To think visitors( distant relatives you have never met) should not think it is okay to stay for a week.

[cherrysodalover]

I'm venting.

On holiday dropped in to see husband's cousin- another branch of the family was visiting and they mentioned they were coming to our part of the country.Kindly my husband said-you are welcome to stay...thinking a couple of nights as this is what reasonable people may think is okay when you have a toddler.

So it turns out to be 9 days- 4 people- other relatives who had come over for an event.
They are due to go and I am blumin knackered- cooking huge meals every night. Would you not think they would give us a night off and go for a meal whilst on holiday....no no just "What time shall we be back for dinner?"

Dropped so many hints ...none taken.
I have instructed my husband to never ever make such a polite offer again.

What kind of people think it is okay to stay a week with relatives they have never met before?Stay in every night and expect to be given the tourist show at the weekend when it is the only time we get for quality time together?

That feels better to have said it....I just cannot believe the cheek of it to be honest.Are any of you okay with distant relatives just turning up with only a week of notice to use your home like a full board hotel?

I never want to see them again- actually three of them were fine but the matriarch of the group did me in.
I got a little fabric shopping bag and they left one of those loyalty cards( they head off today but have gone to do tourist stuff pre airport)- like eat 9 more sandwiches here and we will give you a free one .This was proffered like frankensence to me earlier in the week.

Some of my in laws will try and stay with people - they once suggested DH contact someone he had last seen when he was a baby and who his mum isn't even in contact with! and they asked if a niece of a friends friend could stay with us for a fortnight.

We say no

If it is someone you wouldn't mind staying for a couple of days I would go down the

'of course you are welcome to stay but we won't be able to put you up for more than 2 nights' no reason necessary

As FIL says, guests are like fish, they start to stink after 3 days (or something)

YADNBU.

I hate having house guests even if I know them well and love them dearly.

Long term guests should also take you out for a meal or get in a takeaway if it is not appropriate to eat out due to children and school etc.

If someone is staying that long they should also help with dishes and bring in some shopping really, unless you are obviously and definitely very wealthy - in which case they should be getting you a lovely box of chocs and bottle of wine.

A "friend" of mine from Uni did this to me once. She stayed for ages in our one bedroom flat, ate us out of house and home, had me drive her everywhere (2 hour drives in some cases), the works, then presented me with a tiny little packet of chocolate raisins and seemed to think she was giving me a diamond ring!

She had also travelled from overseas and seemed to think it was totally acceptable to do this to me.

I was polite and accommodating but have ceased all contact with her since she left

You don't have to give a reason. It's your home, and you and yours were inconvenienced and out of pocket because of their stay.

'I'm sorry we can't accomodate you' is perfect.

Good luck - hopefully there won't be a next time.

YA soooo NBU.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at their nerve. Did they not offer to at least take you out for a meal one night or pick up a takeaway on their way home one evening? And then they buy you toilet roll. I'd be seething.

digginginribs - I am going to write that line down and will role play it with my husband on his return tonight. Thank you.

Going for a nap now before my 18 month old wakes, to recover from the sheer fatigue of a week of inane conversation and bed and breakfast duties.

cheeky don't the children/cats/dogs have worms or fleas or some sort of vomitting virus which may be contagious?

Well they are already talking of returning here - they did say how much they prefer staying in homes as hotels are so impersonal....yeah right!

After strong hints they did indeed get a takeout on the final night but after asking how much anything we suggested cost we made sure it was the local 5 quid( equivalent as we are overseas) a head joint - but it was pulled out under duress.

The thing is some members of the party just went on about how much their property is worth now- we have cleared a million in profit we reckon.

I think that is what got to me the most the incessant bragging but being so cheap. I have never encountered anything on this level ever.

frugal is fine but I can't stand mean people.

I would send them to a link to those 'property swap' websites - that's someones home.

For these people rehearse the line

'i'm afraid we won't be able to accommodate you but we hope you have a wonderful holiday'

some ties are worth cutting

I think there are a lot of cultures where extended family are just expected to host relations who are in the area, and (presumably as an artifact of colonialism) sometimes an idea that relatives in the UK are all loaded and should be supporting other relatives. Of course I have no idea if this is true of your DH's cousin's relatives' culture, just saying it is the case for some. They may have had no idea that what they were doing would be so stressful and unwelcome, or they may have thought it was your duty regardless.

