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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was a rubbish excuse?

29 replies

moonsquirter · 27/06/2011 13:39

DH and I did a big family party at the weekend for DSS's fifth and DS's first birthdays. Grandparents, aunts and uncles all came if they weren't actually on holiday, including 7 hour round trip for my DSis and her partner to come. Lovely. Except SIL who phoned in the morning to say she, BIL and their 1yr old twins weren't coming because one DN was teething and his crying out in the night had woken her for a few nights in a row (DN didn't actually wake up and SIL didn't need to get up to go to him). So, too tired for BIL to drive them all 45mins to us...

Tbh, I didn't really mind as it was all quite chaotic anyway with not much space and I find SIL quite dull but she didn't help matters by smugly telling me that being woken in the night was quite a surprise as the twins have slept through since 7 weeks old. My DS regularly wakes in the night for a feed, I work and have two other children - but still made the effort to personally deliver presents to the DNs on their birthday then go to their party. AIBU though to think that if she couldn't be bothered, she could have at least made up a more convincing reason??

DH is very pissed off, especially as she suggested that, to make up for not seeing them, we could spend a Friday visiting them. I reminded her that I am back at work (although she already knows DH works, knows that DD is at school and knows that we only have DSS staying with us at weekends) to which she replied that perhaps we could take a long weekend... WTF?? Why would we want to use our precious holiday (ignoring the fact that we couldn't take DD or DSS) on seeing someone that thinks so little of our childrens' birthday celebrations that they can't go to any effort at all?

She clearly expected sympathy when she called to cancel though and obviously saw herself as gracious hostess when suggesting the replacement return visit - am I missing something, or does she really not give a shit about anyone else's convenience but her own??

OP posts:

itisnearlysummer · 27/06/2011 13:44

you issued an invitation.

they declined and phoned to tell you this.

she issued a counter invitation.

don't see what the problem is.

YABU.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 27/06/2011 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nixea · 27/06/2011 13:46

Not sure I understand this. I can accept that it could have been a bit inconvenient not to know until the morning but them's the breaks with small kids. As for the return invite - I would have said that was her trying to make amends. Are there other issues here that could count towards how annoyed you are?

redskyatnight · 27/06/2011 13:48

Well sleep deprivation if you are not used to it is hard ... I do understand for the desire for an easy life if you have small children, one of whom is grouchy - and don't necessarily blame her for not wanting to make the journey for a children's party (did either child notice they weren't there?)

If you can't make her suggested return date, then just refuse, or suggest an alternative.
Don't see the big drama.

HerHissyness · 27/06/2011 13:49

She offered, you don't have to get around to organising it.

I'd let it go, she's no big mate of yours clearly, you had a good time at the weekend, you do seem to be doing an awful lot though, are you getting enough time for you? You rushing over to deliver the twins pressies is lovely of you, but you perhaps are putting yourself out too much for others that are more relaxed about things. If you are short of time, get the presents delivered by post, 45 minutes is not just popping around the corner.

By the same token, 45 minutes in a car with grizzly teething twins? It may have been a weak excuse, but it could also be true; perhaps her sleep was disturbed a bit and as she is not overly used to it.

meltedchocolate · 27/06/2011 13:52

I also agree that if you are not used to disturbed nights then it's really hard. I'm sorry I think YABabitU

Original poster

moonsquirter · 27/06/2011 13:53

It wasn't inconvenient not to know til the morning, it just seemed that she didn't put a very high priority on celebrating my and DH's childrens birthdays. Don't most people expect a few broken nights sleep with small children and just get on with it? It seemed quite a lame excuse to me. She makes much of how brilliantly she copes with her twins and how life hasn't changed at all - still does the social season, goes out a lot, does lots of sport etc, which is great, but she clearly doesn't put us on the same level of importance.

As for the return invite - why issue one that is virtually impossible to accept unless you have no interest in seeing the people?

OP posts:

tazmin · 27/06/2011 13:53

Oh, you sound like such hard work.

agree, and couldnt even make it through the whole OP lol

TheCrackFox · 27/06/2011 13:57

YABU

Her twins were probably grumpy and would have ruined your party anyway.

itisnearlysummer · 27/06/2011 13:58

well then maybe she finds you a bit high maintenance and she and her DP decided that after a sleepless night they couldn't be bothered.

Perhaps they did issue the counter invitation knowing you wouldn't be able to accept.

We have a family member we do that to. We don't have to spend any time with her, but at least then she can't be accused of not being invited!

Nixea · 27/06/2011 13:58

I really do hope that there are more issues than you're letting on because if not then I think you're giving your SIL a lot of grief for no reason - as every other poster here has already said.

If you don't feel up to going to a party then you don't go - simple. I would hope that any family member would understand and sympathise rather than viewing it from a purely selfish point of view.

LunaticFringe · 27/06/2011 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 27/06/2011 14:04

The normal thing to do in these situations is say "Oh, sorry, that's not going to work, we'll figure out something later" and drop it.

Laquitar · 27/06/2011 14:11

I don't see babies birthdays so important tbh. Lovely if you can make it but not big deal if you cant.
It is funny how they have become more important than weddings, funerals, 65th birthdays etc.

tallulahxhunny · 27/06/2011 14:14

ffs so what honestly!!

you dont like her anyway so why are you bothered,,ffs get a life

Original poster

moonsquirter · 27/06/2011 14:14

Aside from SIL not really ever showing an interest in anything the rest of the family does (DH, their DB etc) while jabbering at length about her own doings, there aren't any other issues with SIL so looks like we just have different expectations of family and going to family gatherings. It's not the impression she'd given previously and I suspect there'd have been mutterings if we hadn't shown up to her twins party, but I'm very happy to accept that it's just us going over the top about family stuff.

Incidentally, I didn't give SIL any grief in person when she called. I commiserated at length and thanked her profusely for her kind invite to hers!

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 27/06/2011 14:15

doesn't sound like she is much loss really. just say that friday is not possible though they re welcome to come (name another date at your convenience)

GetOrf · 27/06/2011 14:19

You don't like your SIL.

You think she is dull.

Why do you CAAAAAAAAARE?

itisnearlysummer · 27/06/2011 14:19

Unfortunately, OP, families are made up of people and people are all different.

As frustrating as it is to you, just accept that you are different, with different priorities and get on with it.

I wonder what her post would have looked like if she'd posted here rather than you?

Portofino · 27/06/2011 14:21

Other people's kids aren't that exciting. I probably made a big fuss over DN1, but by the time there were 3 of them, I had dd and I don't think I have been to one party

superjobeespecs · 27/06/2011 14:28

agree with portofino, my nephew was my wee buddy my best friends wee girls a dream but when my sis had my niece at the start of the year i think ive seen her twice, ive got my own DD to look after and a DS on the way, it may seem selfish but your own kids are your priority and if your SILs 1 year old twins were teething i really dont think she would want them in a massive family gathering with ppl cooing and cuddling when all they'd want is calpol, bonjella and mummy cuddles?

YADBU

fedupofnamechanging · 27/06/2011 14:30

I think it is very two faced to commiserate at length and thank her profusely for her invitation, then come on here and bitch. I know we all sugar coat the truth to make life run smoothly but the poor woman probably thinks you like her.

She is probably tired and doesn't feel like going out. Your DCs birthdays are a big deal to you, but not the be all and end all, for extended family. Think you just have to accept that and when her twins birthday comes around, put the presents in the post if dropping them off inconveniences you too much.

MooMooFarm · 27/06/2011 14:32

You find her 'quite dull'....

SIL probably knows how you feel about her so didn't want to come & spend the afternoon with you. And her excuse was either a genuine one which she leapt upon, or the best she could come up with. Sorry but YABU - and it sounds as if you're relishing having a reason for giving her a slating.

WhoAteMySnickers · 27/06/2011 14:37

At least now you know how the land lies, you needn't feel guilty for making up an excuse having a reason not to visit them in future for events or occasions. Attendance at these kind of things are obviously not as important to her as you thought it was.

TheShowgirl · 27/06/2011 14:41

"she didn't put a very high priority on celebrating my and DH's childrens birthday"

Can you hear yourself? Behave! Stop acting like a princess! The world doesn't revolve around you.

Small children's birthday celebrations are unutterably boring and irritating for many of us. Small children's birthday celebrations after several broken nights' sleep are unutterably boring and irritating to the extent that they can make a person feel quite stabby.

The woman is tired (is that a crime?).

One more thing - it is NOT smug to say that it's a shock to be woken after months of babes sleeping well.

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