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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying 'no I don't want to kiss you' is clear enough not to have a date lunge at me anyway? (long)

57 replies

heleninahandcart · 27/06/2011 14:24

Internet first date, walk by the Thames late afternoon. We have spoken on the phone twice. I arrive, I greet him 'kiss' on both cheeks, and introduce myself. Within 30 seconds he has taken my hand as we start to walk around. I disengage several times over the next 10 minutes, then think ok maybe I should loosen up, what's the harm and stop wriggling out of the hand holding.

All going well, we go and sit in some cafe gardens, he is a little 'full on'r/over exuberant with me and strangers milling around (made several women and a couple look uncomfortable by loud comments on clothing/what they are doing/saying etc). I have relax and think he is just very tactile. After a couple of hours, there is an attempt at a snog and I dodge it. We carry on chatting. Hands on bare legs between my thighs which I manage to politely get out of, generally over familiar. I'm trying to give benefit of doubt.

Some things feel 'off' eg I explained I keep my dating life separate from my teenage son, unless its a serious long term relationship. He said he wanted to be sure he could come to my home any time he wanted to if we were together. I explained if I got to that stage I would be happy to spend time at his place until we were sure about things at which point of course he would be part of my life and therefore very welcome. Instinct warning.

Fast forward to 5 hours later, its evening. I feel he is going to go for a snog. I say' really sorry, I don't want to kiss you'. I explain that I am not a big kisser, that snogging is very personal for me and it takes a lot for me to be ready for this. For me if I want to snog them I usually feel I would want to shag them. He asks for a hug, this feels natural I'm happy with this and we have a big, long hug. After a couple of minutes, I'm taking photos of the river, he is standing behind me and nuzzling my neck. He then turns me around at the waist and goes in hard for a snog, I avoid it by having to turn my head a couple of times. I have to really pull away with some strength.

I react badly. Say which bit of I don't want to kiss you didn't you understand? I am straight, I already told you this and I meant it. If I wanted to it would be very very clear, beleive me. I'm very pissed of and feel a bit unnerved. He apologises. I say ok, we walk on although I'm surprised that I'm a bit shaken. A few minutes later, he puts his arms around my waist from behind, I give no encouragement and then very quickly he tries to turn me again. I get very angry.

He calls after me by the name of his last gf. She was 'lovely girl that he finished with after 2 months as he wanted a future with someone' and she couldn't give him enough time as she has a job in different part of the country. He didn't ask her if she wanted a future with him, just finished it. Second instinct alert as if I needed it.

Apparently he wasn't trying to kiss me the second time, just hug to make it up. I believe this. AIBU to have reacted like this, feel I may have given mixed signals being happy with the earlier hug and neck nuzzling but OTOH I was absolutely clear about not wanting to snog him. I think he was unstable, he probably thinks I am.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 27/06/2011 15:11

I think you are very unreasonable. You should have just lain on the ground and had sex with him at once like any normal woman on a first internet date.

Or killed him

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 15:12

block him immediatly

tazmin · 27/06/2011 15:14

lol at the update

i once went for a blind date and when I turned up, he had ghastly teeth! and I was horrified when he went for the snog plunge

I kept thinking how can I get away. In the end after a quick drink & bite to eat, I said I didnt want to be travelling on the train late so quickly escaped that way.

I knew when i saw him it was going to be a disaster lol

Tchootnika · 27/06/2011 15:14

He sounds awful, but 5 hours on first date? With someone who freaks you out after first couple of hours? WTF?

Original poster
heleninahandcart · 27/06/2011 15:20

Re the 5 hours. Yes I know... I did have fun and laugh lots despite the odd behaviour until the lastest incident but yep, should have gone with gut feel and left even if it was awkward. Have always set clear expectations eg coffee for about an hour, on other dates. Live and learn..

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/06/2011 15:20

last part of date was a disaster and that shouldn't happen on first date so he thinks its best we don't see each other again' (as if)

Reply:

thank fuck it dawned on you, best you calm down on first dates and don't try and grope woman in coffee shops and snog them all to quick - learn to take things a little slower may help you to not scare them off so quickly

he is needy - very needy dumped his last girlfriend as she had a life

Original poster
heleninahandcart · 27/06/2011 15:23

Grin at Hully

have to go out for a bit, back later and by all means keep posting.

