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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this will beat all other MIL horror stories?

71 replies

cricketballs · 30/06/2011 15:49

here

makes my MIL look a saint! Grin

OP posts:
cricketballs · 30/06/2011 19:09

PrettyMeerkat my DH's family do it took several years of 'training him' to have what I call 'proper table manners'; but I would never tell a guest off of doing it.
pingu now that family have manners!

Ealingkate have you found that thread yet?

OP posts:
spookshowangel · 30/06/2011 19:49

i am obviously a terrible guest i dont send thank you cards. i thank them when i leave and i always bring gifts. laddette to lady here i come.

PumpkinBones · 30/06/2011 19:59

Firstly, the fact that it was written by his stepmother - the second Mrs Bourne, and the constant reference to the Bourne family - makes me think she is possibly rather insecure about her own background and position in the family.

Seond, I recall reading that Sylvia Plath's sister-in-law also wrote about her appalling manners as a houseguest - using all the hot water, and helping herself to things out of the fridge. It's the type of criticism which makes me very suspicious of the person giving it out. People with genuine class would never comment.

Thirdly, am I the only one that thinks Heidi sounds rather lively and probably quite fun?!

HannahHack · 30/06/2011 20:06

@PumpkinBones I think I owuldlike to take Heidi out for a drink and ask her what she said in public that brought the family into disrepute!

Plus you are right, people with genuine class NEVER COMMENT.

My parents have a friend who habitually falls asleep at dinner parties. They have decided to take it as a compliment as he is obviously relaxed in their company!

agedknees · 30/06/2011 20:32

dil is diabetic. Maybe she took her insulin at say 6pm because mil said food would be served at 6.15. But no food appeared until say 6.25 so dil probably tucked in because she was scared of having a hypo???

And maybe dil had calculated her insulin to her normal food intake, and mil's portion where measly so she had to help herself to more food.

There could be innocent reasons for the lack of table manners at dinner.

If mil had problems with dil she should have aired them face to face. Surely anything else is bad mannered???

ninipops · 30/06/2011 22:00

DH and I got married in a castle. It was in Scotland - there are lots of castles in Scotland. It wasn't brash - we picked it especially cause it was small and we paid for it ourselves. She sounds like a bit of a mare tbh (the second Mrs Bourne that is).

CleverClod · 30/06/2011 22:27

My MIL hand writes thank you cards to us when she's visited - and she only lives round the corner! I have to admit it's nice to receive them, you feel really appreciated, but it is a bit old fashioned, then again so's she. She's a complete and utter loony with an inflated sense of self worth (my MIL that is). Probably very much on a par with Mrs Bourne.

biddysmama · 30/06/2011 22:40

yep, found out at the reception as we were all going to eat... i had none of the food at my reception and me and dh ended up making excuses about settling the babies and went to mcdonalds drive through.. in our finery lol

PrettyMeerkat · 01/07/2011 12:17

biddy that is shocking!

brass · 01/07/2011 12:33

I find it bizarre that all the criticism has been aimed at the girl. Where was Freddie when he should have been helping his fiance out with what was expected by his family?

If she was laying in presumably Freddie was too. She would have taken her cues from him surely?

What an awful situation and how very rude of the step-MIL. She would have been better served having a quiet word with Freddie and allowing his fiance to find her bearings so she could fit in better.

But it's one of those relationships where you would never put a foot right however you behaved.

NotActuallyAMum · 01/07/2011 12:39

Wouldn't you just love an invitation to the wedding Grin

Although I suspect the SMIL2B probably won't be there...

brass · 01/07/2011 12:45

The second Mrs Bourne. LOL I bet she has previous and the rest of the family are mortified.

thumbwitch · 01/07/2011 12:57

God, that woman sounds horrific.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the girl had a bit of a hypo on the walk - hence the "not preparing properly for it" and "drawing attention to her diabetes" comments. Probably because the portions of food were nouvelle cuisine size and she needed more carbs.

In fairness, if you have an illness like diabetes, it does make sense to tell someone you can't eat certain things.

Lying late in bed is a touch rude - but if we're talking 9:30am and the rest of the family is up at 7, then no, it's not. Lying in until 11 would be, possibly.

She sounds like a shocking hostess - I wouldn't want to stay at her place - it would be eggshells all the way!

5Foot5 · 01/07/2011 12:58

PrettyMeerkat "I really hope you people are joking by thinking MIL is right."

I wouldn't say she was right to send the email, and she does sound like a terrific snob. However, if even half the examples she gives of Heidi's behaviour are accurate then I have to agree she does sound pretty graceless and I would have thought her rude if she had been my guest.

And don't forget it was Heidi who forwarded the email on to all and sundry so she only has herself to blame for it becoming viral. I think the fact that she did this speaks volumes for her attitude.

Frizzbonce · 01/07/2011 12:59

brass - exactly! Where was Freddie? Would you really marry someone if he didn't loudly stick up for you? Because if he ain't doing it now he's not going to be doing it a few months down the line when MIL starts sticking her nose into their life, their home, any children they might have? She isn't really the problem in the long term.

If I were Heidi, I'd RUN.

lisianthus · 01/07/2011 13:08

I think all the comments about the food can be explained by the diabetes. How horrible to be desperately trying to manage your diabetes, not be given enough food and then being criticised! And then being accused of "trying to draw attention to [her]self!"

And then this dreadful woman doesn't have the backbone to say anything to her face, but sends this mannerless email which only underlines her lack of hospitality and in which she has the flaming cheek to criticise her family and the style of her wedding.

