ('H thinks I'm a lazy, gold-digging prostitute for wanting a year's maternity leave'); I asked MN to remove the thread because I revealed a large amount of personal information and became worried someone from RL would identify me. Apologies if I didn't reply to later posts - I think MN removed the thread before I read them.

So, since then, I have been feeling extremely wobbly as the overwhelming view (ok, unanimous) was that H is a twat.

Based on a recommendation from kenobi, I have just emailed a counsellor - I'm hoping she can help me with the massive anxiety of walking away from a marriage and from TTC with IVF in a few months. I thought my life had a plan and now it seems like everything might be up in the air.

I need to know whether this is my only chance to conceive - I know it will be grim having a baby with H, but surely better than having no baby at all, ever. If the endo gets into my womb, I am well and truly screwed.

I don't even know whether I actually want a baby now or not. I did, but now I associate it with fear and anxiety - H has made me feel like having a baby ruins your life, plunges you into poverty, traps you at home forever (although I actually like being at home), ruins your body etc. I don't care if I stop being a size 8, but he is waving around the implicit threat that he won't want to have sex with me any more if I am over a size 8. Charming.

Also the thought of meeting new men makes my chest hurt. I am only 27 so should get a grip, but I find the whole prospect extremely daunting!

So, how do I cope with this? Also, does having a baby really ruin your life?!

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 07/07/2011 18:40

curly followed other thread but didn't post, much wiser people than me did. Please don't have a baby with this man. I have 3 (not saying this to make you feel shit), I love them so much, I didn't think I could have any. I have a fantastic husband, we have been together for 20 years (again not trying to make you feel worse!!) My point is babies are exceptionally hard work even when they are asleep. They are a strain on even the best relationship. Imagine you had a child then split up, he would still have rights over the child, he would see them, could you trust he wouldn't "bad mouth" you, would he judge them on their weight, friends, academical achievements.

If you have a baby with him, then leave, its not like he won't exist, and harsh as it sounds you will have introduced a harsh, bullying, abusive man into your much longed for childs life.

vegetariandumpling · 07/07/2011 18:43

I need to know whether this is my only chance to conceive - I know it will be grim having a baby with H, but surely better than having no baby at all, ever. If the endo gets into my womb, I am well and truly screwed.

I think it might be a good idea if you could see a doctor and ask about the possibility of you getting pregnant in the future. I know they can't say for certain, but you may feel differently if the doctor says 'it really is now or never' or 'you might still have some time', and i think that would really help you make your decision.

TheBigJessie · 07/07/2011 18:47

Leaving aside the issue of whether he's an abusive bastard (I personally think that he is), your relationship still doesn't seem to have a future.

You met him, after the breakdown of his previous marriage (in which he had two children, did you say?), and built a life based around work, financial gain, and fun holidays, as far as I can see. There's nothing wrong with wanting any of that, but now you want to settle down and raise a family. And he doesn't. He's been there, done that, and he sounds pretty outraged that you've changed.

You've done nothing wrong by changing; that's called life. It's what people do. When I was 15, I liked to make bad mix-tapes; five years later, I liked [blah, blah], etc.

You can't even deceive yourself into thinking that he will change his mind, and come to share your opinions on things like maternity leave, once he becomes a parent, because he already is a parent...

Longtalljosie · 07/07/2011 18:50

Talk to me about the endo - is it the case that if you go back on the pill it will be halted until you come back off?

Glad you're back.

pointythings · 07/07/2011 19:01

Hi Curly, good to have you back.

Having a baby does not ruin your life. I've had 2, my DH is a lovely supportive man who has tackled the most horrendous of nappies fearlessly and watched his DDs learn the fine art of self-feeding (think mashed spuds in eyebrows here) and been a part of every moment.

Going it alone also does not ruin your life - I have a good friend whose 'D'P dumped her after a molar pregnancy (with the attached risk of cancer, he was a real treasure) and all this was when she was 37. When she got the all clear, she went it alone and now has two DCs, a good job and a happy life. You have lots of options.

I really would go for the counselling to boost your self-esteem, get a good handle on what your prospects are with the endo and then take it from there. Once you're the strong, happy woman you deserve to be, who knows who you might meet?

