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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want kill my dd who has lied about a sleep over

46 replies

Pang · 01/07/2011 23:36

DD ( 14yrs) said she was going to do a sleepover at a friend's house with 2 other friends. Then I got a phone call from one of the friends asking where she was? Hmm very curious as 4 of them were meant to be together at friend's house with mum at home. Phoned DD's mobile 3 times no answer. Phone sleepover friend's house only to be told that she is not there She is at a boy's house with one of the other friends that was also meant to be doing the sleepover. Rang that second friend's mobile and yes they are at a house of a boy that I do not know. DH has been sent to collect her because I am to angry to see her. Help! How should I approach this other then grounding her for life.

OP posts:

fluffles · 02/07/2011 14:24

i guess that it depends on whether or not you would have agreed to her goign to the boys house if she'd told you.

if you would then you can say that she broke your trust, it was dangerous you not know where to find her, she needs to tell you in future but for now she has restricted freedoms for x-amount of time as a consequence.

however, if she lied because she knew there was no way you'd have agreed to her going to the boys house even with a friend, then you have a tougher time because you'll have to either convince her that you've got good reason to say no or you'll have to agree that after she has earned your trust back then at some point in the future she can go to boys houses.. after the summer? when she's 15? with certain conditions.. if you speak to the boys parents... otherwise she's got nothing to work towards and look forward to and she'll just feel you are unreasonable, afterall to her the boy is a friend too and she probably does not understand why you'd say no.

Goblinchild · 02/07/2011 15:25

fluffles makes a good point, the boy is a friend of hers, like the girlfriend that you thought she was sleeping over with.
I understand that you were worried and panicking about what might have been, and that she abused your trust in her by lying. That is something that you will need to work on together, and there should be consequences for lying.
But is the boy 14 too? Were his parents home? Why do you trust a girl more than a boy to be a responsible friend and not get into drink or drugs?
You are seeing the boy as a potential monster who will attack your baby given half a chance, and your DD may not understand your paranoia. Which may be why she lied.
Would you have been open to a reasonable discussion about it before she had a sleepover?

BecauseImWorthIt · 02/07/2011 15:32

Nothing wrong with a good rant and rave at them - it does them good to see that you are both angry at them and frightened for them. But you need also to explain the loss of trust as well as the risk she put herself at.

We had a similar issue with DS2, who is 16. Now, whenever he goes to a party and (especially if there is a sleepover, as at the party he is going to tonight) I insist that he gives me the name of the person holding the party and their address and landline telephone number. I also always ask him if the parents are going to be there. I used to tell him that I was going to call the parents before he went, to make sure that the party was genuine and that he was invited to sleep over. (It's amazing how often they just assume that they can stay, without checking it out with the parents).

I rarely call now, but he knew that I was going to/still might do. And he is happy to volunteer this information. It's just part of the deal as far he is concerned.

He also knows that he has to have his mobile with him, fully charged and with credit on it. If he doesn't answer either my calls or texts then I get very cross with him.

That said - the only outcome is that I know for sure where he is. I still don't know what he's getting up to. I can only trust him to behave.

Original poster

Pang · 03/07/2011 00:46

Thank you all for your thoughtful and measured advice. There is a lot of experience out there and I found it very helpful.

This morning, I did shout at DD (thought it was important that she knew that I was angry at her for lying). Also talked to her about why I was angry (broken trust, worry for safety etc). Discussed her behaviour and why she had lied. Discussed saftey (because actually she didn't even know the address of where she was), drugs and sex. Then grounded her.

With regard to friend3: she went back to friend1's house. I had tried to ring her parents but was unable to get through last night. So I sent her mum a text to see if she was aware of the sleepover party. Had a text back saying that she was unaware of any of this because she is out of town on business and dad was supposed to be looking after the children.

I think the experience of being caught out will keep DD on the straight and narrow for a while. She is also aware that she has to earn my trust back.
BecauseI'm, I think the way you handled your DS2 sounds like a good way forward.

p.s: Goblinchild - the boy is also 14yrs. I would not have minded the sleepover if I knew the boy and/or his parents (and they were at home) and that there were other friends staying over too.

OP posts:

A1980 · 03/07/2011 00:54

to want kill my dd who has lied about a sleep over

You honestly think she deserves to die for lying to you

TBH I found my mum harder to deal with when she didn't shout. Sometimes she was totally non-communicative and only spoke to me when she had to. It was very very uncomfortable.

