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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think when going out for a meal, you could put some effort into what you wear?

29 replies

Smugz · 30/06/2011 15:13

DH and I getting ready to go out for a meal. I get dressed up to an extent, nice dress, new shoes, make-up, bit of jewelery etc. Come downstairs to find DH dressed in old jeans and slazenger grey hoody that he got for £5 from the discount sports shop along with old trainers. I ask why he isn't get ready, he is confused and says he IS ready. Same clothes he'd had on all day. No aftershave or anything.

Apparantly people don't "get dressed up anymore" but when we're in there, he's the only bloke without a shirt on!!

AIBU to think his lack of effort is a reflection on his lack of respect for me?

OP posts:
razzlebathbone · 30/06/2011 15:17

Hard to say without a bit more context and information re. the occasion and your husband.

theworldisoutthere · 30/06/2011 15:33

I'd say it depends on the occasion/restaurant to be honest. Normally I wouldn't dress up to go to a restaurant but a) the restaurants round here aren't particularly fancy and b) if it's a special occassion I will.

Can you give us more info?

bubblecoral · 30/06/2011 15:34

It depends where you were going. If it's the local pizza hut, YABU.

Thefoxsbrush · 30/06/2011 15:34

I always expect hubby (and he always does) to make a bit of an effort when we go out - eg he has shower, puts on nice aftershave, nice clothes and shoes. I think it's nice to make an effort when u go out. Esp if it's a rare occurrence

Riveninside · 30/06/2011 15:35

Does he have posh clothes?

Punkatheart · 30/06/2011 15:35

Is he good-looking? Those sort of men can get away with it!

ashamedandconfused · 30/06/2011 15:37

well, there's more than one way of looking at this......

i would feel, as you did, that if I were making the effort, so should he - especially if a special occasion, rather than just a spur of the moment lets eat out tonight thing

however, he might just feel comfy with being himself with you and not feel the need to do himself up or maybe he can't be bothered, maybe he did not want to try and get it wrong

only you know DPs and your history on this

sparkle12mar08 · 30/06/2011 16:07

At the very least I'd expect a shower and a clean top. Preferably a casual cotton shirt, but not a t-shirt, and trousers. Jeans at a push in a very informal place, but not if in a proper restaurant. He's a slob and yes, disrespectful.

Riveninside · 30/06/2011 16:09

Does he own posh clothes? Dh has only jeans, all with holes in, work shirts and manky t shirts.

TrilllianAstra · 30/06/2011 16:10

If you are going out with someone who cares about what you are wearing then it is polite to make an effort.

SuePurblybilt · 30/06/2011 16:15

I can forgive an awful lot of scruffy on a good looking man. In fact I think I prefer it.
Got to be clean though. Din't he shower?

Original poster
Smugz · 30/06/2011 16:15

The resteraunt isn't super posh but it is a candle lit, waiters in uniforms kind of place, not exactly a bacon and egg sarnie cafe type place.

The thing is this isn't the first time its happened. The first time I made it clear I was disapointed with his lack of effort, especially as it was a planned night out and I'd made an effort to look nice. He seemed embarrassed and uncomfortable when we got there when he realised how scruffy he looked compared to everyone else so I assumed I'd made my point but the second time he did exactly the same thing but instead of the hoody, he wore an old adidas t-shirt.

I'm not asking him to suit up, just a decent pair of smart jeans and a shirt would do. He does have nice shirts, he just can't be arsed to make the effort. I wonder if he'd make the effort if he was with anyone else. I do take it personally tbh.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 30/06/2011 16:17

He's going to feel like a tool if it's a smart restaurant and you're in a frock. Is he cutting off his nose to spite his face about something? Does he resent having to go to places where he isn't comfortable, perhaps?

supergreenuk · 30/06/2011 16:20

We don't go out much but even sometimes I can't be bothered to dress up. I think you have to be on the same page. Maybe next time say "shall we make an effort tonight?" or " I can't be bothered let's go skanky" You have to ensure you both have the same expectations. To be honest most blokes are the same.

thebestisyettocome · 30/06/2011 16:28

I think a lot of men would dress like this if they thought they could get away with it. Simple answer is for you to dress like a bag lady next time you go out. He'll soon get the message Grin

girlywhirly · 30/06/2011 17:43

I tend to see this a lot on holiday abroad, all the ladies dress up and put on bling and do their hair and make-up; the guys all get a quick shower and dress as if they've come straight from the beach! It actually upsets my DH that these men seem to have no respect for the ladies they accompany to restaurants, or the restaurant owners or staff.

You don't have to spend a lot to look decent, although you do need the motivation to hunt out the bargains. I'm wondering if Your DH is depressed, Smugz, lack of interest in his appearance/grooming/personal hygiene etc can be an indication. Would he rather have takeaway at home than go out and have everyone looking at him, making him feel uncomfortable and possibly anxious?

OTheHugeManatee · 30/06/2011 17:52

It depends. If it's our local and we just can't be bothered to cook, then no - I'll go in whatever I'm wearing. If it's somewhere naice and a special occasion, then I'll definitely make an effort as will DP.

It sounds as though this is more about feeling cross that your H doesn't seem to want to make the effort for a special occasion with you, than about dressing up for restaurants per se.

DrCoconut · 30/06/2011 17:57

OMG Smugz, we're married to the same bloke! :o But seriously, our baby's christening is soon and it will be hard to persuade him that tracky bottoms and a manky T shirt won't do! He has no shame about appearance and wouldn't even notice let alone care even if everyone else was in a tuxedo when he got there! But on the plus side he never comments or pressures me about how I look. I can slob out in my comfy stuff if I like and he's not bothered, not that I do regularly because I like to look nice. Dress sense just doesn't matter to him I'm afraid. But otherwise he's lovely so there are a lot worse things I could be complaining about.

Fimbo · 30/06/2011 18:02

My dh is the same. He has this skanky pair of shorts that he has had for years and will wear them anywhere. I get so bloody cross.

CurrySpice · 30/06/2011 18:02

I struggle to understand why it's so much of an effort to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt. I also cannot understand why so many people seem proud of being scruffy / having no smart clothes. I think they must think it makes them all "alternative" and down with the kids.

newnamenickname · 30/06/2011 18:09

My DH is the same, he often wears some trainers (now about 10 years old -but so comfyHmm) and jeans, and maybe a hoody/ t-shirt.

I'll sometimes say 'Are you going like that - do you want to put some decent clothes on?' and maybe he'll change into jeans and a shirt and casual non trainer shoes.

I don't mind- I don't take it personally.

EdnaKrabappel · 30/06/2011 18:15

YANBU, I agree he should have changed and put on a shirt. Mind you it could be worse - I went out for a meal at a decent restaurant recently where all the customers had made some effort, bar one man who was dining in his vest.

CurrySpice · 30/06/2011 18:35

Edna was it Stan Ogden? Shock

EdnaKrabappel · 30/06/2011 18:48

Grin CurrySpice. He was in a group of people, and they all looked mighty embarrassed to be with him. I heard someone ask the manager why they didn't have a dress code ... I bet they do now!

mumblechum1 · 30/06/2011 18:54

My dh would make a bit of an effort - if swanky restaurant he'd wear a nice jacket with open shirt, if more casual a cashmere sweater or something.

Which is a relief as he spends most of his time in the garden and looks like a tramp with 5 varieties of manure on his trousers most of the time. I have to kiss him at arms length Hmm

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