Are we too strict? Is my mother right?

[MadYoungCatLady]

Hi I'm really doubting my parenting skills after my mum told me she thinks me and DP are too strict on my DS (almost 4).
He is a very lively child, very sure of himself to the point of disrespect towards us, and if we try to give him any undivided attention he gets totally hyper and starts practically bouncing off the walls. We have to put up with being screamed at whenever we try to calm him down, he will say things such as "i will just cry so loud you can't hear" if he is told not to interrupt or if, on the odd occasion, one of us tries to watch a tv programme, if we tell him off he laughs in our face, he kicks us and even spat on DP at bedtime the other day.
We want him to grow up respectful, polite and aware of others feelings, and due to this we try to make sure he sticks to some basic ground rules. These include:
Dressing himself in the morning, or at least giving it a go
Sitting at the table and eating his meals 'tidy' - not playing with his food, using cutlery etc
Saying please and thank you before he is given something
Washing his hands after the toilet
Not touching things he has been told not to
Sharing with other childen (he is very good at this tho bless him!)
Holding hands and NOT letting go when by a road or in a crowded shop
Not running off when we are out - even if its only a little bit unless we say its a safe place to run

We expect these rules to still apply when we are out in public, but my mum told me yesterday when we were out with her that we don't give DS enough freedom, we will knock all the stuffing out of him and we are bordering on ABUSE. I am feeling all kind of emotions - I have been struggling with DS as has DP for about 3 months since moving, and DS's behaviour has become harder to cope with (understandably due to change in circumstances but still driving us up the blinking wall no less), and for my mum to say this is a major blow.

Is she right? Are we too strict?

Your rules sound very reasonable but could the comment on you being too strict be referring to how to deal with enforcing the rules and how you deal with him when he misbehaves rather than a comment on your actual rules being too strict? Just a question not a criticism?

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Hi Catlady, rules seem very reasonable, but would seem that your little boy is finding them difficult and i was trying to read between the lines......Has dc allways been a handful or is this a new thing? Is he dp child? the bit u wrote about dp moving in made me ask this? if not was wondering if dp and dc are finding it hard to adjust.
My children have to have most of these rules and at times they are very trying but sometimes they don't always follow them and have to be reminded.
Just trying to get more info so we might be able to help.

Well, some of your rules sound fine, others are a little over the top IMO. But the rules don't really tell me anything about how you do things, and TBH if your 4 year old is kicking you, spitting at you and speaks to yu in such a rude way then the 'Rules' are not doing their job, IYSWIM.

So, for example, sitting at the table during mealtimes is a fair rule (the Tidy bit is not very useful, what if he spills his drink? That's not naughty but it has broken your rule), but if you enforce it by saying 'Max sit still, pick up your fork, be careful you're going to spill that, sit down, eat your food, you've dropped your peas now' etc, etc, then that's not only too strict but pretty annoying too. However, if you say 'well done Max, you're sitting really nicely...what was your best bit of school today?' etc, etc then that's a pleasant meal time.

Sorry, I'm waffling on, but what I'm trying to say is, it's hard to comment either way about how 'strict' you are without knowing what was happening to make your Mum say that.

Rules sound fine, DC sounds like he has problems.

OP, you say you moved 3 months ago and used the phrase 'change of circumstances'. What did you mean by that phrase? And how has the move/change affected you and DP?

all sounds reasonable to me, we do exactly the same with our our DD age 4.10, nagging on the other hand( which I did for while and it was vile) it was constant wherever we went I had this absurd idea that other children were so much better behaved then our DD, until one day i saw myself in the way I was handling her, with stormy face, it wasn't pretty. I stopped that awful practice, she knows what is expected of her(everything you mentioned above), when she is difficult or disrespectful on the occasion, I correct the behaviour verbally gently, but with much lower voice, if repeated she is sent to her room for four min. I don't nag anymore nor dwell on negative, but rather praise positive a lot. As for your mum, those were harsh words she used, sit your mum down and explain you discipline techniques so she understands fully your aims, goals for your DD in detail and ask her to support you, if she feels that she can, if talked out properly I am sure you will iron this problem out.Some grandmas sometimes find it difficult to see child being disciplined in any way and they can also feel very protective of their grandchildren hence the expression (run to grandma for cover) which to degree is very sweet, but not to a degree where it starts to interfere with you being able to discipline you DD.

You say:

"He is a very lively child, very sure of himself to the point of disrespect towards us, and if we try to give him any undivided attention he gets totally hyper and starts practically bouncing off the walls."

What caught my eye was the phrase "if we try to give him any undivided attention" I would have thought that he would have had lots of attention as he is an only child. The fact that he goes hyper would perhaps show that he has not had a lot of individual time.

I was also surprised at your use of the word 'disrespect' he is a small boy, as such he would be unlikely to know what the word means. Could it be that he is only rewarded with your attention when he behaves badly.

