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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want kill my dd who has lied about a sleep over

46 replies

Pang · 01/07/2011 23:36

DD ( 14yrs) said she was going to do a sleepover at a friend's house with 2 other friends. Then I got a phone call from one of the friends asking where she was? Hmm very curious as 4 of them were meant to be together at friend's house with mum at home. Phoned DD's mobile 3 times no answer. Phone sleepover friend's house only to be told that she is not there She is at a boy's house with one of the other friends that was also meant to be doing the sleepover. Rang that second friend's mobile and yes they are at a house of a boy that I do not know. DH has been sent to collect her because I am to angry to see her. Help! How should I approach this other then grounding her for life.

OP posts:

snice · 01/07/2011 23:39

I don't have teenagers yet but I would want to focus on the issue of trust and how my trust in her had been destroyed. I would certainly be looking at grounding her for a period and after that escorting her to places/picking her up

MummyTigger · 01/07/2011 23:39

Sit her down and explain that she is not old enough to be going around to a boys house, and it really hurts you that she lied. Whatever her punishment - stick to it. I was always so adept at getting out of being punished that I never ended up respecting my mother until a lot later than I should have.

Little cow is being very deceitful, so tell her exactly how that makes her look.

Northernlurker · 01/07/2011 23:40

Well if you rave her at her you will only be doing what she expects. I would try to stay calm and either send her straight to bed and say you'll talk about it tomorrow or conduct a brief post mortem asking why she didn't tell you the truth? Presumably she'll say you wouldn't have let her stay at boy's house to which I would want to ask - well why shouldn't I let you do that - what were you doing that I won't like - then see what she says.

mrsjaja · 01/07/2011 23:40

Send her straight to bed, no conversations/arguments. Take her phone off her as she walks in the door, and be up waiting to talk to her first thing in the morning.

I think if you start something with her tonight, you will just end up shouting and saying things you DO mean, but not in the way you want to say them.

I have to say if it was my DD i would be exactly the same, and probably wouldnt do the above - i would want to wring her bloody neck.

Scholes34 · 01/07/2011 23:42

Approach with care and gently. She obviously knows what she's done is wrong, otherwise she wouldn't have lied about it. She needs to understand that there's a pretty good chance you'll find out if she does anything like this. Perhaps you need to sit down together and have a discussion about your views and what's not acceptable for a 14 year old to do. I also have a 14 year old DD and I think I'd want to be careful aboutmy reaction and actions not driving her away and making her more underhand and secretive. Anyway, there's not a simple, quick solution to this.

griphook · 01/07/2011 23:42

leave it till the morning as you are understandably upset, and you dd is sure to be in one of those moods where she is up for a fight as i'm sure she will see this as you have ruined her fun.

I would be hopping mad with her fwiw

animula · 01/07/2011 23:43

Blimey. That's not great.

You could try the left-field approach: Ask her why she did it; ask her how she thinks you (and your dh) feel; ask her why she thinks you (and your dh) feel that; ask her why she thinks it might not have been a smart thing to do; ask her what response she imagines you (and your dh) might have.

Sympathy to you.

Northernlurker · 01/07/2011 23:43

Oh yes absolutely I would be livid too!

I would stay away from long term grounding though - you're really just asking for her to break out again then.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 01/07/2011 23:44

I agree that you need to both have some time before you talk about it.

When you talk tomorrow, make trust the focus and explain the whole concept of earning it.

Honesty is so much easier than lying.

Nice way to describe a 14 year old MummyTigger

AgentZigzag · 01/07/2011 23:45

It's something I would have done at 14, but my DD1 is 10 so I can imagine what I'd be like if I were you.

There's not a lot you could have said or done to the 14 YO me that would have been effective, I was just a mass of hormones and shitty attitude.

It's a bloody difficult time.

AgentZigzag · 01/07/2011 23:47

Being grounded only made me worse tbh.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 01/07/2011 23:48

Say nothing in anger, and try to take the wind out of her sails if she swans back in with a 'whatever' face.

When she walks through the door tell her that you're upset and disappointed that she's broken your trust in her and that, obviously, there will be consequences for her deceitfulness which you'll elaborate on in the morning.

And then pour yourself a , and come back with an update as to what her mood/attitude seems to be now that she's been caught out in a pre-meditated lie.

