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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Woman at playgroup - not sure how to handle

86 replies

need40winks · 22/06/2011 09:25

There is a woman at playgroup, lets name her Bee, and I am extremely unsure how to handle her and the situations she causes.

Background story - Bee's daughter (call her Dee) is 3 years old and will be starting nursery in September but for now they both attend every playgroup going in the area. Bee also parent-leads two playgroups a week at the local surestart centre.

Bee is obsessed with babies, and when I say obsessed I really mean it, to the point where she neglects her daughter at these playgroups as soon as there is a baby in sight. Dee is left to run around and actually runs riot, she hits, pushes, screams, jumps on tables etc. and all the while Bee is off in another room cooing over another baby. Bee is strange in some other ways but these are insignificant compared to her neglect of her daughter.

Now without giving away to much about myself I have a baby that Bee has taken a liking to, we enter the room and within minutes Bee is asking to hold the baby and I don't see the baby for the rest of the playgroup time. I ask for the baby back several times and she either says 'No it's ok I'm fine' or just ignores me. I even grabbed hold of baby the other day and she pulled baby back and turned and walked away.

I'm not sure what to do now, she is at every playgroup so is unavoidable. I hate confrontation of any kind and really don't know how to get her to back off without saying anything. All the other mothers can't stand her either and she is putting me off going. She also wants to be my baby's childminder when I go back to work. Help please, it's so awkward!

OP posts:

thegruffalosma · 22/06/2011 13:14

Rhubarb - most mums at toddler groups don't interact with their older kids from my experience. Not cos they are pinching other people's babies usually but because they are drinking tea/eating biscuits and chatting away. A lot of people use toddler groups for their kids to socialise with other children and a relax for an hour or so a week.
Maybe the mum doesn't know how bad her childs behaviour is if she is so absorbed in everyones babies? And if she does and she's ignoring it then that's not great but again lots of people have pretty low standards when it comes to kids behaviour ime and would rather make excuses for it than deal with it. If it's as bad as the OP says I'm surprised the group leader hasn't stepped in tbh and if the mum continues to let it go on she is going to get banned - which would solve the OP's problem too.
I don't think there's anything to report tbh. She doesn't sound like a shining example of motherhood (but who knows what she's like at home) but if you are going to report every mum who doesn't move their arse from the sofa at toddler groups you're gonna end up with a whacking phone bill!

fuzzpigFriday · 22/06/2011 13:21

Wow sounds like a nightmare. I am amazed this is allowed to happen at a children and family centre tbh, Dee's behaviour I mean. The staff at my one are lovely and friendly but they wouldn't accept something like that. Also to volunteer there it's quite a formal process (CRB, references etc, I actually got mine through today!) and there's no way a group leader would have a child running riot while she tended to other babies.

WhipMeIndiana · 22/06/2011 13:33

there's bonkers women at a few of my playgroups too - one who has the loudest goddamn voice ever, she howls like a loon at her son, and is one of those imposing characters who comes and literally gets hold of your arm when talking too you, space invading and shouting into your face; and one who ignores her 3-yr old son, and he destroys everything in sight, needless to say I stopped going to that group sharpish..

leeloo1 · 22/06/2011 14:54

Is there an area where you'd like your baby to play? I'd make a 'beeline' (see what I did there? ) for it and put your baby down and sit with her between your knees. Then if Bee comes near you and goes to pick her up, put your arm out as a barrier round her and say 'no thank you, she's enjoying playing with the xyz now... oh look Dee is swinging from a lampshade, perhaps you should rescue her'.

Ok, the 2nd bit is less likely to happen, but the first bit (if said in a firm voice) should work and also 'places' you, so other mums can come and play alongside you and you can chat to them.

I love playgroups - especially when my children are smaller and have made some really good friends there, so hope you can sort this out and keep going. :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2011 14:56

Coming in for an update... how did it go, OP? :)

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/06/2011 16:22

Hope it went Ok need40winks

warthog · 22/06/2011 16:28

first time is always the hardest. keep at it and she will get the message.

you can keep lots of excuses up your sleeve:

she's clingy
she's coming down with something
i'm enjoying the cuddle thanks
i want to show her to my friend
i'm going to show her these toys
fuck off you wierdo
etc

MilkNoSugarPlease · 22/06/2011 16:53

Hope it went ok!!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 22/06/2011 17:02

This woman sounds like a real pain. OP - I hope it went well this afternoon.

