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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People picking up my baby!

32 replies

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:15

No idea if i'm being unreasonable or not but it does/did feck me off when this happens.

In park today, and bumped into friend of DP and wife who came and sat with us for a bit. DP and mate go and get ice creams for us, leaving me with wifey, who i've met once before (and who is very nice by the way, I like her). DS (5 months) starts crying as is a bit tired and has been under-the-weather anyway. I pick him up and start to comfort him, knowing that he'll eventually have a zizz on me. Wifey leans over after less than a minute and when i'm not even remotely looking stricken, and before I know it has taken DS with a "here, let me have a go" and proceeds to pace up and down the area of the park jigging DS and swinging him around on his front. Unsurprisingly this doesn't work, and after watching through gritted teeth for a while I sort of grow some balls and suggest that DS might want a lie down instead and she hands him back.

My cleaner also does this if DS cries when she's around and declares that he is hungry whilst jiggling the poor sod (I know he's not), as does DPs Aunty, AND a work colleague of DPs who everytime we bump into her asks for a cuddle (fine) but will not hand DS back unless asked, even if he's bawling.

For the record, I like all of these people, but don't know them that well. Is it just me being a possessive nutter of DS, or AIBU to think that I would never just pick up/take someone-who-I-don't-know-that-well's baby without them asking me to hold, or me asking to have a cuddle with (non-crying) baby?

I'm guessing people are just being nice and thinking they're trying to help, and that if i'm not happy I should grow nuts and just straight-up ask for him back or not give him to them, but that's sometimes easier said than done if you don't want to offend anyone.... am I weird or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/07/2011 21:18

I think it's fairly natural.

It's not something that used to bother me unless I knew for an absolute fact my kids needed rocking to sleep in the buggy or something.

Then I'd say "No, this is what he needs" quite firmly.

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:20

Tbh it's not the holding or having a cuddle that particularly bothers me, but if someone else's baby was crying, I would never be like "oh give them to me", and take them off mum, especially if I didn't know them that well

Think I do need to grow a pair!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/07/2011 21:22

I get what you're saying but it's pretty difficult to wrestle a baby off of someone who is not willing to part with it.

Perhaps you need to practice a sweet but firm smile and kind of turn your body away at the same time...so they realise you're not ok with it?

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 21:26

It's not on to just swipe your baby, but you have to bear in mind that little babies can do things to a person and they want to get in as many cuddles as they can before handing them back

It's good you're trying to see them as helping, and I can understand you feeling protective over you DS, but they're not judging you as a bad mum they just want to get their mitts on him.

Revel in it

DeWe · 02/07/2011 21:37

Don't quite get why you're watching with gritted teeth. She probably thought it would be nice for you to eat your ice cream in peace and have a little break. Either say "Thanks for offering, but he settles better on me. He's a bit under the weather today." or hand him over and see if he settles, then say "I think I'd better take him back, he'll sleep in the buggy, which is what he needs".
If you don't want people to hold him you can say so, because plenty of mums are happy to have a short break while someone else holds, so people can't know unless you refuse.

CocoPopsAddict · 02/07/2011 21:40

Just don't let go of your baby.

It works the other way round too - if someone is holding your baby and you want him back, just go over and take him.

If you are assertive as his mother then... well, it works.

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 21:42

But that only works if you're prepared for them not to speak to you again for being so rude coco, or for a possible tussle while you don't let go.

Omigawd · 02/07/2011 21:48

Unless they are paedo child slavers, roll with it.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 02/07/2011 21:51

Like you said these people are trying to help and TBH personally never phased me much unless I really knew that baby needed fed/put down to sleep etc.
In fact there are times that I have been grateful or the baby has stopped crying instantly someone else takes over.

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:53

I know it's people just being nice (I think), I just think it's odd as something I would personally never do without knowing someone well. I know I should be more assertive but as agentzigzag says, I suspect it would offend the people in question if I was to march over and take back (hence the sitting with gritted teeth for a while). Not pissed off with someone having a cuddle, and maybe I should be grateful for a break, but when baby is upset I wouldn't just take off Mum, and that's why I was annoyed as wanted to settle him and I know most of the time what works.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/07/2011 21:54

I have the opposite problem

People tend to dump their babies in my arms if I so much as pay them a compliment.

