Have lost all sense of perspective - am I being over the top here?

[Hassled]

So - DS2 is 13, Yr8, Dyspraxic with some AS tendencies, very clever, sometimes quite socially inept, very intolerant of all things religion (we've talked about this a lot). Basically he's an annnoying militant atheist. This is relevant because I can imagine that over the course of the year he's probably wound up his RE teacher over this; and I know that on 3 occasions the teacher has encouraged the class to boo DS2.

RE lesson today and they're talking about some Buddhist (?) thing re people being represented by animals and the teacher is telling children what animals she thinks would represent them. She gets to DS2 and says "a skunk". DS2 thinks that means he stinks, but no, she then shows the class a YouTube clip of Bambi where the skunk is sniffing flowers and tells Bambi he can call him Flower if he wants to. Teacher then tells the class she's going to start calling DS2 Flower. Much laughter and merriment all round - not, though, from DS2.

This of course is already all over fucking FB, it seems half of Yr8 are calling him Flower, and I have (in temper) written a pretty snotty email to the teacher and copied in the KS3 head, asking her basically WTF was she thinking, saying DS2 felt publicly humiliated and was very upset and saying that I want her to apologise. I can't undo it - I've clicked send - and am now panicking that I've over-reacted. Have I?

[Omigawd]

My experience with my lot at school is that the story you get and what actually happened are not the same thing at all. This could easily have been banter,the sense of which your DS didn't "get".

After being made a complete fuckwit fool the 1st few times I always sleep on this sort of thing.

[springydaffs]

apparently, journalists know the difference between a primary and secondary source of information: a secondary source is notoriously unreliable. You heard the source from ds and, understandably, reacted - best to always get it squared with the actual source first before reaching a conclusion. I recently had a situation where I was given a report about the students I teach that upset me so much I initially couldn't raise the issue with them because I knew I would cry - when I actually got it cleared with them, they gave their side of it, I was amazed how the same story, with exactly the same details, was completely different when I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Moral: definitely sit on angry emails, also best to never attack. I know you kow that .

[Rosebud05]

You've done her a big favour. It's useful to have feedback about how you've made another person feel.

I also think the whole exercise sounds like it was sort of bound to upset someone along the way.

[Jellykat]

I agree LeninGrad, my DS2 couldn't either (also yr 8 with Dyspraxia)

[dreamofwhitehorses]

Gosh, I think I must be interpreting this differently to every one else. She tells DS he's a skunk, everyone thinks ooh, thats not very nice, then the teacher turns it around and shows how the skunks overlooked qualities make it a compliment. It fits in with the Buddist ethos of the lesson, and maybe she was trying to make a point about DS that under a difficult exterior is something special. It would be interesting to see what animals she gave to others in the class for example.

That said it obviously backfired, and you are perfectly in the right to make sure the teacher understands how it affected him, and why it wasn't appropriate for your DS. I expect she is mortified, but hopefully this will be a usefull learning process for her.

[Ormirian]

No you are not!

[ashamedandconfused]

she may have meant it as a compliment, but it has resulted in him being ridiculed - she jolly well should apologise

this is different to the lovely welsh teacher discussed earlier (she sounds great - but was not singling out one individual) the OPs teacher, deciding to call a 13 yr old with some degree of AS "Flower" in front of classmates was not a good idea

[electra]

YANBU at all! Your ds is vulnerable and the teacher failed to protect him. I hope he is ok (and you!)

[Hassled]

Thank you all :).

[MyCatHasStaff]

Agree with NightKitchen. Don't feel bad, you are a good mum

[tabulahrasa]

'She thought he was like Flower because he's so sweet and kind.'

Well that's fine, but if she didn't actually tell him that - then he's not going to know that is he?

[Hassled]

Am here to report that I have now had two of the loveliest, most sincere emails of apology you can imagine and I feel like a total tool. She thought he was like Flower because he's so sweet and kind. She really enjoys his intellect and critical thinking and he makes for stimulating debate. She would never wish to embarrass him and will apologise asap.

God, I'm an over-reacting witch. The moral of the story is always, always sleep on an angry email.

[G1nger]

Good for you, I think. She acted in a bullying way and should be pulled up on it.