PrettyMeerkat · 01/07/2011 13:23

5Foot5

However, if even half the examples she gives of Heidi's behaviour are accurate then I have to agree she does sound pretty graceless and I would have thought her rude if she had been my guest.

Really like what?:

Handwritten cards? (er . . . no!)

The fact that she had diabetes and so had issues at dinner and that she had a hypo on her walk?

That she drew attention to herself? Huh?! HOW DARE SHE!

Oversleeping?

That the DIL has chosen her own location for the wedding?

The fact her parents are not rich?

Seriously, which one do you think the MIL had a point about? And remember that this MIL by the sounds of it had decided to hate the girl before she met her and so has a skewed perspective on it.

I was also under the impression she forwarded it to a couple of friends and they sent it on, so not really something you can predict. If I got such a nasty email I'll forward it to a friend as well as I'd be so shocked!

LaurieFairyCake · 01/07/2011 13:31

Drawing attention to ones foods needs when diabetic:

"Oh goodness forgive me while I slide into a diabetic coma - I do hope it doesn't inconvenience you and that I don't urinate on your rug. Feel free to send my family the cleaning bill. Yes, of course you must take Bomber out of the room in case he becomes distressed"

Hmm
5Foot5 · 01/07/2011 13:45

If the food problems were caused by diabetes surely the sensible thing would have been to have a polite chat at the start of the weekend and explain her situation. If your host is unaware of your condition or how it might affect you then of course they will think you are rude. Failing that surely she could have said something like "I hope you don't mind me helping myself to more but my blood sugar levels are low"

And don't people with diabetes routinely carry some "emergncy rations", such as a Mars Bar, for this eventuality.

"Drew attention to herself" - well that could cover a multitude of situations but maybe, just maybe, she is one of those annoying people who insist on being the centre of attention all the time.

"Oversleeping" - again I think it would be a poor show to lie in until late morning when it is clear everyone else is getting up. You could be seriously inconveniencing any plans that have been made for the day.

As to the wealth, or otherwise, of her parents and the extravagance of the wedding - I think the point she was making was that Heidi had chosen a flamboyant and expensive wedding venue when neither she nor her parents had the means to pay for it. That's just daft! My parents didn't have much money and neither did I when I got married. But we had a small do in the local village hall with a buffet lunch - we didn't expect a huge party with someone else picking up the tab. It's called cutting your coat to suit the cloth.

I do agree that this MIL sounds like a bit of a bag. I really do. Bit I am afraid I don't like the sound of Heidi much either.

PrettyMeerkat · 01/07/2011 14:05

5Foot5

The MIL said that the girl walked into the house and said what foods she could and couldn't eat and also talked all about her diabetes (whch was vulgar) so I think she DID explain her situation. The MIL said she didn't want the girl talking about it!

Re the oversleeping, as someone else has said the guest would take her que from her fiance in regards to that. The MIL just wants to blame the GF though.

It's hard to come to a conclusion on the GF as the MIL . . . is, well as she is. You want get a balanced judgement from someone like that. There was NOTHING nice in the email at all, just nasty criticisms.

5Foot5 · 01/07/2011 14:34

"Re the oversleeping, as someone else has said the guest would take her que from her fiance in regards to that."

But are you assuming that they were sleeping in the same room? If the MIL is that much of a traditionalist she might well have given them separate rooms. My PILs did this before we were married, and my parents. Freddie may well have been up and about with the rest of the family.

The MIL sounds ghastly. But in one paper today I saw a quote from Heidi's Dad along the lines of "Mrs Fancy Pants has her head so far up her own a*e you don't know whether she is talking or f**ting" Charming! If Dad has been her role model for polite behaviour then this is clearly going to be an explosive mix.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 01/07/2011 14:43

5foot5....the dad has a point about future SMIL tbh, sounds like she has a lot of time to worry about petty bullshit. She will be a sad lonely old woman if this is how she acts with family/future family.

As for Bomber, how do you tell a dog is traumitised?

thumbwitch · 01/07/2011 14:47

traumatised dogs => shit where it shouldn't be.

PrettyMeerkat · 01/07/2011 14:53

Freddie may well have been up and about with the rest of the family

He probably should have woken his GF up then! Her dad doesn't sound great but I would HATE to be judged by my family as they would be guarenteed to say something stupid/irelevant/insulting/embarrassing! [squirm!]

How do you traumatise a dog?!

Peachy · 01/07/2011 14:57

'Whilst you should try to follow 'house rules' if you are unaware of what they are, the true manners should come from the host by making their guests behaviour acceptable.

So true.

Being a hostess is about making someone feel welcomed annd at ease in your company. Not about passing judgement. As for the diabetes comments- FFS.

Seriously though I reckon my MIL would give her a run; faking menopausal sweats (defintiely wasn;t due to surgerya decade before) so she could re-enter my wedding in the speeches, calling ASD ds1 a freak when she thought I wasn't listening (to his face), sending FIl around to warn me off the wedding when Dh was on his stag (even though we had a young baby), when FILL left ehr calling DH to demand he return to living in the familaial home as 'his duty'- and leaving me with the boys; calling a year after the wedding toa sk for a refund of the money she had donated to a deposit on a house as a wedding gift as a rebuke for using it for something otehr than a depoosit (we spent it on a deposit...), calling DH when he was seriously ill and saying @I don;t know what you are upset about, I* have real worrieds', telling the boys FIL hit her when he didn;t (DH was present at the the supposed event)- boys were aged 5 and 6 IIRC; agreeing to a get togetehr with us after a fall out so she could meet ds4 then refusing to ever see agin as we could not confirm ds3 woudl recover with his autism.

Wow, that woman is class. DH refuses contact now.

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