So, basically, I fell pregnant last summer, not planned and by a person who I wasn't in a a proper relationship (and am still not). Won't go on about this part but basically advice from doctors, nurses and family was 'have an abortion'. Although I didn't particularly want a child I didn't want to get rid of a child either and so I decided maybe adoption would be best for me. Anyhoo, pressure from parents (cause they just couldn't cope with adoption, but abortion was fine) led me to an abortion clinic where I was treated very badly, and where I ran out the door crying, still pregnant.
Naturally it wasn't eay to move on from this experience, but I tried my best. I decided to keep the baby, and just kept trying to think of that first cuddle I'd have with them after they were born, when they are all fresh and naked and new, to try and get me over the bad times.
Fast forward 8 months, and 6 days overdue I went into labour. I'd planned a homebirth, but due to irregularities detected when the midwife came over I had to go to hospital. A sudden drop in the heartbeat meant I was rushed to deilvery with the prospect of having to have a c-section under a general. However luckily heartbeat came back up and so I was put into a normal delivery room. This is where the problem started really. I didn't have a very detailed birth plan, but one thing I'd specified, and it may seem silly to most, was that I didn't want my waters to be broken artificially unless absoloutely necessary. Whilst doing an internal exam to seehow dilated I was, and before I could really say anything (I'm sure everyone appreciates how mush of a daze you go into and so you can't always focus on whats going on), suddenly they had one of those hook things inside me and my waters were broken. At the time I didn't really care as was in so much pain (and really tired), but afterwards when I asked why they'd been broken no-one seemed to think it was because it was actually necessary, it was just the 'done' thing.
25 hours of labour later, during which I was forced to mostly stay on the bed due to what felt like thousands of monitors being shoved on me so I couldn't move (I'd said in my birth plan I wanted to be able to move around) I was told I'd have to have a c-section. Fair dos I thought, I was exhausted by that point, so off to theatre we went. When putting in the local anaesthetic, they did the cold spray and pin prick test to see if it was working. I kept saying I could feel it, even though by that point I couldn't feel my legs. Then suddenly it seemed the screen was up and they started the c-section. Although it didn't hurt in the way you might think, it still hurt quite a bit, and they told me to 'relax' as they couldn't get through a muscle. Well I challenge anyone to relax when their stomach is being cut open under an ineffective local, and whilst lying on a tilted bed that felt really small. Then suddenly they announced they'd have to do a general and within minutes I was under.
A couple of hours later I woke up in recovery, alone, my baby wasn't there.I was then wheeled up to the postnatal ward where eventually my baby was brought to me, cleaned, dressed and fed.
I don't know what I'm hoping for, I know I can't change anything, I guess I just feel annoyed that they carried on the c-section when the local obviously hadn't worked. I wouldn't have cared that I'd had what was to be fair a rubbish labour if I could've seen my baby in that new innocent state that I'd looked forward to seeing for so long. I'll never get that moment again. I've seen photos of him when he was about half an hour old, but it's not the same :(
I now feel so detached from my baby it's unreal, and keep feeling like giving him up for adoption as I'd originally planned all those months ago.