"we try to make sure he sticks to some basic ground rules. These include:"

That is quite a list, he is pretty much 'on a rule' from dawn to dusk. Certainly the holding hands when out, saying please and thank you, and hand washing should be daily implemented, but ease up on the rest or the poor soul will be nagged non stop. Give him a break and spend a bit more time giving him your full attention. I doubt if your Mum said what she did lightly, take a step back and look at how you treat your little lad, you might find your Mum is right.

YANBU they are my rules too and I also have a 'lively' DS.

Problem with him being lively and impulsive is that when we're out and he's hand holding he'll suddenly bolt or complain endlessly. Thats when the threatening consequences starts.

My mum has always said I'm too strict and I'm more lenient than she ever was.

I just repeat to DS that if he did these things when I asked then we could get the boring bit over and get to b and have freedom.

I also allow the silliness, relaxation in the rules at times it really doesn't matter. Lke pizza and chips night is ok to eat at coffee table watching cbeebies and using fingers.

He's 6yo and I'm still having to this this.

to do this.

Umm. I haven't read the whole thread, but to expect a three year old to use a knife and fork and to dress himself is ridiculous.

He's too young for rules, my friend. Just teach him to say please and thank you, give him as much of your time as you feel able, sit back, and watch the flower grow.

I'm afraid I'm with your mother on this one. You're expecting a child to perform skills they are not developmentally able to achieve.

So yes, you're being way too strict.

Just realised I made my DS out to be 'naughty'. He's not. Just can relate to the impulsive and lively bit.

He hasn't ever kicked or spat but if he did I'd give him a severer consequence than say for breaking a 'rule' - which to me seem more like the basic expectations iyswim?

I have all of your rules.

I don't think that they are too strict. You need to impress politeness on them from an early age.

MIL and FIL both say that we are too strict. But on the flipside comment on how polite DS is.

Don't pay any attention.

I don't think it's a case of being beholden to rules morning to night. Some things are just passive rules that are there all the time - the please/thank you and holding hands when crossing a road. These are background things that are parenting rather than strict rules.

I agree, but expecting a three year old to dress himself and to use cutlery is a couple of steps too far.

Also, expecting a child to immediately stop touching something he's not supposed to touch is a little chilling, imo. Kids will want to touch things .. it's how they learn.

Sorry, but I still think your mum's probably got the best handle on this. Whilst all parenting of toddlers and infants requires a consistent approach, you simply cannot expect children to achieve your goals before they are ready to do so.

.. and you will note that I said 'your goals.'

mad cat Can I ask you something?

You say your DS is almost 4?

Does that mean he's starting school September?

If so I think I know where this is coming from?

Thay are still little but as parents we have in the back of our mind that they're starting school so sometimes become more intent on setting these expectations in stone almost a year before they're peers did?

I look at my DS now and think he's gonna struggle with juniors - but he'll just have to learn,

Desiderata my DS can use cutlery, and has done since he was 2. I don't expect him to cut difficult things, but neither do I allow him to make a plane out of them and wave his knife and fork round the table.

This isn't a competition, Adagoo.

My son is nearly seven, and hardly ever uses cutlery. One thing I'm fairly certain of, however, is that he'll have mastered the technique before he collects his OBE.

The terrible 2s that people go on about are just preparing parents for the horrors of 4 year old tantrums. It does get better!

I've not met a 4 year old boy who is incapable of dressing, but plenty (including mine) who just refuse. I am only strict about things relating to health and safety, although I don't insist on holding hands by roads because my 4 year old is now nearly 5 and is now very sensible.

Your rules, apart from th dressing, see fine to me. Best not to get too stressed about it though.

"My son is nearly seven, and hardly ever uses cutlery. One thing I'm fairly certain of, however, is that he'll have mastered the technique before he collects his OBE."

My DS is nearly 7. I'm aiming too low by wanting him to learn before leaving home then.

I think my concern is that with boundaries like that and you still having issues with his behaviour you may need to explore why. Is he in nursery? Have they commented at all?

There are whole nations on this globe, who don't use cutlery not when they are 4 or 44, does that mean that they are being silly???????

Can someone clarify this for me? I mean that I expect my son to use a fork. I expect him to use a knife to push the food on to the fork and cut, for example, carrots.

Those whose children 'hardly ever' use cutlery, do you mean that they use a spoon, or they have finger food, or you feed them or what? I mean, what do you do with a roast dinner?

Erm, well DS (6) has a knife, fork and spoon to chose from. Generally carrots are put on fork and eaten mouthful by mouthful, mash uses fork and fingers to push onto it and needs reminding he has a knife. Meat I cut up for him.

Its not that we don't want our children to learn these skills just you learn that they're not the be all and end all and a happy laughy meal is better than a stress one with impeccable table manners iyswim?