OP posts:
JanMorrow · 27/06/2011 15:28

ick. don't go on a second date, simple.

maypole1 · 27/06/2011 15:30

I met my oh on line the key to Internet dating is coffee or drinks for first dates only because then if their an arse you can excuse yourself after the second drink, but if you go for dinner you have a good couple of hours before you cam escape

Better luck next time

Nancy66 · 27/06/2011 15:33

With internet dating it is perfectly acceptable to end the date after an hour or so if you don't feel you're compatible. It's a numbers game and it's part of what you sign up for.

MotivatedSperm · 27/06/2011 15:35

The horror of Internet dating. The last Internet date I had seemed ok at first then a few dates in she seemed a bit odd so I put her on a bus and sent her home. 7 years later I'm now married to her and she's expecting my child!

Run for the hills!

spookshowangel · 27/06/2011 15:45

if someone tried to hold my hand on a first date i would probably punch them by accident trying to get myself away from them. all very odd trying to force a connection instead of trying to let one develop naturally.

spookshowangel · 27/06/2011 15:49

5 hours is not that long i went on a internet date that last 8 we met for a drink and then got chatting and when the pub closed we went some were else etc. it was very nice but he didnt try and hold my hand or force a kiss, he did ask if he could kiss me, and i was reluctant. but i did it was nice. we are having a surprise baby now Grin so not all internet dates have creepy endings.

manticlimactic · 27/06/2011 15:56

Weirdo alert!

He told you he shaves?? TMI on a first date.

pretentiouswasteoftime · 27/06/2011 15:57

MotivatedSperm Grin just Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 27/06/2011 15:58

Ew creepy creepy creepy!!

My DP and I met on GSM and our first date (accidentally) lasted overnight - we went out for a meal at a popular pub, stayed talking till 10 min before his last train- and then it was cancelled! That was awkward. However, I knew he was a decent chap when he slept on my sofa and didn't try anything.

If he had put his hand between my legs he'd now be buried somewhere on the Yorkshire moors....

RevoltingPeasant · 27/06/2011 15:59

Motivated did she just stay on the bus till it came back to yours? Grin

NettoSuperstar · 27/06/2011 16:03

He sounds frightening, never mind odd.
Do not see him again.
He doesn't have your address does he?

MotivatedSperm · 27/06/2011 16:05

Nah she went home and by all accounts thought I was a bit of a cock. How we've ended up where we are today is a mystery.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/06/2011 16:08

"feel I may have given mixed signals being happy with the earlier hug and neck nuzzling"

You can go as far as you want and still say no, he has no right to go further than you want.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2011 16:21

He sounds like a bell end. I reckon you've dodged a bullet by finding this out so soon. Onwards and upwards.

happyinherts · 27/06/2011 16:27

heleninahandcart this guy you met by the Thames - he wasn't per chance tall, dark, told you he owned a boat and told you about an ex called Nicola or Nicky????

Sounds awfully similar to someone I met near London Bridge once - and if so - leave it alone, he's a manipulative player who is thrill chasing, that's all

Badgerwife · 27/06/2011 17:16

Totally inappropriate for a first date if you ask me. I would not see someone again who would show such disrespect, especially after you have said no. I think it's a bit odd to be so tactile with someone you are only meeting for the first time.

I can't believe you spent the whole day with the guy, I'd have pretended to have something else to go to after the first inappropriate touch.

I don't understand why he would want the pictures you took, that's also creepy and inappropriate; I would back off altogether and not get into more text conversations with the guy. Horrible horrible horrible.

Badgerwife · 27/06/2011 17:21

Oh, and I also met my DH via the internet and expecting DC1 any minute. He is perfect for me, so it definitely can work out. But he definitely did not try to kiss me on the first date, or indeed hold my hand.

Insomnia11 · 27/06/2011 17:33

Some of the comments on this thread show why women get blamed when men carry out rapes and sexual assaults.

All the "You didn't resist enough" stuff. She quite clearly told him what was acceptable and what wasn't and it was he who overstepped the mark and made her uncomfortable, let's be clear on that.

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