Have lost all sense of perspective - am I being over the top here?

[Hassled]

So - DS2 is 13, Yr8, Dyspraxic with some AS tendencies, very clever, sometimes quite socially inept, very intolerant of all things religion (we've talked about this a lot). Basically he's an annnoying militant atheist. This is relevant because I can imagine that over the course of the year he's probably wound up his RE teacher over this; and I know that on 3 occasions the teacher has encouraged the class to boo DS2.

RE lesson today and they're talking about some Buddhist (?) thing re people being represented by animals and the teacher is telling children what animals she thinks would represent them. She gets to DS2 and says "a skunk". DS2 thinks that means he stinks, but no, she then shows the class a YouTube clip of Bambi where the skunk is sniffing flowers and tells Bambi he can call him Flower if he wants to. Teacher then tells the class she's going to start calling DS2 Flower. Much laughter and merriment all round - not, though, from DS2.

This of course is already all over fucking FB, it seems half of Yr8 are calling him Flower, and I have (in temper) written a pretty snotty email to the teacher and copied in the KS3 head, asking her basically WTF was she thinking, saying DS2 felt publicly humiliated and was very upset and saying that I want her to apologise. I can't undo it - I've clicked send - and am now panicking that I've over-reacted. Have I?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Hassled... I said it because it's exactly what I would have done myself... and would have sweated over it like you are.

Make an excuse in a week or so, to pop in and see the teacher and make your peace, she'll appreciate it. It sounds like she has a good relationship with your son. Don't worry! Nothing that can't be smoothed over.

[TidyDancer]

Hmmm. I don't think YABU to bring this up with the teacher, but I think the way you reacted was a bit OTT. That's not to say that I think the teacher was correct, because I don't, but I suspect that it was silly of her, rather than malicious. It sounds like she was making a misguided attempt to lighten the mood that your son brings to the class. If he's a child that is difficult in her classroom, she may be trying a new tactic to handle him, and that's something I would generally think to be a good idea. It doesn't seem all that clear from your post whether of not your son causes actual issues, but it does sound like he needs managing when she teaches him. It's great that he has such strong views at a young age, but that doesn't negate the need to be educated about other people's beliefs. I don't mean to suggest that you don't get that, because I'm sure you do, but that teacher (who herself is young) has got to try to balance education with the strong beliefs of your son. If he is mouthy or excessively forthright, that can be very difficult indeed, even if he means nothing bad by it.

I honestly think the best thing you can do here is go into the school, have a chat with the teacher face to face and say that you would like to get her side of the story. It could be helpful to work with her to figure a way to balance your DS's beliefs with the way the teacher is trying to get through to him and the rest of the class. I'm speculating really, but it couldn't hurt to at least discuss these things. You can't take the email back now, so there's no point in stressing about it, but keep as calm as possible while you talk to the teacher, there is nothing to be gained from being angry and confrontational.

Again, I will point out that I don't think the teacher was right in the way she behaved, but I do not get the impression she was being horrid for the sake of it, just daft. And FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing about downplaying the whole FB saga.

[MyCatHasStaff]

Don't worry. Ranty, overprotective parents (I mean me ) are an occupational hazzard - I work in a school. She made an error in judgement, if she learns from it she will become a better teacher, so you've done her a favour. Your DS may well be a tricky customer, but he won't be her first, and he most certainly won't be her last! Talk to her, be honest and say that the fb stuff tipped you over the edge, explain how the Aspegers manifests in your DS (teachers only have theory until the day an ASD child is in their class). At worst, she'll be more careful with your DS (for fear of his scary mum , and at best the whole situation will improve for everyone. hth

[G1nger]

Good for you, I think. She acted in a bullying way and should be pulled up on it.

[Hassled]

Am here to report that I have now had two of the loveliest, most sincere emails of apology you can imagine and I feel like a total tool. She thought he was like Flower because he's so sweet and kind. She really enjoys his intellect and critical thinking and he makes for stimulating debate. She would never wish to embarrass him and will apologise asap.

God, I'm an over-reacting witch. The moral of the story is always, always sleep on an angry email.

[tabulahrasa]

'She thought he was like Flower because he's so sweet and kind.'

Well that's fine, but if she didn't actually tell him that - then he's not going to know that is he?

[MyCatHasStaff]

Agree with NightKitchen. Don't feel bad, you are a good mum

[Hassled]

Thank you all :).

[electra]

YANBU at all! Your ds is vulnerable and the teacher failed to protect him. I hope he is ok (and you!)

[ashamedandconfused]

she may have meant it as a compliment, but it has resulted in him being ridiculed - she jolly well should apologise

this is different to the lovely welsh teacher discussed earlier (she sounds great - but was not singling out one individual) the OPs teacher, deciding to call a 13 yr old with some degree of AS "Flower" in front of classmates was not a good idea

[Ormirian]

No you are not!

[dreamofwhitehorses]

Gosh, I think I must be interpreting this differently to every one else. She tells DS he's a skunk, everyone thinks ooh, thats not very nice, then the teacher turns it around and shows how the skunks overlooked qualities make it a compliment. It fits in with the Buddist ethos of the lesson, and maybe she was trying to make a point about DS that under a difficult exterior is something special. It would be interesting to see what animals she gave to others in the class for example.

That said it obviously backfired, and you are perfectly in the right to make sure the teacher understands how it affected him, and why it wasn't appropriate for your DS. I expect she is mortified, but hopefully this will be a usefull learning process for her.

[Jellykat]

I agree LeninGrad, my DS2 couldn't either (also yr 8 with Dyspraxia)

[Rosebud05]

You've done her a big favour. It's useful to have feedback about how you've made another person feel.

I also think the whole exercise sounds like it was sort of bound to upset someone along the way.

[springydaffs]

apparently, journalists know the difference between a primary and secondary source of information: a secondary source is notoriously unreliable. You heard the source from ds and, understandably, reacted - best to always get it squared with the actual source first before reaching a conclusion. I recently had a situation where I was given a report about the students I teach that upset me so much I initially couldn't raise the issue with them because I knew I would cry - when I actually got it cleared with them, they gave their side of it, I was amazed how the same story, with exactly the same details, was completely different when I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Moral: definitely sit on angry emails, also best to never attack. I know you kow that .

[Omigawd]

My experience with my lot at school is that the story you get and what actually happened are not the same thing at all. This could easily have been banter,the sense of which your DS didn't "get".

After being made a complete fuckwit fool the 1st few times I always sleep on this sort of thing.