in thinking my weight shouldn't be DH's No1 concern in our relationship?

[RainyAfternoon]

Had a rather depressing conversation/argument with DH last night. Whilst trying to work out where the main problems are in our relationship and he told me that the thing he hates most is when I put on weight. I was a bit at this as I've always known it's a thing with him, but to say that it's the No1 problem in our relationship I think is a bit extreme - we are supposedly living in the 21st century...

I do have a tendency to put weight on easily, but also try and keep it under control. DC2 is nearly 2 and I have now lost 1.5 stone and am back down to a size 12, so not super skinny, but also not overweight. My point is that I don't have any health issues for him to be concerned about, but realistically I am also now 40 and am past the days when I am going to be a size 8.

I have 2 concerns here. The first and most important is that I don't want DD (4) growing up with any weight issues and around that attitude of women having to look a certain way to be attractive to men. My other issue is that I want to achieve more in life than being a certain size - I have some major achievements in my career, worked hard in the community, currently growing up two little ones, and yet the most acknowledgement/congratulations I have had (and not just from DH) is when I lost 1.5 stone. The time and commitment needed to lose weight in terms of exercise for me is just disproportionate to what I want to achieve and contribute in life.

Anyone else feel that way or am I out of step? Grrr - still fuming from last night!

I thought that you were going to be hugely fat and I was going to say that it wasn't fair if it stopped you from doing physical type things that you used to do, e.g. a 10 mile walk-however size 12 seems fine-quite healthy. Sit down and discuss it. Is he super skinny?

it's a 'I don't fancy you fat' thing - sorry, I posted this twice as I thought I'd deleted it first time, so now it looks like I really have a huge issue about it! I think he's more scared I'll put on weight again as I don't care as much as he does.

Don't blame you for fuming. Think he needs a good slap a reality check. I am now 50 and take a size 24, now I'm not advocating that as perfect but I have realised over the years as friends have suffered ill-health and tragedies that there is a lot more in life to worry about than weight. Luckily my DH is totally supportive and as long as I am happy with myself he is too.

I really sympathise with how you feel. It sounds to me as though you have a well rounded view of things. Lose weight if you want to but not solely for anyone else or it will just make you unhappy.

Interestingly DD and I have spoken at length about weight as she does have eating issues (size 10 and thinks she's fat ) She is adamant that my size has not been a negative effect for her, she says I have proved to her that you can be larger and have a happy, fulfilling home life and career whilst still acknowledging you would like to be somewhat smaller. She feels some of her friends' mothers who look great but diet constantly to remain at size 12 would be more of a negative influence for her.

Your post makes me sad, RainyAfternoon. You've had four children and have managed to get back to a size 12 and your husband sees fit to refer to your weight has his No. 1 concern for your relationship. :(

He's going to pass that message on to your children too. Make them feel that if they don't keep to a certain size/weight, they will have relationship problems too.

One of the suppliers that I deal with will boast to anybody that he makes his wife hop on the scales every morning and woe betide her if she's put on one single pound. She's been told that he'll divorce her if she puts on any more than three pounds. She's a size 3 and a half shoe, he buys her size 3 and makes her wear them because he thinks that's the size of feet she should 'aspire' to and certainly not let them get big. He's vile.

I don't know what to say, OP, about your situation. I would be furious and I'd be giving him my TOP 100 of faults that I find with HIM about his relationship with me. Wishing you courage to take him up on this. He can't help what he doesn't find attractive but your weight is not an issue at size 12 and for him to make it so makes me wonder if he sees anything else of value and importance about you and your relationship together.

I understand totally how you must feel and find it very sad that your DH sees this as the main issue in your relationship - when I met my DH 4 years ago I was a size 8 (I had starved and nearly exercised myself to death to get to this size! my 'normal' size is 12/14). I did this not for him I might add, at the time I was going through a nasty divorce and I suppose took up exercise to help channel away all the stress and emotions. I always knew my DH had a thing for slim women, he mentioned it several times when we first met + informed me he could never date a size 14 (sounds so shallow I know - he's on the big side himself!), 3 years on and after having 2 children I'm now a size 12, feel fit as a fiddle but despite my best efforts know I will find it near on impossible to get back to a size 8 again nor do I really want to. I know my DH is disappointed but what upsets me the most is that I need him to see past this - he has gained two beautiful children, bodyshapes change so just get over it. I only hope your DH can too.

I also expected your post to say that you were hugely fat which size 12 is quite clearly, not.

It's all relative though. Size 8 to 12 - that's quite a jump is it not? Surely he has a right to point out when he thinks you are carrying too much extra timber OP?

Sorry maurice - badly written by me. He's never known me as a size 8. In fact I expect I was 16yrs old when I was last size 8. I've always been size 12 and then 14 when he's known me...

