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Original poster

Woman at playgroup - not sure how to handle

86 replies

need40winks · 22/06/2011 09:25

There is a woman at playgroup, lets name her Bee, and I am extremely unsure how to handle her and the situations she causes.

Background story - Bee's daughter (call her Dee) is 3 years old and will be starting nursery in September but for now they both attend every playgroup going in the area. Bee also parent-leads two playgroups a week at the local surestart centre.

Bee is obsessed with babies, and when I say obsessed I really mean it, to the point where she neglects her daughter at these playgroups as soon as there is a baby in sight. Dee is left to run around and actually runs riot, she hits, pushes, screams, jumps on tables etc. and all the while Bee is off in another room cooing over another baby. Bee is strange in some other ways but these are insignificant compared to her neglect of her daughter.

Now without giving away to much about myself I have a baby that Bee has taken a liking to, we enter the room and within minutes Bee is asking to hold the baby and I don't see the baby for the rest of the playgroup time. I ask for the baby back several times and she either says 'No it's ok I'm fine' or just ignores me. I even grabbed hold of baby the other day and she pulled baby back and turned and walked away.

I'm not sure what to do now, she is at every playgroup so is unavoidable. I hate confrontation of any kind and really don't know how to get her to back off without saying anything. All the other mothers can't stand her either and she is putting me off going. She also wants to be my baby's childminder when I go back to work. Help please, it's so awkward!

OP posts:
howabout · 22/06/2011 09:51

Re playgroups, I wouldn't be too eager to broaden my social network in this way. I am about to reenter this stage after an 8 year gap and still have people in the playground I would rather know less well from last time around. This time I am going with youarekidding's suggestions of making my out and about time more activity based and across a wider area. If you are going back to work soon surely adult contact for you is a temporary issue and you could perhaps start thinking about reengaging with work colleagues?

buzzsore · 22/06/2011 09:53

Repeat to yourself, "it's ok to say no". It's ok to say no to people. It's ok to say no. Really really.

therealmrsbeckham · 22/06/2011 09:55

As others have said learn to say NO! This woman is clearly making you feel uncomfortable and please FGS DO NOT even for a second consider her as childcare for your DC.

I'm not surprised her own DD is displaying difficult behaviour, the poor child is just desparate for her own mothers attention Sad

SenoritaViva · 22/06/2011 09:55

How old is your baby? Do they really need to be held all the time???

How about saying 'actually she's been held all day, I want her to have some kicking around/crawling/rolling over time on a mat today thank you'. That sentence didn't even have a no in it!

yawningbear · 22/06/2011 09:56

I feel sorry for wee deeSad. How about baby massage, water babies, nct group as possible alternatives to playgroup? Also I know some babies can take a while to get used to being carried, DD always loved it whereas my DS has taken a while to get used to it, might be worth trying her in it again to see if she can develop a liking for it as that would surely help. I hate confrontation too and would also find it difficult to say no so if it were me I would really try and get LO used to the sling/carrier even for short periods of time, tis very good for them alsoSmile. Hope you can find away to meet some others with bub's without having to do the playgroup thing, its horrible to be lonely with a baby.

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 09:57

I don't think whether or not the OP decides to make friends at playgroups or else where is relevant. All that matters is that she learns to say no and be firm when it's regarding her children.

SenoritaViva · 22/06/2011 09:57

Also agree with others on trying to find an activity to do rather than just plain playgroups (swimming etc.)

chicletteeth · 22/06/2011 10:05

Her: Can I hold your baby?

You: No.

Other scenario where she is holding your baby

You: Can I have my baby back now?

Her: No, she's fine.

You: Give me my baby back now!

None of these statements have to be rude, but they do have to be firm

mummytime · 22/06/2011 10:06

Contact your LA as they will have a list of childminders, or look on OFSTED or an outstanding local one. Do not let this woman child mind your child, it will turn out badly (whether because you will resent her or because she is odd).
Find other local activities, the library is a good starting point. Make friends with other mothers. See if a friend can go to playgroup with you (your mother or a non-parent friend) and get them to hold onto the baby
I am sure you can assert yourself at work, and you do have to learn to do this for your kids, its a skill you will need later.

redwineformethanks · 22/06/2011 10:13

Re child-minding, if it's difficult for you to say No directly, you can say that you've decided to go for a nursery instead. Then if you do end up deciding on a child-minder Bee will probably never know and even if she does, she probably wouldn't challenge you on that. If she did challenge you, you'd be quite entitled to say "We'd intended to go for a nursery but someone recommended this woman and we all thought she was brilliant, so it changed our minds".

Re the play group, if you're not comfortable saying No, you could say "Just a quick cuddle before we go and play with the dolls" and then hang around and get Dee back quite quickly.

If you try to get your baby back and Bee resists, that is outrageous! In that scenario I'd go and find a member of staff, tell them what's happened, make sure they know it has happened before and ask them to go and get Dee for you. They won't take no for an answer and I'm sure they'll probably help by keeping an eye out for you after that.

These suggestions are deliberately very low key and not confrontational because I sense that you are not very confident in this situation. I hope you understand I also agree with the other posters who say that you would be entitled to be far more assertive!

risingstar · 22/06/2011 10:19

oh no. this sounds like a woman that i went to numerous groups with. she was a childminder- wanted another baby but couldnt have one because of failing sight. she adored my dd and told me that she would be my childminder when i went back to work. she also told me that she fell down the stairs a lot because of her sight problems.

step away now.

i tried all sorts to let her down gently. in the end i had to be blunt and say that i couldnt leave her because i was worried about her sight and she didnt seem to have any boundaries. i hated saying it and myself for saying it for some time afterwards but was put in a position where i had no cholce.

