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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just been honest

73 replies

MrsKravitz · 26/06/2011 09:59

Ive been really rude havent I? Again Blush
Someone asked me if I was going to go to a "mums luncheon" with the school mums and I replied "No". When asked why I said "because I dont want to".
Cue awkward silence

Damn my blunt honesty. IWBU wasnt I...should have made up some elaborate lie.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 26/06/2011 16:15

Sometimes honesty can be refreshing. Sometimes it is just an excuse for rudeness.

lesley33 · 26/06/2011 16:19

It is hard to tell which it was in your case without hearing the tone. But the fact that there was an akward silence suggests you were rude.

You don't have to make up lies. No sorry its not my kind of thing would have been fine. Yes you do like lunches, but not with those people. So saying its not your kind of thing could be about the lunch or the people. But its suitably vague not to be rude.

Gay40 · 26/06/2011 16:21

I just say "I'll have to check my diary" which is always true, but is a polite way of saying I can't be arsed.

SinicalSal · 26/06/2011 16:27

A bit rude, but at least you've the grace to be embarrassed about it.

You're not on here smugly inviting compliments on your refreshingly honest spade-naming.

Numberfour · 26/06/2011 16:32

YWNBU. I get a bit tired of telliing half truths or full lies. What are you supposed to say if someone makes an open invitation such as "Would you like to go out sometime? what about next weekend or week after or week after??" Okay, that scenario is a bit different to OP's, but how do you politely say "I don't want to socialise with you" without sounding rude!??

SinicalSal · 26/06/2011 16:36

You can't Numberfour. You can't reject someone without hurting their feelings.

So you make excuses and never reciprocate the invitations and they will dwindle away. Awkward. But they keep their dignity.

lesley33 · 26/06/2011 16:39

Numberfour - You keep making excuses until they get the hint. So yes would be good to go out - but at the moment I am really busy with x - maybe next month.

I have 1 friend who is very honest and a bit rude with it tbh. I really like her and like spending time with her. But I am very careful about what I invite her to with other people there. But if she asks me why I haven't invted her I just say you are a bit blunt at times and I think you might upset some of the people I have invited.

She is okay with that. Would you be okay with someone being blunt with you?

Tee2072 · 26/06/2011 16:44

I am a very blunt person but I try not to be rude or lie.

'Sorry, I don't like that sort of thing when it includes those people.' With the crossed out part thought and not spoken would have been the perfect response.

Numberfour · 26/06/2011 16:51

I have made invitations and then people have skirted around the issue so I just leave it and don't persist.

One woman asked me to her son's party and I said we would not want to go because we would not know anyone there and I was studying etc.- also said that I hoped she appreciated my honesty. She sent me a two page email listing who would be there, who I might know and and how okay it would if i did not know many people there. Also how much fun the party would be etc etc.

OP sorry about the hijack of your thread. Reading your situation made me think of this situation!

GetOrf · 26/06/2011 16:52

I would have lied ' no have already got plans' or something.

The idea of a mums luncheon would be my vision of hell, but there is no need to make people who enjoy that kind of thing feel somehow stupid, which is what ytour answer would have done.

No need to be socially ungracious.

DirtyMartini · 26/06/2011 17:04

numberfour: you said to her that you hoped she appreciated your honesty? lol

I'm not saying you were rude, it doesn't sound like you were; but that sounds quite funny.

I might start saying to people "I hope you appreciate my [insert excellent quality here]" Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 26/06/2011 17:10

MrsK my line manager is fantastically blunt - in a really good way - we're academics and she is quite capable of saying to someone, 'Look, I don't think your paper was very good' BUT she is also really positive and upbeat, so it works for her.

She would've said what you said, but in a light-hearted 'Sorry, really can't be arsed!! - but hope you enjoy yourself' kind of way. She gets away with it because she's genuinely a nice person and will take time to help people when they need it, will ask people out for coffee and generally be positive. But she also doesn't take any shit and doesn't go in for white lies.

I think what you said was absolutely fine IF you weren't saying it to the person who organised the 'luncheon' (Hmm) and IF you said it nicely.

RevoltingPeasant · 26/06/2011 17:10

And I hope you appreciate my wisdom Grin

Original poster
MrsKravitz · 26/06/2011 17:20

Am I your line manager?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKravitz · 26/06/2011 17:21

No I have taken all on board and am going to be so careful about waiting to respond instead of blurting out stupid blunt responses again.

I may even go to the luncheon.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 26/06/2011 17:51

You don't have to go that far!

Tee2072 · 26/06/2011 17:53

I must admit, further to my previous post, my mouth does, on occasion, engage before my brain.

Like this past weekend when the PILs were down and insisting we go out to lunch after a visit to the Farmer's Market. I knew my son was thisclose to total meltdown due to exhaustion and suggested they go on and he and I would go home. My husband said 'Sorry you can't come' to which I replied 'I'm not.' And turned and left. Blush

I did apologize to all after for my rudeness.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 26/06/2011 17:55
Grin

This is the response I SO want to say Grin

lesley33 · 26/06/2011 17:55

Numberfour - I can understand the woman's reaction about the party. She thought you would feel too awkward to come and was trying to show you how you would be made welcome.

Numberfour · 26/06/2011 18:38

Grin at dirtymartini!! ha ha ha ha ha!! How right you are!

Lesley33, you are right, of course. this person in question is really lovely but i don't feel that we "click". Argh! this is all making me sound horrible, which on a bad day, I would probably say I am!!

lesley33 · 26/06/2011 19:08

No not horrible. I had somebody say they didn't want to come to something I was organising because they would feel out of it. I said to them if they just didn't want to come thats fine but ..and said the things I could do so they would feel confident to come. She said sheepishly she just didn't want to come.

I was genuinely fine with that. I know quite a few women who are nice, but I really don't click with. This is natural.

redexpat · 26/06/2011 19:40

I think they'll talk about you, but secretly be jealous of you and wish that they had the guts to say the same!

fedupofnamechanging · 26/06/2011 19:54

OP, you weren't rude imo. Rude would have been telling them that you find them boring, but you were tactless. Still, it's easy for something to slip out unintended if your default position is basically honest. We've all done it, so don't feel too bad. It could have been worse.

I agree with Lola. Some people pride themselves on being 'plain speaking', when they are, in fact, just rude and insensitive. It's a good thing to take care of other people's feelings. Society would not run so smoothly if we said what we actually think without running it through a tact filter first.

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