Belljar71 · 22/06/2011 17:13

You come here to ask for advice to stop a woman NOT GIVING YOUR BABY BACK TO YOU?!!! WTF[]shock] Here's a little trick you could do,don't give her YOUR BABY in the first place.Jeez.

Original poster

need40winks · 22/06/2011 17:33

Things went ok this afternoon thanks for asking. I took my friend which helped a lot as she had hold of baby or played on floor with her most of the time. Bee was nothing but persistent though, eg. when we went in for a cuppa she asked to hold her twice but my words were 'aww I'm fine thanks' (hated saying it but glad I did), then when we went back to play (in the baby section where she sits too even though her daughter is not a baby and is in another area with toddlers) she asked once more. Then she said as they announced story time 'I'll take her over for story if your too busy talking to your friend' to which I replied 'we are coming now anyway'.
Her friend it seems is a bit disenchanted with her also and is going to walk with me to play group next time, maybe she too has been looking for a way out, Bee was especially clinging to this friends baby today as she could not have mine.

Feel so much better now as I feel like I have made a real step forward. Thanks very much for the help and encouragement, don't know why I was so worked up really but feel much better now and will probably carry on being ever so slightly more assertive, although I still could not manage the word no lol.

Belljar - glad you find being assertive and firm easy, not all of us are the same but I'm happy for you that this particular area in your life is both easy and seemingly trivial to you. It would do you well to remember that we are not all the same and have different strengths and weaknesses, like I am compassionate and empathetic and you on the other hand...

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 22/06/2011 17:39

That does seem a little harsh, Belljar.

JamieAgain · 22/06/2011 17:42

Practising being assertive, firm and calm will stand you in really good stead when your DD becomes a toddler and older, when you will be called upon to say No without feeling guilty and without providinge elaborate explanations.
My tip is to lower and slow your voice whenever you want to convey something assertively. Works with children and hopefully weird women

JamieAgain · 22/06/2011 17:43

BTW - I am not naturally assertive either - having DCs has helped me in that respect

frazzle26 · 22/06/2011 17:53

Just wanted to add to what a lot of other people have said. Just don't let her have your DD in the 1st place. If you can, try and scan the room when you arrive so you know where she's sat then she can't just spring up on you and catch you unawares. Just remain focused and if she asks to hold her just say "no" and move on from the subject, perhaps start talking to another mum.

SenoritaViva · 22/06/2011 18:14

Good for you, now you have started the ball rolling it will get easier...

MockingbirdsNotForSale · 22/06/2011 18:24

Well done need40winks .! Oh and LOL at your last set of comments!

MollyMurphy · 22/06/2011 18:35

She sounds a wee bit creepy. I would say you need to get your gumption up and be firm. I wouldn't let her take my child considering behaviour like - ignoring you and not giving her back when requested. That is just weird.

"Sorry Bea but DC is going to play with me today".

Done and done.

MollyMurphy · 22/06/2011 18:37

Oh I just saw your response - glad it went better. What a nutter. I am not as social as you - after a few polite hints I would have told her "NO" and advised her to go play with own kid.

warthog · 22/06/2011 19:35

well done!!!

thegruffalosma · 22/06/2011 20:10

Well done OP. You kept your baby and what you said was polite so she can't even say you were nasty to her. Feel sorry for the other woman who didn't get a look in with her baby but perhaps she'll follow your lead next week!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 22/06/2011 20:39

Well dine you and no doubt that's why the other lady was drawn to you today.

clappyhands · 22/06/2011 20:44

well done OP! :)

TheFarSide · 22/06/2011 20:52

Glad you're asserting yourself OP. I have to say I was alarmed when you said this woman sometimes ignored you when you asked for your baby back.

BuntyPenfold · 22/06/2011 20:52

If someone didn't hand back my baby when I asked her, I think I would go spare.
I think you are amazingly tolerant towards this woman.
I love to hold babies but I never ever ask to. I regard it as a privilege if some one is willing to allow me to hold their baby, but it is not a right.

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