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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think visitors( distant relatives you have never met) should not think it is okay to stay for a week.

72 replies

cherrysodalover · 28/06/2011 20:59

I'm venting.

On holiday dropped in to see husband's cousin- another branch of the family was visiting and they mentioned they were coming to our part of the country.Kindly my husband said-you are welcome to stay...thinking a couple of nights as this is what reasonable people may think is okay when you have a toddler.

So it turns out to be 9 days- 4 people- other relatives who had come over for an event.
They are due to go and I am blumin knackered- cooking huge meals every night. Would you not think they would give us a night off and go for a meal whilst on holiday....no no just "What time shall we be back for dinner?"

Dropped so many hints ...none taken.
I have instructed my husband to never ever make such a polite offer again.

What kind of people think it is okay to stay a week with relatives they have never met before?Stay in every night and expect to be given the tourist show at the weekend when it is the only time we get for quality time together?

That feels better to have said it....I just cannot believe the cheek of it to be honest.Are any of you okay with distant relatives just turning up with only a week of notice to use your home like a full board hotel?

OP posts:
LolaRennt · 29/06/2011 02:51

YANBu, even a tiny bit

thumbwitch · 29/06/2011 03:53

YANBU.
This however:
"I had no idea people could be so assuming, thick skinned and tight arsed all at the same time."
IME, these things tend to go together!!

Whenever I go over to the UK to stay at my Dad's house, I am the one who buys the food. If we go out for a meal, Dad will sometimes pay but in general I buy and cook the food whenever I am in of an evening (which isn't often over a 3week period!) Mind you, I know that if Dad ever came over here exactly the same situation would apply - I'd buy and cook the food and Dad would pay if we went out for a meal!

Some cultures do expect to do the full host thing though - when I went to stay with a friend of my Dad's in Hong Kong, I wasn't expected or allowed to buy or pay for anything - but then Dad's friend was a wealthy HK CHinese business woman, so that may have had more to do with it than culture, I don't know?

Original poster
cherrysodalover · 29/06/2011 04:32

oh guys thanks for empathising....we cracked open our champagne reserved for the wedding anniversary just now, so delighted we are that we are rid....what along week.

Parents/close relatives are really welcome but people you have never met....come on.
They had left their cafe loyalty card on the table so only 5 more toasted sandwiches till we get a free one......flabbergasted is the word.Times ten.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrysodalover · 29/06/2011 04:34

Going to put our feet up in front of the telly for the first time since we returned from our holiday- talk about ruining the post holiday relaxed feeling!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 29/06/2011 04:47

really hope you're not in the UK, cherrysoda!! 4:30am is no time to be drinking champagne! Grin

Adversecamber · 29/06/2011 05:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/06/2011 05:57

I'm in Australia, my husband's Australian, and I'm sure I've complained on here before about the fact that when we visit his family, who live interstate, we are basically not allowed to get a hotel or a hire car, we should stay with them and ask for lifts, and woe betide us if we want to go out for a dinner on our own. Everything has to be done with them, and it's all a big deal.

If we want to go to that city and not make it entirely about visiting them, we actually don't tell them, and just stay in a hotel for a couple of nights.

So maybe it is a cultural thing? An Australian thing? I'd never guessed that before. I suppose Australia is so far from anywhere that just scraping up the flight cost usually wipes people out. But still.

EmmaBemma · 29/06/2011 06:25

I just went to the States for a friend's wedding for a week and stayed with her parents, who I'd met just once, at our graduation ten years ago. In my defence...

  • they insisted I should stay with them, and I was effusively grateful
  • I arrived laden with presents
  • I helped with lots of pre-wedding tasks
  • I did washing up, loaded the dishwasher
  • I didn't expect to be cooked for at all

so I think it was OK, but I was very nervous about staying so long with people I hardly knew and imposing on them.

redwineformethanks · 29/06/2011 10:59

I'm in the minority here as I don't think it's that unreasonable for family to come and visit for 9 days.

However I think a considerate house guest should make their hosts' life easier by tidying up, cleaning, cooking or paying for dinner etc

As a host you could be polite but quite direct eg "Could you please strip your bed and put the sheets in the machine" "Could you please get in some food for dinner tonight" etc to make it easier for yourself

Original poster
cherrysodalover · 29/06/2011 11:18

Tortoise that is interesting and to be considered and they clearly thought it was utterly normal but I just think it is really assuming to think that 9 days is just totally acceptable. I think what irked me is their bragadocious monologues we had to listen to each night, their constant shopping, so more than generous with themselves, but just so cheap about spending any money on food and clearly accommodation.If you turn up and stay with people you have never met down to some tenuous family link you either bend over backwards with contributions of time/offers to cook/dessert each night or you bring a gift for the baby or something/or an offer to babysit.

Redwine[Can I just clarify family have stayed for more than a week before, like my mum/dh's lovely sister and family.) We love people we know and have a relationship with staying and it is our pleasure to host them but 4 people you have never met before who did not e mail in advance to say they would be in the country. I guess it was half the parties general attitude of assumptiveness....just very little acknowledgement-eg "we appreciate you cooking this meal when you have a toddler round your ankles, let us cook tomorrow night."Oh and the passive aggresive comments made about our home, child proofing/parenting/dish washing system. Come on, on top of all the rest.