I would hate it and I think YANBU to be annoyed and not want to do it again, but to think that everyone the world over should have the same boundaries around visiting is a little unrealistic.

The way to handle it in the future is to be more vague or make sure your response is obvious about British cultural expectations - "You're coming our way? Oh, you must let us know what hotel you're staying at, maybe we can all go out to dinner one evening".

Let me guess - your guests were visiting from New Zealand? Oz? I've found some of my down under relatives to be the most assuming - turning up and staying for weeks and expecting you'll be fine with it. Am originally from there myself, but still drives me nuts!

YANBU to be fed up

YABU to get in this situation in the first place. WHen your dh offered that they could stay and they said that they were going to stay for 9 days and there was 4 of them why didn't you say 'Sorry but we won't be able to accommodate you for that long / Sorry we only have room for 2 of you' etc etc.

And even if he didn't why didn't you get him to call them and say apologetically that having discussed it with you he was sorry but can only accommodate them for 2 nights?

Or even on the 3rd or 4th night why didn't you jsut say 'we're getting a takeaway tonight - it will be £5 each'

I can get wanting to make people feel welcome but just don't get how you can get into this situation - there MUST ahve been several times where you could have been honest about what YOU wanted - you don't HAVE to just do what others tell you you know!

ok, i understand the situation now. if they are from abroad, i don't think it's that rude - it's how many people afford to travel to distant places, by imposing on distant relatives and friends of friends. IMO, this is part of life and it's rude to turn away guests or let them know they're not welcome. However, since you feel so strongly, now you know though to instruct your DP to never make such an offer again.

I too would hate every minute but I don't think you can begrudge them having come. Though they should have been more gracious and taken you for dinner/prepared meals/helped clean, etc.

I have cousins in Oz and South Africa. And more distant relations in other parts of the world. It was generally expected amongst previous generations in our family that there would always be a spare room or two available for a week or so for people visiting from abroad. I stayed with my godmother (cousin) for 3m back in the 80s. But she lived in a huge house in Jo'burg. Ditto my gparents and aunts/uncles. And there was always one of the host family at home to entertain. It simply isn't the same now. Mum bemoans the fact that my cousin's DD live in London now but never visits them.

Tell them you've gone bankrupt and have to move to a one bed flat.

If they are that tight fisted and don't get any hints they will just wait until you CAN accommodate them. They will not be able to understand that there could be any reason you can't have them stay.

I know. My PIL, SIL and SIL's friend came to visit for 3 nights and stayed for 25 days. Yes 25. I was young and such an idiot. It wouldn't happen now. But at least they ate out most days

I'd never let someone stay in my home that long, i can barely stand one night.
I agree on the food issue, I'd have said, 'we are having takeaway tonight to have a break from cooking, so if you want something to eat fetch your purses.' (I'm horribly blunt and upfront with this sort of thing)

could you just fake illness and take to your bed at tea time so they have to organise themselves? Or just say you are popping out for a romantic meal/ evening - can they babysit? Or can you say you have a lodger in your spare rooms next time they want to visit? No space.

YADNBU.
I also sympathise - we had similar last year, the wife of a cousin we had never met was doing a European Tour and asked to come and stay for a few days.
We said OK but told her we could not have the time off work (as we'd booked a holiday for the week after her visit) so she'd have to amuse herself during the day to a large extent.

She said that was OK as she was "an easy going type". Turned out to be anything but, she didn't get "the working thing" or how our children had to do chores and help out around the house (we have 4 1 SN). She didn't like any local tourist attractions, I took 2 days unpaid off work to show her a few things but she was bored.

The food I cooked was either too much. too little, too hot, too cold, too spicy, needed more seasoning and so on.
She'd ask for a drink then turn down alcohol, fizzy drinks, squash, fruit juice, milk, tea, coffee even the water "tasted funny".
Her bedroom (one ds moved to a camp bed) was too hot, then too cold, the bed wasn't comfortable, she had too many / not enough pillows.
I could get nothing right absolutely nothing.

There was absolutely no pleasing her, she was rude and uncommunicative in the evenings, once she asked if she could help me - I asked her to set the table and she sat down watching tv and ignored me.
The only thing she did do while here was to copy our entire CD collection (well it felt like it) to her Ipod.