Most of all, leave him, leave him, leave him.

RantyMcRantpants · 07/07/2011 19:02

I posted on your other thread but not sure if you got to read it but in a nutshell I was in a scarily similar situation with a H who treated me exactly as yours is doing, I to had fertility problems.

We divorced and at 29 I met my gorgeous DH and we had our first DC at age 37, DC2 at 40 and a little surprise at 43 who came along with no help at all after much medical assistance with the others.

So please don't despair, you are young yet and there is a wonderful man out there for you who will not put sanctions on having children.

RantyMcRantpants · 07/07/2011 19:03

Oh! and I meant to say I have been a SAHM since the birth of DC1 :)

shakey1500 · 07/07/2011 19:17

It sounds to me you really need to get some perspective. In simple terms (and apologies, I haven't read the previous thread) it is a crazy idea to have a baby with an abusive partner just because you want a baby.

You may not "feel" it but 27 IS still very young in having a baby terms. I didn't meet my husband till I was 30, we didn't have ds till I was 38. You've plenty of time to find a happier relationship.

scottishmummy · 07/07/2011 19:20

good grief dont contemplate having baby with a bully who domineers you. its bad enough now when you are solvent and employed,imagine being financially dependent upon this man?

your marriage sounds dreadful
you have skewed esteem and judgement probably as a result of living with a git. and no a baby will not fix this

stop foccusing upon baby and new man
get the hell out of your current dire situation
get yourself straight and see what life brings you

microserf · 07/07/2011 19:40

OP, don't have a baby with someone you don't love or like.

i could bore for britain about how it will go wrong (see below), but basically you're shackled to him for the rest of your life. and you will be surprised how difficult an asshole ex partner can make your life.

i know a woman who fell pregnant with twins to a complete jerk. at first, her BF denied they were his, tried to bully her to get an abortion, told his family she was a lying slut and dumped her.

but now, he wants to be involved. he pays no maintenance (hides income, self employed) but insists on his Rights to have the twins every second weekend. they come home miserable and full of the weird crap he spouts on every subject. he's also teaching them to be aggressive with others - like he is.

he has found new and inventive ways to make her suffer. no you can't move to be near new partner/new job etc, no i want the boys the weekend a family wedding is scheduled.

think of the child, and please try to find someone else who wants children with you for all the right reasons.

MorelliOrRanger · 07/07/2011 19:46

Having no baby would be better than having a baby with you hubby.

I really think you shouldn't go there, he'll make you feel so crappy.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2011 19:47

what are you saying here ?

you will stay long enough to conceive a baby with this abusive man, and then ditch him ?

your thread title is also a fucking disgrace

get rid of the abuser

anything else you have plenty of time for

I would like to think your ignorance and naivity is because you are young and foolish. But 27 is too old to be young and foolish.

It isn't, however, too old for you to gather your shredded wits about you and make a better life for yourself.

scottishmummy · 07/07/2011 19:49

you also need to understand your triggers and not chose a git again
relearn how to be in an appropriate nurturing relationship
don't go onto replicate another maladaptive relationship

sparkle12mar08 · 07/07/2011 19:56

Oh please...

BornInAfrica · 07/07/2011 19:58

I couldn't agree more AF - I'm on the point of hiding the thread because of the title. The OP here has way way more issues than non-professionals can hope to deal with - that much is clear from her continued reluctance to drop the baby idea and get her life in order. How many more people need to either tell her plainly or share their stories for the message to get across?

TartyMcFarty · 07/07/2011 20:02

I read the original post curly, and have a lot of sympathy with your concerns regarding your fertility (I've been there.) However it has been your mistake to stay with this man as long as you have, and you can't allow your perception that time is running out to inflict a father like him on a child.

Unless you leave you will never know how good your life could be without him. And if you wait you will feel that your fertility is compromised.

Don't waste any longer on this man - your marriage is going nowhere.

ZombiePlan · 07/07/2011 20:02

Glad you started this thread - was wondering how you were doing. A few things in your OP jumped out at me.