Original poster
need40winks · 22/06/2011 10:20

Have enlisted a friend who has the day off to come with me this afternoon, to start the ball rolling and make it easier to say no because I will have a reason to. Still a nervous wreck just thinking about it, this is very unlike me, I am honestly not a shy or nervous person but she does something to me lol. Thanks for everyone's suggestions I thought they would be something similar and so I know what I am going to have to do now, just wish I could break off the other mum that I like and free her from the power of Bee!!!! :P

OP posts:
Original poster
need40winks · 22/06/2011 10:21

I never realised I had a problem saying no to people until I had a baby, it's no wonder at 6 months old my baby walks all over me lol.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 22/06/2011 10:34

People like this count on you not wanting to be seen as rude. There is nothing wrong with wanting to play with your own baby!

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 11:12

I get that too OP. I am not shy or anything but occassionally I meet someone that I feel intimidated by! I don't know why it happens! I end up not able to talk intelligently and just giggle like a fool. I don't know what it is about these people.

thegruffalosma · 22/06/2011 11:20

Rather than saying 'no not today' I would say 'she's going through a clingy phase at the moment' then just carry on doing what you were doing or walk away. The 'phase' can last as long as you like! If she pushes you just say 'best not' and change the subject - asking her about the whereabouts of her own daughter like some pp's have suggested is a good one.
It doesn't sound to me like she's creepy - just that she wants to show the parents at the group how good she is with babies and get the babies used to her in the hope she will get some customers out of it when the mums go back to work.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 22/06/2011 11:24

Feed the baby prune juice and hand her over wearing a slightly-too-small nappy?

TheRhubarb · 22/06/2011 11:27

Have a word with your Health Visitor about your concerns. They can arrange for someone to check up on her and her dd and if there have been other concerns raised then yours will help them decide whether or not to take action.

Talk to other mums as they may feel the same way but be afraid to say so as this women seems very outgoing and confident and often people are scared of offending others. If you all agree that it's odd then you can all bond together to stop her intimidating other new mums.

Tell her you have someone else to be your childminder. Is she registered? If she isn't then that's the perfect excuse, if she is then perhaps raise your concerns to the professional body. This woman is neglecting her daughter and someone needs to say so.

porcamiseria · 22/06/2011 11:32

not much you can do about daughter, TBH. as you only see what you see for 1 hour a day

But dont give her baby! FFS say NO!!!!!!!!!

tis annoying but lie next time, baby has tetthing or something

TheRhubarb · 22/06/2011 11:33

OP, it's easier to say no than to demand your baby back once she has her. I know the kind of person you describe and they get away with their behaviour because everyone is cowed by them. Once you say no you may give others the confidence to do the same.

I am assuming she doesn't ask for the baby but rather comes up to you with the intention of holding your baby, so you don't get the chance to say no. In that situation I would get in there first and when you see her approach just say "not today sorry, I'm going to be selfish today and have her all to myself!" with a laugh that says you don't want to be serious but you have no intention of handing her over. Do that a couple of times and she'll stop approaching you and you can relax.

Do report your concerns about her dd however. It sounds as though she is only interested in babies and her dd must be desperate for her mums attention which is why she's so naughty.

thegruffalosma · 22/06/2011 11:33

I think gossiping about this woman and pushing her out and/or talking about her to your hv is going a bit far!
There are plenty of people on here who would say that a 3 yo can be left to roam in a toddler group environment (not me - I'm more the helicopter breed!). Obviously if she's behaving badly then someone needs to raise it with the mum or the group leader but think neglect is going a bit far.
As I said - it just sounds to me like she's touting for business for when she qualifies as a cm and probably putting most people off .

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 11:36

I agree not to hand the baby over in the first place, then you don't have the issue of trying to get her back. She is not entitled to your baby!

TheRhubarb · 22/06/2011 11:44

thegruffalosma - "Bee is obsessed with babies, and when I say obsessed I really mean it, to the point where she neglects her daughter at these playgroups as soon as there is a baby in sight. Dee is left to run around and actually runs riot, she hits, pushes, screams, jumps on tables etc. and all the while Bee is off in another room cooing over another baby. Bee is strange in some other ways but these are insignificant compared to her neglect of her daughter."

That paragraph worried me. The fact that her dd plays up so much means that she really is deprived of attention and I also read underlying worries in the sentence "Bee is strange in some other ways but there are insignificant compared to the neglect of her daughter."

Now not being there we can only guess that there are other things going on, but in any case it's not like she is being reported to SS. By having a word with the Health Visitor you are just raising concerns and if they are without foundation then no harm done, but it could be that the HVs are already a little concerned and this may spark some action that could see Bee and Dee's homelife improved immensely.

If in doubt I would advise telling someone.

SenoritaViva · 22/06/2011 11:46

I wasn't sure about Graffalo's point at first but on reflection I think they might be right. She knows your going back to work so could be scouting for work. Nevertheless not handing her back is just weird. So you know how she says 'no, she's fine' well that's all you need to say. She clearly doesn't think it's rude so just parrot it back to her.

I also think talking to a HV is really taking it too far, she sounds a little odd and misguided but honestly not neglectful.

Original poster
need40winks · 22/06/2011 12:50

I'm about to set off, just a quick post to say it's not the scouting for childminding children because a friend of my mother who has a 2 year old said she used to do the same thing when he was a baby and she wasn't a childminder then. I don't think she is neglectful at home (although I haven't seen her at home so not a fully justified statement) just hope it is only a show off thing. She has been trying for a baby for a year (which again doesn't explain the behaviour because she was like this before) and I just feel sorry fr the daughter. Will let you know how this afternoon goes, thanks again for the advice and support :)

OP posts:
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