in thinking my weight shouldn't be DH's No1 concern in our relationship?

[RainyAfternoon]

Had a rather depressing conversation/argument with DH last night. Whilst trying to work out where the main problems are in our relationship and he told me that the thing he hates most is when I put on weight. I was a bit at this as I've always known it's a thing with him, but to say that it's the No1 problem in our relationship I think is a bit extreme - we are supposedly living in the 21st century...

I do have a tendency to put weight on easily, but also try and keep it under control. DC2 is nearly 2 and I have now lost 1.5 stone and am back down to a size 12, so not super skinny, but also not overweight. My point is that I don't have any health issues for him to be concerned about, but realistically I am also now 40 and am past the days when I am going to be a size 8.

I have 2 concerns here. The first and most important is that I don't want DD (4) growing up with any weight issues and around that attitude of women having to look a certain way to be attractive to men. My other issue is that I want to achieve more in life than being a certain size - I have some major achievements in my career, worked hard in the community, currently growing up two little ones, and yet the most acknowledgement/congratulations I have had (and not just from DH) is when I lost 1.5 stone. The time and commitment needed to lose weight in terms of exercise for me is just disproportionate to what I want to achieve and contribute in life.

Anyone else feel that way or am I out of step? Grrr - still fuming from last night!

[CurrySpice]

I've said this before on threads like this but I can only assume he looks like Brad Fucking Pitt?

[drivemecrazy63]

sorry id kill slap my ds silly if he was like this with me yes its lovely to be slim and trim but wtf weve had babies were not so young and its unfair and unrealistic to expect you to stay the same, now ive the reverse problem if you like a DH who says he loves me whatever way i am which is all well and good actually its quite lovely untill he pops to the local shop and keeps buying me chocolate and flowers and other fine delicacies like pork pies the other day so kind of a mixed blessing

[drivemecrazy63]

@ currySpice brad pitt

[perfectstorm]

I'd be fuming too, for all the reasons you state. It's not okay. In fact it's horribly demeaning. I'm sorry - have you suggested Relate? I'd like to hear a counsellor investigate this one, because it's so immature on his part.

[Newbabynewmum]

I had to write something on this. OP. I'd be livid. That is just horrendous. You are a size 12! That's smaller than average, slim in my opinion.

Have you told him how awful it is that he thinks that? To me this would be it. After being with my EX who used to tell me at size 14 I was a "fat fuck" and I embarrassed him when we were out together no way would I take that.

What does he look like? 6 pack tanned god I presume? Are you going to talk to him about this? It's so appalling. If I had a son and he talked to his wife like this I'd be so ashamed.

Sorry, I just am so shocked with his behaviour.

[perfectstorm]

Oh, and I am your height and dress size as well. And it was my TARGET after birth. And I was a size 8 when I got pregnant, but I ate badly. Can't do that as a parent, as you rightly say.

I'm sorry to ask but have you ever had an eating issue? Because if so, and he knows it, that puts a different complexion on things.

[CurrySpice]

My DP and I have put on a little weight recently

We lay in bed comparing our bellies and he said "Darling, let's tunk it on and not give a fuck" :o

I know he loves me no matter what I weigh. He would only want me to lose it because he knows it gets me down :(

I would be DEVESTATED if he said anything like the OP's DH did :( really hurt

I now you love him OP but does he know how much his comments hurt you? :(

[RainyAfternoon]

No, no eating disorders, though a bit of a passion for chocolate...

[CurrySpice]

now = know

[perfectstorm]

Okay, good. (It's still fucking appalling, but I'm sure you've seen those slow release threads where it turns out someone is a recovered anorexic and the arse is trying to convince her she's a heifer as a control strategy.) Then he may just have a mental age of 14 and think all women should remain Pamela Anderson on Baywatch in perpetuity. Unlike Pamela Anderson herself.

[BertieBotts]

One of XP's friends told me if his girlfriend got over a size 10 he'd tell her she was getting fat. I told him he was a twat.

[RainyAfternoon]

thanks perfect - but am being a bit slow release myself as am only now really thinking about this, as haven't bothered to waste energy on it before and am now wondering if there is a link between him loosing his slim beautiful mum when he was 13, and this argument (see above). A bit of an obvious link for me not to make in 8 years you'd think - though we haven't had this big an argument over it before.

[perfectstorm]

I'm sure I don't need to say this, but... Relate?