[MyCatHasStaff]

Don't worry. Ranty, overprotective parents (I mean me ) are an occupational hazzard - I work in a school. She made an error in judgement, if she learns from it she will become a better teacher, so you've done her a favour. Your DS may well be a tricky customer, but he won't be her first, and he most certainly won't be her last! Talk to her, be honest and say that the fb stuff tipped you over the edge, explain how the Aspegers manifests in your DS (teachers only have theory until the day an ASD child is in their class). At worst, she'll be more careful with your DS (for fear of his scary mum , and at best the whole situation will improve for everyone. hth

[TidyDancer]

Hmmm. I don't think YABU to bring this up with the teacher, but I think the way you reacted was a bit OTT. That's not to say that I think the teacher was correct, because I don't, but I suspect that it was silly of her, rather than malicious. It sounds like she was making a misguided attempt to lighten the mood that your son brings to the class. If he's a child that is difficult in her classroom, she may be trying a new tactic to handle him, and that's something I would generally think to be a good idea. It doesn't seem all that clear from your post whether of not your son causes actual issues, but it does sound like he needs managing when she teaches him. It's great that he has such strong views at a young age, but that doesn't negate the need to be educated about other people's beliefs. I don't mean to suggest that you don't get that, because I'm sure you do, but that teacher (who herself is young) has got to try to balance education with the strong beliefs of your son. If he is mouthy or excessively forthright, that can be very difficult indeed, even if he means nothing bad by it.

I honestly think the best thing you can do here is go into the school, have a chat with the teacher face to face and say that you would like to get her side of the story. It could be helpful to work with her to figure a way to balance your DS's beliefs with the way the teacher is trying to get through to him and the rest of the class. I'm speculating really, but it couldn't hurt to at least discuss these things. You can't take the email back now, so there's no point in stressing about it, but keep as calm as possible while you talk to the teacher, there is nothing to be gained from being angry and confrontational.

Again, I will point out that I don't think the teacher was right in the way she behaved, but I do not get the impression she was being horrid for the sake of it, just daft. And FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing about downplaying the whole FB saga.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Hassled... I said it because it's exactly what I would have done myself... and would have sweated over it like you are.

Make an excuse in a week or so, to pop in and see the teacher and make your peace, she'll appreciate it. It sounds like she has a good relationship with your son. Don't worry! Nothing that can't be smoothed over.

[Hassled]

izzy :o

[Hassled]

LyingWitch - you've said exactly what I've been afraid of. I should have slept on it. And I shouldn't have copied it in to anyone. She's young and she made an error - a big error, I think, which she needs calling on (you just can't hold one child up to the class and make a mockery of them like that with no thought to the repercussions, and DS2 isn't the sort of robust kid who could possibly handle it) but it needn't have gone further.

DS2 has very poor people skills. This is the Aspergic part of his Dyspraxia. He struggles to read people and struggles to realise when it's appropriate to stop talking. But the teacher should know this.

MyCatHasStaff (great name) - thank you.

Anyway - it's done, and I can't undo it. I suppose the teacher has to get used to Nuts Parents With Raised Hackles - this is all part of her learning experience :o.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

WTF you've done is most probably reduced a young teacher to a trembling jelly fearing that you'll make an official complaint about her- if this is the case, it won't be the last time as it seems to be an occupational hazard for anyone working with children these days.

Have a word with her on Friday to get her version of events, and tell your ds that he's now an Honorary EastEnder and he should wear his title of 'Flower' with pride.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I can understand why you were angry but I think I would have held onto the e-mail for a little while. Too late now, I know.

As Worra says, some teachers and pupils banter back and forth - appropriately - and it's the FB element that has kicked it all off. Perhaps it would have been forgotten by now if not for that.

I don't know if your DS banters with the teacher or not, perhaps the teacher enjoys debates about religion with the pupils, not every teacher would appreciate or encourage pupil debate. It would be a shame if the relationships changed just because of an incident that you weren't privvy to. Tolerance goes both ways and you say yourself that your son is an 'annoying millitant aetheist'. Does he have good people skills himself? Ability to fit in with classmates, knows where the lines are with the teachers and so on?

As far as copying in the Head of Year, I think that was overkill personally, you went over the teacher's head and didn't give him/her a chance to explain themselves. You could have gone in to have a word with the teacher yourself to get the sense of what happened.

I don't know, OP, it's hard to be objective when it's your own child. I know that my sense of perspective can fly out of the window easily. I save all my e-mails to draft till the next day for that very reason.

[MyCatHasStaff]

You will not have done your DS any harm. Sometimes you need to demonstrate that your DS has vocal and strong support at home to make these 'amusing' teachers think twice. She may or may not have been trying to be funny, but she's missing the mark with your DS and she needs to back off and find another way to reach him. So he has opinions? So what? I have always taught my DS to have his own opinions and make his own decisions and believe me, teenagers need that skill. Sorry for ranting you may have gathered my own DS had a similar issue with a juvenile teacher. You sound very restrained. I believe I informed the HoY that the teacher needed to grow up and stop using his position to bait the kids!