Anyway they are already talking about coming back- just two of them( two other family members from their family were very sweet to be fair) so we have plenty of time to practise our polite refusal of their assumption of bed and board.

ANyway I feel the vent coming to an end. Thanks for listening and sharing your opinions.I am just so very glad the week is behind us and never ever again will we be in this position of having people in my home who are so utterly devoid of self awareness that they can behave this way.

OP posts:
Cantstopshouting · 29/06/2011 12:07

80sbabe Shock what a horrible person.

cherry you definitely deserve a few Wine

Carrotsandcelery · 29/06/2011 12:49

80sbabe I am Shock

Original poster
cherrysodalover · 29/06/2011 16:34

Yep 80sbabe I think your experience is actually many degrees worse than ours.How awful for you- but no doubt she will go through life antagonising people.The gifts bit is dreadful.How do you explain that to little ones.

Anyway time to let it go and ensure it never happens again- we have had many guests but never this kind of experience.Mumsnet is really a useful guide to etiquette- we can all learn a lot by the critical mass of responses on here-

Lesson of this thread

staying more than a few nights with a young family on one income, who you have never met is going to provoke a negative response from 95% of people.....go get a hotel or stay somewhere with people you know and who accept your frugal approach to holidays!

OP posts:
oldraver · 29/06/2011 19:09

Cherry.... did yopu provdide as in buy all the food they ate ? did they not go to the supermarket with you and do a shop ?

G1nger · 29/06/2011 19:24

And I thought my partner's aunt is rude and cheap...

knobbysEx · 29/06/2011 19:50

Oh my god, YADNBU!!!!
The only way to get over this is to get even! :o)

LucyGoose · 29/06/2011 19:57

My mum was a very generous woman, who had loads of friends since she lived overseas for many years. One summer, I got a call from her that her friends 19 yr old son and his GF were coming to stay with me for a week before he had shoulder surgery. Hmm He and the gf proceed to plant themselves in front of my tv all week, eating all the food out of the fridge & leaving empty wrappers in freezer, adjust the air-conditioning unit to very cold (amounting to a huge electric bill) and not offering one cent. I would come home from work to a messy house and slackers snogging on my couch. I was livid! My mum just shrugged it off since she wasn't even in the same country as me.

Cherry - you have my sympathy!

thumbwitch · 30/06/2011 03:00

80sbabe - I missed your post about the children's card and presents before - how absolutely vile! I hope karma gets that woman good and proper, she sounds an utter bitch. :(
I really really hate when people are so fucking ungrateful. Angry

I went to Russia once, with my Dad. He took me to a school where they learn English from a very early age, so I could converse with the 6 and 7 year olds in the class I visited. One of them gave me a treasure of his - a piece of lead with a star pattern printed on it. He really wanted me to have it, I checked with the teacher whether I should actually take it or give it back to her to return to him later - she said "no no, you must take it or he will be hurt". That was nearly 20 years ago and I still have that piece of lead - silly perhaps to keep it now, as he could never know - but I would know and feel bad that I discarded that child's treasure so lightly when he wanted me to have it so badly.

MovingGal · 30/06/2011 04:15

I would like to assure everyone that it is most certainly not the Australian culture to be a freeloader. Maybe many years ago? Not today, or in my day anyway.
My SIL lives on a farm a fair way out of town and when we visit we stay with her but I always seem to work harder there trying to be a good guest than I would at home! I always do a big shop and bring home goodies each day (we hire a car) and always have them to stay when they head our way.
Other than SIL, I always prefer to stay in a hotel. When we toured the UK many years ago I didn't even like the one B&B we stayed in because it felt like we were intruding in someones house.
If I am visiting someone fine but if I am visiting a place then I much prefer a hotel.

By the way, I have some holidays coming up, I wouldn't be much trouble......:)

Morloth · 30/06/2011 06:00

I think it might be cultural as I am always putting noses out of joint by insisting on staying in hotels. Which is weird because I love having houseguests but hate being one.

Many Australians don't do hints etc. You need to say: 'you are pissing me off, stop it'.

Used to make me crazy in the UK the polite 'dance' that people do, because I could never figure out what they were trying to say.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/06/2011 07:01

Yeah, I don't really know. My MIL, while Australian, grew up in Malaysia and one of her parents is Malaysian, so I never know what is Australian culture and what is Malaysian culture and what is just her being a bit batty.

lesley33 · 30/06/2011 08:12

YANBU to be annoyed and glad they are going.

YABU to assume all cultures feel the same way about puttinbg up distant relatives. I don't know about Australian culture so can't comment on this instance here. But in some other cultures it would be considered very rude not to put up even very distant relatives for a longish period of time.

This can be tough on the hosts, but it comes from the idea that family comes first and that family members should always help each other out - and that includes family members who you may never have ,et.

So no, not everyone will automatically think that there is anything wrong with staying with people in this way. But you are perfectly entitled to say no sorry its not possible to put you up. Because although it may be acceptable to be a guest like this in some countries, you are at liberty to go along with our cultural expectations which are that its rude to do this.

I have heard people from other countries complain about how the British aren't up front about what is considered polite and what is considered rude. They simply haven't understood hints that may seem obvious to you or me.

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