to want to stamp my feet and not contribute to a wedding present?

[JustKeepSwimming]

DS1 started school last Sept.

November time one of the other mums had a baby - a collection was got together by mums A & B (A arranged the gift apparently, B collected/chased the money) - mum got a lovely basket of stuff for baby.

April I have a baby (and she's lovely :)) - one of the mums gives me a lovely dress+cardigan outfit.
The others? nothing.
No collection, no lovely basket, and not a word said :(

Now I am a grown-up and have spent the last 9 weeks not dwelling/brooding on this and have been doing well I think - though I have felt very cool towards mums A & B it must be said.

Anyway, roll on to yesterday - another mum mentions collection for teacher/TAs for the end of the year, oh yes I'm keen, saves me having to think of something (though I will prob give them a bottle each having been a teacher myself, you can never get too many presents!), how much I ask?
£15 but we're also doing a collection for A's wedding (next month, have heard lots about it), so say £20.

Now I couldn't care less about the fiver really, and I duly handed over my money today (through gritted teeth) but the idea of contributing to her wedding present really does gall. I have been grumpy/down about it since yesterday.

It doesn't help that she's PTA-queen and everyone seems to love her, including the only before-this-school- mum-friend who is on the PTA too and friends with her (going to the wedding), so i can't have a decent bitch to get this off my chest in RL.

I know I need to breathe deeply & get over it, & i don't even want a pile of stuff for DD, we have everything we need (she is DC3), it's just the principle of it all.

AIBU to want to react like my 3 year old would, stamp & scream & shout & cry?
(I won't of course, but I'd love to let them know how I feel!)

JKS, I have ventured here to show April solidarity and YADNBU. If it makes you feel better I didn't gets gift from work after years of contributing to others collections. Think they were punishing me for leaving early with SPD. Bastards

YANBU - £20 is a lot of money to me.

£5 for the teacher gift, and nothing for the wedding is what they'd have got from me.

YANBU JKS. I would be upset too, and upset if DH wasn't fully entering into my pissed-off-ness!

Putting the best possible spin on it they are just insensitive and it hasn't occurred to them that they left you out.
The worst case is that A & B are full on Alpha-Mummies in the sense that they know they are 'in charge' and the popular ones and they use and abuse it to their own advantage.

Can you send DH with DS1 tomorrow instead of you going?

((hugs))

In regard to the wedding/baby contributions I would have said something along the lines of "I'm not really into group collections because it sets a precedent and I'm sure we haven't done it for everyone have we?"
I then would have handed over £15 for the teacher but that's just me.

YANBU - as the others have said, A&B are at best thoughtless and at worst mean. Sounds like this other woman (who bought you the present) is at least a good friend though - perhaps try to focus on that and just leave A&B to their own alpha-mum devices?

Dh has a work thing but may rearrange to go instead of me.

I think i will let them get on with their lives and focus on drop & run or collect & run for a while.
Luckily in Sept the classes change a bit and the 2 mums A&B are in the other class so i will have pretty much nothing to do with them.

It's their loss, JustSwimming.

I would say that the mum of the first baby was a close friend - ie they have known her for quite a while because of the pre school. So they got excited about a new babay and organised a collection and nice gift. I would not think their intent is malicious but none the less it is a terrible idea to do big group collections for presents unless someone ensures it is done for everyone. Otherwise you have the result of peolpe contributing all the time for people they barely know and not getting anything in their own turn.

I really would not take it personally. I am sure it is just beacuse no one took ownership of organising your present that it got missed. I am sure they would have all contributed if they had been asked. But just because A and B did the collection for a good friend doesn't mean they were going to do it for everyone.

JKS... yanbu

I managed to fall out with the ex-chair of the PTA who is amazing according to everyone else on the planet.

Also, £15 sounds like loads IMO.

We have had 2 fortieths in the last month or so. There are 5 of us and we basically contributed £8 each. I think that is reasonable.

Far too much money...YADNBU....and that's without the whole ridiculous baby present issue :) But well done on being able to put it in a box (or on AIBU) and deal with it that way...not sure I would control myself that well !

See I was hoping it was more disorganisation & thoughtlessness and was trying to get over it/myself thinking this.

But...the friend i knew before DS starting there is actually the Head's wife (hope i won't be accused of AIBU by stealth or whatever the phrase is now).

She came round yesterday and told me she did mention the issue to PTA-queen (mum A) so at least they'll know now that i'm peed off. This is good.

What is not so good is apparently A 'suggested' doing a collection for us to the others but...i never heard what the but was :(

I have a fair idea though:

• i'm friends with the head & his wife
• i'm not a gossip so not 'useful' with above.

2 of the mums in the class are the main school gossips it seems and looking back there was probably some testing of the waters/fishing with me early on - when i didn't give away anything (not that i have any secrets to tell them) they wrote me off.

Turns out that mum B (who has an older baby) also received a collection-present, so there really is form for this kind of thing. Makes it even more blatant that they don't like me :(

I am really trying to get it into my head that i'm not there to make friends, they just happen to be in the same space as me a few times a week.

Does explain why mum A actually spoke to me the other day - feeling guilty!

So, trying to be detached & brave but not doing terribly well :(

Ah do you know what bollocks to the lot of them lovely.

This stuff really massively gets up my nose, people 'organising' other people to score points. We have a fair amount at our school and within 3 weeks of littlemad starting there I had pissed off the Queen Bee by holding a birthday party for littlemad on the day her child had a birthday party (arf that all the kids chose to come to littlemads )

Anyway, seriously, do your own stuff, it was shock for me to discover I don't actually have to be best friends with all of them....but I'm much happier since I realised it.

Chin up, you have the combined weight of the MN massive behind you on the school run, and I bet our conversations are a lot more interesting.

Also - just because I've not mentioned it for a whole post, I'm getting married in 4 weeks and I'll be bloody horrified if they've done a collection at school of all places. Bad enough that people at work are feeling the need to buy cards.....

JKS :(

Try not to take it personally though. Clearly it all about you being friends with the Head, and nothing about you as yourself. You cannot participate in their gossip, and they would actually have to hold their tongues around you if they were slagging off the school etc.
They HAVE to be polite to your friend because she is the Head's wife, but that doesn't extend as far as you - until the Head's wife mentions it.

Bloody daft playground bollocks

(((hugs)))

I know i know - it's hard realising that people are actually being mean - you try to think the best of people.

While DS was in his cast for his broken leg & we were allowed to park closer to sch I would get there early to get my space - then realised that the main gossips (aka Witches of Eastwick) always get there early to have a bitch session - i would stroll up and stop that. Sometimes you're paranoid but sometimes...
Anyway i took a weird kick out of messing up their 'cauldron time', lol.

@ Witches of Eastwick

Easier said than done but don't let them get to you. They're not worth it :)

Is this what it's like when your kid goes to school (mine is only a baby)?

At the moment I feel I'd have absolutely no need or desire to become friends with any other parents at my child's school just because they're there (if it happens because we have shared interests/enjoy each others company then great) and if I was asked to contribute to a present just because our children shared a school I'd tell them to take a hike (in the politest tones obviously).

Am I just a grumpy sod?