To think it's odd to ignore your children for 30mins while a stranger entertains them

[lecce]

I take my dc, aged 4.4 and 23 months to an activity in which they have separate classes - the one for the eldest takes place after the younger one's lesson and parents have to leave the room so ds2 and I have 45 minutes to kill in a hall outside the classroom each week. I always take toys and snacks to occupy him, though he prefers to run around shouting, make himself dizzy, try and climb in the bin etc.

This week there was another family who also had dc of different ages attending the two classes - usually we are the only ones- and they had twins of a similar age to ds2 to wait with while their elder dd had her class.

Soon after the second class started I was busy following ds2 around the hall when I noticed the twins had got hold of ds1's backpack full of toys he occupies himself with while ds2 has his lesson. They were taking stuff out and playing with it. The mother was texting or gaming on her phone, she told them to stop, they didn't, she carried on with her phone activities. I was not overly concerned but just a bit worried that something would get lost and did think it a bit odd that she didn't do more to stop them - if my dc took another child's toys I would tell them to put it back until I was sure the other child was happy to share. I was more than happy for them to play with the toys btw, but thought it odd she let them help themselves while I was across the other side of the (large) room.

I made my way back to the seating area where the twins were playing with several of our toys, and the other mother said, "Sorry, I forgot to bring them any toys!" I said, "Don't be silly, it's fine," and she smiled and went back to her phone.

For the next 30 minutes or so I played with/read to all three dc while she played with her phone. She was sitting about 4 chairs away from us. At no point did she interact with me or her dc until the older dc came out. Her dc were clearly attracted to me, ds2 and our toys and books and didn't really go to her except to wander over a couple of times but they came straight back as she pretty much ignored them when they did this.

Now, it was fine, her dc were lovely, ds2 was entertained by them so I was saved from chasing him around so much and they helped me pack the toys away when I asked them to with no complaints. Great - I even quite enjoyed it. But I did think it very odd the way she ignored them, and me, like that. I feel I basically provided her with 30 minutes free childcare didn't I? Or AIBU to feel that way?

you gave her permission by saying "don't be silly I don't mind" and by then reading to children and interacting with them

if you didn't want to you should have said "time to go back to mummy now"

but really if you're the type of parent who reads out loud to their child in a public place then it's no great burden to have some extra ones listening to the story surely?

sorry, you read 4 stories and kept going? who are you Mary Poppins?

I have 2 dc, activtate as I stated - I was with ds2 at the time. I have said several times that it was no great bother to me and that I even enjoyed it BUT that I found it odd and rude the way she ignored us all. What does concern me is that if she starts attending the class every week the same thing may happen every week, and that would piss me off, frankly. Btw, I know this may not turn out to be the case.

then you have 2 young children I'll bet

reads OP properly - yes you have two pre-schoolers - its the same thing as being a first-timer IMO - all new

I'm not sure how many stories I read, I just stated that as an easy way of saying I would have appreciated her joining in a bit. I may have read four or more, though. I'm not Mary Poppins, firm but kind as I am, but I work f/t so I like to make the most of the weekend. That 40 minutes when ds1 is in his lesson is a really good opportunity for me that have some 1 to 1 with ds2.

take him to a cafe or park next week then

Well, yes it would obviously be different if the dc involved were older. They wouldn't require so much, if any, interaction, would they? I don't really see your point.

Cafe or park would be lovely - I'm starting to hate that hall but parents are not allowed to leave the premisis.

YABU and passive aggressive to say "it's fine" to her face about the toys, play with them - she didn't ask you, and to then POP up here and bitch.

Oh ffs. When I said it was fine, it was - I didn't know she was going to ignore us for the next 30 minutes at that point. I continued to play because I was quite enjoying it, as was my dsand her dc - I wouldn't have taken it out on them that I found her behaviour odd. I'm not really bitching about her, I just want to see what others think. To me, that's what this board is for, I don't understand people who compare it to bitching amongst your friends about one of your other friends.

I used to do the same as you, OP, when I had one child

after I had my twins, though, if anyone so much as looked like they were going to entertain 'em, I'd've been off down the pub for half an hour

...you had a lucky escape- specially if she had two other dcs as well!

if my DD stalks plays with a child at the park or soft play i'll speak to the parents if their nearby but if another kid comes over and wants to join in and im having mummy daughter time i give them short answers and always turn back to DD to give the blatant impression that im busy with DD and not interested in them. that sounds meaner than i actually do it but im sure you all know what i mean

I think it's really sad that some people do not know how know how to play with their kids and keep them entertained. Similar thing happened to me on the bus last week. I got on with my 3month old dd. A family, mother son, daughter and grandmother got on at the next stop. The daughter approx age 3 attached herself to me and dd, she was very sweet and wanted to look at the baby and chat to me. She tried to stand up and the mum yelled at her from the back of the bus, i explained that she had to sit down when the bus was moving, no surprise she sat down calmly next to me. We then spent the rest of the journey counting red cars out the window. I felt very sorry for this little girl as she just wanted something to keep her entertained.

