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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just want one compliment. Just one.

59 replies

HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 11:06

I'm not fishing, honestly, I don't want to be complimented by people who are only going by what I say, but I just want to ask opinion really.

I have had a friend for about 2 years, and I have just about had enough. I've looked back carefully over the last couple of years and she has not said one nice thing about me. Not one.

But it's not just her. I've just returned from a meeting at school and it was all 'ooh I like your hair Sue, I like your shoes Jane, I like your blah blah Sheila'. I'm friendly, get on with most people and I live by the rule that if you think something nice, you should say it and if you think something mean you should consider why and then rant about it on mn.

I've just come home and burst into tears over this. Honestly, I can't remember the last compliment I received. What the fuck is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 12:30

sssj72 pm me if you want any advice, I have been through it all I can tell you! I'm happy to share my experiences.

OP posts:
flipthefrog · 06/07/2011 12:33

suppose it was a good job i have a thick skin! they were salesmen so i suppose that would explain alot Grin

Flowerista · 06/07/2011 12:40

A total stranger complimented my dress today. I was thrilled. She won't know it, but she made my day, and I'd like to thank her xx

lashingsofbingeinghere · 06/07/2011 12:42

I am a great believer in paying people unexpected compliments.

I was wearing an oldish coat one day last winter. A woman in the department store I was in literally chased after me to say how fabulous it was and what a great fit. I was astonished (the coat is at least 6 years old! Hobbs, tweedy job) but pleased in equal measure. It made me think if you see someone doing something nice, or wearing something nice or just looking nice, why not mention it? Almost everyone appreciates a compliment .

BeerTricksPotter · 06/07/2011 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Omigawd · 06/07/2011 14:02

@Happydoll I think the comments around being thought of as a ball breaker, leaking etc etc et al are probably the clue. I suspect you generate envy and do intimidate people

Compliments are usually given to establish bonds, establish rapport and show intent of friendliness, but I've also noticed they tend not to be given to strong people as much, possibly because others feel nervous that they could ever establish rapport.

They are also free, so give out as many as you can like you did with that older lady.

Do unto others, Give and ye shall receive etc....

itisnearlysummer · 06/07/2011 15:12

Right, I shall feel shy no more.

I'm going to compliment freely from this day forward...

Original poster
HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 15:43

Well, I went shopping and I sought out the owner of a little independant shop I always shop at. I told her I thought her shop was fabulous and that I really admired her unique business model. She was thrilled and asked my advice on something. So that's a compliment back I suppose?

Then, I went to DDs school to do some reading with the Y1s. I read about a fat lazy farmer that these 2 girls said looked like me. I was a bit upset but when they skipped off I heard them say "that was a really fun story wasn't it". So that's a compliment isn't it? I made the story fun and they enjoyed it, even if I do look like a fat bloke Hmm !

So, I am turning this around. Having said that though - I would so value one of my friends saying they like my hair. It would mean the world to me right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 15:58

@Ohmigawd I think I do 'generate envy' (christ, I could never say that anywhere but here) but I don't set out to.

I have had 3 babies, 2 survived but were incredibly ill and both have SEN, 1 needing statementing.

2 of my close family suffer with MS, 2 have life limiting diabetes and 1 has cancer. I am likely to become a carer soon adn I am the only one that can be leant on currently.
Financially I am secure both personally and within the marriage, I have nice things that I have worked bloody hard for and I strive to be empathetic and have strong moral values.

But I can still say that I always get what I want. Clearly I didn't want all the crap thats been thrown at me, but I always rise to the occasion through hard work, determination and a positive outlook.

I want my career, but I can't go back to that now so I am retraining and doing something that I will find equally fulfilling and fit around the DCs. Not one person can find it in themselves to say 'well done, you're fab'. Really is it so hard? moan moan whinge whinge!

OP posts:
PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 16:08

Oh no! It could have been something random though! My daughter thinks I look like Wonder Woman. Pretty sure I don't, I just have similar hair.

Allinabinbag · 06/07/2011 16:08

I think you are right that you have put such energy into being positive and only appearing when you are 'coping' that people forget you are vulnerable. I feel like that sometimes, and I haven't had half the things you have had to cope with, but I'm still seen as the coping, strong one, except to a very small group of family and the odd friend (who know what a mess I can be behind the scenes). I do think it's ok to show your vunerability, though, why not ring a R-L friend in the next day or two and say 'I'm having a hard time now'. It does sound to me like you have very much put a positive-spin on everything to the point that you perhaps don't even acknowledge to yourself, or your very close others, that you are struggling and need a hand. Losing your professional identity is a big deal, losing a child is just so big I don't know where to start. I wonder (sorry to psycho-analyse you over the internet) if some of this is hitting you now rather than at the time.

On a more light-hearted note, I agree that paying compliments is a lovely thing to do, I had one at work (about my work) the other week and I realied it had been months since anyone had complimented me on my work, probably because I am quite tough and intimidating there, and it's just expected I'll do ok. One reason I like hanging out with old friends, including male friends, is that they pay me the odd compliment and pretend like the last twenty years hasn't happened. I do the same to them and everyone goes away happy!

PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 16:10

Maybe you need to show your softer side? You sound very strong but inside you must have worries and difficulties. It's not weak to share them with people.