Try blanking her becasue if you're so furious you'll only scream at her then that wont work.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/07/2011 01:02

I'm also about the little cow comment.

triskaidekaphile · 03/07/2011 01:05

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly to me Pang. This is all very normal and she sounds lovely and so do you. Which doesn't mean it's not tonne of brick time. I agree very much with becausei'mworthit that it is absolutely fine and in fact a good thing to lose it a bit in these sort of circs and show them you are upset and angry. They need to see they've crossed the muthafucking line! Then you can calm down and get understanding yet disappointed later. And grounding her for life a while sounds like a great plan to me.

Original poster

Pang · 03/07/2011 01:07

A1980: I am not normally a shouter, so she knows if I do shout it's serious.

Of course I don't really want her to die! Quite the reverse. I was furious because I was worried for her safety.

OP posts:

triskaidekaphile · 03/07/2011 01:14

Hi A1980. I think English is not your first language? "I want to kill you/her/him" is a well known idiomatic phrase meaning "I am v pissed off with you/him/her". It is clear from the contextual evidence that Pang is using it with this meaning and does not literally think her daughter deserves to die. You could sign yourself up for some more English classes if you find idioms difficult. There are some Free online courses here if you can't find anything in your local area.

A1980 · 03/07/2011 01:25

Triskaidekaphile

English most definitely is my first language! I find your post very patronising in fact.

I know the OP didnt mean it literally but I do not like that expression. I think it is very extreme and that parents over use it without really thinking about what they're saying.

If I had a penny for every time my mum said "i'll kill you" when I was a child I'd be a millionaire right now. It's too extreme and it scared the shit out of me particularly when I was younger.

triskaidekaphile · 03/07/2011 01:34

lol (literally not idiomatically)

ElsieMc · 03/07/2011 08:57

Sounds familiar. A lot of getting it right with girls this age is relying on your gut instinct and I got it spectacularly wrong. My daughter started pressurising me to go on sleepovers and one in particular felt wrong but we had tears and the fact I was the only mum not letting her child go and she would be alienated from her peer group etc.

The boy involved was 18, she was pregnant at 14, had baby at 15. Child now 8, lives with me on an order, so called "boy" takes me to court regularly over contact and is in court in a fortnight for his sixth actual bodily harm offence.

Yes, I know it won't happen to everyone and I am the voice of doom. If it feels wrong, don't say yes.

JamieAgain · 03/07/2011 09:18

Genuine question here (my oldest is 10 ).

I would have thought that when your child says they are going to a sleepover at someone's house, you ring and check that's OK with the other child's parents.

Am I being a fogey about this?

JamieAgain · 03/07/2011 09:23

Also, on a more general not - what is the point of giving DCs mobiles, if they demonstrate to you that they can't be relied upon to be contactable. I'd be very inclined to take the phone away for a bit.

Again - thinking aloud here. Sorry for hijack OP, this will all come to me soon enough!

JamieAgain · 03/07/2011 09:23

note not not

TheSecondComing · 03/07/2011 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieAgain · 03/07/2011 09:27

tHANKS tsc (DREADING IT!)

duckdodgers · 03/07/2011 09:27

I think if this is the worst breach of trust your DD will do to you then you will get off lightly! I did this when I was 16 to stay with my boyfriend, and said to my parents I was staying at a friends, and needless to say Dad phoned friend up because my part time work was looking for me.......I met said friend by accident who told me this and then I spent the rest of the day till my parents got home dreading it tbh, kind of put a dampner on my day

And yes I got all the "youve broken trust" speeches and all I was thinking was "get it over" and "why didnt I tell friend first" I never got pregnant as a teenager or into drugs so I think I turned out ok!

Ive only got boys (DS1 is 18) and Ive always been really open with him, hes stayed overnight at others houses, I let his girlfriend stay over and have been doing for over a year now, hes an adult now and I have to trust him. Not sure what I would have done if he was only 14 mind you. But I was rather he was under my roof than having sex up alleys etc, although I know he doesnt dare do anything anyway as Im a light sleeper and I sleep next room to him, he would be far too embarassed

TheSecondComing · 03/07/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovedora27 · 03/07/2011 09:41

Schoolboy error You ALWAYS ring the mum/dad of the parents house they sleeping at. My mum always used to do it and it always put a stop to my plans. Teenage DDs (if anything like me) are never where they say they are going to be.

Eg I used to say I was going to youth club = drinking cider in the park. Also say I am staying with a friend = meeting lads, drinking cider in the park, doing something I shouldnt. Its what teen DDs do

SeymoreButts · 03/07/2011 09:59

I'm dreading the teenage years. I shudder when I think back to some of the ridiculously stupid things I did as a teen that my mum had no idea about. Honestly, I am lucky to be alive when I think about it. I think I will need to be tranquillised when DD hits 13.

Good luck pang I hope she has learnt her lesson.

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