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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want another baby but he doesn't.

49 replies

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 09:44

We are married, own large home, 2 wonderful kids already and are both in our early 30's.

I am brooooooody. Every month since our youngest was born I've hoped I've been pregnant but I had a coil which fell out just before Christmas so obviously that wasn't going to happen and genuinely I was fine with that. broody but fine.

I was unable to get the coil put back in for a couple of month because my surgery will only do it on the first few days of your period on a tuesday and it always fell on the weekend. Our local family planning is always booked solid. I can't take hormonal contraception for various reasons. There are condoms here but they never get used.

Then I put it off and off and stopped thinking about it. DH did mention it a few times and I told him I wanted another baby etc and he pulled faces. I told him a couple of months ago to have a vasectomy if he didn't want a baby but he hasn't been to the dr about it.

We are still having plenty of sex. I do tell dh when it's at my fertile time but we usually do it anyway. He says he doesn't want another baby but continues to sleep with me and I'm getting such mixed messages.

It's really annoying. I don't know if he can't just make the decision to actively try for another dc as we had a hard time trying for dc2 and I got a bit obsessed and no doubt bloody annoying.

Is it right in this situation to hope I get pregnant?

Ive got lied.. Dh knows everything, we've been together 10 years so he knows my cycles etc. I'm not deceiving him.

Do your worst!

OP posts:

MissHonkover · 22/06/2011 12:19

I'm not sure about the mixed messages thing, if he's used the phrase, "I don't want another baby".

MsTeak · 22/06/2011 12:25

Mixed messages aren't just verbal. "I don't want another baby" does seem quite clear, but then "I will have regular sex with you knowing you are not using contraception, and while choosing not to use the condoms that are available" also seems quite clear.

If you can't see the mixed message there, I think you need your eyes testing!

MrsReasonable · 22/06/2011 12:39

I don't think there's mixed messages. The clear, official message is that he doesn't want another baby. Not using contraception isn't a mixed message, or a physical expression of a subconscious desire for another baby, it's just laziness and/or preference.

MissHonkover · 22/06/2011 12:39

Yes, I agree he's not taking his role in contraception seriously enough, but I do think he is likely to feel he has made his view clear. IME sometimes some men feel if they've said something then what they actually do is less important.

Not saying that about your DH, OP, obviously I don't know him, but I don't think you should underestimate the fact that he has verbalised that he doesn't want a baby.

My DP has suddenly become super-conscientious about contraception, such is his desire not to have another DC. Spoilsport.

MissHonkover · 22/06/2011 12:40

Yes, MrsReasonable, that's what I was trying to say. But didn't manage it.

MsTeak · 22/06/2011 12:45

ERm, no, "men" same as women, know that if you don't want a baby, you use contraception. Unless your men are dimwits. Its not laziness, its at best not caring either way.
Any person who actually doesn't want a baby does something to make sure they don't have one. People who have regualr sex without contraception, especially married, stable, prime child-bearing age people, either want a baby, or don't care either way. Or third option, are very very stupid, which OP says he is not.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 12:47

I actually agree with you both which is why its so hard.

I can take him at his word, do all the contraceptive chores myself, make myself miserable when that's not really what I want to do.

Or I can carry on as things are get pregnant eventually as it's bound to happen and then say we'll you shouldn't have been sleeping with me but feeling a bit inside as if I have tricked him into it.

I don't see why I shouldn'd have to forfeit what I want if he can't even be arsed to go and speak to a dr about getting the snip.

I do feel bad about the entire situation.

Why are hormones so beastly :(

OP posts:

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 12:48

He's not stupid at all, our dc1 was an accident and we'd only been together 5 minutes so it's not like he doesn't know what could happen.

That's why it's so confusing.

OP posts:

MissHonkover · 22/06/2011 12:50

Steady on MissTeak, I did say some men.

MsTeak · 22/06/2011 12:52

IMO, you need to spell it out very very clearly. You tell him that you want a baby, you tell him that you are not willing to take responsibility for contraception any more, you tell him CLEARLY that if he does not want a baby then he is to take over, and you tell him that SAYING is not DOING.
Then it is all firmly in his court and you both know exactly where you stand.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 22/06/2011 12:56

Join the club. My DP does this too.
Doesn't want another baby, (I do desperately) but is happy to use nothing but withdrawal for contraception. When the occasional blip happens and I'm late, he grizzles! His excuse is, as I won't take the pill, (turns me into an axe murderer) he has to use condoms, and he hates them.
I've sat him down so often and talked it through, but I never get anywhere. I've given up bothering. If and when I become pregnant, then that's that. It's either accepted or it's not. Thats for him to decide.

stuffthenonsense · 22/06/2011 12:59

i agree with msteak, something along the lines of
'you know i want another baby, you dont, so the responsibility for contraception is yours, i dont think its fair or reasonable for you to make me responsible for your decisions'
that way, HE is not getting mixed messages from you, and should the best worst happen, he can only fault himself

minipie · 22/06/2011 13:16

I agree with MsTeak.