Happydogsaddog · 01/07/2011 23:50

Whenever you have the conversation please, please warn her of the risks. Drugs, rape, being uncontactable (if there was an accident in your family and she wasn't contactable), if the boy turned nasty, if his parents turned nasty and slung her out. There are so many times I remember a wild event wistfully then shudder at the risks I took and was never adequately punished for. Make her earn your trust again, thats a long lasting punishment that will stay with her into adulthood. Even now my nan says careful getting on and off the bus for no apparent reason but reminds me I might be a grown woman but she still cares about me

Asinine · 01/07/2011 23:57

Agree, talk to her tomorrow. The main thing is, if she wants more independence and to be allowed to grow up, she has to earn that by demonstrating through her behaviour that she is sensible enough to be trusted. So she has to say where she will be and when she will be back, and you can check up on her until you have regained some trust. Make sure she knows that your prime motivation is that you love her and want her to be safe, not to spoil her fun. Ask her to list the possible consequences of what she did last night and add some of your own. She needs to know why you are worried.

TheSecondComing · 02/07/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Pang · 02/07/2011 00:03

DD has now returned home with DH. She was very apologetic (scared). I asked where she was and why she was there. DD said she had planned to be at friend1's house but plans had changed and they were all at boy's house. I said friend1 was at home when I rang. She said yeah but her mum phoned and told her to come home and she is now grounded. Sounds like they both got caught out. Told her I was very disappointed that she had lied to me and that we would discuss things in the morning then sent her to bed. Now having a . Oh gosh just thought - must go ring the parents of friend3!

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 02/07/2011 00:06

ok well sounds like she isn't going to be defiant so i would just talk a lot about trust and about her keeping herself safe and leave it at that.

giraffesCantZumba · 02/07/2011 00:14

little cow?!

TheSecondComing · 02/07/2011 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowlingBitch · 02/07/2011 00:35

I did this when I was younger too and I now feel horribly guilty seeing it from your POV. I suggest no big lectures she knows she was wrong but make it very clear tomorrow how hurt you are in small ways (If she tries to normalize things just be abit frosty and sad). The guilt will make her think twice next time. Or just kick her little arse! :o

I think you handled tonight beautifully. Well done!

AgentZigzag · 02/07/2011 00:48

Some of the things said on here just make part of me and feel uppity because they were what my mum said to me

I'm disappointed in you...
You've broken my trust...
How do you think it's made us feel...

I'm saying that tongue in cheek and hopefully your DD isn't the same as I was, but it really did just go over my head.

I gave all the required responses/head hanging and I went back to thinking what boring squares my parents were straight after

AgainWhen · 02/07/2011 00:59

Everyone seems to see this as a potential rape situation, but if it's someone she likes enough to want to be with then maybe he's a genuinely nice boy. If
so it's not the crime of the century.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/07/2011 02:25

Apologetic and scared is infinitely preferable to 'whatever' and defiant.

A big plus point is that friend1's mom has most probably came down like a ton of bricks when grounding her culprit, thus paving the way for you to be cool, understanding, mom of the year - your dd will be the envy of her friends and will be more likely to confide in you in future if she's sure that you are not going to rant or be judgemental.

Testing the boundaries is a rite of passage; and it's a fact that sometimes the boundaries get tested by tunnelling under the barrier rather an all out frontal assault, which seems to be the case here.

Rest assured that you haven't raised a liar; your dd got carried away by a not so cunning plan which has blown up in her face, and it sounds very much as if the shock of being found out may be all she needs to not contemplate any repeat.

I would strongly advise you not to ground her; use some of the eminently sensible advice you have been given here to talk through her behaviour and tell her that, even though you may look and feel as old as Methuselah, you understand how difficult the 'between years' that span childhood and adulthood can be.

Explain that it's only natural that she wants to break free from parental rules but that they're in place for a reason, and the reason is that you adore her and you value her safety and wellbeing above anything else.

Please resist the temptation to play the heavy; of course you wanted to 'kill' her when you found out that she'd lied to you, but that's because you are older than her and know that the world can be a dangerous place for defenceless young girls (and boys), and your understandable reaction was in part sparked by your relief that your dd was safe and unharmed.

If you still feel like 'killing' her, do it with kindness and love and lots of understanding and cuddles. Be happy that nothing untoward has happened to her on this occasion, and make it clear that you may not be quite so lenient and understanding if she makes a habit of lying to you.

Once you've made your point, don't belabour it as it may cause your dd to develop a selective hearing disorder.

All's well that ends well, enjoy your weekend!

Andrewofgg · 02/07/2011 13:07

"Bringing up teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree only harder . . ."

Good nuck!

diddl · 02/07/2011 14:16

I would want to know why she thought it was OK not to tell you that she would be elsewhere-that that is just good manners.

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