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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want another baby but he doesn't.

49 replies

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 09:44

We are married, own large home, 2 wonderful kids already and are both in our early 30's.

I am brooooooody. Every month since our youngest was born I've hoped I've been pregnant but I had a coil which fell out just before Christmas so obviously that wasn't going to happen and genuinely I was fine with that. broody but fine.

I was unable to get the coil put back in for a couple of month because my surgery will only do it on the first few days of your period on a tuesday and it always fell on the weekend. Our local family planning is always booked solid. I can't take hormonal contraception for various reasons. There are condoms here but they never get used.

Then I put it off and off and stopped thinking about it. DH did mention it a few times and I told him I wanted another baby etc and he pulled faces. I told him a couple of months ago to have a vasectomy if he didn't want a baby but he hasn't been to the dr about it.

We are still having plenty of sex. I do tell dh when it's at my fertile time but we usually do it anyway. He says he doesn't want another baby but continues to sleep with me and I'm getting such mixed messages.

It's really annoying. I don't know if he can't just make the decision to actively try for another dc as we had a hard time trying for dc2 and I got a bit obsessed and no doubt bloody annoying.

Is it right in this situation to hope I get pregnant?

Ive got lied.. Dh knows everything, we've been together 10 years so he knows my cycles etc. I'm not deceiving him.

Do your worst!

OP posts:

throckenholt · 22/06/2011 09:48

sounds like he is ambivalent - not keen, but not against it enough to do anything about it.

I would remind him there is nothing to stop it at present - if he is really against it he needs to be more proactive.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2011 09:51

If he really, actively didn't want another baby, OP, he'd make sure that you didn't get pregnant. Perhaps he doesn't feel that strongly about it either way, just doesn't want the stress like last time, and if it happens, he'll be happy.

You've been honest and open - it takes two to tango so if it really isn't what he wants, he needs to put galoshes over those dancing shoes...

Good luck! :)

SenoritaViva · 22/06/2011 09:52

I don't think you sound like you've actually sat down and talked about it together. Pulling faces and mentioning I'd like another isn't the serious chat.

How about going out to dinner to talk about things. I agree that he sounds ambivalent but what are his objections? There are plenty of reasons he might want to stop at 2 and he is in his right to say no. He might feel that in a year would be better (to try etc.)

I don't think you can carry on like this - not communicating properly etc. Believe me you don't want an very unhappy DH because this isn't what he really wanted, it's too big for this to happen and needs to be a joint choice.

MovingAndScared · 22/06/2011 09:53

YBU - a bit - I wouldn't want to have another baby if my other half wasn't up for it - it has a big impact

I would try and have a decent conversation about it - maybe get a babysitter and go out or for a walk or sometimes - but say what you said above - look we are not using contraception but you don't seem that keen on a 3rd baby I am confused
and if you can think you can try to reasure him you won't get obsessed with trying - if you think that is what is putting him off

Amateurish · 22/06/2011 09:55

Dont make assumptions. Be clear whether you are trying for a baby or not. Don't just fall into it. Take joint responsibility for contraception or otherwise.

If he doesn't want another baby you need to make clear to him the risk you are both taking.

moajab · 22/06/2011 09:56

Sounds like my DH! He didn't want a third child, but occasionally didn't mind ditching the protection at 'safer' times of the month. 9 months after one of those 'safer' times DS3 was born! DH adores him!

MixedClassBaby · 22/06/2011 09:59

YANBU to hope to be pregnant if that's what you want. You are also being honest with your DH and he would surely be more careful if he was dead set against another child.

My DP is quite similar, says he wants no more children but we are still careless sometimes so he knows it could happen. I was a little late last month and told him I was going to POAS. He wasn't at all freaked out and said, Oh well, if you are, we'll deal with it. I wasn't, btw.

It might be that if your DH says he wants it then he'll feel obliged to actively make it happen and perhaps he'd rather leave it to chance. I know that my DP used to wince when I started talking about cycles/ovulation etc to the point where I started to wonder if he thought babies were brought to the doorstep by a stork.

MrsReasonable · 22/06/2011 10:00

He isn't sending mixed messages. There is no message that you should take to mean that he wants another baby other than him saying "I want to try for another baby".

hellymelly · 22/06/2011 10:04

Well if he was that set against it he would be popping on a condom,surely,unless he is a complete half wit. Sounds to me as though he just doesn't want to make the decision properly and is leaving it up to chance.At this rate you will get pregnant anyway I would imagine? I would leave things as they are,and have lots of sex .

knittedbreast · 22/06/2011 10:06

i dont really know any one who activly tries for a baby, so im not sure what to suggest. it sounds like he wouldnt mind another but if you are one of these couples that plans and talks about things maybe you should make sure he really wants one first.

not much help sorry

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 10:08

I am not very good at pregnancy and our dc invariably arrive before they are supposed to so it's a difficult time for all of us. I know why he doesn't think it'd be a good idea to have any more and I agree really but that doesn't stop me wanting :( our last pg went horribly wrong due to medical negligence but I've done the research, I've got the hospital and consultant lined up ( he knows this) so I think I'd be better looked after if it were to happen again.. That said though, of course it would be massively fucking stressful.

