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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this reasonable?

33 replies

lovelymama · 02/07/2011 13:16

I'm looking for an honest answer, not sympathy or attention. I just seem to have lost any perspective or ability to judge.

i had implanon (contraceptive implant) fitted 7 months ago and have had almost constant bleeding since having it was fitted, sometimes very light then very heavy. i'm persevering with it for now to give my body a chance to settle in with it. Obviously the bleeding hasn't made me feel particularly good and coupled with the fact that dd is a terrible sleeper and i work full time, i'v not been that up for sex. My DH knows about the bleeding and i mentioned to him that if it keeps going on, we should look for an alternative method of contraception.

I'm not keen on the pill as my life is so hectic that i'm not sure i'd remember to take it. Since we're sure we don't want more kids, i suggested the possibility of Dh having a vasectomy. I could kind of understand his reaction that he was hesitant to do this because he felt it would de-masculate him (men and their manhood - don't really understand it but i accept it), but his 2nd reason shocked me and i was quite offended. He said, if i'm only going to get sex once every month until you hit the menopause, is going through a vasectomy for 60 shags worth it? He couldnn't understand why i was shocked by this. I feel angry with him that he thinks of our sex life like this and it's made me not really like him, even though i love him.

Writing it down makes me sound childish, although i haven't bored you with the rest of the details in our relationship that have resulted in this attitude towards him.

Do you think he was being unreasonable or am i being oversensitive?

OP posts:
mistressploppy · 02/07/2011 13:20

No, he was being mean. He just didn't want to get the snip. I'd be gutted and angry if my DH said that to me.

You don't sound childish at all, IMO

fedupofnamechanging · 02/07/2011 13:21

I think it is a horrible, insensitive thing to say. You are not being over sensitive. You say there are other things going on in the relationship, which are also upsetting you, but going on the assumption that he does6 have qualities that make you love him, I think you need to have a serious discussion about why^ your sex life is as it is and let him know how utterly hurtful you have found his remarks.

If, after that, he still acts like this, then he is a twat!

fedupofnamechanging · 02/07/2011 13:22

Don't know what happened with the random italics. Sorry

jade80 · 02/07/2011 13:22

He's sort of got a point. If it's just once a month why not use condoms? It is an operation and they shouldn't be taken lightly. However it sounds like he said it in a way that could have been much better considered.

biddysmama · 02/07/2011 13:22

my answer would have been "the choice is vasectomy and 60 shags or no vasectomy and none"... yanbu, im pregnant with baby number 4 and dh is getting snipped when its born because i wont use chemical contraceptives while breastfeeding and ive got another 3ish years of that left, i got pregnant with dd on microgynon so we dont trust it 100% anyway

garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 13:24

God, no, that was a dreadful remark! As you say, the worst thing is what it suggests about his value system Shock
YABU x10!

garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 13:24

YANBU, obv Blush

inatrance · 02/07/2011 13:25

YANBU what a shitty thing to say! Insensitive at best, downright insulting at worst. I think I'd be telling him that he'd be lucky to be getting ANY shags, EVER after that comment!

BluddyMoFo · 02/07/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressFrankly · 02/07/2011 13:27

No YANBU - he clearly doesnt understand what you and your body have been through and does not want to take responsibility in preventing further pregnancies. If he doesnt think its 'worth it' then i would say turn those 60 shags into 0. If he isnt going to do his bit he cant expect you to put out.

Love isnt enough if you dont like him.

IslaValargeone · 02/07/2011 13:29

Yanbu, it was a horrid thing to say.
Have you thought about getting your tubes tied? I know lots of people go for the vasectomy option as it's simpler? but you might feel quite liberated by it, I know I certainly did.

diddl · 02/07/2011 13:31

That is a horrible thing to say!

However, if your only objection to the pill is remembering to take it, it might still be worth considering-and he can also make sure that you remember it!

misty0 · 02/07/2011 13:32

It sounds like he was lashing out. He was deliberately having a good hard dig. Obviously it would not be something a person would say during a reasonable and balenced discusion. (i would hope Hmm)

As other posters have said the two of you need to sit down together somewhere pleasant with time to spare and have a talk. Tell him to be open about his feelings, as lashing out verbally is sometimes a sign that a person isnt feeling like theyre getting their point accross (not your fault necassarily you understand) either because they're not good at expressing themselves or because they feel their words wont be heard.

