Am I in the wrong here?

[redrollers]

So we just get back from hols this morning,all very tired, and I am feeling particularly shit because I think I have throat infection. But I managed to get DS out of the car and into bed, and 3 suitcases out of the car. DH put on half a load of his own clothes into the washing machine

Anyway DH just asked could he take my phone out of the charger, because he was going out, his was dead. So an hour later, he starts screaming and shouting because it wasn't actually turned on.
Now I can understand it's a bit of a pain in the arse, but is it my fault?

TBH, there is a bigger story and I actually think he's lost the plot.

I had also booked a cab for him and he had a fit because it took me one minute to tell him that the cab was outside after they sent a text message.
He's gone off ranting, and now sending me messages about how I'm not sick, basically accusing me of lying because I didn't want to go out tonight.

Has he any good points?

He sounds like a total shit. I feel very sorry for you and your DS, creeping around trying not to upset this 'man'. He sounds like he thinks he's entitled to this treatment, too.

This behaviour sounds alot like my husband at his worst. We had to hit rock bottom before things improved. I did walk out with the kids and stayed at my parents for a while, luckily I was able to do this whilst I got my head straight and laid a few things on the line. I felt resentful at his behaviour but also resentful because he was changing me and making me angry, stressed and very short with our 2 DDs.
It is exhausting living like this and I really feel for you. It sounds like you're at rock bottom now. You need to confront him as it sounds as though he isn't even aware of the affect he's having, especially sending that text saying he wishes you were there. Do you have somewhere you can stay for a little while to get some peace to sort your own feelings out? Parents? Sister?
My DH ended up getting antidepressants from the GP and he then opened up about alot of stuff in his past. Things are so much better now, but he still has bad days. But I know that I really do love him and care about him and he feels the same. And I know that the good far outweighs the bad. You need some space to think and you have to ask yourself the same.

i can't think of any good at the moment
Asinine, yes he hasn't adapted at all, he still lives his life like he is single, does whatever he wants
jeckadeck, that's not harsh, it's the truth, I know it.
Goofymum, I'm glad things worked out for you, but I think we might be past the point of no return.
I can't talk to him without him flying off the handle

Does he know how strongly you feel and how unhappy his behaviour is making you?

Did he acknowedge how you feel when you told him, or was he just defensive and trying to pass the buck onto you?

yeah, agentzigzag, he knows what a big deal this is
sometimes he is calm and sad that things aren't right, and tbh he knows he's a failure as a father and I think it kills him, but he can't change things to make it right
sometimes I do wonder whether it's some sort of chemical imbalance or some sort of disorder.I've read a bit about abuse and behaviour disorders and narcissism, he fits in certain pockets but tbh where does that diagnosis get me? If he can't face up to it himself?

What advice would you give to a mum on here who felt they hadn't bonded with their DC and found it difficult to relate to them?

3 YO can be a very difficult time with a DC, they are a PITA there's no doubt about it.

I think my advice would be to seek all the help that's available, if people are offering advice, be open minded and take the advice. Read books, take parenting classes. Speak to your GP. I have asked and asked him to read "how to talk to children so children will listen"

The problem is, he can't be open minded. He can't take advice from me, even though I'm the one that knows DS inside out. He can't be honest with his friends. He puts on this big show that DS and he have great fun together. He has friends that have 3/4 children and will take them away by themselves, look after them for days. I watch fathers with their children in the supermarket or swimming, and long for him to be able to cope with DS. I look at my brother doing everything with his 2 beautiful girls, I look at my own father, who was away a lot when we were kids, but we adored him, he is the loveliest man ever. Never really changed nappies, but nothing else was a problem. It still isn't, and he's probably changed more of his grandchildrens nappies than his own kids!

The thing is, DS is stubborn and wilful and headstrong, just the traits his father has. Ironic?!

DS is not a problem child, I know that.
He's a handful, but adorable.
And the rest of my family, who don't live round the corner, seem to be able to just be with him, have fun, but still discipline him if needs be.
After me, I think my mum knows him best, and she lives 200 miles away. She sees him pretty often, but surely his father should know him better?

It's just sad all round, you're having to watch the two of them wishing they could have the relationship you know they both deserve.

But the question is how to get your DH to make the connection in his head that it's not something out of his control, he's not powerless and it's not too late.

I sometimes say to DH he might have been too harsh in the way he reacted to DD1, but he's open to me saying it (and welcome to say it back at any time, not that he dares has ) if I thought DD was being treated unfairly and nothing changed and it just got worse, I'd feel exactly like you.

Have you been with your DH for long? Was he different before your DS came along?

What you said about your DH using a negative telling off voice all the time rang a bell with me. We have a DD who is a bit older then your DS and she can be difficult (objects to everything/complains about everything/generally awkward etc) and my DH got into the habit of speaking that way and always assuming the worst about what she was doing.

If she was in another room screaming for eg. he would assume that it was because she was fighting with her sibling when in fact she was screaming with laughter (he's slightly hard of hearing) and he would instantly tell her off. When we sat at the table for dinner he would use a telling off voice to start with. She used to be quite naughty at meals times but he would tell her off before she even started.

We always had a strong idea about not undermining each other in front of the children so I let it go on too long (seriously ashamed about that) but eventually I pointed it out to him and he was really upset.

We worked together to make it better which pretty much just involved me just keeping telling him to chill out and listen to his tone of voice. I would point it out when he was doing it and if he was getting too stressed I would tell him to leave the room for a while. It worked eventually as he got out of the habit.

I don't know if this is helpful though as you said that your DH is not interested in your opinion (or something like that) and won't be told what to do by you.

What makes me more concerned is your saying that he tries to control you (when you shower etc). I think some people struggle with the control when they have children as suddenly there is this little person in your life who has a mind of their own and isn't actually a little puppet who will do as you tell them, like they might of thought they would.

Prettymeerkat, thank you, that all sounds very familiar. I'm glad you could work it through

He was very calm(hungover) this morning so I took the opportunity to tell him a few home truths. He listened and seemed to be very receptive. We talked about how he needs to be in control and how that seeps into every aspect of his life. I told him that it's not about me and him anymore it's about his relationship with his son, and I will end our relationship if his behaviour damages our son.
He has taken the "how to talk " book, and he has changed his tone with ds today, who in turn has been lovely, we had some friends round for barbecue and even though we were a bit rushed, he really kept his cool.
I'm not saying things have turned a corner, I dont hold out much hope for us, but I might have got through to him about DS and how his life is in our hands. Will keep the pressure on and I will go to the gp with him and hopefully explain things properly. I'm not expecting miracles, but it's a bit better than this time last night!

You seem very strong and realistic, OP. I hope things work out well for all three of you.

Sounds like you said all the right things. Hope he can respond.

Another book I'd recommend him to read, if he's receptive. is Playful Parenting. It's good on helping to avoid confrontations about little things and entering into a child's mind.

I have that playful parenting book, not got around to reading it myself, will get it out and give that a go too, thanks