We are good parents, we both love kids and I am great with babies. We have the space , the money and the time.

the last conversation went something like.. "I want another baby ( outlined all the reasons above)"

"I don't want another baby"

"Oh but imagine it, coooooo swoon gush gush gush"

"Hmmm"

"Oh well if you don't want another baby you ought to have a vasectomy"

"Hmm"

Then we went to bed and if I remember rightly I got prodded in the back...

I frequently say oh I love the name .... Or if we have another baby we could call it such and such and he says well that's not going to happen and gives me a look... I have said well HAVE A VASECTOMY THEN!

He's a clever man, he knows the score.. I know Iab a bit U but Oh I do so want another baby. Is it wrong ?

Is he wrong for leading me up the garden path ?

Or am I wrong for hoping ?

OP posts:

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 10:08

MrsReasonable Really? Even though he is choosing to have unprotected sex on a regular basis?!

If he REALLY doesn't want another one then he shouldn't be doing that, obviously. I would have a chat with him and find out what it is you both want. It sounds like someone else said that he maybe does want another one but doesn't want all the stress that you had last time, so maybe he is of the "if it happens it happens" thinking.

You should make it clear though that if you do become pregnant by this unprotected sex you don't want him saying that's it's not what he wants or that you've tricked him into it or some shit like that. He is making the choice not to use a condom and so the consequences are just as much his.

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 10:11

X posts.

He is giving you very mixed messages there! I don't know what to suggest!

rainbowtoenails · 22/06/2011 10:14

What is his opinion of abortion? Is he expecting you to have one if/when you get pg?
Maybe you should be clear to him that you wont do this.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 10:17

He knows I would never have an abortion.

If I do get pregnant and he accuses me of tricking him in to it I'll perform the fucking vasectomy myself, with my foot!

OP posts:

holyShmoley · 22/06/2011 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 22/06/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vmcd28 · 22/06/2011 10:29

he sounds like he doesnt want another by way of what he SAYS, but his actions show otherwise.

OP, I suspect you dont WANT to pin him down for a definite answer, in case he says "no way, I'm off for a vasectomy tomorrow" then thats your chance gone completely.

My dh keeps saying he'll go for a vasectomy, but never does anyrhing about it. I'm sick of nagging him, and actually we dont really want another baby (well, I sort of do, actually!) but if I fell pregnant by accident, hell mend him.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 10:37

Vmc, you are right. I don't want to pin him down and lay my cards on the table incase he does then say that's that and potters off for the snip.. I'd be gutted.

LITR, he's not the most talkative chap at the bets of times

OP posts:

chloesmumtoo · 22/06/2011 10:43

I think like everyone else has said you need a good chat. I used to really want a third and we used to have a little bicker about it at times. I never had to go through it any further in the end as dd developed multiple allergies and life got to difficult so I never progressed into wanting another after that. I feel for you as I don't like the idea of a women desperate for a baby and their partner not taking it seriously. It is a very strong emotion and I really think you should pin him down and be taken seriously. Not having protected sex is going to make you long every month to be pregnant and like you say you don't want to get blamed in tricking him which would be just typical when it is him knowingly having unprotected sex. You really need to tell him how much it means and cross your fingers he understands and gets used to the idea. He can't seriously be that dead against it can he, getting up to what he is? Work on him and spoil him and worship the ground he walks on and see what you can do............[big grin]

chloesmumtoo · 22/06/2011 10:44

Amateurish · 22/06/2011 11:50

I don't think it is reasonable to say, if you don't want to father a child then you get a vasectomy. Surely, this should be a joint decision with joint actions regarding contraception.

In any case, getting the snip takes ages. I know, I asked my GP for one six months ago and I'm still waiting for a date.

MsTeak · 22/06/2011 11:59

perhaps he wants to abdicate responisiblity for any problems that occur. So if you have medical issues etc, he can say " well I never wanted another baby anyway".

He clearly doesn't feel the need to use any contraception, and fully knows that you are not, so its not like he's being tricked into anything.

BrandyAlexander · 22/06/2011 12:13

Similar to you OP, we could afford to have a third child but dh doesn't want to because I don't do pregnancy very well. My argument is that the pregnancy is only for 9 months and then you have the rest of your life. But he's not having it. I only had DC2 a few weeks ago so my timing might be bad!! However, if he continues to be ambivalent then I will respect his wishes, not least because if the next pregnancy went the same way as the first two, it (plus the sleepless nights) would be even more hell on earth without his support.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 12:16

There is probably some truth in that MsTeak.

Amateurish if he told me he had been to the drs and was on the waiting list for the snip I'd take him saying he doesn't want another baby a bit more seriously but to my knowledge he hasn't been and he hasn't mentioned me getting the coil put back in either.. I have said to him before that I don't feel permanent contraception should be my responsibility..i've been through enough already.

ChloesMumToo, good plan

Part of me won't admit to wanting another baby out of pure bloody minded stubbornness

OP posts:

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