"I thought my life had a plan and now it seems like everything might be up in the air." It's totally ok to change plans, to ditch them when they don't work out so well for you. And everything is up in the air at the moment, because you're transitioning from one plan to the next. It won't stay up in the air for long, though, so don't get stressed about that. At the moment, you are thinking about what you want to do, and that's got to be the first step. Once you've decided where you want to be, then you figure out the specifics of how to get there and start to make your plans.

"I know it will be grim having a baby with H, but surely better than having no baby at all, ever." He isn't your only option. Really. If you were determined to get pregnant immediately, you could rustle up some donor sperm pdq. Don't shackle yourself to this man just for the sake of something you could easily get elsewhere. I really don't think that you have to choose between being childless or having this man's baby. Have someone else's kid instead.

"Does having a baby really ruin your life?" No, it really doesn't - I think my little DS is the best thing ever. Having a child is wonderful. But it is hard work. If you do choose to go it alone, please make sure you have a good support network.

PhilipJFry · 07/07/2011 20:06

You wondered earlier if he could really be that much of a pain and that you'd only have to see each other at dropping off times.

Well tbh he could do so many things to get at you through a child. He could tell them anything nasty about you, refuse to follow your parenting methods, win them over in their teens so they go and live with him. He could throw abuse at you every time you have to talk or drop off a child, call social services on you, constantly change the times that he's available or refuse to help you out in emergencies.

These are only a few examples.

An abusive person can get at you in a million ways. And when there's a child involved, a child you love and want to raise and keep safe, they will have to go to him too- because he is their father. You won't be able to stop that.

scottishmummy · 07/07/2011 20:10

op your needs are beyond scope of well meaning folk on internet
in here and now do get some real life support from pals,family. longer term some counselling
pragmatically do look into finances,accommodation etc if you do leave him

i sense a strong ambivalence in your posts and dont mean to be fatalistic but think your trying to convince self of reasons to stay.not reasons to go

and do some soul searching about why your attracted to gits

MamaMary · 07/07/2011 20:12

Curly, I read your original thread.

Please leave your husband immediately.

I have never advised anyone to do leave their OH before on MN, but your relationship clearly has no future.

Don't even consider having a baby with him.

Original poster
curlychips · 07/07/2011 20:25

Thanks everyone

For the people offended by the title of the thread, it's a reference to something he said to me.

Yes I am clearly extremely naive and need to put this baby thing on hold.

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2011 20:30

something he said to you ?

and you repeated it here for your thread title ?

do you have any idea how much that means he is fucking up your sense of what is right and wrong ?

you need to leave, yesterday, before you don't know what is acceptable and what isn't

eclecticdreams · 07/07/2011 20:33

Curly
I understand the longing for a baby especially after loss. I had an ectopic due to endo (undiagnosed at the time) and had my dd eventually, after IVF at age 41. My advice is to get some GOOD advice about how endo is affecting YOUR fertility. I'm unsure what you mean by "if the endo reaches my womb..." as endometriosis is when the lining of your womb travels outside of the womb and the problems are caused when it bleeds every month causing inflammation. This can be controlled by the pill and other drugs. I downregulated for 3 months before IVF to shrink the endo but some woman are on eg prostap for longer.
I think that if you get some decent medical advice on how to preserve your fertility you will find it easier to make the decision to leave. I think you know already that it's the best thing for you to do.
Good luck

AnyFucker · 07/07/2011 20:33

of course we are offended by you thread title

I fail to understand why you are not offended enough to leave him and never have any contact with him again, never mind use him a sperm donor

get your fucking head on straight

the only way to do that is to get the hell away from him, it seems

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 07/07/2011 20:44

Get a sense of perspective, please, before you get knocked up by this nasty bastard.

Think of it as a lucky escape: You've had a taste of what life would be like
if you had a child with this man before you even conceive said child. Many, many people don't get that oppurtunity and don't find out they've made a baby with a horrible abusive bully until it's too late, or aleast very difficult to rid themselves of said bully. You have your chance to get the fuck away from him and never have to have anything to do with him ever again. You have a kid with him and he'll make your life hell every chance he gets, whether you leave or not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread