To feel completely robbed :.(

[Ems101]

So, basically, I fell pregnant last summer, not planned and by a person who I wasn't in a a proper relationship (and am still not). Won't go on about this part but basically advice from doctors, nurses and family was 'have an abortion'. Although I didn't particularly want a child I didn't want to get rid of a child either and so I decided maybe adoption would be best for me. Anyhoo, pressure from parents (cause they just couldn't cope with adoption, but abortion was fine) led me to an abortion clinic where I was treated very badly, and where I ran out the door crying, still pregnant.

Naturally it wasn't eay to move on from this experience, but I tried my best. I decided to keep the baby, and just kept trying to think of that first cuddle I'd have with them after they were born, when they are all fresh and naked and new, to try and get me over the bad times.

Fast forward 8 months, and 6 days overdue I went into labour. I'd planned a homebirth, but due to irregularities detected when the midwife came over I had to go to hospital. A sudden drop in the heartbeat meant I was rushed to deilvery with the prospect of having to have a c-section under a general. However luckily heartbeat came back up and so I was put into a normal delivery room. This is where the problem started really. I didn't have a very detailed birth plan, but one thing I'd specified, and it may seem silly to most, was that I didn't want my waters to be broken artificially unless absoloutely necessary. Whilst doing an internal exam to seehow dilated I was, and before I could really say anything (I'm sure everyone appreciates how mush of a daze you go into and so you can't always focus on whats going on), suddenly they had one of those hook things inside me and my waters were broken. At the time I didn't really care as was in so much pain (and really tired), but afterwards when I asked why they'd been broken no-one seemed to think it was because it was actually necessary, it was just the 'done' thing.

25 hours of labour later, during which I was forced to mostly stay on the bed due to what felt like thousands of monitors being shoved on me so I couldn't move (I'd said in my birth plan I wanted to be able to move around) I was told I'd have to have a c-section. Fair dos I thought, I was exhausted by that point, so off to theatre we went. When putting in the local anaesthetic, they did the cold spray and pin prick test to see if it was working. I kept saying I could feel it, even though by that point I couldn't feel my legs. Then suddenly it seemed the screen was up and they started the c-section. Although it didn't hurt in the way you might think, it still hurt quite a bit, and they told me to 'relax' as they couldn't get through a muscle. Well I challenge anyone to relax when their stomach is being cut open under an ineffective local, and whilst lying on a tilted bed that felt really small. Then suddenly they announced they'd have to do a general and within minutes I was under.

A couple of hours later I woke up in recovery, alone, my baby wasn't there.I was then wheeled up to the postnatal ward where eventually my baby was brought to me, cleaned, dressed and fed.

I don't know what I'm hoping for, I know I can't change anything, I guess I just feel annoyed that they carried on the c-section when the local obviously hadn't worked. I wouldn't have cared that I'd had what was to be fair a rubbish labour if I could've seen my baby in that new innocent state that I'd looked forward to seeing for so long. I'll never get that moment again. I've seen photos of him when he was about half an hour old, but it's not the same :(

I now feel so detached from my baby it's unreal, and keep feeling like giving him up for adoption as I'd originally planned all those months ago.

My baby boy is 4 weeks old, so not that old at all really. I know I should be patient as everything is still settling down in terms of hormones.

I'm lucky to have him as he is a fab little chap :), I just keep feeling almost angry that we missed each other at his birth. I keep worrying that he was scared and wondering where his mum was (sounds silly I know, but still). I learnt afterwards from my mum (she was my birth partner) that he was taken up to special care straight away to have some antibiotics, and then was just left in an empty room on his own. They said my mum could come back down to see me, but (thankfully) she was insistant she stay with him until someone else was with him before she'd come back. She waited with him for almost an hour before anyone came. What if she hadn't been there, or had come back to me, my baby would've spent the first hour of his life in an empty room, not having been fed, and alone (he eventually had a bottle when my mum came to see me to ask if that was ok).

Just seems like eveythings happened at once, hopefully it means I will have a clear run for the rest of his life and everything will be grand.

I would be quite angry in your circumstances.

Don't worry about the 'what ifs' though, your Mum was there, so he wasn't alone.

You have him now, there will be plenty regrets over the years, all you can do is worry about the now.

My DH has the same choice with DD - he could come back to me or stay on SCBU with DD in an incubator. He chose to stay with her. In those early weeks it does feel quite scary when you think of the possibility of them being alone.

I've have 2 DCs. Was induced early with first and he was taken to SCBU immediately. I was put in a room on my own so the sight of other mums with their babies wouldn't upset me.

2nd was EMCS and was taken straight to SCBU, again I was put in a room on my own.

I was prodded and poked, wired up to machines, injected and talked over, wheeled about and patronised. I feel sad that I know I will never have any more children and I don't know what it's like to go into labour whilst watching the tv, to wonder if that little twinge is 'it', to hold my baby as soon as it is born. I do feel sad about that. It's not how I wanted it to be. But it's the way my babies were born. I love them more than I ever thought possible now.

But 12/5 years on, it still saddens me.

I just hope that knowing people have had similar experiences and that other good and happy mums also felt differently once will help you to see that you can get past this.

Congratulations on the birth of your DS. If we were face to face I'd give you a very un-MN hug as I had a similar birth and it is really hard. You go through a whole range of feelings - anger, relief, sadness and each of these is valid - your birth was difficult and traumatic. Not only has your body been through a lot but emotionally you have, too. You need some answers, so I agree that a debrief would help. I would also say to contact the birth trauma association. Maybe not yet, but in a few weeks or months when you are ready to talk. I didn't contact them for a year, but they really helped me to come to terms with it and feel able to move on and enjoy my child. Hope that helps a little and that you feel better soon.

My lovely. Your son is 4 weeks old. You have been caring for him for 4 weeks - that shows that you do love him and care for him and have bonded with him.

If you hadn't of bonded he would be in a very poorly state now wouldn't he!!

I certainly did not have the rush of love with my first and in hindsight I do think I was depressed and VERY tired which was playing with my emotions BUT the fact that you know that things aren't quite right shows that you love him and you will completely bond with him in time.

I felt equally angry after hospital mishandled birth of my DD. Long story but lucky that managed to avoid EmCS as spinal block, episiotomy and forceps did the trick in the end. Post birth I spent first hour being stitched up and was shaking, freezing cold, and so exhausted I kept doing that dropping off to sleep then waking immediately thing. I didn't trust myself to hold my DD in case I dropped her, so all the planned post-birth skin-to-skin, lots of cuddles and then me dressing her for first time didn't happen. I felt that I was an awful mother as I couldn't hold my child and was so exhausted that after shaking stopped I still didn't really hold her as kept dropping off to sleep. DH did everything for DD in her first 24 hours, apart from BFing which, miraculously, she took to immediately which is the only thing that made me feel connected to her at first.

It took me many weeks to stop feeling so traumatised and shocked, and a few months for it to no longer be at the forefront of my mind. On the occasions when I do think about it now (nearly a year on) I'm still angry that mistakes were made that led to a traumatic birth for me and DD, and the phrase "robbed" certainly chimes with me, however I'm now able to be more accepting of the situation in a "well, that's what happened, no changing it now" kind of way but I think that is because the birth and first day with DD is now such a small percentage of my memories of her. As your DS grows, you'll have memories of first smile, giggle, rolling over, first time he holds his arms up to you for a cuddle... All of these wonderful moments are waiting for you and each one will push the birth experience further to the back of you mind so it will no longer dominate your thoughts or cast a shadow over your relationship with your DS.

One piece of advice I wish I'd followed - please do speak to PALS about getting some answers to the many questions I'm sure you have. I didn't feel strong enough (didn't dare open what I considered to be a "can of worms" as I was trying to put on a brave face and ignore my feelings) and I do regret now not getting answers to my questions. I occasionally consider contacting PALS from my birth hospital but haven't done so as it is so long since the birth I doubt there can be any clear answers, and I doubt I'll be taken seriously. I now worry that these feelings of trauma and anger will return with fear added if/when I'm expecting DC2.

Wishing you and your DS well. The bond will come.

you sound like you may possibly be suffering from PND maybe ad GP for help i wish I had remeber its nothing to be ashamed of

Queen that middle paragraph is so true for me too and hopefully one day for OP. 5 years down the line I hardly ever think about my birth and actually managed to watch the last series of One Born Every Minute, which seems silly but was a massive acheivement for me to be able to 'be around' births.

Hopefully with a supportive MW in your pre-care you will be able to enjoy DC2 when that happens for you. But thanks for the post anyway.

OrdinaryJo Really glad to hear that it gets easier. Not silly at all about not being able to "be around" births, I used to cry and switch over in a panic when adverts for "One Born Every Minute" were on. I can now cope with the adverts but avoid any episodes of "One Born Every Minute" and must admit that birth scenes in films or tv programmes still floor me, but less so as time goes on. I'm determined not to let DD's birth put me off having the family we hoped for.

Oh sweetheart I was right there for a good couple of years but it does get easier, I promise. I think the worst was when I went for a smear, didn't really think it through I suppose, and then had raging hysterics all over the surgery the second the nurse dared to lay a hand on me .

I'm not going to say 'you'll be fine' (to OP either for that matter) because it doesn't magically go away and I still am implacable about not having another DC but there is support from MW, hospital etc to help you have DC2 - I still remember my Community MW saying 'no, we are not going to let this limit your family' and I believed her, even in the state I was in.

Ems, what an awful experience for you . You've had lots of excellent advice here but just wanted to add that there is a Birth Crisis helpline. If you don't feel the hospital or GP are helping, then it may be useful to talk through it with someone else.

Ems. I'm another one who's right there with you. The bond comes I swear. Don't know when it will be for you, 9 months for me. It sort of snuck up on me. But when it does it's wonderful.

Please, please stop thinking the way you are feeling is ANYTHING to do with any of the following being 20, not being married, thinking about an abortion etc etc. I was an old git (36) married etc and I felt exactly the same. You are not alone.

What you went through was traumatic. Full stop. I wish someone had been there to say that to me. You went through a lot - and it was less than 30 days ago. I too had (well meaning) family saying move on, forget. It took 15 months for me to go for a debrief and it was the best thing I could have done.

The feeling of being cheated will fade. But your feelings are valid.

Be proud of your mothering skills.

OP I too had an awful pregnancy and a traumatic birth experience and didn't bond with my DD for months after. It was only after she was about a year old I managed to pluck the courage to ask for my birth notes from the hospital to try and find out why it had gone wrong and why I ended up with an EMCS and suspected DVT after - was in hospital 5 days and totally depressed when I got home. I didn't realise I had PND straight away and things hit rock bottom.

Things do get better, eventually, but it's all the questions etc you ask yourself about why things turned out as they did that I think drive you nuts! When you are ready you can request a copy of your birth notes. I found that helped me. My DD is 4 now and I feel so close to her, it's as if those first few months and how hard it all was has made our bond that much more special (I wouldn't have thought it back then though).

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but don't make any rash decisions.

I went through a section with no pain relief so I know exactly what you are going through. My story even hit the papers and I pushed for the hospital to see where they went wrong in the hope one less person has to go through this ordeal. I wasn't put under but that was my choice and the fact the only person in the room who was there for me was my husband and he would have had to leave if I had been put out. So I stuck it out, 30 minutes of torture and I was handed my baby as soon as they took her out. But I was in shock and I was shaking so much the last thing I needed was a baby on my chest, I thought I was going to die.

After my section something was still inside me (could have been a swab they never told me) and I was left fighting for my life leading to further surgery. This time I was left with a 5cm deep and 7cm across open wound and I was nursed at home for 6 months. No-one thought I would survive but I did. I do now have PTSD though and I am waiting for specialist help in the hope I can live one day without flashbacks and panic attacks.

As for bonding with my baby, it took about 6 months. I feel very guilty about this and although I know it wasn't my fault, as it isn't yours, there is so much pressure for you to love your baby from the moment you give birth. My health visitor told me I would fall in love one day and it would take time. I didn't believe her, I asked her to take the baby away many times. But one day I did fall in love with my baby and it was the most amazing thing I have ever known.

For me it is as clear as day. One of the first times I ever went out with her when I was able to when she was 6 months I was walking through a shopping center. I saw other mums pushing their babies who all had toys in their prams. I looked at my baby who had nothing. I went to a toy shop and picked up a toy caterpillar and waved it at her. She looked straight at me and smiled and I fell in love. I sat outside the shop and held her in my arms for what seemed like hours crying and repeating over and over that I loved her. This was the most magical moment of my life. But like I said it took 6 months.

If you want to speak to me please send me a message and I will happily support you through this as best I can as I know exactly what you are feeling right now. But please don't give up on your baby cos one day you will feel like every other mummy.

Another one here who knows this feeling... Really similar to my dd1's birth actually. There is an organisation that supports people who have been through traumatic births, can't remember it's name but will check. Also, some good counselling to just get all your feelings out and organised in your own head might help. I found it hard to talk about, thinking people would feel like I should get over it now dd was here, but it's a very traumatic and distressing event and should be dealt with as such.

You've been through a hell of a time by the sound of it, and you've done 4 weeks! You need to acknowledge your experience though. Good luck, and congratulations.

Glitteryturd - reading your post has actually made me cry!
I never cry!

Goodness gracious, the way you were treated is disgraceful!

I get so angry when I read (all too often, unfortunately) how hcps seem to treat younger mothers.

You do not have to put up with this - at the very least they owe you an apology and some support to get over the experience. for you.

If you aren't breastfeeding you might want to look into relactation, that should help with bonding as the skin-to-skin contact and oxytocin are perfect for that purpose. It might also help your mental health.

You do sound really down, and I'd be worried about PND. As for your experiences, births very rarely go to plan (2 out of my 3 were dragged out early due to obstetric cholestasis, so two very medical births, and on the only natural birth I had, I felt bullied out of my birth plan by the MW and was totally unsupported by my DP)
What happened was for the best, you now have a beautiful baby who loves and needs you at your best. I hope you can try to put it behind you and move on with your new life as a mummy. Life rarely goes to plan, but as the saying goes, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!
Congratulations on the SAFE ARRIVAL of your precious little one. Spend these days marvelling at how lucky you are, they grow up SO fast!

I'm so sorry to hear about the horrible things you've been through. I also had my waters broken without my consent, and was treated with contempt by my midwife during labour, and felt totally violated by it. I spent the first couple of months of my baby's life feeling like I was 'broken' in some way, and would never be the same person again. It was a terrible, intolerable feeling, but it did pass, and it really didn't take that long for the memory to fade. I would say I was more or less over the horrible birth by the time my baby was about four months old, and completely over it by the time he was a toddler. I've since had another child, with a really positive labour. The phrase 'time heals' is the biggest cliche going because it's true! Just go easy on yourself, keep things simple, and things do get better.

Thanks again everyone :)

Well the hospital have contacted me and I am due to see someone next week, so hopefully that will bring me some answers :o

Similar experience here , i really would recommend getting in touch with birth trauma associasion , as someone else said , they do understand and it makes a big differance having someone to talk to who gets it .

I'm so sorry you have experienced this. I have never given birth before so cannot say I understand fully but I can only imagine how traumatic this all must feel for you.

I was struck by your posts as coming across with a sense of depression, especially with the feeling detached from your baby part, but then I am no expert.

I really hope things work out and I hope you get the answers you need to move on from this.

Ok, so just to update, but firstly a massive thank you to everyone, your replies really did help me through what turned out to be a very dark time.

I went to the hospital and went through my birth notes, and I can definately say I feel much better. I won't bore you with all the details, but basically it was just bad luck that meant my birth turned out the way it was, wasn't due to anyone doing anything wrong. Although it was still a shame it happened, at least now I feel like nothing else could've been done to prevent it happening that way.

I feel much more attached to my boy now, I definately knew something was there when I went for a walk with my friend through town the other day, me pushing the pram, her carrying my baby cause he was crying. People were turning in the street and looking at my baby saying 'Awwww', and I actually felt jealous! I felt like shouting 'It's MY baby!'. I think if I wasn't bothered about him I certainly wouldn't feel like that.

Thanks again, it's down to lovely people like you that I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel :)