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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with the way partner spoke to child

66 replies

Firky · 26/06/2011 22:26

He called my 13 year old dd a stupid fucking bitch .She had however locked him in the shed .
he is a step parent and spent all off 3 minutes in there.

OP posts:
winnybella · 26/06/2011 22:57

Jesus Christ. I can't possibly imagine my DP saying this to his DSS ie my son.

It's totally unacceptable for anyone to speak like this to a child.

He sounds like a twat, tbh. Agree with Fabby.

HerBeX · 26/06/2011 22:57

PITA is pain in the arse

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an extra child in the house. Is it worth it?

NSPCC would categorise that as abuse BTW. (the yelling in her face) Whether you disagree with that or not, it's worth mulling over.

Does he understand that this is abusive language and behaviour and not good enough for your household? Or does he think this is normal and OK?

FabbyChic · 26/06/2011 22:58

I dont care what your daughter done nothing justified being spoken to like that, in order to get respect from chlidren we have to give it. My kids have never been rude to me because I have since they were toddlers always spoken to them as i would like them to speak to me, so it has always been please and thank you on both sides.

Adults cannot command any kind of respect if they do not give it, to call your son a dickhead was a sackable offence too.

Get rid of him and be on your own for a bit, when you do find a man find one that talks to your children with respect so they will treat him the same way.

floweryblue · 26/06/2011 22:59

I have used 'language' with my DSS when he has driven me crazy. His father has disaproved. OTOH DSS dad wants me to police his problematic child.

TheSecondComing · 26/06/2011 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Firky · 26/06/2011 23:04

This is im afraid one of those drip drip threads.

Trouble is ive tried to get rid of him before but he always talks me round or makes me feel sorry for him or just wears me down until i agree to give it another go. God i feel so weak and foolish.

Just need some moral support really. :(

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/06/2011 23:09

Your daughter needs to come first, she shouldn't have to live with someone who treats her like that, harmful for her.

Original poster
Firky · 26/06/2011 23:10

so yes he's a twat and im a twat for letting him.

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 26/06/2011 23:12

Whatever the situation with him and your DD - and I do believe his behaviour was unacceptable - his response is more telling. He shrieked in a teenager's face. There are times even reasonable people lose it. They then calm down and apologise. They don't go and sit in their bedroom and smoking and drinking for hours.

Omigawd · 26/06/2011 23:15

I assume the DC's needle him quite a bit, but even so this is way over the line for an adult. No child needs that sort of behaviour from a "parent".

inatrance · 26/06/2011 23:29

I'd hit the fucking roof if my DH spoke to his DSD (my DD) like that. She's 10 and can also be hard work and they haven't always seen eye to eye, I think that's entirely normal and to be expected to a degree.

However screaming insults is way unacceptable and completely out of order and you are right to be upset. It doesn't matter how angry he was or how your DD behaved, he is supposed to be the adult and to act accordingly. She is a teenager, it's her JOB to be annoying!

The fact that this isn't the first time and he sounds unwilling to stop this behaviour is a big red flag to me. You have to draw the line somewhere and it doesn't sound like you or your kids are happy. If he refuses to change you either have to accept that this is what he is like and risk your kids happiness or make the big decision of getting rid. Words mean nothing, don't look at what he says, look at what he does. He can talk you round and promise you the world but if he doesn't follow it up in actions he's a wrong un.

Does he also speak to you like that?

Original poster
Firky · 26/06/2011 23:38

He can be very derogatory, nasty and as ive realised recently spiteful

He says my annoyance is just conditioning.He was dragged up so to speak I on the other hand wasnt.

I said fuck to my dad when I was about 30 and he didnt talk to me for months afterwards.

and yeah your right inatrance teenagers are supposed to be annoying at times and hard work too.

Adults i feel should have more control over their anger.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/06/2011 23:41

well,she's 13....there is a lot more teenage troubles to come you know. hows he going to handle those?

iscream · 26/06/2011 23:43

Ask yourself ...what kind of a parent will stand by and let someone treat their children like that? You feel sorry for HIM? Where are your values and morals? Your kids well being should come before his.
I would tell him to get out of our lives and not come back.
No excuses. You are a part of the abuse if you let this continue one more day! Well, you are now, but you can smarten up and show some loyalty and love towards your children. Where is their real father at?
I'd lock him in a shed too!

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/06/2011 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaRennt · 26/06/2011 23:44

Umm I wouldn't be with a man who had so little respect as to call any woman a stupid fucking bitch, if he said it to my daughter... well it wouldn't be pretty.

DD on the other hand was way out of order too though.

Original poster
Firky · 26/06/2011 23:50

iscream,you weren't to know but there father is dead.

I tried to replace him i think.

OP posts:
Jux · 26/06/2011 23:51

Yup, gird your loins and get rid. No one should get away with talking to a child like that, let alone screaming it in her face. Totally unacceptable.

Just remember how you felt when he did it, and bring that feeling back to the front of your mind when he tries to talk you round. That should help you stay strong.

Otherwise your daughter is in for a lot more of this abuse.

AuntiePickleBottom · 26/06/2011 23:51

Get rid of him before your dd packs her bags.
My friend did this, once she was 16 and the relationship between her and her mother is very fragile .
She put up with her SDemotinal abuse for too long

Jux · 26/06/2011 23:51

Why did she lock him in, by the way? Was he screaming at her before then too?

pickgo · 26/06/2011 23:52

From everything you say Firky, I think you know deep down yourself. Listen to your own reservations about his behaviour and believe in them.

You sound easily intelligent and sensible enough to spot what's right and what isn't. All you have to do is grant yourself permission to believe in your own judgement.

Whatever he says when he tries to talk you round, you've been together long enough to know him for what he really is. And, I'm afraid, people don't change that much. Fundamentally he sounds immature and selfish and moving towards abusive. Not someone you'd want to expose your children to?

takethisonehereforastart · 27/06/2011 00:01

OP don't worry about it being a drip-drip thread, it can be hard to please everybody with the details you give/don't give, either you are sharing too little and people start asking if it's a "stealth" thread or you share too much and people start to worry you are giving too many details and will be unmasked in real life etc and sometimes report you for your own sake.

I'm a share too mucher.

From what I've read, YANBU. He shouldn't shout that in the face of a 13 year old for the sake of 3 minutes in a shed (unless perhaps he is severely frightened of being locked in/enclosed spaces/the dark/spiders/whatever) and did it in the throws of panic and apologised afterwards.

He's an adult, she's a child. She's old enough to know better, and it sounds like she was spiteful but he sounds much worse. He is also old enough to know better and now he's locked in his room sulking and behaving more childishly than she did.

I don't think I could be with someone who spoke to my child like that.

Original poster
Firky · 27/06/2011 00:11

thanks for the replies every one.even the ones that are directed at my mistakes

I have plenty to think about thats sure.

Im off to bed now but have a feeling i will be back for more wisdom in the coming days and weeks. x

Be sure my children are my priority.

OP posts:
A1980 · 27/06/2011 00:23

"Adults cannot command any kind of respect if they do not give it"

I agree fabby.

Parents should look at their own behaviour alot of the time. My mother was very handy with her mouth and her sarcastic comments when I was young. By god she got it back when i was older and in my teens. I had a great teacher: her! If she hadn't spoken to me in the manner that she did, I would never have spoken to her that way either.

Cause and effect......

IRCL · 27/06/2011 00:29

YANBU, If anyone spoke to my daughter like that they would be gone in a shot.

She is 13, A teenager, they are hard work! You also say he has called your son a dickhead?!

I would pack his bags for him and throw him out if I were you. No one would be allowed to speak to my children like that.

I also agree with the respect aspect, my Dad never has shown respect therefore I don't show him any, it is a two way street.

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