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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here?

66 replies

redrollers · 02/07/2011 17:25

So we just get back from hols this morning,all very tired, and I am feeling particularly shit because I think I have throat infection. But I managed to get DS out of the car and into bed, and 3 suitcases out of the car. DH put on half a load of his own clothes into the washing machine

Anyway DH just asked could he take my phone out of the charger, because he was going out, his was dead. So an hour later, he starts screaming and shouting because it wasn't actually turned on.
Now I can understand it's a bit of a pain in the arse, but is it my fault?

TBH, there is a bigger story and I actually think he's lost the plot.

I had also booked a cab for him and he had a fit because it took me one minute to tell him that the cab was outside after they sent a text message.
He's gone off ranting, and now sending me messages about how I'm not sick, basically accusing me of lying because I didn't want to go out tonight.

OP posts:
itsastrawpoll · 02/07/2011 19:10

He sounds like a nob.

I would have bollocked him senseless for only putting half a load of his own clothes in the washing machine tbh, before all the other stuff.

tallulahxhunny · 02/07/2011 19:11

:O how weird tazmin i thought same thing

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:15

If he wasn't DS's dad I would have walked a while ago. DS is 3.7
DH thinks we need to go to see a child psychologist about DS, because he is good for me but his behaviour takes a downturn with DH. To me it's quite simple, DS wants his attention and doesn't like the way he talks to him.
E.g, when DS complained that he wasn't close enough to the table,(wanted to be pushed in) DH asked "how old are you?" in a really derogatory way. And when he tells or asks him to do something, he always does it in a telling off tone. And he seems to never trust him with anything, or always starts off in a negative tone, e.g we were going on a boat, and DH was trying to tell him that he had to be good on the boat but it came out like he was telling him he was being naughty already. DS actually said " i'm not being naughty daddy"

Brian- we have had a lot of conversations about work emails, he is a workaholic, but it's like a vicious circle, I think the emails/facebook/blackberry obsession is part of the stress and tension in his life.
But I start off a conversation about it, and while he says he gets it, he still does it. And at some point I will get it thrown back in my face... "you're checking your emails are you?" I might do it twice a day, he does it 30 times a day
I have asked him to give DS his full attention when he is with him. He has actually been sending work emails, getting annoyed with DS trying to hang off his neck. And then wonders why DS gets annoyed too.

I have told him he has to go to the doctors, yes he's stressed blah blah, he has counselling supposedly to help with anger mgmt, but if today's display is anything to go by, it's not helping.
He has just sent me a text, saying he wishes I was there.
Jekyll and Hyde, and won't take any criticism, so I'm not getting anywhere.

OP posts:
molemesseskilledIpom · 02/07/2011 19:15

I thought that too, sounds as though he is pushing you to get you to dump him so he can leave without feeling guilty about it.

It's horrible but that's the thought I had. I hope to god I'm wrong.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/07/2011 19:19

Your husband doesn't like you child.

You need to leave and not stay for the sake of the child. Both males would be much happier if they didn't live together.

SarahStratton · 02/07/2011 19:21

I'd hate to be a child growing up knowing that my father hates me. Poor little boy. There are times when it's healthier for the child to not be in a Mummy + Daddy family unit. This sounds like one of them :(

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:22

It has got worse over the last couple of years, much worse over the last 6 months
he has plenty of opportunity for other women, and I guess that would fit but he is open about phone, email, facebook etc. and tonight is a concert, I was supposed to be going with some other friends.

OP posts:
Reena31 · 02/07/2011 19:28

redrollers - your man needs to get a back bone and sort his life and pioritys out and you need to think do you want to be with someone like that or someone who will actually love you and your child!

alphamummy · 02/07/2011 19:28

Thats really sad for your little boy. Would he speak to you in the same tone? "I'm not being naughty daddy" would have broken my heart.

TBH i think you need to put your little boy first and get out of this relationship.

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:35

Well, he swears he loves me and DS, and in some ways we are all he has, but actions speak louder than words.
This holiday was kind of a last ditch attempt at something and all it has proved is that he can't get on with either of us, and it's actually quite damaging.
It's probably been managable because he works away so much, and we actually do a lot of things separately.

