To think it's odd to ignore your children for 30mins while a stranger entertains them

[lecce]

I take my dc, aged 4.4 and 23 months to an activity in which they have separate classes - the one for the eldest takes place after the younger one's lesson and parents have to leave the room so ds2 and I have 45 minutes to kill in a hall outside the classroom each week. I always take toys and snacks to occupy him, though he prefers to run around shouting, make himself dizzy, try and climb in the bin etc.

This week there was another family who also had dc of different ages attending the two classes - usually we are the only ones- and they had twins of a similar age to ds2 to wait with while their elder dd had her class.

Soon after the second class started I was busy following ds2 around the hall when I noticed the twins had got hold of ds1's backpack full of toys he occupies himself with while ds2 has his lesson. They were taking stuff out and playing with it. The mother was texting or gaming on her phone, she told them to stop, they didn't, she carried on with her phone activities. I was not overly concerned but just a bit worried that something would get lost and did think it a bit odd that she didn't do more to stop them - if my dc took another child's toys I would tell them to put it back until I was sure the other child was happy to share. I was more than happy for them to play with the toys btw, but thought it odd she let them help themselves while I was across the other side of the (large) room.

I made my way back to the seating area where the twins were playing with several of our toys, and the other mother said, "Sorry, I forgot to bring them any toys!" I said, "Don't be silly, it's fine," and she smiled and went back to her phone.

For the next 30 minutes or so I played with/read to all three dc while she played with her phone. She was sitting about 4 chairs away from us. At no point did she interact with me or her dc until the older dc came out. Her dc were clearly attracted to me, ds2 and our toys and books and didn't really go to her except to wander over a couple of times but they came straight back as she pretty much ignored them when they did this.

Now, it was fine, her dc were lovely, ds2 was entertained by them so I was saved from chasing him around so much and they helped me pack the toys away when I asked them to with no complaints. Great - I even quite enjoyed it. But I did think it very odd the way she ignored them, and me, like that. I feel I basically provided her with 30 minutes free childcare didn't I? Or AIBU to feel that way?

Oh really, I wouldn't know, chocolat . I have 2 pre-schoolers, the youngest of whom still feeds all. Through. The . Fucking. Night. I have a full-time, stressful job and a fab SAH dh who has a medical condition that causes fatigue, meaning I am scared to let him help me out with ds2 at night. Trust me, I know all about feeling that I 'have nothing left' - it's how I feel most of the time (half-joking, half at the most.)

I'm sure she was tired but she was a little out of order for assuming that I am less tired than her just because I have one less child than her (or you are, I don't know if she assumed that, obviously.)

Okay, I didn't mean it to come across that I am more tired than you- I just meant that I can understand it from her perspective too.

I make assumptions and you make assumptions - there are things that could be going on in her life that are unimaginably horrible, and she just needed a bit of time out. Or, she could just be a lazy so-and-so!

Why is it that so many children with neglectful parents are lovely, friendly and unspoiled? I want MY children to be the extra-nice ones, but it is usually the kids of the parents who never play who are really friendly.

By the way, that mother of twins sounds really annoying to me. She could easily have said: "Thank you so much for helping me out; I was desperate for a few minutes of peace. I must seem like a really selfish mum, but I'm so exhausted." With a nice smile this would have made all the difference to me.

Blimey, she said sorry and OP said it was fine and started reading to the kiddies. Perhaps she was feeling, awkward, tired and shy in front of someone who had turned up prepared with a bagful of toys and books.

If you had tried to engage her, talked about the kiddies and the class and stuff, but been ignored, then YANBU. But, if you'd just got on with it and had a good time with her kids, then YABU. Perhaps she'll return the favour next week. I'm all for group parenting, life's hard enough.

Yes, I know what you mean but I suppose I think that if you need some time-out, you don't rely on a stranger to make it possibile. We have no babysitters nearby, I am shattered but I wouldn't have done what she did. I do go to small, free soft-play in town where they love it and I can sit with a coffee, though - that is an appropriate place to sit and ignore your dc for a bit - th place I was in yeasterday wasn't.

Sorry that was to chocolat and yes, snailoon I would have loved it if she'd said something like that and would have felt a complete bitch thinking anything remotely negative about her.

