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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stamp my feet and not contribute to a wedding present?

68 replies

JustKeepSwimming · 23/06/2011 20:37

DS1 started school last Sept.

November time one of the other mums had a baby - a collection was got together by mums A & B (A arranged the gift apparently, B collected/chased the money) - mum got a lovely basket of stuff for baby.

April I have a baby (and she's lovely :)) - one of the mums gives me a lovely dress+cardigan outfit.
The others? nothing.
No collection, no lovely basket, and not a word said :(

Now I am a grown-up and have spent the last 9 weeks not dwelling/brooding on this and have been doing well I think - though I have felt very cool towards mums A & B it must be said.

Anyway, roll on to yesterday - another mum mentions collection for teacher/TAs for the end of the year, oh yes I'm keen, saves me having to think of something (though I will prob give them a bottle each having been a teacher myself, you can never get too many presents!), how much I ask?
£15 but we're also doing a collection for A's wedding (next month, have heard lots about it), so say £20.

Now I couldn't care less about the fiver really, and I duly handed over my money today (through gritted teeth) but the idea of contributing to her wedding present really does gall. I have been grumpy/down about it since yesterday.

It doesn't help that she's PTA-queen and everyone seems to love her, including the only before-this-school- mum-friend who is on the PTA too and friends with her (going to the wedding), so i can't have a decent bitch to get this off my chest in RL.

I know I need to breathe deeply & get over it, & i don't even want a pile of stuff for DD, we have everything we need (she is DC3), it's just the principle of it all.

AIBU to want to react like my 3 year old would, stamp & scream & shout & cry?
(I won't of course, but I'd love to let them know how I feel!)

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 23/06/2011 21:11

emsyj good for you - that took some balls!

Original poster
JustKeepSwimming · 23/06/2011 21:13

Expat obv!

Also what's getting me is that B (who collected the money last time) is one of the mums I thought i was getting along with. DS has been to her house to play, we've each taken each others sons to a party when the other couldn't make it. I was thinking we owe an invite to her DS to come and play here (and prob will still do that as the boys get along) over the summer at some point.

Could she not have thought to suggest something to the others? Then i think maybe i've misread things and she isn't a friend-to-be.

OP posts:
JudysJudgement · 23/06/2011 21:15

i wouldnt have given any money

said no i am doing my own thing thanks

if you act like a muppet, people will take advantage :)

cat64 · 23/06/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 23/06/2011 21:21

You don't have to be rude, JustKeep. You just have to be direct and firm and once should do it. 'No, thank you. I'm organising my own gifts,' and then change the subject. If she starts rabbitting on, just keep repeating, 'No, thanks. I'm organising my own gifts,' until she gets the message.

emsyj · 23/06/2011 21:22

Ah, I feel all proud of myself now!!! Grin

Original poster
JustKeepSwimming · 23/06/2011 21:25

'muppet'? thanks...

Thing is it's too late now, i've paid up already. And really I am happy to join in on the teachers collection. They are getting flowers & JL vouchers - i would've loved that as a teacher - so i did check what the money was going on before i agreed.
It just felt churlish to say no to only a fiver for someone's wedding. But i wish i'd said something.
Now i can only brood and perhaps decline any future (non-teacher) collections.

OP posts:
unfitmother · 23/06/2011 21:39

YANBU, I'd be pissed off too.

thisisyesterday · 23/06/2011 21:43

are there any other mums you get on well with?
maybe you could mention it to one of them? i know that won't change anything, but you might feel like at least someone knows why you're feeling upset, and you might find that other people are feeling the same too!

Original poster
JustKeepSwimming · 23/06/2011 21:48

Well the only one i feel i could say anything to is the one who did give me a present for DD & i'm starting to get the feeling that she feels a bit of an outsider too (her DS had his birthday recently & they didn't have a school-included party, wondering if she's already on the 'head-down-stay-out-of-it-all' path).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/06/2011 21:49

Look, these people aren't your friends. Because they're arses. Find/form your own with others. This cows sound shallow.

porcamiseria · 23/06/2011 21:52

agree with expat, keep head down. they sound a bit mean and you should rise above it, try and make some new friends and keep smilling

Marshy · 23/06/2011 22:02

JKS - I really feel for and YANBU to feel upset by this. I recognise the kind of thing you are describing having experienced similar myself when DC were in primary.
The thing is, for it to continue there have to be people who are 'in' and those who are 'out' and personally I think it's a pretty miserable experience being in either group.
The only way to feel better is not to play the game. It's bullying really, and they should know better. Be your own person and find some proper grown up women to spend time with, people who make you feel happy, not miserable.

TheCrackFox · 23/06/2011 22:05

YANBU

A bottle of wine per teacher is my limit. £15 ? Get stuffed.

and I only give gifts for weddings I actually go to. Flaming cheek.