Ah, well, he is been a bit unrealistic then.

good lord I hope he is an adonis himself

Surely he has a right to point out when he thinks you are carrying too much extra timber OP?

Not unless he wants his balls removing and stuffing down his gob.

You could look at it in a positive way OP - if such a trivial thing is the No 1 problem in your relationship then clearly you don't have many problems!

I think men with this attitude think their wives are their property and that it reflects badly on them if their 'property' does not meet a media created 'ideal.
It's vile, sexist, chauvenistic, shalllow and many other things.
Does he respect you in any way?Does he value your intelligence/support/love/and so on..?
I'd find it hard to live like that tbh.
I'v e been with dh for 13 years and he has not once said anything negative about my appearance. In that time I've had 3 kids, fluctuated in weight by 1 or 2 stone, my boobs have shrunk and so on. Dh has gone grey and his waistline is 2 inches bigger. We still fancy each other-he's still the same person who makes me laugh and is supportive, charming and all the rest of it.
How shallow can you be if a slight fluctuation in weight is the main issue in your relationship?
What will happen if something really serious happens like 1 of you gets ill?
The only hopeful thing I can say is maybe he's projecting all his other, serious, issues into your weight. Maybe he sees your weight as a reflection of the fact that life has not turned out as he expected and there's serious work to be done on re-evaluating his priorities and looking at how to make each other happy.
Or maybe he's just a cock.

Ha ha, I wish Minipie, but that's the thing - there are way more important things to be worrying about and thankful about. It is trivial for me... ho hum

I think that someone who loves you should not be so affected by your weight. I can understand that a person might have a preference for a certain 'look', but once love is involved surely that should cease to be a huge consideration.

If my husband had some kind of accident and looked different to how he looked when we met, I wouldn't feel any differently about him, because I love him, not just the package that is his body.

I think your husband sounds very shallow and quite unkind tbh, to put such a huge focus on what is a small change really. Am not surprised you are feeling like you do now. I think I would lose a lot of respect for a man who places such importance on a few extra pounds.

Your DH thinks your weight is the number 1 problem in your relationship.

As an outsider, I'd say that the number one problem is his lack of respect for you.

No Maurice. He doesn't have that right. HTH

OP can I ask your height? I am 5.8 and for me a size twelve is a perfect size.

Size 12 isnt fat unless you are very tiny in height and your structure shows that you should be naturally much tinier than that.

But if you say your usual average size is a 12 then I would think it is because that is your natural healthy size.

Its so sad that size 12 is considered fat on the average woman.

what does he think about your daughter growing up thinking that appearance is all that matters? does he hope his daughter meets somebody who loves her for who she is inside and what she believes and does with her life?

what puzzles me, is how you could be married to somebody so shallow without knowing it?

is he REALLY that shallow?.. or was he just trying to grasp at straws for an 'excuse' for generally being unhappy and trying to find something to 'blame'?

Oh and I agree about it being trivial. Unless you are unhealthy, your size is not an issue IMO.

What you achieve and thusly get fulfilment from elsewhere seems to make you much happier so that seems more important.

hmm it's difficult though I think - I don't fancy my dh when he's put on weight either, and strangers wouldn't say he was obese, but his belly just puts me right off.

I agree that he should not see weight as the most important thing/achievement etc, but I can see how it could affect fanciability.

I too expected you to say you were 16stone or something. But a size 12? That's way below 'average'.

My DH has encouraged me to lose weight when he's seen I'm unhappy and he knows that I worry about my weight/health balance. TBF I'm usually a size 14, sometimes 16 so not 'huge' but more than I should/could be.

If that was his #1 concern I'd be devastated. It's fairly typical for plenty of other people to dwell on appearance, but your dh who should love more than just the wrapping? That's just wrong.

I think you need to talk to him and explain how he was made you feel TBH. If it really is that big a deal then I suggest you tell him that it's unacceptable to make you feel that way.

Your husband is being an arse. If you have always been a size 12 and you still are, you're among a minority of women who have maintained the same weight over 20 odd years and having children.

So you are the same size as you were when you got together. Perhaps he would like a perter younger model?

oh thank you for all your thoughts - wish I could have a MN feed in my ear when I'm discussing it, as I can never be this articulate myself. LDN I'm 5'6" so size 12 is okay... Fluffles, obviously this is just a snapshot of one aspect of our relationship that really rankles, but he's not really that shallow. A bit complex though - and maybe this has something to do with it - he lost his parents when he was young - 13yo, and his mum was very slim and beautiful, so thinking about it now I guess that is maybe the root of his feelings. Actually I've never really put those two thoughts together, but it probably does have a lot to do with his underlying feelings. Hmm, now I feel a bit crap for allowing him to be slated for being shallow, but I was sooo cross last night...