I think this might just be a difference in parenting style, plus the difference between having twins and a single child. I've a 16mths gap between my children and in those circumstances (ie an empty hall) they probably would have mostly entertained themselves because they would have interacted with each other. So I'm not sure I would have thought it that much different if they had instead played with another family. I might have just thought 'well that's them sorted' and switched off.

I can see why the OP is concerned about repeat performances though.

Well OP you obviously don't think you're being unreasonable so why ask?
You have said that the mum should have checked if the child was bothering you but have also said that they weren't bothering you so it's a complete non event afaic.

And lizzie no offence but what did you expect the childs mother to do other than shout at her to sit down if she was nowhere near her and the bus was moving? And how do you derive from your experience that the mum doesn't know how to play with her child? Your post reads pretty smuggly tbh.

I think the poncey term for this style of parenting is 'benign neglect'. Which is basically a wanky way of saying that you really can't be arsed engaging with your own kids on a regular basis and are happy to let someone else entertain them.

tsk

if she has twins, trust me, she will be "engaging with them on a regular basis"

roughly 19/20 hours out of every 24

Its hard isn't it. I go to soft play with my dd who is nearly 5, and yes it is also so I can read a magazine and drink a coffee with her playing happily. 9 times out of 10 she finds a little friend and runs round happy. The last 2 times she has latched onto very small children playing with a parent there and I do feel gulity. The first time I kept taking her away and it was just really horrible as the dad was being a bit funny, second time I ended up having coffee with the mum while dd played with the little one. I do find it difficult to take her away from a place where she is usually able to play by herself if other adults choose to go in.

YANB totally U - she didn't show much interest in her own DC or much emotional intelligence, but you were not assertive and could have said something.

DS (2.10) tends to follow other kids around at parks or soft play, moreso recently since I'm no longer able to climb about with him (37 weeks pregnant). I usually try to at least keep in viewing distance, mainly to make sure he's not obviously out-staying his welcome. DS doesn't take hints very well... in fact, he usually doesn't heed irritated kids shouting "GO AWAY!!" at him either, without me explicitly telling him it's time to find somewhere else to play and steering him away lol.

In your situation, I think I'd have assumed the same thing the mother did: that you were OK with my kid playing with yours. I wouldn't have ignored you all though, especially if we were all in the same room (different in huge soft play areas where I might not be in easy conversation distance with parents). I'd definitely have taken the opportunity to sit down and rest, but would have at least tried to chat in between books, even if only to tell DS to say thank you for the story.

Some parents are just like that OP, think whatever they are doing is more important than their DCs. A few years ago my sister and her family went on holiday and said they felt like an unofficial childcare centre as other parents sat around and drank/played cards on their own balcony, etc while their children went off and found parents who would actually spend time with their DCsand attached to them.

Well, quim, what can I say? No one has yet convinced me that it is not odd to sit four chairs away from your own dc and totally ignore them while a stranger plays with them. Anyway, quite a few people have said IANBU so there .

wooley I think your situation is a little different as, as you say, the adults have gone into a place intended for children where your dd is used to playing independently. I have had similar situations in playgrounds when ds1 has latched onto a family while I have been busy with ds2 (He walked and climbed from 11 months so I had no choice but to follow him around - he could not be left - he had no fear or common sense!) It is awkward in that sort of situation but it's different in my situation because I had no choice but to be there. I think the man who you say was being "a bit funny" was a bit of an arse - you surely don't go to soft-play to get some one-to-one quality time with your dc, it's crowded and manic and other dc are going to be there. I can sympathise with you as you are used to being able to have a coffee in peace and probably go to soft-play partly for that purpose. If the mum in my situation wanted some 'me' time, then wasn't the time to have it IMO and she should at least have brought some toys for her dc to play with.

I honestly didn't want to say anything or put a stop to it this time but I will if it becomes a regular occurence. I agree I will have to be more assertive if this happens.

She's knackered, she's got 3 pre-schoolers including twins, she's making the effort to do Tumble Tots, or whatever it is - she wants a sit down and a break!

I completely understand what you are saying OP, but equally, after 4 DCs, I have been on the other side too. Sometimes, when you really have got nothing left, it is lovely to just sit down, without explaining, and let someone else take the lead.

YANBU! I witness it all the time, particularly with my own family. I have a nephew the same age as my DD, 2 years old and I also have two 6 year old nieces and a 10 year old nephew. Whenever we are all at my parents' house, my siblings seem to forget about the children and my poor Dparents have to run around after all of them. If one if them falls over it hurts themselves, the respective parent just sits there.

I had a long time to watch this over the years before having my own DD so I make sure that I don't put my parents out when I go around. Some people may think that it's different when it's family, buy I think it's all about respecting other people and their property.