Stuff the lot of them.

pigletmania · 23/06/2011 23:04

I personally would not have contributed to any of it, £20 is a hell of a lot of money, and for something your not keen on. Would have just declined and given the teachers a nice bunch of flowers and make a nice cake.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/06/2011 23:08

Omg! Total madness! School mum collections for other school mums???

Totally bonkers....

Original poster
JustKeepSwimming · 24/06/2011 12:36

Thanks everyone - i went to bed last night so couldn't reply. And brooded some more Blush

I think I will stay clear of joint stuff for a while at school and just say i'm doing my own thing.

Thing is, I'm quite happy to give each staff member a bottle of wine & a card. If you times that by 4, that's near enough £15, even if i buy 3 for £10 bottles from Asda. So I don't quibble with that & as i said before I was a teacher myself and would really have appreciated flowers & vouchers or wine.
(often got random items though, my all time 'fave' being a free bamboo calendar from a Chinese restaurant Hmm - another thread perhaps, lol!).

I have been thinking i'm quite tempted to ask for my £20 back and just say i'm doing my own thing for both the teachers & the wedding (ie nothing for A!) but i guess that might be a tad too churlish.

I think i will mention it to my friend (who is friends with A too) - she's not a mum from DS's class but I knew her before our DC started there.

As someone said, at best they have been thoughtless, I would like them to realise that and feel a little bit sorry.

OP posts:
JoleneJoleneJoleneJoleeene · 24/06/2011 12:41

What's the betting some of the teachers £15 got siphoned off for the wedding fund?

LolaRennt · 24/06/2011 12:53

I am genuinely suprised they collected money for one of the school mum's wedding. How pathetic. I think even collecting for the first baby was OTT and likely to cause hurt feeling (as it did) fine to collect for teachers though. Don't these women have anything else to do besides organise collections? If they need a project they can collect for charit or something.. NOt for gifts for their friends from people who aren't friends.

Anyway these people are not your friends they are just other women with kids, ou need more in common that that

expatinscotland · 24/06/2011 12:53

Seriously, we've only got one supermarket in the entire area, and it's a small one. So I'm just getting the teacher and each assistant (there are two) £10 ea. vouchers because a) they've had DD1 for 2 years, it's a composite class b) she has learning disabilities and they've been amazing c) now they have DD2.

Don't do whiprounds again.

Just kiss it goodbye for now, it's a good lesson learned and that's that you deserve some real friends.

TheRhubarb · 24/06/2011 12:59

This is how it looks to me.

A and B are obviously good mates and the mum who had the baby is also a close friend so it makes sense that A & B would want to collect money for a nice present for her.

However that does not mean that they shouldn't have at least given you a card for your baby. That they didn't even think of you is unforgiveable, esp as you had contributed to the gift for the other mum so they obviously know you well enough to ask for money!

I would tell a different mum exactly how you feel and how hurt you are - perhaps tell the mum who gave you the lovely cardi? This will get back to them so although you are not venting your feelings directly, they will be made aware of how hurt you are.

If they say anything I would reply that it's fine now but you'd rather not be included in such things in the future as it only leads to feelings of hurt and a sense of being left out. They might not say anything but at least you'll know that it has been mentioned to them. You can then refuse any more requests for money and make it clear that you intend to do your own thing from now on.

A bottle of wine for the Teacher and choccies each for the TAs will cost less then £15 so you'd save anyway. You can't ask for the money back now but you can indirectly make your feelings known and that is exactly what I would do. Make sure that your name is included in the card too so they know you have contributed.

QuintessentialShadow · 24/06/2011 13:11

I think they are pretty cheeky to make whiprounds for other mums. It is not like it is the norm! I would think it is pretty unusual! It creates expecttions that everybody will get a whipround, but that seems to not be the case.

razzlebathbone · 24/06/2011 13:38

YANBU. Don't be upset, they're not worth it.

lisianthus · 24/06/2011 13:59

expat is spot on here. YANBU.

It's awful, but chalk it up to experience, know you are a nice person to have done it and move on.

Jolene I'm glad someone else suspected that some of the £15 may have been siphoned off towards to wedding present. That was my first thought too.

If you want to have a small dig, get a separate present for the teachers. That way you can be sure they get something with your name on it (am always a bit Hmm where there is a collection where you don't get a chance to sign a card).

Original poster
JustKeepSwimming · 25/06/2011 11:09

Thanks everyone - i do appreciate your advice.

Just can't seem to shake it off, esp as DH is being spectacularly crap about it all, so don't feel very supported at home :(

Not sure that the party tomorrow is the best plan ever (did i mention it's at B's house for her DS, my DS gets on with him so we will go, but i will need some stiff-upper-lip-ness to get through it).

OP posts:
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