I also noticed that he barks orders at me more and more, like I'm his employeed and gets annoyed when I don't do things his way, even this afternoon, I lay down on the bed with DS, and he told me I would feel better if I got in the shower, "well I'm fine here thanks"
but he actually got a bit annoyed that I didn't do it his way.

I think I need to grow a backbone and stand up for myself and DS.
He is sooo precious.
Actually DH is probably jealous too, tosser

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 02/07/2011 19:36

I think you need to kick the cunt out.

blackeyedsusan · 02/07/2011 19:38

he could be stressed because stress can make you behave badly. however, he is not apologising forr his behaviour so possibly not just stress.

sounds a nasty piece of work. I would be thinking of organising things so that you could leave if you thought it was necessary.

is he throwing his blackberry at you or just to frighten you?
does he do any child care?
does he do any of the housework?
does he make comments that put you down?

JamieAgain · 02/07/2011 19:41

Oh dear, that sounds bad. He has no clue how to talk to his son. Either he just cannot cut it as a parent or is feeling guilty and resentful about something.

Did he have any good role models of parenting as a child? Also wondering if he simply has no clue about what children are like and his workaholism means he has little time to find out, has bad interactions and it's all a vicious circle.

Not good for you or your son.

JamieAgain · 02/07/2011 19:42

Or he's a tosser, as you say. Maybe don't waste time trying to understand. Lay it on the line for him

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:49

blackeyedsusan
he threw his blackberry in my general direction, but in anger/frustration not to frighten me. He doesn't frighten me
child care-no. He has made an effort recently in an attempt to bond with DS. I had a night away with my sis to see Take That. He says they got on like a house on fire.

housework- ha ha

doesn't really make comments that put me down, except where money is concerned, he often says that his job pays for everything. I have contributed financially, he earns a lot though, he just makes little digs.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 02/07/2011 19:51

Making an effort to bond? Sad Got on like a house on fire? Yes, because it was for a couple of hours. One day your son will ask you what he did wrong for his daddy to not like him.

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:51

JamieAgain, that's it exactly.
He has no clue about children, no idea. no real good role model for family life, and he's quite resentful about my close family.

OP posts:
Asinine · 02/07/2011 19:52

Has he ever hit you or dc? Or threatened violence? Are you actually sleeping with him?

Sorry but I would be permanently stressed if trying to live with this man, he sounds like he has a personality disorder. You need support, not to be made to walk on eggshells in your own family.

I'm sorry your holiday was so stressful Sad

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:54

FAB, we have acknowledged that they have a problem, so I have tried to get them to spend more time together. I have been trying to sort it, but he can't hack it

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 02/07/2011 19:54

Hmm. If he wanted to learn that would be one thing, but that would necessitate him recognising that your son's behaviour changes round him because his lack of parenting skill and wishing to do something about it.

He's not sounding like the kind of man who'd be inclined to do that atm.

Original poster
redrollers · 02/07/2011 19:59

See Jamie, you have got that spot on, you are a stranger and I have written a basic account of a couple of things( no offence!!)
How can he not see it?
Asinine, no violence to me or DS. Although he has broken a few things in temper. yeah we are sleeping together. although that's really under pressure too.

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 02/07/2011 20:03

You sound nearly at the end of your tether.

Maybe he can't see it because he has too big an ego. Or defensiveness - being in the right is big in the workplace. At home, we don't have so much control. It's a harsh lesson that having children teaches us and he either doesn't have the personality or willingness to face that

Asinine · 02/07/2011 20:06

I remember my dh saying that having kids made you realize how selfish you were before having them. Most people adapt to the fact that they have to accommodate for dcs and dps and they mature as a result. It sounds like your dh is failing to change as parenthood requires him to.

JamieAgain · 02/07/2011 20:11

Yes - the big question is - does he have the capacity to change?

I have to go now OP. Good luck. I know more people with better knowledge than me will be along

jeckadeck · 02/07/2011 20:12

for what its worth he sounds very much like my father. Although I love my father he is a big bully and I feel a lot of resentment towards him for the way he spoke to us and my mother when we were children. I resent my mother more, however, for not standing up for us/walking out. I don't want to tell you what to do with your life because its your life. But you should be aware that children can end up resenting a mother who took the shit as much as, if not more than, the father who dealt it out. Sorry if that's harsh, but there it is.