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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend is being selfish! Chicken Pox

49 replies

lisad123 · 03/07/2011 13:49

DD2 has come out in chicken pox, so texted all friends to tell them just in case. Saw friend earlier today (DH was at home with DD2)
I told her about pox, as her DD is in same nursery class as DD2. We are all meant to be going to a wedding on saturday and her DDs are bridemaids. When I said we might not be going unless dd2 has scabbed over, her reply was "well I have spent too much money on this wedding, even if DDs get them, we are going!! Its not dangerous really anyways"!! she then went on to say, that the kids are infectious, 2 weeks before the spots so whats the difference?!
AIBU to think she is being very selfish? DH is having chemo, and we are just praying he still have immunity to it :( but Im sure there are plently out there who could do without getting it

OP posts:
FriskyMare · 03/07/2011 13:53

I thought chicken pox was still infectious/contagious until spots had scabbed over. My dd had chickenpox when she was having chemo and was hospitalised for 2 weeks. Can cause encephalitis and be dangerous for near term preganancies, so NO yanbu SHE IS.

Original poster
lisad123 · 03/07/2011 13:56

it is until they scab over, but can be passed on to others before the spots come out, but she's saying they can pass it on then, so whats the problem. My problem is I didnt know until spots come out but after that shes staying in.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 03/07/2011 13:57

But her children haven't got them. You can't judge her on a decision she hasn't really made. They might not get them. They might get them and have one spot. She will have to make her decision when the time comes.

Obviously she is wants her children to still be bridesmaids at a wedding.

Original poster
lisad123 · 03/07/2011 14:00

but shes saying if they do get them, she is taking them anyways, no matter what.

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 03/07/2011 14:00

My sil's friend's daughter died last month of cpox, aged just 6mo. Yes she is right about cpox being communicable before spots appear but she is still BVFU.

TottWriter · 03/07/2011 14:04

savoy, I think the point is that her children are probably still incubating and haven't shown it yet - they almost certainly will get it as they go to the same nursery. The OP had no idea until the spots showed, but this friend should be able to work out that her DDs have been exposed and therefore knows before the external symptoms.

Not only that, the selfish bint has said that even if her DC do get visible chicken pox, so she knows for sure they have it, she will take them anyway because she has forked out for dresses.

Frankly, if someone showed up at my wedding with chicken pox riddled DC in tow, I'd turn them away.

OP, have you told the bride that you won't be attending? She might be able to join the dots and work out that her bridesmaids may be contagious.

Grabaspoon · 03/07/2011 14:07

I don't understand what you mean re DH I understand that chicken pox would compromise his health but surely him being with DD is doing the same?

Original poster
lisad123 · 03/07/2011 14:11

yes, DH is at risk of getting the poxs because of the chemo, and because he has spent time with her, before we knew. Its our risk, we always knew it was a risk because we have young children. I guess Im mad because I wouldnt want to put anyone else at risk by being so selfish. If I knew someone was having chemo/old/pregannt ect, i would put them at risk because my kids was going to be a bridesmaid

OP posts:
libelulle · 03/07/2011 14:25

It is all hypothetical though isn't it. They aren't 'almost certainly' incubating CP just because it's around at nursery - my DD's nursery has had at least 5 outbreaks in the last few years but DD still hasn't caught it. If she does turn up with DCs in tow at wedding, clearly that is awful, but talk is cheap - when it comes down to it she may well keep them home, esp if they are itchy, feverish and miserable.

mummytime · 03/07/2011 14:36

Okay can posters please read the OP before posting.
The "friend" said she would still take her DDs to the wedding even if covered in spots because "she had spent too much on the wedding".

I was not a bridezilla, but I would have not been amused if kids had been brought to my wedding with chicken pox! I also know immune compromised children, an adult who died, and didn't get it myself until pregnant.
OP YANBU

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 14:43

KaraStarbuckThrace That's so sad! Sad

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/07/2011 15:18

Yes she is selfish.My brother caught a common cold when he was on chemo and he ended up being hospitalised and extremely ill.Goodness knows what chicken pox would of done.

diddl · 03/07/2011 15:29

Is it more than likely that she spoke without thinking & then tried to justify it?

I wouldn´t condemn her too much on something she has said but may not do iyswim.

meditrina · 03/07/2011 15:34

I hope she was just speaking randomly, in the shock of first hearing of the possibility. What she said might be very different to what she would actually do if faced with poorly children.

The incubation period is 21 days, you don't necessarily catch it (it swept DS's nursery every winter, but he didn't get it until reception); this may well not come to pass.

libelulle · 03/07/2011 18:07

mummytime if I hadn't read the OP I wouldn't have replied Hmm Fact remains, she was talking hypothetically, and people say all sorts of crap that they don't necessarily mean.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 03/07/2011 18:15

Lisa, I'm so sorry about your dh. I think until you are involved in how it can effect others dome people just don't realise the implications.

fuzzpig · 03/07/2011 18:26

OMG kara how awful, I'm so sorry :( my DSDs had it at a similar age and one was hospitalised as the spots spread into her throat and airway. DD actually has it ATM, she just turned 4 and we had her checked over as we thought we could see some in her mouth. Thankfully we were wrong! She does have some inside her labia though, so she is really really sore :(

Lisa, hope your DH recovers quickly xx

hugeleyoutnumbered · 03/07/2011 18:26

gosh sorry to hear about you DH, she is being unreasonable not you, she obviously doesn't understand that imunosupressed are at risk of catching it, good luck with the treatment, I hope you have a good day on saturday it will do you all good

fuzzpig · 03/07/2011 18:27

My friend took her DD (the one who DD caught it from) to peppa pig world a couple of days after getting the spots.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2011 20:02

"she then went on to say, that the kids are infectious, 2 weeks before the spots so whats the difference?!"

The difference is that, at the wedding, they will be spreading the pox to a whole bunch of people that have not been exposed to their pox before, who would have been at no risk if they (your friend & her DDs) had not attended the wedding (as opposed to people with who they are in daily contact, who they may therefore have already infected).

I missed the wedding of a good friend because I caught chickenpox shortly before, the spots coming out the night before the wedding. I knew there would be elderly relatives at the wedding for whom a bout of chickenpox would be a more serious thing than it was for me, plus who's to say there wouldn't be pregnant women attending also?

Your friend really needs to consider whether they should attend. To be blunt - does she want to risk being responsible for the untimely end of the bride or groom's frail granny/granddad?

Original poster
lisad123 · 04/07/2011 09:28

well got a text this morning, her DD has come out in spots too :(

DH has been having treatment for over 2 years now, we are pretty ok with it now, and its just part of life, but thank you for your thoughts.

Wondering now if she will take her DD if spots are not crusted over. My DD2 is quite poorly, crying in pain and running a temp :( poor darling.

OP posts:
Original poster
lisad123 · 04/07/2011 09:45

she just texted and said well on the children who are at the wedding have had it now anyways!!
There are two little ones going, both under a year, plus my husband, plus load of older people. so Angry

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 04/07/2011 09:46

If her dd has now come out in spots, the chances are they'll be scabbed over by the weekend, it usually takes about 5 days from the first spot.

But I am suspecting she's worked that out and told you to save face? :)

TickTockPillow · 04/07/2011 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinIsASadSpottyFatRhino · 04/07/2011 10:01

there isa two week incubation period though so even if the girls are going to get it they wont show they have for a week or so yet