Feel for you, good luck x

Original poster
lovelymama · 02/07/2011 13:34

Thanks all, i appreciate the different points of view. I know this is a major op, which definitely shouldn't be taken lightly. But if i wasn't bleeding as much, he would definitely get more than one shag a month! But i'm just scared that now he's revealed this side of his nature I can't get it out of my head. If I'm hurt by him and angry at him, I can't just forget that and want to give him the love that I need to feel to have sex with him

It just upsets me as we used to have a pretty good sex life and we were both happy with it. The pesemist in me sees an affair on the horizon, and i couldn't stand for that to happen to our family

OP posts:
misty0 · 02/07/2011 13:36

What about the coil, btw?

MorelliOrRanger · 02/07/2011 13:43

Agree with Misty, is the coil not an option for you?

PS - I'd have told my hubby that if I wasn' bleeding constantly we'd be having more sex.

YANBU.

MalibuStac · 02/07/2011 13:45

YANBU that was a hurtful thing to say. Hope you can sit down and explain to him why it hurt you and what's going on. I'm in a similar situation on the mini pill so dp and I haven't been very sexually active. You get to the point of being sick of bleeding don't you? As I said to dp it doesn't exactly make you feel sexy.

MorelliOrRanger · 02/07/2011 13:45

Whoops didn't see your last post.

misty0 · 02/07/2011 13:56

Dont want to throw the cat among the pigeons here - i'm just being totally honest - but i wouldnt want to be sterilised becasue my OH was having problems with contraception.

Mind you i would like to think i'd choose my words more carefully than he did!

You need patience and support, not childish comments, i know x

sophe29 · 02/07/2011 13:57

YANBU!!! He sounds a git. However, Im sure a lot of men probably think in similar ways secretly, they just engage their brain before their mouth. Men dont get periods really or how knackered and unsexy we feel when running after young kids and bleeding the whole time.

On the implant front - have you been back to your GP and tried a short course of a hormone pill that might kick your cycle back in? If you have and it hasnt worked then the bleeding is unlikely to settle if its already been 7 months. Get it taken out. You will feel much better. There are many other options especially the coil.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/07/2011 14:03

misty, that kind of implies that problems with contraception are the OP's problem alone. Contraception is something that the couple together have to sort out. Now as things stand, the options for men are condoms or vasectomy, whereas a woman has more choices available. But, if those choices are not suitable, or the woman has taken responsibility for a long time and no longer wants to put chemicals into her body, then it's time for the man to take his turn.

If the couple are certain that they want no more children, it is reasonable to consider vasectomy. A man who refuses, knowing that his wife is having lots of problems with contraception has a choice of condoms or no sex really.

Omigawd · 02/07/2011 14:07

Implanon clearly isn't working but a vasectomy isn't the only solution so there yabu

Should he have said what he did - no, that was very hurtful so yanbu

Does he have a point - IMO yes, you 2 do need to sort out the sex frequency thing, as if that is left to fester it will poison the relationship over time.

garlicnutter · 02/07/2011 14:09

Just to reiterate - a vasectomy is a MINOR op, you go home straight afterwards, and most are reversible.

clam · 02/07/2011 14:10

A vasectomy is not a major op. Think my DH had it done under local anaesthetic. His view was that it was the least he could do, as I'd gone through pregnancy and childbirth with 2 babies.

If you're absolutely sure that you as a couple don't want any more children, then why not? Unless he's wondering about possibly wanting kids in a second marriage if anything were to happen to you. (Sorry, but it might be an issue!) For us, ultimately, it was a pregnancy scare that finally got us down to the doctor's!

LineRunner · 02/07/2011 14:16

It sounds like a very resentful remark.

Now you need to work out what he's feeling resentful about (not difficult, it involves the word sex...) and talk it through. Maybe a few times. What does he suggest?

People who are feeling resentful can lash out in the most hurtful ways; it's a bit childish but it happens. The grown up thing is to get over it - together.

He may be missing sex for all sorts of reasons, and they all involve the two of you.