Two weeks later we returned from holiday to find a postcard from her thanking DH and DC and telling me I was a terrible host and mother who hadn't looked after her and made her stay miserable with my demands on her holiday time.

Never, never, ever again will I agree to anyone I do not know staying at our house for any length of time.

Op I understand very well what you have been through - it was the longest week of my life.

Beanlet- spot on...they are from the australian culture.

Chandelina-I don't care if you are from a distant country- it is rude to think 9 days( it originally was) is okay to impose on relatives of your own cousin you have not seen in 40 years. They did not say we will be in X for 9 days when they mentioned it as this was not disclosed till they arrived.

Their flights were free on air miles. They even e mailed to say they would return their hire car and manage on public transport- we are in a city where this is nearly impossible and everyone knows it-I said now ay they needed their car. The first conversation they started within minutes of getting into the house was how outrageous it was the extra fee for hiring the car so they had returned it and gone to another company. First time I have been delighted to run one car which my hubby uses each day for the commute.

I do not feel comfortable saying-now you can cook tonight or its takeaway....to be honest they would have just let us pay.

You should not put people in that position-just to have a very cheap holiday....and 5 days running they went shopping.....stacks of stuff.I feel like we have sponsored their shopping trip to be honest.

80sbabe...poor you.The postard....oh my I bet you have had never seen them again.....any of that and I will be communicating my own feelings! Bit of that this end with.....why do you do this on the draining board and stuff to do with my son's safety.........oh my I thought I would melt with annoyance towards the end.

Cherry - we have laughed about it since - in a black comedy sort of way. Occasionally the Dc will say they are not helping today as they are having an X day

The postcard really hurt as I did everything I could to try and make her feel at home and welcome. She criticised us working and DC at nursery but that is our life. She was also from Oz and I just came to the conclusion that her lifestyle was obviously poles apart from ours.

Chalk it up to experience and be happy that you can take the moral high ground knowing you'd be a much better guest to anyone if it came to it

Oh I forgot to add as well, my children gave her presents to take home - just small items but nice ones and my dd made her a card at school (it was Christmas time).
When she had gone we found the card torn in two under the bed and the presents stuffed in a pillowcase down the side of the bed.
That really did hack me off !!

80sbabe - hope you sent a nice honest postcard back saying that you thought it only fair, if she wanted to do the honesty thing, to let her know that she was the worst guest you have ever encountered and letting her know all the reasons why. Can't dish it out without expecting to receive something in return.

Cherry - shame the guests have gone - if they'd been as many and as bad as you describe and you'd had nothing to do with inviting them, I'd have been so tempted to present them with a bill for their share of the stay . What's the worst that could happen - they never come to stay again. Result! You could always blame dp - as in oh didn't he tell you that we don't have expensive big houses and lots of money like you, really sorry but we just can't afford to put up 4 people for so long without them sharing the costs etc. Go on, send it now and make a deduction on it for the washing powder and loo roll they gave you. Bet they bought the cheapest stuff they could rather than the brands you actually use didn't they?

And bet your dh cousin was glad to see you drop in (had he suggested it?!?) and saw it as a way of offloading his freeloading replies onto somebody else sooner than they would have got rid of them otherwise...

I feel your pain. We lived in The Netherlands for 6.5 years and had very few visitors apart from parents and some very close friends. Now we've moved to Australia, every bugger that we've ever made eye contact with in the supermarket seems to be inviting themselves over to stay. DH and I have got polite refusal down to a fine art. "How lovely it would be to see you, we must meet up for dinner one night! Which hotel are you going to be staying at?" There are usually some very long pregnant pauses which I resolutely ignore.
Some people are so bloody cheeky. We had some very distant acquaintances tell us they wanted to come and stay for 3 weeks and got the shits when we said it wasn't convenient because they had already booked their flights. I still didn't have them to stay.
TBH, the worst were DH's parents. My parents had arranged 12 months in advance to come and see us for 4 weeks (but they are my parents) over Christmas one year. On hearing this, DH's parents (who had already been out to see us the previous 2 Christmases) casually announced over the obligatory weekly phone call that they had booked non-refundable flights to come out and stay with us at the same time. Christmas is stressful enough anyway (and DD1 and DD2 both have birthdays within a week of Christmas) without parents and parents in law parking their arses on my sofa for a month.