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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected a visit from my in laws to see their new granddaughter? AFTER 6 WEEKS!

37 replies

TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 11:40

She is 6 weeks old and not even a mention of a visit. They live 2 1/2 hours away which I know is a bit of a trek but it's not like they're overseas or anything.

My husband is a wonderful, kind, thoughtful chap but his parents are DIFFICULT. He has no real relationship with his dad because FIL is an arrogant, domineering bully and whilst he's close to his mum, who IS excited about our daughter's arrival, she does not drive and is reliant on FIL to get to us (money is tight so getting the train isn't an option). FIL works 6 days a week in a job that involves a lot of driving and whilst I appreciate that is tiring SURELY a new baby is worth putting yourself out for just a little? Or not, it seems... Sad

In all honesty, I didn't want them to visit immediately after the birth, she's our first child and we needed time to settle, and FIL is not someone I wanted around whilst getting to grips with BF etc but they didn't even propose a visit so it's not like I've refused them once and now they're in a huff or anything.

They are very poor at keeping in touch, we have lived together for 8 years and in that time his mum has phoned us less than a dozen times. If my husband phones them he gets "oh it's so lovely to finally hear from you, we miss you" etc from his mum. The onus is always on him to communicate. The only exception to this was when I was pregnant, when his mum phoned 3 or 4 times, much to my amazement, and we had a few really good chats about the pregnancy and babies etc.

His elder brother lives overseas, and has 2 children that they don't see so I had thought they would be gagging to see our daughter as she is at least in the same country as them.

Basically, I feel hurt for my daughter, that apparently she's not special enough to warrant a visit, but mostly I'm outraged on my husband's behalf. We've talked about it briefly but I know he's hurt and embarrassed by their behaviour so I don't want to go on about it to him as he's too proud to beg them to visit and he shouldn't really have to!

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, just wanted to get it off my chest and see what your thoughts are on what to do about the situation, if anything?

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
PGTip · 04/07/2011 11:42

Understand your frustration, but couldn't you visit them?

spookshowangel · 04/07/2011 11:43

Hmm my mum lives in a different country, she came the same day my ds was born. 6 weeks is a bit much really.

mumblechum1 · 04/07/2011 11:43

Why don't you visit them?

ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2011 11:44

You say your husband is too proud to 'beg' them to visit, but has he even asked them over? Some people feel rude asking if they can visit and would rather wait for an invitation.

ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2011 11:45

Or yes, as others have suggested, visit them. You know they don't have much money or time, so make the effort to go to them.

Original poster
TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 11:46

You're right we could, I'm just not keen on the prospect of a long journey with a young baby but she is getting more manageable now she's a bit older. But also I wish they'd just acknowlege that they can't or won't visit and at least ask us to go there.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2011 11:47

"...and at least ask us to go there".

Perhaps they're thinking exactly the same thing.

Marne · 04/07/2011 11:47

Dh's dad lives 15 minles up the road and has never been to our house Grin, we visit him once a month but he has never visited when theres a new baby (we had to go to him).

itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 11:48

I know that this feels really important right now. It sounds like you're better off without the FIL visiting!

I'd feel hurt for my daughter too in your shoes, and have felt hurt for my children over the years on many occasions for the attitude of their grandparents towards them.

We just have to make sure we're the best parents we can be so that shitty grandparents aren't an issue. It does hurt though. I want to see my DCs having a lovely relationship with their grandparents, like I had with my Grandma. But it isn't going to happen.

I suppose you have this idea of what grandparents are going to be, but rude, selfish, ignorant people are rude, selfish, ignorant people whatever their age.

It does hurt though, and the sad thing is, it always will Sad

Original poster
TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 11:49

I know I'm being stubborn but I really didn't think you had to INVITE new grandparents to visit Sad

Time and money isn't in ready supply for us either unfortunately but I appreciate that if push comes to shove of course we'll go there. I just feel so embarrassed when people ask me if her grandparents are proud of their new granddaughter and I have to admit that one set hasn't even seen her!

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 11:50

I don't think it's reasonable to suggest that the OP visits them! They've got a new baby and it's usual for the grandparents to visit, not to expect the new parents/baby to trek to see them.

The ILs sound like they're a bit disinterested in the whole thing tbh. I don't think it's fair to put the onus on the OP.

ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2011 11:51

For gawds sake, invite them over. It's not worth getting upset over something that you could so easily put right.

Fennel · 04/07/2011 11:52

We have grandparents like this too, DP's., they were utterly uninterested in our first baby, which hurt DP. They had been very involved with their first few grandchildren and by the time it got to ours (our first was their 6th grandchild) they didn't care.

I think you just have to go with it, you can't make someone be enthusiastic about your children, best to try instead to set up a support network of friends if you can and go with that. There are actually a lot of us around who don't get much interest or help from grandparents, it can seem that everyone else has keen useful grannies but it's not everyone.

And on the plus side, it takes the pressure off feeling you have to keep visiting them or accommodating them, it can be a freedom not having keen grandparents. That's once you get used to the idea. I was upset for DP, but he got used to it.

itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 11:52

TrinityCalling It might be a blessing that they haven't seen her yet. My DD was born 5 wks early by EMCS and she was tiny.

My mum visited her in hospital and said "Ooh you're a little one. My friend at work had a baby 5 weeks early. She was nearly as small as you but she died".

itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 11:53

Grandparents aren't always a blessing!

Original poster
TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 11:53

Thanks itisnearlysummer! Smile

I've tried not to let it bother me but I just feel like they're missing out and may well regret not seeing her sooner.

OP posts:
HarrietJones · 04/07/2011 11:54

We've not seen BIL yet and dd3 (dh first) is 9months. BIL isthe only family dh has (except for a second cousin- who texts regularly to ask after dd3).

Original poster
TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 11:55

I think I'm also scared that I'll invite them and they still won't come which will make my poor DH feel even worse. (This has happened before at Christmas/birthdays etc)

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 04/07/2011 11:57

They might regret it. But then we all have to live with our regrets!

If they do regret it, it's been their choice. I just find it difficult when other children I know spend time with/receive gifts from their grandparents but I try to just be happy for them rather than sad for my own.

It's hard though.

JustAnother · 04/07/2011 11:59

Could you afford sending her a train ticket, so that mum can visit on her own?

butternut234 · 04/07/2011 12:01

Why don't you invite them, and don't tell your DH that you've invited them until they say yes? Then he won't get hurt if they say no. Maybe I'm in the minority but I'd have been really surprised if grandparents had just turned up - I expected them to wait to be asked!! They might not want to be pushy and invite themselves over - as you say, it's your first and you're settling in together. Maybe the MIL gleaned from your preggers chats that that was what you would like?

Fennel · 04/07/2011 12:03

I think it's really between your dh and his parents here. It's a minefield to try and intervene between a partner and their family - both sides might turn on you, in that way families do. Let him choose to talk to them, or not, and support him in what he chooses to do.

Lambzig · 04/07/2011 12:04

YANBU I had the same thing - we had to really push a visit on my PIL when my DD was eight weeks old (when my step mother persuaded me I had to try harder) and despite it being a three hours drive there, we were asked to plan to only come down for 24 hours as they couldnt cope with a small baby in the house for longer (they are in their 50s and early 60s and not in ill health). She is now 16 months old and since then they have only seen her once (again for a 24 hour visit by us). We are now trying to force them invite ourselves to see her this summer and have been told they might fit us in end of August.

I was really hurt on behalf of my DD and my DH and do think they are missing so much. Luckily my dad and my stepmother are so lovely and make up for it, so hopefully you have other relatives to make a fuss of her.

I can only say that it gets a bit easier and I have ended up accepting that they are just not that interested.

Nefret · 04/07/2011 12:05

I think they should have visited you and I really don't see why you should have to take a new baby to see them.

Why don't you invite them to visit, if they don't come then just forget about them, it is their loss. Don't spend time worrying about it, just enjoy your baby Smile

Original poster
TrinityCalling · 04/07/2011 12:13

Whilst I'm obviously not glad other people have been in the same situation, it is a relief because I'd started to get a bit conscious of being the odd one out in my group of new mummy friends. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Fortunately my parents think she is the best thing since sliced bread and they live locally Grin

OP posts:
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