I wouldn't let him carry on with the mixed messages. I'd sit him down and explain:

You know I want another baby.
You know we are not using contraception.
If you don't want another baby then you need to start using contraception of some kind. (Condoms, vasectomy, whatever).
If you don't start using contraception, and we carry on having unprotected sex, then you are telling me that you do want another baby.
Time to decide.

I suspect you'd rather not have that conversation because you prefer the mixed messages scenario to the possibility of him saying No and starting to use condoms. But you do have to have the conversation. Really.

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 13:19

I agree MsTeak

minxi · 22/06/2011 13:20

MadeupMoniker
I feel for you but like others have said you do need to sit down an talk...
I am in a similar situation though I have 3ds aged 10, 7 and 2.5, the 3rd took 3.5 years to come along!! - my dh said he was happy to stop at 2 but was happy for that extra one too. we had almost given up when I found I was pg.

When he was 9 months I found myself unexpectedly pg with No4...I was in complete shock couldn't even imagine an 18 month and a new born plus two older ones, my dh was equally shocked but he was fine with it where as I was stressing about coping etc dh said we'd manage time etc - luckily we are okay home wise car wise finance etc - so started to look forward to one more (the last) during the next couple months I was soo poorly could barely function had my 12 week scan and had miscarried couple days before - anyway both of us were equally shocked and also devastated.. anyway I then wanted another one he decided that as it hadn't happened we should stick to 3..
caused a few arguments but eventually he said okay lets see what happens.. anyway it has taken a year for my silly body to get back to normal so last couple months have been trying and then last night he said no he couldn't do it - had worked out how much 3 kids to put through uni etc and thinks time is too precious to share around with an extra one etc etc - he said we should get counselling as he wont budge and neither will I - I am soo upset we haven't spoken since last night and I have no idea how to either get over my want for having another baby or try to convince him it is a good idea! Help!!

MissHonkover · 22/06/2011 13:23

Gosh minxi, that's awful.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 13:42

Minipie your post makes sense, that is what ought to do buy you're right I don't want to have the conversation because it probably won't go the way I want it to. I know we need to talk about it but I keep putting it of incase this is the month

Minx, how terrible. I'm really sorry for your loss :( I had a mmc at 13 weeks before my dc2 was born so I can imagine what you are going through your husband is terribly mean for changing his mind, you must be in turmoil :(

OP posts:

minipie · 22/06/2011 14:00

I do understand MadeUp but how much worse would it be if you got pg and then he said he really didn't want another child and he'd told you that...

Really, you need to have the conversation. It doesn't mean you have to accept his answer - you can keep trying to persuade him that another child would be great! - but it should be done openly rather than just not talking about it... even though I can see why you're not.

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 16:12

Well if we do have the conversation and he goes and books himself in for the snip that's the end of it completely, isn't it. You are right though, we do need to talk about it because I'm doing my head in every month wondering and planning for a baby that might never be.

Fwiw, he would love another child just as he loves the two we've got now. He's a very hands on, brilliant dad. I know from when we had a 'scare' when my dc2 was a few months old that we'd cope with it.. I think that makes it harder to accept him saying he doesn't want any more.

I suppose it's an age old problem. It really sucks.

OP posts:

minxi · 22/06/2011 17:13

madeupmoniker you definitely need to have a chat soon - I can see where your coming from in the fact that you hope each month it happens and thats your answer - you would be devastated if he just went out one day and had the snip!

I still haven't spoken to my dh and even though I will have to this evening unless from some miracle it has happened this month (the right time is now) I'm not sure whether I will get my longed for child - but I will also be challenging him to get the snip if he wants to move forward with not having anymore?! and not sure how that leaves us..
p.s. sorry too about your loss

Scheherezadea · 22/06/2011 18:45

He sounds like my DP - we weren't 'actively' trying, although we had talked about having kids, he said now wasn't the right time. Like you I couldn't take hormonal contraceptives, and we still had sex. Fell pregnant almost straight away, and DP is over the moon! I think he secretly really wanted a child, but was too 'afraid' to openly admit that right now he wanted to try for a baby. So instead we pass it off as a happy 'mistake' and he's said if (god forbid) anything happens, we'll want to try for another one straight away.

GnomeDePlume · 22/06/2011 18:59

madeupmoniker I think possibly it isnt so much that if there are problems it's your fault but that it isnt his fault.

Whatever the reason you need to talk but if you do decide to go ahead could you make a commitment to each other that no matter what happens it is not the fault of either of you?

Original poster

MadeUpMoniker · 22/06/2011 19:50

I don't think it is anyone's fault. It's just confusing and annoying (and shite!)

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/06/2011 20:13

I agree that he's not giving mixed messages.

Talk is cheap - his actions are those of a man who is open to having another baby.

No other adult needs to repeatedly take him aside for chats about it.

I find the whole TTC as a special relationship status that has to be actively agreed upon by both parties a bit weird.

If you're deliberately and regularly shagging without contraception, you're likely to have a baby. You don't need to decide anything, or talk about it endlessly.

Both my children were conceived without any big decision being made. There's no need for it if you prefer to just take life as it comes.

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