I much prefer to admire the gurgling little snot bags from afar to be honest

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:54

I think the question is:

Would/have you ever taken a baby off a Mum you don't know well when baby is crying and they haven't asked you too?

OP posts:

somethingwitty82 · 02/07/2011 21:55

I always found it best to ignore them.

Just say 'oh hes just xyz' breezily

Whilst smiling but turning around

gets the point across without making an issue

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:55

worraliberty

OP posts:

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 02/07/2011 21:56

oops bad grammer, 'to' not 'too'

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 21:59

Asking for either of mine back when they were babies I'd just say 'Come on then you, time to come back to your mum for a nap change/feed' and the other person was always fine with it.

It's then you get the lines that they're glad to have a cuddle but glad to hand them back, while I was secretly feeling smug I had them on tap

worraliberty · 02/07/2011 22:05

I'd never ask for mine back and could often be seen running out of the park at top speed

purplepidjin · 02/07/2011 22:06

As a person with no children who's mates are sprogging like nobody's business, I think the other woman was very rude! I have been known to change nappies, feed and rock my mate's babies (and am apparently surprisingly good at it for someone with no experience!) but always get at least an eye flick of approval before starting! Normally accompanied with a sigh of relief.

I would never take a baby from Mum's arms without being expressly handed said child. So imo YANBU!!

Henwelly · 02/07/2011 22:06

I always ask regardless of crying or not "is it ok for a cuddle" or if the Mum is looking stressed " would you like me to have a go". I do give mum a chance to respond!!!

Recently I was at a BBQ and my friends girlfriend was not enjoying herself as their DD kept crying and fussing - she was breastfed and was being a bit of a pickle, wanting some comfort feeding!!! So I offered to take her to give her mum a break - she sat on my lap happily for ages whilst Mum enjoyed her food and a natter - so sometimes people genuinely want to be a help

Ishani · 02/07/2011 22:11

Just don't let them have him, if somebody tried that with my son they'd be given the don't fucking touch him look.

TYBear · 02/07/2011 22:14

I had a friend who didn't believe that my DD basically never slept 'oh, but babies sleep lots..' so insisted on trying to get her to sleep.

I took the chance to have a shower and get dressed, put some laundry on, give the bathroom a wipe over and load the dishwasher. When I went back up to the bedroom to see how she (in her infinite motherhood-wisdom) was getting on I found her rocking DD back and forth manically saying 'she just won't sleep'. No, thats what I've been telling you!

I think some just want an excuse to hold a yummy baby and others are convinced that they know better, some want to cuddle a baby and think they know best!

kaumana · 02/07/2011 22:23

They are just trying to help, if you are not happy with the situation say so. TBH I would have been overjoyed with so many people offering to help.

If I was in your situation with so many hands on I'd be legging it to the nearest cafe/pub..

Tallulah1978 · 02/07/2011 22:26

With my Ds1, I can rememeber DPC friend's girlfriend whom I had never met being one of the first people to visit (much to my dismay) turned up with her teenage daughter with the dirtiest fingernails and they just kind of took him from as soon as the arrived and then proceeded to pass DS between themselves. I took every ounce of self control not to snatch him back. I was struggling to breath. In the end I abruptly stood up, announced he needed breastfeeding and took him off to the bedroom and stayed thre until they had gone. I hated them having him, as I say it took all my self control to not shout 'get your grotty hands off my 2 week old son!' The next time we saw them he was about 1 year old and as soon as we arrived she was pawing at him in my arms and started to take him without asking, I turned slightly, smiled sweetly and said 'Oh, I think he's fine for now, thanks, maybe later eh?'

YANBU. If you want your baby back or you don't want him held, you bloody do what you feel and don't question that feeling in your belly.

Suncottage · 02/07/2011 22:42

I was once on holiday in a resort and a woman next to me asked if I would hold her baby while she went on the flume rides with her little daughter.

Didn't know her from Adam.

She was in a HUGE group of people and after that they all dumped gave their babies to me to hold while they swam, frolicked and cavorted in the pools. I was a tad nonplussed but honoured that they trusted me.

I wanted to go down the flume rides but I had little Henri/Olivier/Sebastian/Elisabeth to hold.

I still think that is strange but maybe it is different in France

Omigawd · 02/07/2011 23:14

Actually I think it's the French who are normal, it's only the Brits who are like this IME - it's also why this is the sort of country where men trying to help small lost girls in shops are immediately thought of as paedos etc....

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