Op you work full time and have "quality time" with your DCs when you find opportunities to parent them individually. Other mother has twins and is probably with them all the time. This is probably why they are happy to content themselves and she doesn't feel the need to offer constant stimulation. You do admit that half the time your DC would be happier running around than interacting with you.

I do think in her situation I would have made conversation with you but she may be shy/ have found you intimidating/ been having a bad day. I'm sure if it is going to be a regular thing you will get to know each other eventually and perhaps you could make the first move adult to adult with her next time.

Sometimes it can actually be quite annoying when your children are entertaining themselves quite happily and another mother wants to play with them - it makes you feel as if you have to join in when you really don't want or need to.

I rarely have anything I need, and yet there are these organised mothers pulling out snacks and toys that my DCs then decide they need.

I am half-joking (having had too much wine), but sometimes it can put too much pressure on the lazy mother.

And I am joking really, because I am certainly the type of mother that would have immediately sat down on the floor with you all and joined in and made conversation. It's just the wine that's making me feel like the mother I would sometimes like to be......

YANBU - the other mother should have at least said thanks or made an effort at some sort of interaction. I agree she may have felt intimidated by your prepared parenting though and/or taken advantage of a half hours peace. I think you should just let it go..... (unless she is there next week in which case I suggest you try initating a conversation and she how it goes from there).

My DB and DSIL have annoying form of dumping their kids on my parents/siblings/me when they come to stay and I find it very selfish behaviour. They will 'pop' out to the shops for hours on end without asking beforehand. Grrrr

howabout Can't really argue with any of that, damn you

chocolat That's twice on this thread someone has described me as organised - not the kind of mother I usually see myself as! I have to give ds1 all the credit for the toys - he packs his own backpack each week and those are what ds2 plays with. One week, ds1 had got a new sticker-book and decided it was all he wanted. Ds2 and I were toyless that week . I would never forget the snacks though, as ds2 would start demanding bf if I did that and he's way too big to do it discreetly now.

OP, parents like that annoy me too; it's as if they think everyone owes them childcare!

A friend of mine and her husband are a bit like that. We went to a barbecue at a friend's house a few weeks ago and her 13 month old DD crawled off round the front of the house and onto the footpath, whilst my friend sat drinking wine. After that I felt obliged to keep an eye on her DD as my friend and her husband just didn't watch her at all.

In your position, I would have given the child polite answers but focussed on my child and hoped they got the hint

Yanbu - how very rude of her!

She was a bit rude but it does seem to have bothered you disproportionately. If you've enjoyed yourself then where's the problem?

YANBU, there are givers and takers in this world. The takers have children but carry on being inconsiderate and taking advantage of peoples' good will. Activate, it has nothing to do with the age of the OP's children and everything to do with this woman having no manners!

I think it is very odd to say to the other parent in this contained environment something that suggests you are unhappy about this.....'sorry'......'well good because it is really very annoying having to entertain your twins. I would rather relax to but can't as i seem to have acquired 2 children, oh hang on are they yours?'

This happened to me and My DP yesterday at the beach. We obviously wanted a family day, I had brought my DS's (4) truck and bucket and spade. My DP was going with him to the sea to mess about with these toys whilst i was breastfeeding my 3 month old. Then a woman arrives with a 18 month old, he heads straight to DS at waters edge to play with DS's toys, fine, although i don't think my DS wanted to play the way a toddler does. My DP ends up looking after him at the waters edge by default! The mother was sitting talking with childless friend, then 2 more friends arrived without children and the ignoring continued. She could see we were together and that my DS (bless him) felt obliged to be nice to a small-scale child so couldn't play with his truck how he wanted. I just think it is really selfish behaviour!

Wisecamel, the woman needed to initiate any conversation as her child was the one to impose themselves on the OP. 'Group' parenting is great if that's what happens but more often than not the advocators of this concept are putting a 'name' to lazy parenting- IMO!

This seems to be turning into a thread about stopping children playing with other children. I always thought that this was fine - unless people made it obvious it wasn't? I mean, I always think it's nice when children played together, I didn't realise that anyone would be annoyed by it. I assumed that others liked their children to play with other children too