And yeah it does sound like he has no image of a mother naturally aging. I mean, our parents are how we experience that process, I think. He may need some outside help. I'm still unimpressed that he has said something so toddleresque in its utter self-absorbtion, however.

[perfectstorm]

Bertiebotts, don't blush! You are 1) correct, and 2) my heroine.

[clutteredup]

rainy I feel for you this could be me. I have a DH like this and had a long period of being overweight some of it in fact due to just this , I didn't want to lose weight because I wanted him to love me anyway not for what he wanted me to be like- he didn't think it was a problem to tell me I was overweight as 'it was imprtant for me to know so I could do something about it'. I lost 2st last year, for my own self esteem reasons not for him, and have subsequently put back 0.5 so about the same as you. Like your DH I got a lot of praise etc. But now he is piling on the weight like noone's business and I did mention it once and he told me it was OK as he knew and he would do something about it - he hasn't actually but it's not my problem in the same way it was his when I was overweight.
You are not out of step at all - I think if you have problems they are to do with him and he's trying to find excuses and to blame it on you. Well that's what I tell myself anywayI have friends who are much larger, have happy and fulfilled relationships and good sex lives. . There is still part of me that resents DH for liking me more now I'm thinner and I can't get it out of my mind.
But you are right it is not fair for anyone who loves you to put such store on your weight - it should be more than that. DH tells me it was all out of concern for me but I doubt it- other people are weightier and it's not a big concern.
What is it with these men!!!!!!!!!

[AngryFeet]

I would be out the door personally. But it is a big red flag to me as I grew up with parents who constantly criticised my body even when I was slim. I am currently a size 18 but was a 12 when DH and I got together and it was still slim on me at 5ft 3 (not skinny but slim). I have been up and down in weight since then but DH calls me gorgeous and sexy and tells me what a hot body I have almost everyday whether I am toned or wobbly as hell with saggy boobs, stretchmarks and a wrinkly tummy.

I could not accept anything else now. Sure if I got morbidly obese he would tell me out of concern for my health but nothing else. And I feel the same about him. If you love someone I think you love their mind/personality above all else. People in relationships should accept each other just as they are - otherwise life becomes a struggle :(

[carryon]

This is clearly going to be an unpopluar view but I can see where your DH is coming from but it does depend on how he says it. We all have an idea of what we find attractive and usually thats pretty much how the person we first meet looks.So, for me it's tall, athletic men - which DH is. If he then put on 2 stone I just wouldnt fancy him as much. I would love him but I know I wouldnt fancy him as much. OP in your case you have gone up 2 dress sizes since you met. You are clearly not overweight but you are bigger than you were (still smaller than me though). A size 8 is teeny,whereas a size 12 is slim but not tiny. It's all a matter of context and how he says it I think.I am in a similar position and DH has said a similar thing but its always said in the context of "I love you,but I would like to see you lose a bit of weight".Similarly, I have at tiimes said the same to him.I think women can be over emotional sometimes about this stuff when it doesnt need to be that way.

[BertieBotts]

perfectstorm. I was only blushing because I never, ever call people out on their shit and he was massive (muscly) so I'm not sure what came over me. I was just so that anyone would think that was okay.

[ChristinedePizan]

carryon - you didn't read the thread properly. OP said:

He's never known me as a size 8. In fact I expect I was 16yrs old when I was last size 8. I've always been size 12 and then 14 when he's known me...

So your theory holds no water.

[Nuttychic]

OP I think you should remind him that when he was born, his nut sack looked 50. At 40, they look a good 150 years old! Tell him that you would like his 20 year old nut sack back please as the old, shrivelled ones are a turn off. Cheeky fecker he is :)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

RainyAfternoon... "his mum was very slim and beautiful, so thinking about it now I guess that is maybe the root of his feelings. Actually I've never really put those two thoughts together, but it probably does have a lot to do with his underlying feelings."

That doesn't make any sense to me. He lost his parents when he was young and his mum was slim. How does that relate in any way to his dismissal of you should you put on weight?

He does sound shallow; you must have been quite angry to have posted in the first place. I wouldn't make excuses for his comments nor the way you feel.

[minipie]

It's possible that his losing his mum has contributed to him idolising slim women or thinking that's what mothers can and should look like. But then society generally idolises slim women and tells us that's what mothers can and should look like.

OP, if you've always been a size 12, why on earth does he think you're going to be slimmer than that? Or is he happy with you at size 12 but worried you're going to balloon to size 30 one day? (If so then maybe he should worry about it if if and when it happens...)