Original poster
HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 19:00

You're right. I'm not good at that. I think I am. But I'm clearly not. This one friend who hasn't found anything nice to say in 2 years is coming off my friend list I think. But I do need to display my neediness a bit perhaps. I don't want people to fawn over me, but I do need a little lift every now and then. Perhaps that's what MN is for?

OP posts:
ElbowFan · 06/07/2011 19:36

You sound to me like a very strong person. Someone who has had to be strong for those around you. Strong to bear the brunt and the burden. It has made you a fighter. It has made you 'someone-not-to-be-messed-with! But strong fighters get tired. All that leading can be lonely and wearing. I think you are tired and in need of someone to lean on - just a little bit. Someone to listen, someone to care, someone to notice.
Sounds to me also that you've perked up over the course of the day, thanks both to MN and to the people you have met. Stay positive and go out and meet more people, who knows, maybe new friends...

PinkSchmoo · 06/07/2011 20:08

Op you sound pretty fricking amazing. I'd be only knees trying to deal with a quarter of what you are managing.

Dont understand why people don't compliment more. I find it makes my day if I compliment a stranger, kind of qualifies as a random act of kindness.

Btw flowerista if your dress is a maxi in a blue shade with flowers it was me and it really was lovely.

WriterofDreams · 06/07/2011 20:28

HappyDoll you've been through so much, and maybe now you're feeling the strain. It's good to be strong and to cope, but part of being strong is leaning on others for help. Perhaps it's time to reach out to someone and ask for some support?

shakey1500 · 06/07/2011 20:40

HappyDoll, I'd like to compliment you on a thought provoking thread :)

I will also dish out compliments to others and crave them myself YET when I get one I feel totally embarrased, wish they hadn't done it, yet I'd be gutted if they hadn't. Rahhhhhh! Explain that to me someone please?????

Try to explain, give an example. Ok, I'm an actor and once played a lead part that required a wig, fuddy clothes etc. Finished the play, all actors enter the bar (as is the law) various audience members are mumbling/nudging (towards the rest of the cast) "Oooh look! There's the one that played MrB, and she's the one who played MissT....." etc etc. Not ONE person recognised me. Now, I see that as a good thing as it means I did my job properly. I'd be disappointed if it was obvious. BUT on the other hand I was gutted not to receive any compliments but THEN if I had have I'd have shuffled from foot to foor squirming in embarrassment. I can't win, a compliment giver can't win.

Anyhow, thank you for making me think about it a bit more Grin

MamaMary · 06/07/2011 21:44

I have two particular friends and when we 3 get together they always seem to compliment each other on clothes, hair, etc. Sometimes I compliment them too. But neither of them ever compliment me. It's weird, and a bit depressing. I think it's maybe because they tend to wear designer clothes, when I don't, and they get their hair done a bit more often than I do. But it is crap.

PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 21:49

MamaMary Don't compliment them ever again! You can say "you look nice" to someone even if they aren't well the type of designer clothes you yourself like. They sound like stuck up wankers.

flipthefrog · 06/07/2011 21:51

try my direct question mama

i love your hair happydoll btw Grin

MamaMary · 06/07/2011 21:54

Yes, PrettyMeerkat, I think it reflects badly on them. And the thing is, I don't think I look that bad! Grin

OP, I think you sound amazing. It's sad that none of your friends can bring themselves to express admiration or even support. I think it shows how insecure a lot of people are.

Violet5 · 06/07/2011 22:05

Happydoll i wish i had a friend like you. I have 2 children with SEN's and i really admire what you've done and are doing. I too have been retraining (i miss being able to work so much i now do voluntary). I didn't want the crap that life threw my way either but like you i just rise to the occasion and get on with it.
As such i'm just seen as a coper, friends never ever ask if i'm tired, and i can't remember the last compliment i ever got of anyone. My husband say's it's because i come across as confident and one of life's copers so people don't feel the need to. I've also been told that people are jealous of me ! of what i have NO idea but whatever i'm only human and feel just like you described. If nothing else the odd compliment would just help make me feel a little less invisible.
Hope your retraining goes well, and for what it's worth i think you sound amazingly strong, intelligent and devoted to your family, they're very lucky to have you.

CakeandRoses · 06/07/2011 22:31

Op - it's not you, it's your friends!

i'm sure your friends must think nice things about you they just don't feel able to say them. my inlaws are like that - almost like giving a compliment will cost them in some way Hmm

i actually wonder how people can manage NOT to give compliments, it seems so unnatural.

anyway, you sound like an amazing person but i understand that all you actually want to hear 'is your hair looks nice'

perhaps you should post a pic and we can all fall over ourselves to compliment you Smile

Original poster
HappyDoll · 06/07/2011 22:48

Shucks thank you guys (dolls? I don't know?!) I really appreciate all the lovely compliments and I accept them all as they are meant.

This has really got me thinking as well. I think a lot of people (women?) wander through life feeling jealous and insecure, complimenting or even expressing admiration, shows that you don't feel that. Whomever said paying compliments feels good is right. It does. I do believe not in karma as such, but that positivity breeds. Paying someone a compliment, verbalising that you feel, is only going to lead to good things.

No-one's going to kick you in the fanny for saying their hair looks nice Grin

OP posts:
pestroid · 06/07/2011 23:00

Happy Doll you have a lovely smile, and I am mega jealous that you can ice skate - I always end up on my arse.

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