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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think friend is being selfish! Chicken Pox

49 replies

lisad123 · 03/07/2011 13:49

DD2 has come out in chicken pox, so texted all friends to tell them just in case. Saw friend earlier today (DH was at home with DD2)
I told her about pox, as her DD is in same nursery class as DD2. We are all meant to be going to a wedding on saturday and her DDs are bridemaids. When I said we might not be going unless dd2 has scabbed over, her reply was "well I have spent too much money on this wedding, even if DDs get them, we are going!! Its not dangerous really anyways"!! she then went on to say, that the kids are infectious, 2 weeks before the spots so whats the difference?!
AIBU to think she is being very selfish? DH is having chemo, and we are just praying he still have immunity to it :( but Im sure there are plently out there who could do without getting it

OP posts:

TrinIsASadSpottyFatRhino · 04/07/2011 10:02

xposts with ticktock, sorry

Original poster

lisad123 · 04/07/2011 10:02

thanks ticktock, you put it so much better than i can :)

OP posts:

DollyTwat · 04/07/2011 10:06

I doubt her children will feel well enough
She obv dorsnt know how awful it makes kids feel
Might be a better way of getting her to do the right thing would be to point that out, that they'll be ill and crying, and to arrange sone childcare because of that?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 04/07/2011 10:12

My dd's missed all the chicken pox rounds at pre school for some reason. I assumed they were just never going to get them. The eldest ones made it to 6 and 9 then all 3 got it one after the other. They were ill for a good few weeks

iscream · 04/07/2011 10:16

YANBU! She's horrible. Does the bride to be know about this? Maybe she will un-invite her since she is too ignorant to do the right thing.

xstitch · 04/07/2011 10:27

YANBU and I agree withiscream, I would tip off the bride.

I am getting married on Saturday and if someone knowingly turned up with CP I would be furious. I am pregnant and don'r want to lose another child. I would be incredibly stressed (instead of enjoying my wedding) for 3 weeks even though my blood tests show immunity.

I have also seen people lying in ITU with CP. I know at least one of my guests is on a cytokine modulator so would be at high risk of infection. I would feel responsible if one of the other guests knowingly put them a risk. There is no way of knowing what risk group others may fall into.

Is there noone who can watch them if they do come don with it then your friend can still go.

What have you given dd so far OP, its horrible that she is suffering ppor thing. HAs your DH contacted the GP to discuss immunoglobulin due to known contact?

whoneedssleepanyway · 04/07/2011 10:33

OP she hasn't done anything wrong yet and I imagine if her DDs did get the pox she might well change her mind....when DD1 had it there would have been no way we could have taken her to a wedding even if we had wanted to, she was really really poorly.

So I say with-hold your judgement until she actually does something stupid. She is making silly remarks but hasn't actually acted on them yet.

xstitch · 04/07/2011 10:35

I think her remarks are more than silly. I would go as far as saying they are cruel and horrible. If any of my friends/ acquaintances made such a comment they would go down significantly in my estimation.

WinkyWinkola · 04/07/2011 10:38

Whilst I think it's a very very bad idea to take children with cp out in public, I don't think it's necessarily so very "awful" when they have cp.

Obviously we all know extreme cases of people reacting badly to common childhood diseases but remember, there are the majority of cases where children are a bit itchy, feel a bit unwell, have a few spots and then they're fine after a week.

Sometimes I feel there's an awful lot of hysteria about things like this that aren't representative of the reality for the majority of the population and serve to distort the reality. And of course by majority, I don't mean all the population.

But let me reiterate again, if you know your dcs have cp, you should avoid mingling with people until they're crusted over.

whoneedssleepanyway · 04/07/2011 10:40

I don't know her but it is the kind of thing I can imagine someone saying a bit tongue in cheek, and when it came to the crunch she may well think again.

Chicken pox is a horrible horrible illness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but the reality is that you have generally done a fair amount of damage and passed it on before you are even aware that you have it...

OP if you really really think she would turn up with infectious children then I think maybe an appropriately worded email from the bride along the lines of "I heard lisad's DD has chicken pox, sorry to be a pain but if your DDs did come down with it, it wouldn't really be possible for them to come to the wedding as there are pregnant women etc etc who I wouldn't want exposed..."

Spuddybean · 04/07/2011 10:45

On a personal note - my DP and i booked a week away last week to ttc (he travels loads and this was a fertile week when we would be in the same time zone for once) and someone sat a child with chicken pox next to him on a plane days before we were due to go (they believed all adults had had it and all kids should so what was the harm!).
The upshot was we arrived at the hol; him feeling like shite, had to call the doc out, spent 8 days in a remote cottage nursing him and defo no ttc!
He is still poorly 10 days later. It has totally knocked him on his arse - he is a strapping 16 stone 6ft2in fit ex army type so god knows what it would do to someone with a weaker immune system!

Very very selfish (can you tell i'm angry), sorry for ranting!

oh and YANBU

lazylula · 04/07/2011 10:46

She wbu to take them if they have them, but to the person who said they will almost certainly get them as they go to the same nursery, not necessarily ds is 5 and a half and has been contact with cp socially, at pre school and now school and still has not had it, neither has ds2. We had a similar fear last year ds' were being page boys at sil's wedding and had been in contact with cp several times. The plan was if one went down with it, my mum would care for them while we went. It would have been sad for them and us but one of those things!

Original poster

lisad123 · 04/07/2011 10:50

She has got them, spot came this morning! shes been texting me telling me it will be ok as all children going have had them! (they havent and i know 2 under the age of 1 year are going, one who has been in GOSH on and off since birth!)

OP posts:

whoneedssleepanyway · 04/07/2011 10:58

To be fair they probably won't be contagious by the weekend as after 5 days they tend to scab over, my DD was still v poorly though by day 5 and would not have been able to go to a wedding let alone get trussed up in a bridesmaid dress....

I think under the circumstances it would be very selfish of her to go.

hester · 04/07/2011 11:01

My dd developed chicken pox just as we boarded a plane. I saw two little spots, panicked, decided that (a) I didn't know it was chicken pox yet, and (b) I couldn't bear losing my holiday.

Big mistake. If I'd had even 30 minutes to think about it before taking that decision, I would have taken a different one.

We flew to a country where chicken pox isn't as universal as it is here - we probably infected loads of people, on the plane and while we were there. One of those people was an elderly relative who got really ill and has permanent damage to her sight and hearing as a consequence.

Boy, do I feel guilty. I was panicked, had seconds to make a decision based on ambiguous evidence, and I made the wrong call. It's just not worth the risk.

TickTockPillow · 04/07/2011 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TickTockPillow · 04/07/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 04/07/2011 11:04

I am immunosuppressed and when ds had CP aged 4 the hospital put me up in a hotel!Hugely dangerous to some people she is selfish

thederkinsdame · 04/07/2011 11:05

Tell the bride, especially if one of the LOs has a compromised immune system and if she isn't bothered I would tell the mother of the child who's been in GOSH myself - far better to piss a grown up off that risk the health of a baby due to someone's ignorance and stupidity.

I would also tell your friend how U she is being. Mention your DH. Mention the baby and ask her whether she'd like it on her conscience. After all, she can get a refund on the money she's spent (presumably). I doubt the parents of the baby with the compromised immune system will be sympathetic if their baby ends up back in hospital just so she can have a jolly.

xstitch · 04/07/2011 11:45

What thederkinsdame said. Obviously I would hope she was completely scabbed over by Saturday but that is not the point. Very sad that she is prepared to risk someone's life for a day out. Its not healthy children who are at particular risk of CP. Its those in at risk groups and she cannot know how many of them will be at the wedding.

People are saying it is a relatively small risk but it is an avoidable one.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2011 14:22

OP, I would tip off the bride. You don't have to make a big song and dance, just drop it into the conversation when you update her with the status of your own children - e.g. "What are your plans for bridesmaids, now that A and B have chickenpox? They'll still be infectious on the day."

Not saying this is a likely scenario for your bride, but I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant at my wedding and hadn't told anyone yet (too early). I was not immune to chickenpox (catching it three years later), so had anyone turned up with chickenpox I could well have had problems.

The risk to others is small, but it is not your friend's place to decide that others should take that risk. And certainly not when her decision is based on what she has spent on dresses.

Original poster

lisad123 · 06/07/2011 09:25

Bride knows, and feels same as me
Friend suggested she just put on makeup to cover it up , but bride is saying no, but is fully aware this friend is a strong personality, and is struggling to get point across. Also heard the unreasonable friend is mad at me for pointing out risks to others!

OP posts:

xstitch · 06/07/2011 09:35

She's no friend if she is prepared to put other people's health knowingly and avoidably in danger

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2011 11:15

"this friend is a strong personality" - you are very diplomatic, Lisa!

So are you saying that the bride doesn't want these girls as Typhoid Mary wannabes bridesmaids given their infectious status, and your friend is trying to override the bride??

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